Trapped in my house, surrounded by evil, low on ammo (3662 hits)
Category: NewsRating: 1.95 on 46 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jonukah (View user info) at 2004-08-03 20:42:39 EDT
This may be my last transmission....
I don't know how much time I have. I have limited supplies, no way out, and I'm running out of ammo. So far I have killed two of them, and wounded three others, but they're so many of them.....so many, and they've taken control. I hear them....in the walls, in the ventilation ducts, outside my windows.....all around me. It's all my fault. If I hadn't been so ignorant, if I hadn't been so blind, I could have stopped them. Well, I guess I should start from the beginning.
For the past month, I have been hearing noises from my attic. Peculiar noises. It started out as a very light tapping, like the sound water dripping on a leave: tat.....tat......tat....tat. Then I started hearing an unusual vibration, like the sound of a playing card flapping in the spokes of a bike. I brought others into my bedroom to hear the noise, but every time they came, the sound was gone, and I was left the fool. Heh.....hindsight is a brutal thing. I thought I was going mad, and while that remains to be seen, even in madness I could never have imagined the horrors I have unleashed in my room. But, I skip ahead. Let me go back.
I became used to the noises. The noises were rather punctual, and for someone with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, that was a comforting thing. They started at around nine every night, peaked around eleven, then continued through to the morning. I became so used to the noise, that I started having trouble sleeping without it. Then, one morning, I awoke and beheld a water stain on my ceiling. It wasn't very obvious, but it was just above my head as I woke up. I wasn't sure if it was there before and I just hadn't seen it. I didn't worry about it; it was just some discoloration in a spot about the size of my fist, as destiny would have it.
Jenny slept over one night a few days ago, and she heard the noises too. FINALLY! I knew I was going crazy. She asked me what it was and I, not wanting to scare her, told her it was probably pidgins.
"Pidgins?," she asked. I never heard pidgins sound like that.
"Well....I have seen a few bats flying around here, too."
"Bats?!" She looked alarmed. I reassured her that the sound was coming from pidgins.
"Hear the pitter-patter of their feet? Hear the flapping of their wings?"
"I guess so.......but what is that vibrating sound?" she asked with a puzzled look.
"Uh.....one of them snores."
"Snores?" She looked doubtful.
"Sure....it probably has a deviated septum. I'm telling you, they're pidgins."
"I guess so." She finally seemed somewhat satisfied. A little while later, right as I was falling asleep, she asked: "Do pidgins even have septums?" My eyes opened wide.
And that was when I got scared.
This afternoon, as I was moving furniture around my room, I heard the pidgin snoring again. "In the middle of the fucking afternoon?," I thought. I'll show that damned bird.
I stood up on my bed and looked up. "I can't believe I sleep directly six feet under this thing." Six feet under.....the thought brings chills down my spine. I thought, "Do birds even sleep during the day? I know bats do, but then....I wouldn't hear them at night too...." I started having doubts. The water stain looked a little bigger and darker than before....but maybe I was just imagining it.
I summoned up my courage and thought, "Well.....whatever it is, if it sleeping, I'm gonna give it a little wake up call. I bent down, leapt up, and tapped my ceiling, and that is when my whole world literally came crashing down around my ears.
The drywall simply exploded above my head and crumbled down around me. The pieces fell into my eyes and I couldn't see. Immediately a deafening sound flooded through my ears. Although I could not see, I felt an angry cloud form around me, roaring closer. I brought my hands up to my face as the terrifying realization struck me:
Hornets.
Do you remember that scene in Saving Private Ryan where the American soldier leans against the wall, and it falls behind him revealing a battalion of enemy soldiers eating supper? It was exactly like that, except I was unarmed and by myself. And not a soldier. And not in Europe during WWI. And instead of soldiers eating there were hornets eating supper. Thousands.
Thousands of hornets living above my head, all this time. Growing in numbers and power, building their nest......and I just punched my way right into they're living room. These thoughts and others all flooded through my mind in a fraction of a second, and with blinding speed I raced out of my bedroom and closed the door behind me. Only when I sank to the floor in the hallway outside my bedroom did I fully realized what had happened, but more importantly, what I left in my bedroom.
Car keys. Wallet. Computer. Cell phone. Final Fantasy 7. Protective clothing. Camera.
With horror in my eyes and the stealth of a cat, I crawled to my door, opened it ever so slightly, and peaked around it. What I saw will stay with me until the end of my days.
They were swarming around my room. Most were buzzing around the hole in my ceiling defensively, while fully armed patrols were swarming around the perimeter looking for what destroyed their home. Apparently, I had struck directly into the center of their hive. Maybe I even injured the queen. But that thought hardly comforts me now. Right now I am just trying to stay alive while they are out there searching for me. They don't even know that they are between me and my car keys and wallet. Between me and my salvation. I quickly gathered what little weapons I could find: Three cans of powerful insecticide, with a twenty-five foot range, and two fly-swatters. Not bad for being caught unprepared.
I armed myself with what I had. With a can in each hand, and flyswatters strapped over my shoulders Leonardo-style, I took a deep breath and ran into my room for my keys and cell phone. At first glance I could not spot them, and a few hornets immediately spotted them. I aimed and pressed the triggers, but one can was empty and the other jammed.
Writer's Aside: Don't you think that by now, after watching hundreds of action movies, I would have learned to not go into battle with untested fire-arms? Several movies made key points of this. Oh well.
I threw down my spray cans and grabbed my melee weapons. They came at me from all directions as I swung my weapons with such ferocity that I drove the first wave back. With only a moment to spare, I quickly surveyed the scene. Two were dead around me, three were injured and flying erratically. I grabbed the only valuable item within reach, my camera, and raced out of my bedroom once again. I grabbed the third can of insecticide that I had left, and opened the door one more time for video surveillance.
