I Heard It and Laughed (2011 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.34 on 87 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Uber Madness 2004 (View user info) at 2004-11-19 09:10:28 EST
 |
This post is officially part of UberMadness!. Click here for more information on the rules and restrictions. |
Entry 1
Wincing at the sting of the first northern wind, I saw her unlock the door of the old vintage shop that has felt the turn of her key so many times before. Adjusting the collar on my faded corduroy jacket without breaking my gaze, I felt the familiar tranquility that only her nearness could bring. I have watched her emerge and retract for years now, in absolute shadow. Danielle was my obsession.****
Many would say that working with your hands brings unparalleled satisfaction. As an eighteen-year-old construction worker, I could not have agreed less. Susan, my girlfriend at the time, could not have been more demanding. My meager pay and terrible schedule left the two of us in constant battle. She wanted everything that I could not give her. Our humble apartment was sufficed for the simple life that I craved, yet a far cry from the visions of dear Susan. As hard as I tried, I could not appease her.
Susan moved back with her parents shortly after my nineteenth birthday that year. As awful as the fighting between us was, I was stricken with heartache. It always seems that way... the relationships with the most turmoil seem to sting the most at their closure. I waited by the phone every night, staring in awkward silence at the space where her dresser used to sit.
Three weeks had past before it rang.
"Jon, I'm late." Susan mumbled in despair.
I was simultaneously shocked and elated. "You mean, I mean... we're going to have a baby? I'll come get you Sue; it's time you came back. I've been miserable without you. Besides, now we can..."
"I just thought you should know." She interrupted.
With an excruciating 'click', our conversation ended.
Eighteen, single and pregnant was not feasible for Susan's parents, who swiftly sent her to live with her wealthy aunt in St. Louis. Despite my vivid protests to Susan's parents, I was never given proper details of her whereabouts. I was informed that Susan is content and that I was to never see her again. I would have no 'responsibility' for my unborn child and to take 'comfort' in the fact that I was not liable for any expense.
St. Louis became an ominous beacon to me, the city that stole my first-born.
Despite my efforts to forget Susan entirely, I simply could not ignore my child.
****
My main focus after those fateful events in my early adult years was to attain success. My inability to earn cost me my shot at a family and I wasn't about to take that chance again. I majored in business at college and landed quite a cozy job with the far-from-altruistic Lexfirm, Inc. Lexfirm makes its fortune by attaining contracts for low-income housing and gouging everyone from suppliers to purchasers to make an incredible overhead. The ethics of the company, or the work itself, were of a moot point for me. The job paid very well, and within a few years my requests to transfer were met with a managerial role in Lexfirm's new branch in none other than St. Louis.
It didn't take me long to get settled in my new city. Work was booming and I was making plenty of cash. Ambivalence shrouded my new found economic confidence as the likelihood of rejection grew with each passing month. Will my child ever accept me? Eighteen years...did Susan ever mention me?
I was paralyzed with fear while contemplating my next move. How do I find Susan? If I find her, could I simply knock on the door? What then? I did what I had become accustomed to: I stalled.
One fine afternoon while visiting a model home opening at a job site in the west end I set to task on rubberstamping contracts when I was introduced to a prospective tenant.
"Mr. Saunders?" The disheveled man questioned.
Somewhat startled, I responded "Yes, can I help you with anything? The details are all listed in the main entrance of the home and you can help yourself to a coffee..."
"To be frank Mr. Saunders I need your help." He interrupted.
"My wife Susan and I are in a tough position. We just lost our home and we desperately need your help. My wife is quite serious about maintaining a high standard of living that I simply cannot afford. Now, you oversee the production and sales of low-income model homes, correct?"
I stuttered "Y-yeah. High standard of living?"
"That's right, since I met Susan and that kid of hers she has dried up all my savings--but it doesn't really matter. She's my wife, and I'll do my best to provide. I'm in a tight spot right now, but a smaller home should ease the tension. I need you to help me get my hands on a decent place as soon as you can. I need to get to the top of your waiting list."
"Kid?"
I cannot believe my ears. Could it be her? If so, it looks like the black widow has struck again. I just hope this poor soul in front of me won't have to sacrifice his first-born too.
"I don't really understand your concern but yeah, her daughter Danielle. So can you help me or what?" He impatiently questioned.
It took everything in me to keep from freezing in place.
