Finding God In A Dumpster, Slapping Sense Into German Tourists & Raising Disco From The Dead, Oh My! (1278 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: Dano
Rating: 1.77 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Scott James (View user info) at 2004-07-13 23:57:06 EDT
As I stumbled to the bar, small change in hand, I noticed a familiar figure standing tall above every other patron in the room. He towered above the writhing mass of bodies that were grinding up and down against one another. He was as big as a house. A leviathan. A magnificent specimen of the genes handed down to us by our ancestors. If he looked anymore manly then he would have been breaking blocks of ice with his forehead and cutting down Redwoods with an axe.
Then the music changed from Blondie's 'Atomic' to a 'Dancing Queen' by Abba and my cousin propped his wrist up on his hip and looked in my direction with those big brown eyes widening to the size of china plates.
"SOMEBODY GET ME A STAGE!" Lefty bellowed
He then began to strut his stuff like he was John Travolta, except with a lot more flailing of the limbs and awkward shuffling.
I pinched the bridge of my nose with my thumb and forefinger and shook my head in disbelief as I watched my 6'9, 240Ibs kinsman slide around the dance floor like Ginger Rogers. I thought the night could not get any worse.
The not-so-gentle tap on my shoulder would prove me to be completely and utterly wrong.
I swivelled around to see Dano standing with a look of pure unadulterated fury etched into his face. His head and chest had been drenched and stank of vodka. He glared at me for what seemed like an eternity.
Finally, I spoke up, "What happened?"
Dano opened his mouth to speak but I did not hear him. Instead, my ears were filled with the rush of silence as my vision became blurred and skewed. The only thing I remembered after that was hitting the deck before rolling on to my back to see a frighteningly muscular woman glaring down at me with the look of the Devil. I drunkenly deduced that she was the person who hit me. So Dano hit her. Then everything went black.
Six hours earlier, Dano, Lefty and myself were in attendance at the 50th birthday party of my Uncle Dave. Father to Dano and Lefty, I also regarded him as a surrogate father of sorts. Naturally, such a milestone meant that everyone and his dog was invited to this little shindig. For the first time in years our entire extended family was present for what turned out to a warm and affectionate occasion. But it was not without its moments of absurdity.
After Dano, I was the eldest of the current crop of grandchildren. Then it was Dano's brother, Lefty who was only six months younger than me and our cousin, Monk, who was twenty-two. The teenagers were made up of Monk's sister, Vicki, my brother, Bando, and the eldest son of the fourth crop of grandchildren, Carlos. The infants were made up of Carlos' two younger brothers, Zack and Josh, who, in keeping with the histrionics of other members of my family, set the tone for the evening by arriving at the party late and deliberately short-circuiting the sound system when the DJ left his post unattended.
Somehow as it was with all our family gatherings, it was left up to me to keep my generation under control while the elders enjoyed some freedom away from the apron strings of parenthood. Dano's role as the eldest grandson was merely a decorative one. Any authority he had was based on his lunacy whereas what little control I could administer was based on the fact that I would not take shit from anyone. So by the time I was called upon to install order upon the two marauding infants, Zack and Josh, I quickly gained the assistance of Dano, Lefty and Monk and had the two little shits thrown in a dumpster I had filled with ice cold water. They did not make a peep for the rest of the evening. Dano joked that we had exorcised the demons from their demented little bodies.
"We are the lords of all creation!" He bellowed whilst slapping me heartily on the back with a self-gratifying chortle. We could not put a foot wrong, in other words.
And so it was.
The rest of the party went without incident. Well, relatively speaking. There were a few choice moments when Dano chose to confound all assembled personnel with few pearls of wisdom that would have baffled an entire class of Philosophy students let alone anybody else. But we managed to leave the party and head into town without too much trouble. As I led the way, Dano and Monk stumbled along beside me as Lefty kept Bando and Carlos in tow.
It was around that point where things began to get a bit hazy - blank spots in the memory that ached to be filled. But I do remember a fateful discussion between Dano and I concerning drinking games and childish pranks that we could play on one another when we were drunk. Then I remembered an old prank I used to play on my friends when I was at university.
It was quite simple and could be extremely effective if I still had the right level of timing.
