You ain't lived till you've been to a West VARginian flea market (3641 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.95 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jonukah (View user info) at 2004-11-01 01:57:20 EST
I took vacation this past weekend.
Of course, vacation for me merely means that I am used my accrued vacation hours to lounge around the house. Not much else is in the budget at the moment. I coordinated my vacation time with Jenny's so we could at least lounge around together. Besides, who needs money when you're with the one you love.
<The huge neon "SIGH" sign flashes to the live audience>
So, by Saturday afternoon, we were bored, hungry, and sick of each other.
Actually, I shouldn't say sick of each other. More accurately, she was annoyed that I had spent the last twenty hours (including sleep time) trying to convince her to watch the Batman movie that she owned on VHS ("What's that," the youngins ask.) And I was annoyed that she had been resolute in her refusal to do so.
I had never seen the movie in its entirety before, being chased away from my first viewing experience by my mother who wished to shield me from such gruesome violence. (She kicked me out of the room after that first scene when the Joker electrocuted the boss into a smoking crisp. I was only ten at the time, but I still think that is being a little over-protective. Hell, the comic books are far more violent than the comic book movies. Look up: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles).
Anyway, I finally convinced Jenny to watch the movie, after bribing her with both a Jonukah foot rub AND a Jonukah back massage (Both of which are well beyond reproach, as more than one uber-user can testify to. That just goes to show how much Jenny hated Batman.) So, we turned it on, watched my beloved Warner Bros. merchandising commercial*, and....
The movie blows. I'm sorry, it was just plain bad. And not in the good Evil Dead way, either. Sure, Jack was amusing as The Joker. And the fact that Batman had to move his entire body to look around him because of the restrictions of his damn Bat-suit was freakin' hilarious. Every time he had to bend over backwards to look up had me in tears. He looking like a freakin' bobble-torso. I never knew that Batman's kryptonite was lack of peripheral vision.
Can you believe that kryptonite isn't in WordPerfect's vocabulary? That is quite disappointing. And that squiggly red line is quite distracting...Where was I? Oh yes.
Batman sucked. Horrible lighting. Pitiful plot. I can forgive the poor special effects and choreography, but I cannot forgive Michael Keaton's hair. I think that was my biggest gripe of the movie. That damn Brillo-pad on top of Michael's head. I don't know, maybe I just hold my most beloved super-heroes to a higher standard of movie. I don't mind that the Superman movies sucked (sorry Reeves, RIP) but that is only because Superman in the comics sucked.
Sorry. I don't do aliens. Especially over-powered humanoid aliens in blue spandex whose one weakness is a crystalized noble gas.
Well, now that I've earned some automatic -2s from certain comic book fans, lets move on.
After watching the movie, Jenny and I were trying to think of something to do that doesn't involve much driving, as I always assume my Daewoo is on its last legs. Being at her house in West Virginia really only left us with one choice: A trip to a flea market. Why a flea market, you ask? Well, for one, this is West Virginia, and there isn't much there. Two: West Virginian's are an interesting species, and I thought it would be interesting to do some field research.
The trip was well worth it.
At first glance, it did not seem too much a deviation from your standard flea market. It had your standard stuff: Old, rusted tools that nobody would want because they are useless, which is why people want to get rid of them, yet these vendors couldn't figure out why they weren't selling like hot cakes**; the obligatory Big-Mouth Billy Bass singing fish; various knives, swords, and other poorly made medieval weapons; scratched up CDs, records, and computer software, old clothes fruit surplus
There were a few things, however, that I believed separated the West Virginian flea market from the rest. First off, the abundance of mullets broth frightened and awed me. Then, there was computer software that was SO obsolete and useless it was funny. Like drivers on 5 inch floppies for printers that no longer exist anywhere in the world. The holographic paintings of Jesus were enjoyable; when you looked at it from different angles, you either saw Jesus depicted on the cross or flying with wings. But I think it was the vendor whose wares consisted solely of weapons, metal music albums, and Nazi and KKK memorabilia that really topped the cake. Took the cake. Ate the cake. Whatever.
No matter the wares, the most fun you can have in flea markets is in haggling the wares and pissing off the vendors. I enjoy the following techniques:
"Ohhhhhh,....look at this. An ancient-Egyptian ceremonial sacrificial knife, used for cutting the bodies of Pharaohs to be mummied. Look at the beautifully engraved hieroglyphics on the sheath Where did you get such a priceless artifact?! I wonder if it is still sharp...." <I open the scabbard and read the inscription on the blade> "...Made in Taiwan, 2001. UGH! A SHAM!"
"Do you take Mastercard?"
"Do you charge a restocking fee for returns? What is your return policy? You don't have a return policy?! Well what if it doesn't work? Oh, you "ASSURE" me that it works? So this thing will actually mighty my penis? Good. Because if it doesn't, I'm going to sue you under breach of warranty of merchantability.
"What do you mean, you don't take Mastercard?"
