My Ubercon LA: strippers, transvestites, and hot gay sex (6010 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.84 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by comicbookguy (View user info) at 2004-11-12 11:01:13 EST
Destination: LA
Purpose: Ubercon
Attendants: Comicbookguy (Toronto), Tinactin (LA), GodlovesalittleLovin (Ohio)
After reading all the posts on Ubercon that have sprung up these past few weeks, Tinactin, GLALL and I decided that we would throw a little Ubercon of our own. GLALL had not ventured out into the public for quite some time, but our intimate AIM conversations gave him the warm special feeling that Tinactin and I would not judge him for the hideous scars he had gotten in his child hood knife fights like others had, but instead, look beyond the jagged abnormalities to witness the inner beauty that a lot people couldn't see behind the gross deformities.
Now, I wanted to hold the Ubercon in Canada because as everyone on this site knows, our tropical weather patterns make it an ideal location to hold outdoor barbeques on the beach. Plus, I have a really big bedroom, so I thought we could make forts, pop popcorn, tell stories, and then strip down to bra and panties for a tickle fight. Unfortunately, I was the only one who wore women's underwear so we scrapped that idea. Also, we couldn't do it in Canada because Tinactin wasn't allowed to leave LA. Apparently, his crippled girlfriend's prosthetic legs flew off during sex, and one of the toes poked him in the eye. I guess Mexicans don't like being poked in the eye, because he began to beat her senseless with said prosthetic leg and just like that, he had a dead cripple on his hands. Anyways, now he's awaiting trial for manslaughter. Fortunately, the DA was like, "yeah it's cool, you can chill with some random guys you met on the internet as long as you stay in Los Angeles." Then he did the west side sign with his fingers and shot Biggie.
We had all decided to bring in something to the Ubercon that would be representative of our cities and countries. Born and raised in Canada, I brought beaver stew for three. The only problem was, I usually only made it for one so I may have miscalculated the amount of beaver feces used. Too little or too much would completely ruin the specialty dish. Tinactin was going to bring a pair of plastic Double D breasts and GLALL was going to bring Drew Carey.
I flew in to LA from Toronto. Luckily, I had no problems at the airport even though this time I had bombs in my turban as well as in my Aladdin shoes, the gold ones that curl at the toe.
I took a taxi at to the bar that we were supposed to meet at. Tinactin (who is Mexican) had initially suggested a gay bar, but I put a stop that. Canada had the world's best gay bars so I didn't want to be disappointed with the crappiness that LA gay bars would provide.
I got to the bar and ordered a beer. I immediately spotted Tinactin nursing a Strawberry Daiquiri. I knew it was him because he's queer like that, and plus, his wife beater, toothpick and pencil thin moustache gave him away. Beside him was GLALL, or Mixmaster Mike as he liked to be called, though the only thing he actually mixed was sexual preferences.
"Hey, it's me....CBG!" I said.
Tinactin just stared at me blankly.
"You....do speak English right?"
"Si,si" Tinactin said.
I looked at his pants. "Why is your pocket all greasy?"
"Si, Si, ees my emergency burrito. You never know when burrito come in handy."
I looked over at GLALL who was doing crack.
"Hey GLALL, it's me CBG!"
"I am Prince Calahan, later King of Amber, son of Oberon. R., chosen to the throne by the Unicorn on the field of the battle of the Courts of Chaos." He said. "Now I'm another random person from the Middle Ages."
"Wow, so you really are random, just like on Uber!" I said.
"Yes, now if you'll excuse me, I would like to enjoy my ox testicle drink," he said.
Tinactin remained silent as he nursed his Daiquiri, keeping a keen eye on his Cadillac Escalade which was full of his forty brothers and sisters. If he called it home, I had no right to judge. Meanwhile, GLALL tried to explain to me why God only loved a little loving rather than a lot. Something about Him being a giant cock tease.
I suppose the silence was pretty awkward at first, but after having our fair share of Pina Colada's and Long Island Ice Teas, coupled with the fact that the bar was playing Abba's greatest hits, all three of us decided to hit the dance floor and cruise for chicks. Unfortunately, we were pretty unsuccessful on the whole, even though GLALL did get the number of a 45 year old transvestite. He even demanded that she (he?) drop his/her pants to make sure he/she was pre-op. Unfortunately, she was post-op, but he took her number anyways.
Discouraged, we stumbled out of the bar and decided to hit a strip club. On the way there, we walked by a church where we were accosted by a group of Jehova's Witnesses who wanted to tell us all about Jehova and what he witnessed.
"Here, take this pamphlet," one of the women said. "You will learn all about us and how you can get into heaven."
"I got some heaven for you baby. Right here!" GLALL said, pointing to his now exposed genitals, further perpetuating his random nature.
"So, this is why you like a "little" lovin" Tinactin said. "uh....I mean si si."
We managed to escape the claws of the Jehova's Witnesses by doing the old " 'hey, look there's a Jesus sighting' and then running" trick.
We got to the strip club a few minutes later. Tinactin got us free drinks using his dad's frequent buyer card. Of course, it didn't hurt that his mom, or "Ginger" if you prefer, also worked there.