I composed myself quickly and responded "Alright sir, if would be so kind as to provide me with some information, I'll get some paperwork moving along for you. I'll need full names, married and maiden, current finances and place of residence. I'll also need every detail you can provide me on your wife's daughter."
Indeed, I had found my child.
****
From the information provided to me by Susan's husband Bill, I ascertained that my daughter had been living in a small downtown apartment in St. Louis in relative isolation from her 'parents'. She spent her days tending to an old store on Russell Boulevard, not far from my own office.
I could not bring myself to approach her. Honestly, who was I to her? Would I even have a place in her life? I knew in my heart that I wouldn't be able to sleep another night without seeing her. I needed to find her.
There is an old coffee shop across the street from her old brownstone apartment that I have taken to frequent since my discovery. It only took a few days before I got my first glimpse of her. She is resoundingly brilliant, a gorgeous chestnut brunette with emerald eyes. My eyes. I remain inconspicuous to her. I fear her rejection more than death itself.
Months pass in this fashion. Every morning before I head to work, I watch her live her life. I call her store asking inane questions that any idiot could answer, just to hear her voice. She looks glorious, yet eternally solemn. Every fiber of my being longs to offer her a father's solace.
I hunger for the courage to approach her and confess, but cannot muster the strength. Months of silent observance flew by; that is until last week.
Sitting in the familiar coffee shop adjacent to her apartment as per usual, Danielle walked in, ordered a dark roast and proceeded to sit at the table behind me. I remained as calm as possible, shocked at the prospect of her proximity. I shuffled my neglected paperwork to provide the illusion of a man engulfed in his work.
"Excuse me sir, are you finished with the sugar?" Danielle said to me.
"Uh... um..." was all I could manage to divulge. I was paralyzed.
Awkwardly, she said "I didn't realize you were working, excuse me."
She looked deep into my eyes and without breaking her gaze, smiled gently and took the sugar from the edge of my table. Before she left the shop that evening she squinted hard and analyzed me once more while buttoning her well worn suede jacket. I hoped she hadn't recognized me as her follower.
She appeared in the shop again the next day looking grim and upset. Danielle did not even remove her coat as she darted to my table and sat across from me. She had a crinkled old photograph with her. Her eyes were already welled up when she arrived. She handed me the picture and placed her head on the table. It was of Susan and I posing in front of our apartment the day we moved in, those fateful years ago.
Danielle slowly lifted her head and though her sleeve and soggy tears, asked "Dad?"
I froze in her stare.
"Is that not you and my mother in the photograph? She gave this to me when I was a little girl."
My heart racing, and emotions on display, I put my arms around her and held my daughter for the first time. All this wasted time! It was too much for me to bear.
Without a word, I scrawled my phone number down for her on my coffee-ringed napkin and passed it to her before exiting the front door. It was all I could do to contain myself.
Returning from the coffee shop, I walked into my apartment and ran to press the flashing light on my phone. She had called.
My answering machine responded veraciously: "It's me; Danielle. I don't really know where to begin. This is such an overwhelming experience for me. I have felt so distant for the past few years of my life. I don't want to sound paranoid, but I'm almost certain that a strange man has been following my every shadow. I have been afraid for so long. I now can take comfort in knowing that I will have a father to protect me."
I heard this and laughed out loud.
After all this time, that man will finally walk beside her.
- VS -
Entry 2
"Your grandmother called again. She wants us to go around for dinner before we leave" Lucy says, with that same sour look upon her face that she wore every time she spoke about Gran."What exactly is it that you can't stand about my grandmother?" I ask absently for the zillionth time, as I watch the neighbor mow his lawn. I used to despise that sound, that repetitive act, mowing. My grass was like a miniature Congo or Amazon: take a wrong step, you get lost for days in there. Now, my grass was crew cut like everyone else's. The dull buzzing Sundays became soothing, though I could feel the irritation returning, rising in me like a storm. I look at all the moving boxes around the house and feel profound relief.
"I don't know" she said, walking over with the joint we'd been sharing "I mean, she is nice enough and all. Fucking, everybody loves her. Maybe that's why." She inhales deeply and passes it to me. "Look at this stupid fuckin' asshole mow his fuckin' lawn. Its like that mindless little dance bees do when they're telling each other where the flowers are and shit. Fuck. Stupid cunt."