With a sly chuckle, I decided that I would keep the prank to myself and use it the first chance I had after I entered the nightclub.
First, I needed to find a large group of people, preferably a dance floor since that was the ideal place to blend in among a crowd of heaving bodies. As I studied the throng, I spotted a gaggle of apparently single young women getting with the swing of the music in a dark corner of the dance floor.
Perfect.
As the rest of the boys fell in behind me I led the march on to the dance floor and began bopping away next to the gaggle of women in the corner. I was certain they were not local. In fact, they looked like they were from very far out of town. That alone would probably make my job easier. Had I known that this particular group were in fact a bunch of German tourists perhaps all of this could have been avoided.
As the smooth, smooth sounds of Barry White pumping out of the speaker system gave way to Blondie, Dano, Monk and Lefty cut a rug beside me as I discreetly moved closer to the group of girls in the corner. I studied them out of the corner of my eye, anxious to find my victim. Finally, I settled on a tall brunette who looked like she could take a joke. Keep in mind that I did not know she was German at the time. Carefully, I danced until I was positioned back-to-back with her. Dano spotted me and gave me a wry smile, obviously under the wrong impression that I was about to make a move on this girl.
With that, I turned around and unleashed an almighty slap on the girl's ass before ducking out of sight in one swift movement. By the time I had turned to survey the damage, I was a clear five metres away but close enough to see the girl had furiously spun around and slapped the guy closest to her. That guy would have to be Dano though, wouldn't it?
Unfortunately, that was not where it ended.
I think this was where about where we came in...
I was on the floor having been knocked to the ground by a muscular woman who I will refer to as Frau. Her heaving bosom belied her manly physique and thinly trimmed moustache, not to mention her stinking breath. From what I could infer, Frau was the brunette's girlfriend and it had been her who threw a drink over Dano. Obviously, Frau had then been informed that Dano had been wrongly accused and that I was responsible for the slight on her girlfriend, leading to the cuff I received around the ear. Dano took offence at this and struck back. Normally, I would frown on upon violence against women but this was the odd exception that the man was the one who was physically outmatched. Frau could clearly take any man in the room, even a lunatic like Dano.
Wonderful, I thought, what else is going to happen?
It only took me a few seconds to regain my senses, but in that time I could see that that the respective parties of all those involved had already congregated around us. As Lefty and Monk pulled me up off the floor, I saw that Dano and Frau were in each other's faces, Screaming Like Berserkers, but she stood a good six inches higher than him and Dano was tall. I stumbled over to put myself between the two of them, but she continued to bait the pair of us.
"You fight like sissy girl, motherbitch!" She screamed in a thick German accent as she pumped her fist into the palm of her hand.
Dano's retaliatory strike in my defence had obviously served no purpose other than to piss her off even further. Holy Christ, not only did I have to safeguard the dignity of this batch of mewling infants who I called my kin, but now I had to deal with a gargantuan lesbian bodybuilder who had a deep-seated lack of anything resembling humour. Moreover, the bitch was up for a fight and I was too drunk to put up much resistance.
"You have no cock. You fight like scared pussy!" She screeched.
I could only wonder where this bunch of circus freaks had learned to speak the English language, but given the high standard of education and social welfare in Germany I could only deduce that this bunch of reprobates were in actual fact a special needs class of some kind. I anxiously scanned the room for the presence of their care worker or preferably a group of orderlies in white coats. Sadly they failed to appear.
"Do you hear me, cocksucker?" She screeched, "I'm going to mash your face up, real good!"
I really did not know how to handle this situation. A horde of bouncers should have been breaking up this confrontation but they were nowhere to be seen. Instead, it was left to me to prevent my cousins from coming to blows with what appeared to be the German female shot putt team. I already had one bruise on my head. I really did not want another.
Then naturally, as with a lot of things in my life, the opportunity to rectify the situation was stolen away from me by the utter insanity of, you guessed it, my cousin, Dano.
As Frau glared down on us and awaited our response, I could sense that Dano and Lefty were having a whispered conversation over my shoulder. Lefty was sniggering like a schoolgirl, which I immediately registered as a bad sign. Dano stepped forward, only a few feet away from Frau, extended his right arm into a Nazi salute and then tucked his other hand beneath his nose, mimicking Adolph Hitler's comedy moustache. As if to compound the situation even further, he even stamped one of his feet in the style of the SS.