GLALL got a little too excited and started jumping strippers and shoving dollar bills up their asses. Tinactin on the other hand, was fixated on the current stripper on the boardwalk who was dressed as a hotel cleaning woman.
"SI SI MAID IN MANHATTAN SI SI!" he screamed.
After that, Tinactin's mom got us into the VIP room where Tinactin finally fulfilled his fantasy of having sex with a Spanish maid while eating a guacamole soaked burrito. Meanwhile, GLALL fulfilled HIS fantasy by having sex with the stripper performing as the Virgin Mary, all the while screaming something about, "making sweet Jesus together." And finally, I fulfilled by fantasy by watching them both and slowly stroking myself with my off hand.
We decided to call it quits around 4 in the morning and crashed at Tinactin's bachelor pad, or alternatively, "the cardboard box mud hut" as I like to call it. As I tried to get over my massive headache from the crazy night, I heard screams of passion coming from Tinactin's bed room. I looked over to where GLALL was supposed to be sleeping and realized he wasn't there. Curiosity got the better of me, so I tip toed my way to the bedroom and peaked in.
As predicted, they were going at it pretty good. I smiled to myself because I was so happy that they both found true love at last.
I went back to the living room and turned on the TV, keeping it on mute so as to not wake the 30 other Mexicans strewn all over the apartment. A few minutes into a soft core porno the door bell rang. I went to the door to open it.
"Hey, you're that transvestite that GLALL picked up," I said.
"Yes I am. Is GLALL around?" She/he looked pretty horny.
"Nah, he's having sex with Tinactin."
"Oh"
"Yeah."
"Hmm. Well, what are you doing?"
"Nothing."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
....
Anyways, I was really sore this morning.
Later in the afternoon, while Tinactin was cooking us a soft taco breakfast, GLALL told me that Tinactin was as "tough actin" in bed as his name prescribed. He didn't even give GLALL a reach around which I thought was just plain rude, though he did cure his chronic athlete's foot.
All in all, it was the Best Ubercon ever. We all exchanged numbers and promised to never see or speak to each other ever again.
User Reviews
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-11 01:14:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
best ubercollaborative EVAR
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-11-15 00:44:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Altogether ha!
Submitted by Oscar (user info) at 2004-11-14 15:33:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Har har ruined a perfect rating.
p33n3r
Submitted by xtremecowboy (user info) at 2004-11-14 15:22:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i believe this story to be 100% true
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-12 23:15:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ABBA!
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2004-11-12 19:57:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"yeah it's cool, you can chill with some random guys you met on the internet as long as you stay in Los Angeles." Then he did the west side sign with his fingers and shot Biggie.
Great.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-11-12 15:26:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I will cheer when you take your place on the MVA because you belong there, big time. Great stuff.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-12 15:22:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
CBG <http://www.ubersite.com/m/51342>
Tinactin <http://www.ubersite.com/m/51343>
GLALL <http://www.ubersite.com/m/51341>
Munkeypants <http://www.ubersite.com/m/51365>
Stabkill <http://www.ubersite.com/m/51373>
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-11-12 14:54:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best of the three
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-11-12 14:31:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would've brought Wendy's, considering the first one ever built is in C-Bus, OH.
But now...you get nothing.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-11-12 14:10:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cardboard box mud hut
Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2004-11-12 12:57:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I flew in to LA from Toronto. Luckily, I had no problems at the airport even though this time I had bombs in my turban as well as in my Aladdin shoes, the gold ones that curl at the toe
-------------------------------------------
very nice.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-11-12 12:36:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-11-12 12:26:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Honesty pervades this account. I'm partial to this explanation of events.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-11-12 12:06:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to postwhore the one I did several months ago:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/30916
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-12 12:00:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best group posting ever.
that was amazing. i feel fuffilled.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:49:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
collaborative genius
that doesn't make sense... i am sticking crayons up my nose and i think
i stabbed my brain...
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:47:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hate is such a strong word. Unfortunately, this is how I feel about the lot of you. Soon this feeling of hate will be replaced by a strong feeling of ambivalence. Then I'll eat Chinese food. Mmmmmm. Moo Goo Guy Pan.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:40:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best group posting ever.
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:30:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Tinactin remained silent as he nursed his Daiquiri, keeping a keen eye on his Cadillac Escalade which was full of his forty brothers and sisters. "
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:25:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
god i love these.
*hops over to next person's version*
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:24:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
comicbookguylicious
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:17:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good shit.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:10:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Born and raised in Canada, I brought beaver stew for three.
------------------------------------------------
Better than sex people. Truly.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:09:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
By the way, I'd let you eat my children.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:09:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
DONT BELIEVE HIS LIES!
For the real story, click here
http://www.ubersite.com/m/51343
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:07:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's MY version you dirty Canadian!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/51341
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:06:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:06:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God I love you guys! Tell me you love me!!!
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:05:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hmm, you all posted at the same time...
hmm, no pictures...
It musta happenend!
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:02:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
this is exactly how it happened