Lucy was thirty-seven years old, had been through two explosive marriages to famous and brilliant men and was the leading editor for a major magazine; so I guess swearing like the worlds angriest sailor sort of came with the turf, but it always faintly disgusted me when she did. Briefly, I wonder what it was about me that faintly disgusted her.
"You gonna come?" I ask. She takes another toke, stalling. "I mean, you don't have to." Really though, I want her to come. I really want her to get on with Gran, and she knows this. We never really talk about it, but she knows it. The thing is, everyone, and I mean everyone, loves Gran. Except of course the woman I love. "Well?" I ask a little timidly, passing the joint back.
"Yeah, of course I'll go. You hungry?" she says, ending the discussion.
"Fuck yeah. Wait, when's dinner at Gran's?"
She turned with a bit of a huff. "Oh we aren't fucking going over tonight are we? For fuck sake..." she was beginning to pout.
"Look, we are leaving soon, so we may as well go there as soon as possible, that way you can get it out of the way. Plus, we can eat some of Gran's cooking."
" I fucking hate your grandmother's cooking," she said as she went of to the bedroom to get changed and pout in solitude. I let her.
Gran had lived in the same place for over fifty years. She was the rock holding all my extended family, theirs and my friends together. We drifted to and fro, but we always returned to Gran's house for some food, some advice, and some mindless empathy. However, even though I'd been away and back again to Gran many times over the years, as we pulled into the drive, things felt different, there was a certain finality this time. This time was the last time I'd drive up the street, craning my neck to see the same old porch light that had seemed to burn night and day for fifty years, a beacon to the neighborhood.
"Be nice. Try." I say, squeezing Lucy's hand.
"I always am, thank you very much."
Gran must have seen us coming, as there she is, rushing out the door to greet us. Dressed as always in her black dress she has worn every day since Granpa passed away, with the same pink flowery apron over the top. She seemed to get smaller and smaller by the year, but her raucous voice never diminished.
"Joey!" she bellows, as per usual "Look out for the dogshit, sweetie. It's those fuckin' neighbor's dogs again. I swear to fuckin' god I'll cook 'em up one day." Grandma, for as long as anyone has known her has always spoken like this. She spent her formative years growing up in a mining town. Good, honest people, but damn, they could tarnish silver with one sentence. The similarity between her and Lucy in this regard (and a few others) has not gone unnoticed over the last couple years, and it's probably a leading reason in the tension between them. "Oooh, I love you dearie." She says as she squeezes me with surprising strength. I squeeze back. To not do so would be a cardinal sin of the greatest magnitude. "Hello, Lucy, lovely to see you again." Gran says from within my embrace.
"Hello, Marlene." Lucy is the only person to ever call Gran by her real name. Well since Gran became a grandmother, of course. My friends, my cousins' friends, our friend's parents, for crying out loud, called her Gran; it just seemed natural. That is, except for Lucy.
"Well, it's cold as buggery out here, lets go in and get some food into you two." I put my arm around each and we head in.
Gran's house is like knick-knack heaven. This is where all the knick-knacks talk about in church on Sundays. Everything had its place, and no matter where it was put, or how small it was, it seemed to be showcased. Doily's and globes, porcelain and lace, crystal and silver. Nothing was left out. I love Gran's knick-knacks. Though there was one thing that I did dislike. Hate, even.
Gran's clock.
Gran had a giant, towering, monolithic grandfather clock made out of mahogany; so old it had probably become petrified by now. A beautiful piece of furniture and it fit the house perfectly. But it ticked. It tocked. It chimed the hour. It did all these things with a sheer weight of sound. Every tick and every tock reverberated around the house with a nerve-jangling monotony. The chime was like a death-knell, in super Dolby 100.1 stereo mega sound. It was inescapable. I hated that damn clock, and every time I had brought it up with Gran she just waved me off vaguely, saying, "Oh, I don't know, I like it, the ticking makes me feel comfortable." As we pass the clock, I give it my usual death stare, willing it to die, to cease its infernal racket. We pass and sit down to dinner. We pass idle chit-chat, Gran asks (again) where we will be going, how long we will be, if we are gonna have children. Throughout it all, Lucy sits in near silence, only the sound of her knife and fork clinking around her plate. Dinner with Gran and Lucy always went like this. Gran and me chat while Lucy sits and glowers quietly to herself. Once, I left them alone on purpose and stood around a corner to watch them in the company of only each other. For five minutes, they sat there in total silence. I could tell that neither of them wanted to talk to the other, they just wanted quiet. Strangely, it didn't seem awkward; they just drifted into their own little worlds, separately, together.