The pictures I took drained me of hope. A hole the size of my fist was above my bed. Still no keys or wallet in sight, and my cell phone was being guarded on the window sill. Hundreds of hornets were swarming around the ceiling. They were angry. Very angry.
Please, if you get this transmission, send help. Send the orco man, or Sigourney Weaver with a flamethrower. I live at 283........Oh no. They found me. I don't know how, but they found me. Run for it Ma-
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User Reviews
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2005-02-16 11:39:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beads? .... Bees? Who runs the honey conglomerate anyway... Beads? MY bead company will steal your honey.
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-02-16 11:27:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've gotta do a post about my wasp bedroom hell.
I was woken up by a f'ing wasp stinging the webbed bit between my fingers. I jumped out of bed, and was stung a further 4/5 times, including inbetween my toes. They'd eaten there way through my ceiling, and there was dozens off them flying around. Dozens dozy or dead on the floor.
Worst morning ever.
Submitted by Vomit (user info) at 2005-02-16 11:23:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny shit.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-16 11:09:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I read that a while ago and forgot to rate.
Pardon me Father, do not molest me.
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-02-16 10:54:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by neeping (user info) at 2004-10-27 23:24:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, I had to review this because it invaded my dreams today, and not in a good way.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2004-10-21 13:30:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There are 0010 kinds of people in the world. Those who know binary, and those who don't.
Submitted by ruin_dc (user info) at 2004-09-07 17:36:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
bleh...
Submitted by AIahAckbar (user info) at 2004-09-04 20:21:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-08-16 12:05:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-08-16 12:00:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-08-12 23:52:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHA
I'm with BigMike though....Pidgins.....
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-08-09 04:24:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-08-09 04:06:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-08-03 23:43:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
AOD reference = +2
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ditto. kick ass writing to boot.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-08-08 01:32:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Never cease to entertain.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:55:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whew. I had been worried that you had been caught on Ubersite at work and had been thrown into a pit or something. Actually, I had been worried that the above had happened, and you hadn't posted about it. THAT would anger me. Good to know you're still alive (mostly).
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-08-04 15:40:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for an awesome story, but also for mentioning FF7.
Submitted by Pittdude (user info) at 2004-08-04 11:26:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fantastic
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-08-04 10:50:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Zippo + Paul Mitchel (sic) Industrial Strength Hair spray = Dead Hornets
maybe a burned down house as well, but atleast the hornets will be dead.
Submitted by dategrape (user info) at 2004-08-04 08:00:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
AINT NOTHING GONNA BREAK MY STRIDE, AINT NOTHING GONNA SLOW ME DOWN
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-08-04 07:49:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome back.
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-08-04 07:41:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yowch, excellent writing.
Submitted by emptyrobot at 2004-08-04 06:49:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A hornet is like a yellow jacket only its about 3 inches long and pissed off at all times. Wasp is about an inch long and are fairly passive.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-08-04 05:44:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is a hornet just a wasp, or is it something completely different? I'm confused....
Submitted by Slapshot99 (user info) at 2004-08-04 02:35:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn I wish I could write like this.......sidenote: Use Dish Soapy water to kill them in a second....works like a charm
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-08-04 01:52:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kill them all.
Put me on a lie detector test and see if this statement would be true:
I would rather have a rattlesnake on my lap or a black widow in my palm than have a hornet/wasp/bee on me.
Yes. This is a fact. I am a coward when it comes to those fucking things...it's my weak point. Maybe because I have never been stung in my entire life I am over-reacting.
Great story to literally freak me the hell out. I hate those things. (I can't say it enough).
Submitted by Therighteouswicked (user info) at 2004-08-04 01:35:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-08-04 00:45:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
freakin awesome.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-08-04 00:31:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HatMan (user info) at 2004-08-04 00:28:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-08-04 00:09:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
badass man...
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-08-03 23:47:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm very allergic, and would probably die from a half a dozen or more stings...may the force be with you.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-08-03 23:43:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AOD reference = +2
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-08-03 22:58:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A "pidgin" is a word spell check made when I spelled the name of the bird "pidgeon" instead of "pigeon."
I'm going to chalk that up to the protagonist of the story being very rushed as he could be attacked at any minute, and as the author, I thought spelling it "pidgin" would be a clever pun. (Pidgin meaning a simplified form of speech)
<hack...cough..ahackbullshit....ahem>
Good to be back on uber. Stay tuned for the sequel
Submitted by UnAssKickable (user info) at 2004-08-03 22:54:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man if only I had the link to that home made flamethrower on something awful... You could roast those fuckers.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-08-03 22:52:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pigeon
Submitted by Gish (user info) at 2004-08-03 22:38:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And you said you weren't badass.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-08-03 22:16:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man... you gotta get some real firepower.
Submitted by Rob at 2004-08-03 22:09:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate wasps, little fuckers hurt.
Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2004-08-03 21:31:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A pidgin is a bird, i'm pretty sure there are lots of them in the states.
Submitted by Matt Maiorano at 2004-08-03 21:10:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Brat Prince of Uber has returned! I will come to thine aid, your highness!
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-08-03 21:04:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the hell is a Pidgin?
Is that like a midget or something, or did you spell it like that on purpose?
I was hoping it was going to be something good, something evil.
I'm disappointed. You still get a 2 though because I like the way you wrote it.
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-08-03 20:56:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy christ..
Should have shot water at them, water kills hornets!
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-03 20:49:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-08-03 20:48:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus Christ... be careful, man.
We once knocked down a wall here in the house. Behind it was a long-abandoned paper wasps' nest about four feet in diameter.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-08-03 20:48:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment