It all tumbles downhill (3692 hits)
Category: GraphicsRating: 1.74 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tom <theubertom.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-11-11 23:55:19 EST
Ain't that the truth?
It was like any Thursday. I woke up and 8 am and began shuffling through my home, seeking something to do. Well, I can tell you, I found something to do.
There is quite a bit of food left over from my dad's birthday party, which was last Saturday. My mother got a wide variety of salsas and things; most of these containers of salsas were either hot, oh God save me hot, or so hot it's cold. I must be admittant when I say that I am a wimpy mouth. I am a wimpy mouth. I'm coming clean. I can barely handle the mild salsa, let alone anything at or above the register of hot. Of course, good old Tom always knows what to do.
Mix it together and eat it.
And mix it together and eat it I did. I took out one of our rice bowls and took a small spoonfull of each dish (5 or 6 dishes) and put it in the bowl. It smelled absolutely fantastic, so full of rich flavor and whatnot.
I grabbed a chip from the bag, looked at it for a moment, and chuckled. "I really do want to die." At the time, I considered the pain that I was foreseeing an exaggeration. It turned out, however, to be an extreme...I don't know what word to use. Lets just say it turned out to be an extreme ouch it burns.
I dipped the chip in, got a huge chunk of the salsa on the chip, and moved it up to my mouth. Anyone viewing this fantastic display of alpha-male attitude could see the chip docking in my mouth in slow motion, like the shuttle docking with the International Space Station.
It was in my mouth. I took the first bite. CRUNCH. Another. CRUNCH. I began to chew quicker, saying "Hey, this isn't so bad!" About the time I hit "isn't" I began to choke. The pain was unbearable. My eyes filled up with tears and began streaming down my face. I couldn't breathe. I thought for sure this was going to be my downfall. No more Tom. I'd be dead or incapacitated. Perhaps a vegetable sitting in a hospital bed.
I had to act quickly. The first fluid I saw was an open pepsi sitting on the counter. I dove for it and chuked the can into my face. I sloshed it through my mouth and spit it all out into the sink. I think part of my tongue and gums went with it. It was a split second after I spit it out that I realized what I had done.
"AAAHHHH!" I screamed. "THAH MADE IH WORTHE!" I looked around at anything that could possibly dull this burning sensation. My mind was in primitive man-mode. I saw a can of peanut butter sitting on the counter, so I did what any irrationally thinking person would do. I grabbed a spoon, took a glob of it out and jammed it into my face.
Worst idea ever.
It didn't even taste like peanutbutter. It tasted like nasty putty. If you mixed potatoe salad and corndog breading together in a blender, then nuked it for five and a half minutes; yeah, that's about what it was.
Some awful reaction occured and it seemed to solidify in my mouth. This panicked me. I grabbed the carton of milk out of the fridge and took a swig, trying to wash it all down, but it made the pain extend into my throat. This was a burning that exceeded even the first time I had a drink of Captain Morgan. I sat down on the ground and started to cry. I didn't know what else to do? The intellectual part of my brain stopped working all together minutes ago, and animal instinct took over. Something struck me and I said to myself "Bath dub!" I began to crawl across my floor out of the kitchen, through the dining room, into the hallway and I landed in my bathroom. I turned the water on and hopped in.
I didn't even bother stripping. I went in there wearing socks, jeans, undergarments and a tshirt with the red m&m pointing off to the side and saying "I'm with this nut". The tub started to fill with ice cold water and I was sloshing around in it. I put my mouth under the faucet of the tub and began allowing the water to wash out my mouth. I was even gargling it. Chunks of milk, peanutbutter, and salsa began floating around the water. When the water got deeper, I slammed my face down into it, then began sucking the water into my mouth, then blowing it back out again. I flung my head out of the water again and began breathing heavily.
I was beginning to get my wits back. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough and I kicked the knob that made the water come out into the shower. It started spraying me in the face. My hair was soaked, my eyes were burning now because nasty bathwater got into them and I began to flail, knocking things everywhere.
All the tubside ornaments and soaps were knocked into the water with me. My mouth was STILL on fire, but I managed to get the water off shower and back to faucet. By this time, the tub was nearly filled to the brim and I was still fully clothed (and nipping, needless to say, which I would have considered quite hot at the time had I not been in excrutiating pain).
Good old Tom, always thinking; I grabbed my toothbrush and TOOTHPASTE (what a good little orthodox hygenist I've become), put a slap of toothpaste on the brush and began sawing away at my mouth.
Second to worst idea ever.
The burning intensified with the mint. Now, I don't know what I was thinking, but somehow some listerine mouthwash ended up in there and it was game over for the primitive side of me and the sheer shock, whether it been the cold, the burning in my mouth or the odors burning off my nosehairs, forced my wits to return to me.
I blew the listerine out of my mouth and screamed. This wasn't the usual Tom scream. This was a death roar. Amazonians would have cowered at this yell, and Montezuma's empire would have crumbled before me. I rolled myself out of the bathtub and flew outside via back door, turned the hose on and sprayed my face, mouth and body with it for a half hour until the burning subsided.
I flopped back into my house, sending water flying everywhere. I changed into dry clothes, cleaned up the bathroom and looked at porn. I wasn't sure what else to do.
User Reviews
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-06-04 19:29:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this sounds like an itchy and scratchy episode
Submitted by Kazzerax (user info) at 2004-11-20 00:20:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-11-19 23:55:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Everytime you mention my name, I will hit 3 of your posts. You don't mind, do you? You can get extra hits.
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-11-18 03:09:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Try wasabi...its ultra intense, but only lasts about 5 seconds.
Submitted by beancat (user info) at 2004-11-15 11:03:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny. Next time try a slice of bread. Liquid will only spread the HOT.
And they DO make a "medium" salsa. You just gotta look for it.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-11-12 10:52:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post birthday buddy!
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2004-11-12 09:20:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not true, but funny.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-11-12 08:15:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
9. Take Tom out for hot wings.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-12 08:14:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are now a man! <grunt>
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-11-12 07:23:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Why is it that there's no in-between salsa?
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-11-12 05:29:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should HAVE used milk.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-11-12 05:29:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I insist you read this post... I did the exact same thing in a mexican restaraunt.
I proudly present "eat that jalapeno pepper it will be our defining moment"...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/46354
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-11-12 04:54:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you should of used milk.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2004-11-12 04:19:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
beer doesn't work either
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1100251137551211796
Submitted by Huber_the_Nose (user info) at 2004-11-12 03:24:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
mmmmmm.....salsa
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-11-12 02:16:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-11-12 01:30:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I kicked this homeless guy in the face lastnight, he cried.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2004-11-12 00:37:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-11-12 00:34:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you silly silly insane person.
Submitted by ckoewing (user info) at 2004-11-12 00:29:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
damn why didn't you just swish some fucking Bleach in your mouth, that would have cleared that right up, but then the side effects aren't too great, Bleach is a base, which would cancel out the Acid, immediatelly, but then it would have started eating away your enamel and you would eventually die if any got in your stomac. weird thing is is the milk should have done it, eventually, lots and lots of milk, but you did too much crazy shit before that for it to work. water just increases the burning, just like water and lighning, but not in the same way of course.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-11-12 00:25:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHHAAHA
Submitted by Sepsis (user info) at 2004-11-12 00:07:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
eastside
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-11-11 23:55:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This could have been suggested as an ubermadness title. It sure is dull enough.