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Adventures In Being A Klutz: Why Does Size Matter? Cause The Motion Of The Ocean Will Fuck You Up (1986 hits)

Category: Humor -> Dirty Humor
Labels: Klutz

Rating: 1.91 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)

Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (View user info) at 2004-11-12 13:27:55 EST

"Heyyyyyy Donkeyyyyyyyy!"

All sounds are muffled by the buzzing in my head. The room is dim and my limbs are numb. Have I been roofied? Possibly, but that's just another night of debauchery at UNH. I think I'm gaining a tolerance to them. Oh well.

"Dude, this chick wants your junk hard core," Kev says.

"What's her name?" I manage to spit out. Well, it was mostly drool but that's besides the point.

"Uh, I dunno," he says kinda befuddled.

"Good enough for me," I slur. "It gets awkward when you don't say the right name while she's blowing you, like, 'Oh yeah, that's the way I like its Steve, use your hand.'"

"Gross dude, you said Steve," Kev cringed.

"No, I said Kami," I reply

"Oh, well, anyway, you gonna fuck this chick?" He asks again.

"Might as well. Its almost passing out time anyway," I say as I stumble in the general direction he was pointing.

There is a blonde and a brunette standing against a wall watching me come over. The blond smiled and grabbed me by the shoulder. I'd like to think its cause she couldn't keep her hands off me but is was probably to keep me from falling over. She had man hands. Kinda reminded me of Steve. Wait, what?

"Hi ya ,Donkey," she beamed, "I heard you are pretty well know around here."

"Uh sure, whatever. Soooooo, I heard you wanna fuck. How true is that rumor?" I inquire.

"Well, you heard right. Not to romantic, are ya?" She asks.

"Not with four jagerbombs and a beveay of other brews flowing through my system," I retort.

"Fair enough she says," as she takes my hand and leads me through the crowd up to the bedrooms. Two are full but there is another one that is devoid of dirty fuckers.

"This one looks good," she says coyly.

"Yeah sure," I say shortly. I would have fucked in the bathtub at this point.

We walked into the room and I immediately tripped over an oh so hip beanbag. Seriously people, what the fuck? They aren't cool and all they do is sit there. You might as well get a fucking turtle.

"Oh my gosh, are you ok?" Blonde girl asks.

"Yeah, its like a car wreck. You don't get hurt when your drunk," I tell her.

"That's not funny. I had a friend be seriously injured by a drunk driver," she frowns.

"Maybe he would have been ok if he was drunk too," I try and reason.

"That's horrible!" She screams.
"Listen, I just wanna fuck, I don't need your life story," I say. I'm so good at reasoning with people when I'm shitfaced.

"I almost don't want to," she says quietly.

"Ugh, fine," I say as I start to leave.

"No, wait. Please. I haven't gotten any action in a while. I heard you are a really good guy, so I feel safer if it was with you," she blurts.

"Ok then. Lets start over," I offer.

"Sounds good to me," she accepts.

She came over to the centre of the room and we start making out sloppily. I tried to take off my pants to no avail. Stupid button up fly. I don't like dexterity tests while I'm drunk and horny. She finally took over and got them off. I think I pulled off every button on her shirt AND broke her bra strap.

"Stop, I'll do it myself," she said.

She stripped us both down and I saw she was not a blonde at all. In fact, she was a redhead. Really odd seeing that combo. Fire bush and toe head. I was so confused. Then she sat me down on the bed.

"Whoa, I feel kinda queasy," I said as my stomach sloshed around.

"Don't worry. Its just a waterbed," she smiles before she starts sucking my cock.

I can't remember if it was good or not, all I could think was, "Don't puke, don't puke, don't puke". After she was done, she pushed me over and crawled on top of me, sensing that I was in no shape to take control. Every time she moved, the bed made waves and I could picture the same thing going on in my stomach making a giant mixer.

She started fucking the shit outta me right away. No slow build up. No getting comfortable. Just straight out aggressive sex. She called me every name in the big book of filth. The bed was like a friggin monsoon with the waves tossing us about. She grabbed my nipples and pinched them wicked hard as she screamed. I think I screamed louder than her.

Then something bad happened. Something really bad. I burped.

"So what, Donkey. You burped. Big deal"

Listen people, there are normal burps and there are bad burps. This bad burp was one of those precursor burps when you know you are about to do the Technicolor yawn and witness everything you've had to eat and drink in the past three days fly out of you.

"Baby, stop," I plead

"NEVER STOP!" She screams.

"No really, please," I beg

She ignores me and rides me harder.

