I made it through the 80's (out of the frying pan, into the fire) (915 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 2 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (View user info) at 2005-01-31 20:17:30 EST
I was born a poor, black child. Wait. Actually, I was born in Missouri on the small triangle of land where the Olentaangy Brook ran into the Mississippi River. It wasn't a rich area, far from it. The rivers were always threatening to overflow and wash our meager homestead towards the Gulf and beyond. After my dad lost his legs in a black-powder-stump-removal accident, and my mom left town with the guy who sold miracle tonic, I was left pretty much to my own devices.
When I was 15, I bought my first guitar: a Martin acoustic. I bought it from Blind Joe's Music over in Shaftsbury, which was a 15-mile walk, or half hour hitchhike, depending on how you looked at it. Shaftsbury is a little town that was neither here nor there, but was famous for tree things; two of them were the same brothel, and the third isn't of consequence to this story. The brothel isn't of consequence either, but no one ever mentions Shaftsbury without mentioning the brothel, and I'm not one to start.
I spent the next three years of my life doing exactly what was expected of a backwater teenager in the late 70's: working hard, sneaking bottles of whiskey from grandpa after he'd passed out in front of Three's Company (without, his words, "that Sommers bitch on his face"), and pursuit of the ever-elusive North American Split-Tail. I was successful at two out of the three, leaving me near-broke and with a pregnant girlfriend.
The day I turned 18, I said something awful to my girlfriend, grabbed my guitar, and hopped the bus to New York. I heard the music scene there was hot, and I knew more than a few licks. I found a tiny apartment for which I immediately paid my life-savings and went looking for a gig. I had never actually used this word before, but I had read it in Rolling Stone, and I wanted to fit the part.
Crossing the street, a man in tight jeans with a sportcoat and thin tie grabbed me by the arm. "How about this one?" He said, thrusting me at another, and oddly, similarly dressed woman.
"Oh MY GAWD!" She shrieked, and grabbed my face, twisting it for a profile view.
"Just take my money!" I pleaded.
"OH HONEY, WE'RE HERE TO GIVE YOU MONEY!" Why was she shouting still?
Turns out, I had the perfect face for a commercial for a new cereal they had the marketing contract for. I bounced around the New York commercial actor scene for a while, making more money than I knew what to do with, driving fast cars and hanging out with faster women. I drank champagne with the coolest hipsters in town in the swankiest backrooms of the trendiest bars. I had a dictionary-sized cell phone and knew all the words to every Huey Lewis song (though I secretly wished he'd ditch "The News" and explore more complex arrangements).
I ended up on smack, as was the style at the time, and finally got dropped from the advertising campaign when I tossed over a $40,000 camera because I didn't like the way it was looking at me. I hit rock bottom, bounced, and hit it again...hard. I spent some time in rehab, tried to spend some time in Betty Ford when Gerald wasn't looking, then ended up where I started: penniless and on the street.
A few weeks later, I wandered far enough that I knew I was lost, and wound up in a church. That day, I found Jesus and my new life.
I'm older now. I don't move as quickly, and can't keep up with the kids at the youth center that I operate in Hoboken, but would I trade those years for anything? No way in hell.
Maybe you remember me.
User Reviews
Submitted by yermom (user info) at 2005-06-15 17:03:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it.
Submitted by Freakmagnet (user info) at 2005-02-03 10:40:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Smacky the frog.
When there is a frog around I don't have to hang my sandwiches from a fuckin branch
when i want some honey i dont have to squeeze a plastic frog.
-Mitch Hedburg
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-02-03 10:26:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I've hit 15,000. Yeah, it's a minor victory for some of you, but it's a major coup for me. Have a nice day and such.
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2005-02-01 13:47:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Shaftsbury.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-02-01 09:36:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
super duper.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-02-01 08:27:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2005-01-31 20:21:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
this was awesome....johnson
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Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-02-01 08:10:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I knew that guy, actually. I was the silver painted tap dancer in front of the Empire State Building around that time.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-01-31 21:41:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
You kinda rule.
I think I saw you in Washington Square Park under the arch about '87 (if you used to do L. Reed's "Walk on the Wild Side, unplugged.) I was the kid that threw up on the mime's mom's new shoes? She blamed you?
+++
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-01-31 22:00:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-01-31 21:50:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
for some reason I found this interesting, not exactly sure why though...
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-01-31 21:41:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You kinda rule.
I think I saw you in Washington Square Park under the arch about '87 (if you used to do L. Reed's "Walk on the Wild Side, unplugged.) I was the kid that threw up on the mime's mom's new shoes? She blamed you?
+++
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-01-31 20:43:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what do you want to do with your life?
I WANNA ROCK!
go hoboken
Submitted by Mister_Fahrenheit (user info) at 2005-01-31 20:35:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-01-31 20:22:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the jerk
http://www.ubersite.com/m/55815
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2005-01-31 20:21:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was awesome....johnson
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-31 20:21:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. A true celebrity is among us. I'm so honored!
Submitted by Vomit (user info) at 2005-01-31 20:20:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
-1 for finding Jesus...I thought I had that fucker locked up tight.