Uber Army (459 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.33 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by bignasty (View user info) at 2004-06-28 13:50:54 EDT
I imagine that everyone at some point in their lives has an experience that from
that point on defines the rest of their life. I would like to share for you my life
defining moment.
Almost exactly two years ago some friends and I decided to go on a nice relaxing float
trip. This trip was to be a bonding time for us and so we took as much liquor and KB
as would fit into the car. Since we were planning on floating in the backwoods country
of Missouri we travelled on mainly single lane swervy highways. This meant that we were
forced to travel as fast as the car in front of us. Of course we could have passed the cars,
but we were all really high and didn't see much of a point. Anyway, while travelling
behind an older model white Celebrity I noticed that the two people in the front seat
were sitting right next to each other, both of themm damn near behind the steering wheel.
The driver was obviously a man, and I can only assume from the long hair that the
passenger was a woman. I noticed that the passenger had her/his arm around the shoulders
of the driver and she/he was constantly blowing and nibbling on the drivers ear. I didn't think much of this until I noticed the passenger's right arm pumping ferociously up and down.
By the way the passenger's body was contorted it was clear that his/her hand was in the drivers lap. This peaked my interest. As the car began to swerve from left to right I concluded that the driver was receiving a handjob. As I pointed this out to my friends the celebrity swerved
into the other lane for a couple seconds and we all assumed that a climax had been reached.
Our assumptions were confirmed when we noticed the man/woman passenger licking the fingers
of her right hand.
I will never know if the impact of this experience was THC induced, but it has fired me up with a passion I have not known since I walked in on my priest with a crucifix up his ass screaming "praise Jesus hallelujah!"
During the shenanigans of the couple in front of us, they tragically ran over a defenseless, slow moving turtle. Turtles are very common on the roads in Missouri, and I was heart broken to see the little reptile shattered into a million bloody pieces. My vision turned red with rage as i imagined the turtle's turtle family and the little turtle children doomed to continue life without their turtle father(although it may very well have been their turtle mother). From that day on I vowed to do something for the poor defenseless turtles.
Here now, is the purpose of my life:
-Through genetic engineering and controlled breeding I will create a race of turtles
with opposable thumbs
-with these thumbs the turtles will be able to hold onto certain weapons, maybe knives,
handguns, god-willing grenades and shurikans
-in order to create a false sense of peace and love I will also train them to pick
sunflowers
-no longer will turtles be associated with the delicious nutty and caramelly candy
Some may wonder why I would do such an abhorrent thing. Allow me to explain:
-with opposable thumbs the turtles will be able to not only give me handjobs, but also pick
me flowers
-nobody will suspect a bunch of turtles when I use them to take over the world
-lastly, I really want a handjob from a turtle(do not underestimate the scales)
P.S. Dr. Seuss knew what I'm talking about.
P.P.S. I will destroy all left wing, liberal, hippie pussies with my turtle army(depending on my mood at the time I may allow the hippies a happy ending). To Hell with Maryland!
User Reviews
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-06-28 20:13:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
Submitted by GodHatesYou (user info) at 2004-06-28 15:04:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
....
Submitted by bignasty (user info) at 2004-06-28 14:38:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Does no one else like turtles as much as I do?
Submitted by StinkyPants (user info) at 2004-06-28 14:24:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
WTF?
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-06-28 14:19:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by drugs (user info) at 2004-06-28 14:06:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i would have given you a +2, but you blacked out and lost my full dugout on that trip, you bastard.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-06-28 14:03:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What the hell? Speaking of drug-induced...
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-28 14:03:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Worth reading. I think.
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-06-28 13:58:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This saved you from a negative.
-in order to create a false sense of peace and love I will also train them to pick
sunflowers
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-06-28 13:54:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
a taste of the surreal.
solid zero.