Now, I have never experienced projectile vomit before and it was kinda scary. I wondered if I was going to actually puke my guts out. It hit her chest with a sickening splat that can only be recreated by a fat guy taking a dive off of a tall building. She stopped bouncing on me and stared blankly at me in the dim light. We sat in silence with the rolls of the waves becoming smaller and less frequent.

"Did...did you just FUCKING PUKE ON ME!?" She screeched.

"I tried to warn you," I stammered.

Then, without warning, she started wretching and convulsing like a dog that had just eaten grass.

"NO!" I screamed.

While she was still on my cock, she wretched one last time and emptied the contents of her stomach on my chest. I couldn't get away. The fucking waterbed provided little leverage for me to throw her off.

I finally got up and walked to the door bare ass naked. I stepped into the hallway full of partiers on my way to the bathroom to the disgust of some and cheers of others. I knocked on the bathroom door and was greeted by a girls voice informing me she was in there. I told her I didn't care and walked in.

Now I'd be pretty pissed if someone walked in on me taking a dump, but if I saw someone walk in like I did, I wouldn't say a word. Luckily, she only squealed at first and shut up right after she saw the cheetos stuck in my chest hair. I turned on the hot water and jumped in, trying to wash the stench off of me. In a few minutes, the blonde/red head chick jumped in to wash off as well. We scrubbed in silence.

The silence was finally broken when she dropped the soap. I snickered at her shower faux pa and she tried not to smile. She bent down to pick it up and pushed her ass into me. I got the hint and we fucked in the shower. It was a make up fuck and a good one at that.

After we were done, I went back to the room and got dressed. I found Kev and told him I was going to be on my way. To many people were asking me questions and I didn't feel like holding story time.

Fucking on a waterbed is over rated. If you get sea sick, don't forget the Dramamine.

waterbed.jpg (28 kB)

User Reviews

Submitted by Ivy (user info) at 2004-11-16 06:42:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Grody!

Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2004-11-16 05:11:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

I'm glad that you two resolved the whole mess afterwards. In the shower.

Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-11-16 05:04:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

I feel strangely aroused yet somehow nauseous.

-Davros

Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-11-16 04:40:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Heh.

Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-11-15 21:41:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Hahahahaha. I get motion sick so easily. I never thought about the ill-effects of a waterbed though.

Now I know.

Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2004-11-15 21:20:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Where the fuck did you get a picture of my mom's bed?

Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-11-15 20:09:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

not bad for a donkey

Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-11-15 17:57:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1

"We walked into the room and I immediately tripped over an oh so hip beanbag. Seriously people, what the fuck? They aren't cool and all they do is sit there. You might as well get a fucking turtle."

Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-11-15 12:06:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Soooooo funny.

So very funny.

Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-11-13 21:17:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

No Comment

Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-11-13 21:00:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Only you would have sex with her minutes AFTER puking on her.

Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-11-13 08:14:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

i'm gonna drive over to your house... slap you ...

Call shenanigans

and then go play GTA: San Andreas all night long.

Submitted by Jayyz (user info) at 2004-11-12 23:09:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

I love the term FIRE BUSH. That gives you +2. ;)

Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-11-12 20:44:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

No Comment

Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2004-11-12 19:43:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

I too have witnessed the "don't puke. don't puke" moments while fucking

Submitted by Worm (user info) at 2004-11-12 17:31:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1

A blonde redhead?

Shenanigans

Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-11-12 16:16:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Awesome.

Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-11-12 15:40:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

disgustingly hilarious!

Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-11-12 15:16:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Yeah, ok, but were you at Ubercon?

Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2004-11-12 15:01:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

He he he.

Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-11-12 14:46:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Ha!!

Submitted by ToxicNarcotic (user info) at 2004-11-12 14:27:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

for life.

Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-11-12 14:24:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

No Comment

Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-11-12 14:11:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

No comment I could leave would do this story justice.

Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-11-12 14:09:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

i'm gonna drive over to your house... slap you ...

Call shenanigans

and then go play halo 2 all night long.

Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-11-12 14:08:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Yep. Quality as usual.

Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-12 14:07:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

wow...awesome

Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-11-12 14:04:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

This is amazing. I'm turned on and repulsed at the same time. More turned on.

Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-12 13:56:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

You know what would be cool? If you accidently poked a hole in the waterbed and
plugged it up with your peener.

Then took a picture.

The posted it.

Yeah, I would have to applaud you for that.

Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-11-12 13:51:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

way to go!

Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-11-12 13:43:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

I thought I was going to get a post about having sex with Navy Seals out in the ocean, instead you had sex on a waterbed and vomited all over each other. Well done.

I bought you some fake boobies to play with in LA. Be sure to wash them once a day and don't drop them in feces like I did.

Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-11-12 13:41:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

No comment necessary.

Submitted by NYCRulz (user info) at 2004-11-12 13:31:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA..........ride the waves!!!