WalMart is a sign of the Apocalypse (1135 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.57 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by El_Wizardo (View user info) at 2005-02-11 04:01:07 EST
I had heard that there was a new temple in our midst. A temple that catered to the common man. A temple that was overwhelmingly large and had the hum of the strange lights that permeated the area. The dull brightness of florescence. You could find anything you needed at the temple and like moths to the flame, the simple people of our land flocked to it.
It was a Supercenter Walmart. And it had brought a new religion to our strange society.
You see, we had a Walmart already. It was a measly regular Walmart, one that didn't have the necessities, like a grocery store. Which is really what separates a regular Walmart from a SUPERCENTER Walmart. It's strange, there is a Target, a Lowe's and a Ralph's in the same general area of the Supercenter. But that didn't stop the Walmart that could, oh no. Walmart has already conquered mom and pop stores, it was ready to move on to real challenges to its authority.
I was drawn to it like a fly to shit.
I walked in the gleaming doors and was met by a temple guardsman. He was old and frail in appearance, but I saw inner strength with this one. He was not to be trifled with. I had not brought an offering to the Gods of Super... so I resorted to guile.
I thought he was giving me the weird look when I came in underneath a stray cart that I found outside. But I think it was just the floating cart that took him by surprise.
I was in.
As I walked the huge amounts of aisles, straight and sleek, I tried to find some sort of organization in the madness. I could find none. There were strange symbols above the aisles that I could not decipher. Such things as
"Hardware"
"Electrical"
"Sex Toys"
Man, this place has everything.
*interlude- "sex toys" story cut out due to graphic nature. Needless to say, I barely escaped unscathed.*
I had made the mistake of wearing the uniforms of the monks, who, strangely were no where to be found. This made me a prime target for the ancients. I thought these people were treated with a great deal of respect. I quickly found out that they were just old. And smelled funny. And asked me stupid questions that almost got me caught.
I had to kill a few of them. I doubt anyone will notice.
I made my way into the forest. There was a cloy miasma that permeated this strange jungle. I realized that half the vegetation was fake... but to what end? A strange land indeed. I moved on.
I came to electronic entertainment center. This was the place I had heard about. "So many movies and CDs!!!1!" I had to find out for myself what the prophets of Tee Vee had told me. I listened to a sample of the holy music.
"D--- it feels good to be a gangsta, a gangsta a-- n-----r..."
What was this? I tried another.
"R--- me... R--- me my friend..."
I threw my headphones off in disgust. This temple was raised to a false idol. Someone had perverted the teachings. I was long overdue and had to make my escape. I had a duty to save others from the blasphemy that was the Super Gods.
So I stole a few CDs and left those old fuckers in the dust.
God I hate Walmart.
User Reviews
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-02-16 09:42:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2005-02-12 16:16:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Rammstein (user info) at 2005-02-11 17:09:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yea...we are getting a superwalmart here...kinda sucks. Idiots cut the cable line while putting in the parking lot...damn corporation
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2005-02-11 09:23:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
amusing... but part of this seems like you were writing it while listening to the "I hate walmart" song.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-02-11 09:15:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i remember back in the day when i picked up blink 182's Enema of the state. oh dear that one sucked, but walmart made it suck even more.
Submitted by BludKake (user info) at 2005-02-11 08:33:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Huzzah for the Walmart Universe and the Cloy Miasma.
Submitted by The_Wizard (user info) at 2005-02-11 04:28:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ahh, so it doesn't. Very well, carry on.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-02-11 04:27:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My post has nothing to do with WalMart, coincidentally.
Submitted by The_Wizard (user info) at 2005-02-11 04:02:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Goddamn you Sideburns! Why must you be so popular and beat me to the WalMart thing!