<Picking up the holographic painting of Jesus and turning it back and forth> "Jesus on the cross....and Jesus flying through the air with wings. Dying Jesus.....Dead Jesus. Emaciated Jesus....Emancipated Jesus. Emaciated Jesus....Emancipated Jesus. Emaciated Jesus....Emancipated Jesus. Happy Jesus....Sad Jesus. Happy Jesus....Sad Jesus. Happy Jesus...Sad Jesus. Happy Jesus......HOLY FUCKING CHRIST THIS THING IS $359.99?! FORGET IT!"
"Can I write you a check?"
<Picking up a 1984 miter saw with clearly marked "As is" sign> "Do you honor the manufacturer warranty? Do you know what a warranty is? Can you SPELL warranty?"
"No checks?! Well then, can I pay the difference with this coupon card for Subway? Only three stamps to go for a free six inch sub!"
<Picking my way through various rifles and handguns> "What would suggest for killin' the daddy of my baby-momma? Please tell me the features include 'sawed off' and 'double-barreled'"
"Does my Safeway card save me anything today?"
"What about for killin' my baby momma? What should I buy for killin' her? Why do I need to kill my baby momma? Because I just found out that the daddy of my baby-momma is the daddy of my baby-momma's baby. Why do you think I'm killin' the dadddy? I shoulda' been the daddy! What? Why do I get 75% off everything? You understand exactly what I mean? Thank you, and godspeed to you, too.
"FINE! I'LL PAY CASH! Sheesh.................Do I get a cash discount?
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Nothin' like messin' with the ol' West Varginyan country folk.
<FOOTNOTES>
*That commercial is such a freakin scam. The use of Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck obviously portrays an intentional marketing to children. While some may find minor ethical issues with that in and of itself, the real kicker is that the number you call to buy the merchandise is a 1-900 number, $1.50 per minute. I wonder how many thousands of kids gave their parents a big surprise when the phone bill came around. I wonder if there is a law against that now.
**WHY the fuck are hot-cakes, of ALL the damn things in the world, the universal utility of comparison for fast-selling wares? WHO THE HELL buys hot-cakes like there is no tomorrow? WHO THE HELL EVEN CALLS THEM HOT-CAKES? Aren't hot-cakes and pancakes the same damn thing? Doesn't everybody say pancakes? Who likes pancakes that much? One trip to IHOP, and I'm good for pancakes for three freakin years.
User Reviews
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-05-17 14:44:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by OwnedByBiafra (user info) at 2005-02-05 23:00:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha! I live in WV.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-01 17:13:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-11-02 11:56:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
StonedSilly:
Actually, this was in Harpers Ferry, I think. Right off of 340.
Submitted by FreshPrince (user info) at 2004-11-02 09:52:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/50319 <---Most beautiful girl EVAR
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-11-02 09:49:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As a former resident of West By-God Virginia, I can attest that everything that was said in this post is 100% true.
Mullets are as common as big-tired, loud Dodge trucks.
The collective tooth count at any flea market is equal to or less than the largest tire size at said flea market.
Where were you in WVA? Harpers Ferry?
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-11-02 09:37:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you need a vacation.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-11-02 09:27:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG WTF??? U HAT BAT MAN???
BAT MAN BAT MAN BAT MAN!!!
BAT MAN BAT MAN BAT MAN!!!
U SUK!!!
-2 DIE!!!
Submitted by kenryoku1 (user info) at 2004-11-02 03:24:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Thank you, and godspeed to you, too"
fucking rad.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-01 16:12:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a good haggler. I commend you.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-11-01 12:16:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And you made it sound like you were bored...
lies!
Submitted by Ancius (user info) at 2004-11-01 11:58:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You write the best shit.
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2004-11-01 11:19:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My mom used to take me to those flea markets, before she started drinking kerosene in the attic.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-11-01 11:07:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-11-01 05:11:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by piemaniv at 2004-11-01 04:11:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-11-01 03:45:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There is a flea-market about 15 minutes from me. Everyone around here calls it the ''jockey-lot" for some odd reason. Regardless, you can purchase many items there really cheap-- definitely worth the value.
In fact, I have a car CD-DVD player with a retractable monitor that would cost more than 1K in stores. Paid 100 bucks for it at the flea-market. Then again, it was stolen.
How'd I know it was stolen? The car was still attached to it.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-11-01 02:50:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
pancakes are also called "flapjacks" in some of the nation's more diseased regions
the pestilence of society
i fucking swear
burn the planet to a crisp
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2004-11-01 02:38:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree with Shitfuck, B@W.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-11-01 02:27:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahah you're my favourite author here...If I could, I would make you my own personal writing slave.
"WRITE FOR ME BITCH!" And it would all have to be entertaining, or I would smack you around.
Nothin' but love!
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-11-01 02:16:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What the shit, Jon? When did you move to WV?
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-11-01 02:06:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
P@W?
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-11-01 02:05:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My old roommate used to have one of those Billy Bass things.
And liked it.
A LOT.
She would show EVERYONE, which of course involved making it sing.
Goddamn it I'm glad I don't live with her anymore.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-11-01 02:02:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W