I heard somebody's voice break as it screeched, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!" I felt my throat go hoarse. Turns out it was my voice that was breaking. Dano dropped the Nazi stance and burst into a fit of giggles, wagging his finger in Frau's face.
Frau reached back to throw a punch and suddenly my mind sprung into top gear. In a flash, I had barged Frau back into the crowd and grabbed Dano by the collar, quickly shepherding the rest of my posse towards the exits.
Then the Germans started to throw furniture around the bar.
A brawl ensued. Involving almost everyone. Unfortunately, my quick thinking was not in synchronisation with my drunken body and I failed to duck in time when a beer bottle whizzed towards me, clonking me on the forehead.
For the second time in ten minutes I had been floored, only this time my family had abandoned me. The bastards. I was eventually helped to my feet by a kindly looking girl who dragged me along with the rest of the stampeding swarm that was heading toward the exit.
By the time I felt the cold night air on my face, the brawl was well under control as the bouncers waded in and picked off the main instigators. It took two men to hold down Frau and restrain her. I think she kind of liked it too.
As the dust settled, I sat on a bench and waited for my cousins to emerge from the crowd of revellers in the street. Eventually, one by one they came out to join me, shamefaced by their cowardice, leaving me to smacked around in a brawl.
The last person to emerge was Dano, who did not have a scratch on him. He surveyed us with one of his quizzical looks and said '"What?"
I just stared at him in disbelief. He shrugged his shoulders and wandered off towards the Taxi Rank and acted Like Nothing Had Ever Happened.
Crazy Bastard.
User Reviews
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-11-19 09:20:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-11-14 20:57:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pussies
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-22 13:00:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-07-16 12:17:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm stuck trying to invent a plot for my Tom vs. Dano post. Why don't you go first?
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-07-14 18:20:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Tom vs Dano Part Two would rule. You write yours and then I'll write a follow up.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-07-14 16:36:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Hitler moustache bit made me laugh like a retard.
I think it's time for another "Tom vs. Dano" piece. Up in a few days.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-07-14 16:19:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
How I almost read this, almost went to take a piss, & decided that you should pick A title.
Submitted by yoseph (user info) at 2004-07-14 15:51:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I loved it, Thanks for the brightening of my day
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-07-14 15:18:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Submitted by Salmon (user info) at 2004-07-14 03:31:21 (#)
Ranking: -1
I guess it's ok for fiction."
-- Fiction? Come back when you have read the entire series of Dano tales and tell me that.
Submitted by calbearspolo (user info) at 2004-07-14 13:14:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Exactly the kind of story I come to Uber for.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-07-14 13:11:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-07-14 11:54:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep it up.
Submitted by disAbled (user info) at 2004-07-14 11:24:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2004-07-14 11:19:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
KOAA.
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-07-14 11:03:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He gave a german the hail hitler sign. Thats awesome. Hurry up with more stories, dammit.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-07-14 09:52:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dano should have hooked up with Frau.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-14 09:26:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2004-07-14 09:18:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
SLAPPER OF ALL ASS!
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-07-14 09:25:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2004-07-14 09:18:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SLAPPER OF ALL ASS!
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-07-14 07:41:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats some funny fucking shit homes!
Submitted by krytz (user info) at 2004-07-14 04:17:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 just for the title!
Submitted by Salmon (user info) at 2004-07-14 03:31:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I guess it's ok for fiction.
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-07-14 01:55:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay!
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-07-14 01:41:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-07-14 01:17:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ATTN Ghey Germenz.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-07-14 00:56:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-07-14 00:38:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn guys like Dano are just the type you need to have around to inflame a situation that is almost under control into World War Three.
I bet the guy, that shot the guy, that started the whole World War One fiasco has a genetic link down to Dano.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-07-14 00:32:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-07-14 00:23:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
KICKER OF ALL ASS.
God damn these stories are good..
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-07-14 00:12:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn you! Damn you all to hell!
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-07-14 00:10:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. Good as usual Scott. But I'm bored. Get online.