"Joey? Joey! Stop daydreaming!" Gran kinda yells, and I feel like I'm ten years old again. That weed has hit me harder than I thought; I'd just drifted off mid conversation. I snap out of it and we continue our dinner. The night passes according to the usual script until it's time to go. She walks us to the front porch, brightly lit as always and I turn and look at her and grab her and hug, furiously, I smell her hair, feel the bones of her shoulders, squeeze her rail-thin arms, the life coursing in her still. She seems a bit flustered by my attention.
"Hey, now, what the fuck has gotten into you?" she asks, holding me back at arms length.
Suddenly embarrassed I demur, and change the subject. "Ah nothing, Gran. Say, when is that damn clock gonna go?" I ask, looking over her toward the obelisk.
She turns to glimpse at it and turns back with a strange smile. "Well, soon, dearie. Soon." She says, scaring me a little with the cryptic remark. "You'd better take off now. These assholes you got on the roads now are crazy fuckers. I love you, and make sure you come back and visit some time. Bye bye Lucy, lovely to see you again."
"Bye, Gran." Lucy replies with a strange warmth in her eyes, and we all stop for a moment locked in this strange moment, no one quite knowing what to say. Finally, I grab Lucy's arm and we head for the car.
"We aren't ever going to see her again, are we" Lucy asks matter-of-factly as we pull away.
"I don't think so."
---------
"Gran's dead." Was all the letter said. That and a date, a funeral date. I got on the next plane I could.
I walked into the house for the last time, the porch light extinguished, the knick-knacks diminished. Everything still in its place, but something wasn't right. It all looked the same, it was all there even the giant clock. But that was it, that's what was missing...
As I walked into the house, the sheer wall of silence descended upon me like a shroud. The all-too-familiar tick-tock of the giant clock has ceased, the quiet of the house almost absolute in the wake of its absence.
"It seemed Gran was right about the clock." I muttered to myself. Dave, my cousin, overheard me.
"Yeah, that clock stopped right around Gran's estimated time of death. I'd heard of shit like that happening in like, Ripley's believe it or not, but when you see it happen, it's freaky."
I walked away, leaving Dave to ponder the mysteries of the universe.
"Looks like the clock was right about you too, Gran." I said to the clock as I listened to its sweet, blessed silence. I could hear nothing else but the silence.
I heard it and laughed.
I laughed long and loud.
I laughed for my Gran.
Entry 1:
absolutes
Ancius
AshK
Banga3386
bigbabylons
Bigmike
bob
cexshun
Circe
Coyote
cshape
darko
Disektor
domenad
Durae
engine13
ess-arr
Fleury75
funkchomper
FunnyAsCancer
godking
Happy-Tree-Friend
horse87
houseman
humor_me
hyprspacd
Ivy
Jack_McCallum
jgreening
JonnyX
knucklesnelson
Kopesh
loki
munkeypants
mystiamoon
NerfHerder
polyamorousaj
professorfuckface
ralphmacchio
redraven
Scott_James
Seralena
sparkle_pink
Stabkill
stevie_says
thaumaturge
TheSpook
tidalfae
treedom
WiKi
William_Q_Percy
xenon
youarsoghey
34 eligible votes (53 total) *
Entry 2:
coley
Degreeless_Capibara
Dirtbird
Domochevsky
drky
GodLovesALittleLovin
iddqd
Ignore_the_Small_Print
JMG114
LadyPlural
Loren1
NoahsArk
RamJetMax
ruthless
salmonofdoubt
Spuds002
The_Walrus
The_Yellow_Dart
TigerLilly
tlozoot
wazzawazzayo
WillZone
Yes
zakalwe
zombieZero
22 eligible votes (25 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by qagmyr04 (user info) at 2004-11-28 20:50:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I have the attention span of a circus monkey. story too long, but so are cathy comics
Submitted by The_Walrus (user info) at 2004-11-24 19:49:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Entry 1...I don't know, didn't do it for me.
Really liked Entry 2 though.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-24 18:40:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by horse87 (user info) at 2004-11-24 17:59:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-11-24 14:42:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by treedom (user info) at 2004-11-24 11:12:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by bigbabylons (user info) at 2004-11-24 10:37:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2004-11-23 18:52:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-11-23 18:32:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by houseman (user info) at 2004-11-23 17:18:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2004-11-23 16:53:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2004-11-23 15:29:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2004-11-23 12:37:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-11-23 12:29:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by godking (user info) at 2004-11-23 12:18:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2004-11-22 18:30:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
some explanation about the overuse of the word fuck:
like i said earlier, this was on purpose. im sure youre aware that i can write better, more flowing dialogue than this, as should everyone else who is left in the comp thus far. this dialogue is as crap as it is for a very particular reason. how did you feel when you read the passages with all those incongruous 'fucks' in there? awkward? irritated? 'faintly disgusted'? i did this on purpose to give the readers the same feeling the protagonist has whenever he hears his gran or his girlfriend speak like this.
also, many people seem to be making the mistake of believing the narrator is infallible. what i mean by this is that the dialogue in the story may not necessarily be what actually is said - its jsut how it sounds to this guy. but this is a little too indepth for ubermadness, im just raising the point.
also, for loren1 who seems to have an issue with irony, the ending: as for your comment about the guy 'not cracking a smile his entire life... etc" - that has to be the stupiest thing ive seen you say. youve seen this guy for a brief moment over a couple of days in his life, and youre making value judgements about his entire personality? he laughs at the end because he finally got rid of the clock he hates so much, but he had to lose the gran that he (and everyone [except lucy]) love so much. the house is finally the place the he always wanted it be, except for the most important thing: its occupant. he laughs, because he does not want to cry.
sure, i could put that in a bit more clearly, but i wanted to leave people with something to think about after they read it.
well, anyway, as i said before - congrats to thaumaturge, i got trounced this round, but in my honest opinion i should have lost on the 'sleep now' post.
to the people i write to via email: ill be sending stuff again soon. i havent been because of madness, but now im free of this, and uni for the year, ive got time to send stuff. my goal over the next few months is to finish "hospital seeks klingon translator"(it should end up around 8000 words) and try and get it published, and id like some of your help....
see ya ubersite.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-11-22 17:44:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2004-11-22 12:54:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
...
Submitted by redraven (user info) at 2004-11-22 11:19:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-11-22 10:18:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Both were excellent. The first one had a lovely twist. The second one had biting conflict. Tough choice.
Submitted by Ivy (user info) at 2004-11-22 04:34:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Made me cry
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-11-22 00:41:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2004-11-22 00:28:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked the first story but the ending was horrid. Whole thing was well thought out and flowed all nice like but just trainwrecked at the end. The idea portrayed at the end works and is good but it's the whole "everything's gonna be alright" storybook deal.
Entry two: nothing really exciting happens
Submitted by salmonofdoubt (user info) at 2004-11-21 20:52:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-11-21 17:55:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
JonnyX (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:29:24 (#)
Ranking: -1
Both of these weren't all that great - I voted for number #1 because fuck the #2 story fuck had something wrong fuck with it, I just fuck can't quite place my fuck finger on it, it just didn't quite fuck flow together to fuck well, oh fuck well fuck.
------------------------
Hilarious. pure gold.
Submitted by Fleury75 (user info) at 2004-11-21 17:38:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It is interesting to note that both authors used this title to show laughing not in the traditional sense "haha thats funny dude" but rather in a "laugh in spite of myself" or "what else can i do but laugh?" sort of way. Must be cuz its november
Submitted by Fleury75 (user info) at 2004-11-21 17:25:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow this one was close. A very enjoyable read all around. great job. We should do this all the time to create more quality posts.
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-11-21 14:33:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-11-21 11:36:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ralphmacchio (user info) at 2004-11-21 01:29:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-11-20 23:01:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Two reminded me of my own family. But there were two sentences in one I liked so much, I gave it the nod.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-11-20 19:12:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
#1.
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-11-20 18:05:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-11-20 14:20:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
...and iddqd proves once again what a king sized crybaby he is.
Way to go you clever, non-philistine, you.
I hope this marks the departure of your whiny ass from this site for the rest of time.
Good riddance.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-11-20 14:16:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Came up heads
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-11-20 14:16:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Not impressed with either, really... but the title did sort of suck. Its coin toss time..
Heads for 1
Tails for 2
Submitted by NoahsArk (user info) at 2004-11-20 12:00:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Grandparents rule.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2004-11-20 06:41:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I was hoping one was going to go for an Oedipus-thing....but then again, I'm fucked up in the head. I think that two used the title better, but my vote goes to one...because now I'm thinking about Oedipus so it's all good.
Fuck I need sleep. Drugs please. Someone. Please.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2004-11-20 02:51:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Uh...is that a forfeit? In Round Five?
Three words:
What the ghey?
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2004-11-20 02:31:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not opposed to the occasional cuss word, but jeez, number 2...even the ol' grannie tossed out a good couple shots. Too much, took me out of it.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2004-11-20 01:25:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
philistines. this was by far the most clever story ive written in certainly this competition, and for quite a while.
hint: the annoying use of the word 'fuck' is on PURPOSE.
hint #2: irony doesnt necessarily have to be funny.
bah, congrats to thaumaturge.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-11-19 22:08:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Another hard call here. Two was very good, but one grabbed me. Thanks to both writers for some excellent reading.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-19 21:49:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-11-19 21:27:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-11-19 20:53:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by absolutes (user info) at 2004-11-19 20:50:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-11-19 20:25:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by tlozoot (user info) at 2004-11-19 20:12:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This round is awsome.
Submitted by Ignore_the_Small_Print (user info) at 2004-11-19 18:54:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-11-19 18:29:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
neither one really grabbed me, but I felt 2 was more smooth..ya know what I mean?
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2004-11-19 17:47:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-11-19 17:31:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
First one was great.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-11-19 16:14:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Heh.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-11-19 16:01:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
JonnyX (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:29:24 (#)
Ranking: -1
Both of these weren't all that great - I voted for number #1 because fuck the #2 story fuck had something wrong fuck with it, I just fuck can't quite place my fuck finger on it, it just didn't quite fuck flow together to fuck well, oh fuck well fuck.
------------------------
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:59:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Eenie meenie miny mo.
#2 wasn't as bad as #1, which was horribly under developed and a cop-out regarding title usage.
#1's main character hadn't cracked a smile in his entire fucking life, and all of a sudden, when he should be shaken with the emotions of 18 years, he bursts out laughing? Why? Please.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:49:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I couldn't deal with the obvious ending of entry two. But they were both good, of course.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:29:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Both of these weren't all that great - I voted for number #1 because fuck the #2 story fuck had something wrong fuck with it, I just fuck can't quite place my fuck finger on it, it just didn't quite fuck flow together to fuck well, oh fuck well fuck.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-11-19 14:47:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-11-19 13:44:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by zombieZero (user info) at 2004-11-19 13:29:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-11-19 12:56:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Seralena (user info) at 2004-11-19 12:46:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-11-19 12:44:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Domochevsky (user info) at 2004-11-19 12:32:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by tidalfae (user info) at 2004-11-19 12:29:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-11-19 12:25:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-11-19 12:12:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2004-11-19 11:42:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-11-19 11:40:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So the guy was laughing cause the clock ate his grandma?
I don't get it.
Submitted by Dirtbird (user info) at 2004-11-19 11:26:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by drky (user info) at 2004-11-19 11:19:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by cexshun (user info) at 2004-11-19 11:13:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Neither of these knocked my socks off, but they were still pretty good. #2 had a better storyline and plot to it, but #1 was well written and flowed so much better. I have to vote for #1 on this one.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-11-19 10:51:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-11-19 10:51:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-11-19 10:49:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-11-19 10:49:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2004-11-19 10:48:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Ancius (user info) at 2004-11-19 10:43:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ech. How depressing.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-19 10:16:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Neither was great, but entry one was stilted. It had strange flow. And so I vote. For entry two.
Ok, it wasn't *that* bad, but it was still kind of jerky. Oh well.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-11-19 10:04:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
2 was much better than 1...but 2 didn't have a picture....
i'm breaking my picture rule and voting for 2
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2004-11-19 09:58:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-11-19 09:53:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sorry entry two. I got to the fourth fuck and stopped reading.
One was predictable, but I enjoyed it.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2004-11-19 09:53:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
ahh heartwarming
Submitted by humor_me (user info) at 2004-11-19 09:36:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-11-19 09:34:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Flipped a coin.
Submitted by Happy-Tree-Friend (user info) at 2004-11-19 09:27:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
to be honest neither story grabbed me at all.
maybe just not my genre.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-11-19 09:23:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Gibberish has cancer". I heard it and laughed.