Tim and the Crazy Space Adventure. (433 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.5 on 6 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by El_Wizardo (View user info) at 2005-02-09 04:35:15 EST
Tim was gardening.
That's all. Pruning the bushes, mowing the lawn, weeding, the whole nine yards. There was nothing abnormal about it, just everyday business as usual. Until he found himself on a spaceship. A spaceship that existed millions of years in the future. Or in the past. It's not like it really matters which way, because if you go far enough one way or the other, you'll end up at the same place anyways.
But it was much different from Tim's garden.
The reason he arrived on the spaceship is very obscure. So obscure in fact that the author was much too lazy to actually look up the phenomenon. If you are so interested in the physics of interstellar and interspatial travel you look it up you lazy bastards.
Back to the action.
Tim was technically on the bridge of the alien ship. At first no one really noticed Tim. I mean, one minute you are flying through Way Outer Space with everything running normally and the next a strange alien has suddenly appeared on your bridge. Tim didn't breathe for a full five seconds, worried that if he did, he might wake up and find out that he was dead as opposed to millions of miles away surrounded by tall and lean orange men. Or women. Whichever one it was, it was really fucked up.
But he wasn't dead. Just millions of miles away. And they were women, for the record.
Tim cleared his throat and they the strange orange people looked at the strange pinkish person standing there quite foolishly with hedge clippers in his hand. A full twenty seconds nothing happened.
So I'm going to skip that part in the story and go straight to when something did happen.
"Hi. I'm Tim."
"Hey. I'm Laura."
Was it a coincidence that the aliens spoke the same language as each other? No. It's much easier then coming up with a new language, if you can just speak the one already in the story.
"You're not the first one to appear here. In fact, you're the third one today."
"But it's my first time on an alien ship! I have so many questions!"
"Well, go ahead and ask. You don't have a lot of time. We figure you're like a rubber band and when you get too tight, you will just snap back to where you were."
"How does the ship work, what year is this, are you humanity evolved, have you figured out if God is real, do you know what's beyond the universe, is the universe really infinite, what's in a black hole, how did the universe start, and how do you go to the bathroom in space?
"I don't know, 158328273823, no, yes, nope, yes, um, darkness, someone dropped their keys in a gutter and that is none of your business. Now if you will excuse us we have work to do. This thing doesn't fly itself you know."
"But that's the answers? I have so many more questions... please..."
And that's when he got wound up too tight and simply snapped back.
There was so much weeding to do yet. Weed can be the absolute worst thing ever.
User Reviews
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2005-02-18 18:37:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-02-18 18:30:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for crazyness
Submitted by okokididitbutiwasdrunk (user info) at 2005-02-09 10:21:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Where was Kilgore Trout?
Very good and stuff.
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-02-09 08:42:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Uhm ... I liked this bit of nonsense for some fucking reason.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-02-09 08:29:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
is this supposed to be like hitchhikers's guide?
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-02-09 05:59:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Weed can be the absolute worst thing ever."
Motherfuckin' liar.