Dairy Queen Sucks (2232 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: 1.8 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <good_old_jamie.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-08-31 13:21:45 EDT
Stirring in the last of the styrofoam cups that had fallen into the deep fryer, I was ready to lock up and go home. Only a short sprint left to the end of my crappy closing shift.
Since becoming assistant manager at the Dairy Queen, life has been great. I mean, who can argue with all of the free delicious frozen treats, not to mention the girl who lets me dip her boobs in the chocolate syrup.
Mike and Leigh ALWAYS worked the night shift with me during the week. Tonight started out just like any other night. We had just finished working another bullshit shift that treated us to the likes of many a heifer. I had to perform one of toughest duties of all in the realm of assistant manager hood: fire the funny guy because he asked a rather robust evening customer if he could, of all things unholy, milk her.
Now I would have totally let that go on any other occasion, but she was pissed, I mean rabid pissed... and also the owners daughter.
"Mike! You fucking asshole" she screamed at his headset-adorned ear. "Fuck you and your skinny ass! I am a very sexual being! Voluptuous and sexual! My dad's going to have your ass for this."
Mike looked at Leigh, and then at myself. He knew what he had to do. He had crossed the Crisco-laden line and there was no going back. It was only a matter of time for this guy. He can't keep it shut. He knew as well as any that his time at the DQ was limited. He knew what he had to do. Seduce the sphere, and steal a shit load of Dilly bars.
"Listen," Mike said staring into the quivering mass. "You yelping cylinder of love, I've put at least three pubic hairs in your Moo-Latte every day for the last two weeks. I fucked your Oreo Creme Blizzard, as hard as any man could... and pictured you eating it in the shower."
We all shuddered.
"Look, let me give it to you straight. I may not be classy, but I do these things for you! I'm terrible with women, but shit, I just can't hide it any longer. My anger is with myself, so alone..."
Before I could wipe away the tears, he had a mitt-full of rhino tit and an unwrapped Dilly Bar. Leigh and I were two steps from pulling him off when 'Pops' comes in.
"Get the fuck off my daughter you sick little a-hole!" ... Yes, he called Mike an a-hole.
"I love her and there is nothing you can do!" yelled Mike as he dashed out the door with more coated soft-serve than any man should ever require.
I managed to calm down my boss and his now-grinning daughter enough to have them forget about the fact that Leigh and I nearly shit ourselves laughing.
"Any more of this and I will kick your ass out of here so hard your dumper-hole will never function again. Fire that fuck or I will shit IN you."
Without flinching as he swung the doors open for his manatee-like spawn, it became abundantly clear what I had to do...
...Lock up the store after stirring some more styrofoam into the deep fryer.
Another day, another dollar.
User Reviews
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2004-12-06 10:30:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Absolutes:
Born and raised... my roomates and I head up the High Commission of Sault Ste Marie in Ottawa.
Submitted by absolutes (user info) at 2004-12-05 21:46:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2004-12-03 11:02:18 (#)
I'm now cheering for the Sault Ste. Marie Greyhounds. They play like they want to.
--
Hey, are you from the Sault? I am.
Submitted by themicrowave (user info) at 2004-10-13 00:34:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuckin Sucks!!!! Dont ever talk shit about Laos again you asshole.
Submitted by Tj <malachewaii.at.aol.com> at 2004-09-29 14:55:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gotta love a comic genius.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-09-29 14:45:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
more people should have read this in the first place. kudos.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-09-09 15:51:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, you don't suck. Cool.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-06 14:07:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RideJohnnyRide (user info) at 2004-08-31 20:40:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I imagined all of this going down in my local dairy queen and I laughed..
I'm never going to fucking DQ again.
Submitted by Alithewonderllama (user info) at 2004-08-31 20:16:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-08-31 19:44:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-08-31 18:40:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"It's only when you've lost everything that you're free to do anything."
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-08-31 17:51:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2004-08-31 15:55:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have to stand near in the ice cream log cake display for 26 seconds, then cover with nuts~!
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-08-31 14:26:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Strange. But funny.
I want to hear more about the girl that lets you dip her boobs in the chocolate syrup!?!
Submitted by Valacosa (user info) at 2004-08-31 14:22:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious!
Would the boob-chocolate solidify? I mean, I always thought it was the cold that did it...
Submitted by oxanar (user info) at 2004-08-31 14:16:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+6 for Crossing the Crisco-laden line.
-2 for making fun of Dairy Queen in the title.
-2 for making me never want to have another treat from there again.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-08-31 14:13:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, thats awsome... I wanna work at a Dairy Queen. Sort of.
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2004-08-31 14:01:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AshK.. It's more fun than it sounds,.. if you like boobs, AND you like chocolate, then man-alive, watch out for the goodness!
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-31 13:55:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ohh, I want chocolate dipped titties!
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2004-08-31 13:48:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
true love always wins out in the end
Submitted by Dr. Stevenson <dr.stevenson.at.your.mom's.house> at 2004-08-31 13:33:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
>> Another day, another dollar.
Grindin, gettin pay
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-31 13:31:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, yes. The service industry.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-08-31 13:31:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad, but I want closure.
Submitted by causeican (user info) at 2004-08-31 13:30:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You yelping cylinder of love, I've put at least three pubic hairs in your Moo-Latte every day for the last two weeks. I fucked your Oreo Creme Blizzard, as hard as any man could... and pictured you eating it in the shower."
Wow that was fucking funny!