When Transvestite Prostitutes Attack! (29048 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.2 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Bart Cilfone <uberuser.at.cilfone.com> (View user info) at 2001-08-20 23:14:04 EDT
When I told my friends and family that I was mugged and beaten by a transvestite prostitute, they all expressed great concern. Little do they know how rewarding an experience it can be!
About two weeks ago now, I went to a Cubs game at Wrigley Field with some people from work. After the game (and after a few beers), everyone decided to head home. My comrades all needed to get on a train to go home, but I live less than half a mile from The Friendly Confines, so I decided to walk, and boy oh boy what a decision that was!
The post-game atmosphere in Wrigleyville can be a lot of fun once you are a little drunk, so I decided to soak it in for a little while. Metaphorically similar to giving a runaway truck a boost from behind, I stopped at a couple of local establishments to keep my mental state consistent throughout the night.
As the night led to a close, I decided that I needed one last metaphorical swift kick in the ass. I got more than a metaphor.
I decided to walk PAST the street that leads to my apartment and head to a local club called The Berlin. For those unfamiliar with The Berlin, it is a late late night club that caters to the homosexual / transvestite crowd. For those unfamiliar with me, I fall into neither category.
The club was somewhat dead since it was only midnight and it was Tuesday, so I walked down the street (away from my apartment) to the local Dunkin Donuts. I ordered a chocolate glazed donut and ate in on the way out of the store.
I walked across the street, again away from my apartment, at which time a lovely young lady approached me. She didn't ask for a cigarette or change for the bus, rather she asked if I would like to pay her for sexual favors.
Although I was very flattered, I had to say no. She continued to follow me down the street, so in my not-so-clear state of mind, I decided it would be a good idea to turn down an unfamiliar side street. When she continued to follow, I decided it would be an even better idea to cut through an unfamiliar alley to try to get over to the 24-hour well-lit Walgreens.
This was where it got interesting. Her polite offers suddenly became a bit more aggresive once we entered the alley. I was walking ahead of her at this point and she made some noise that made me turn around. Upon my turn, I received a handful of dirt to the eye and a punch to the left side of my face.
"What the fuck is your problem?" I responded, to which she replied, "Give me my fucking money!" To make her message more clear, her statement was accompanied by a kick to my left leg which dropped me to the ground.
"Give me my fucking money!" she yelled again. Since the experience thus far had been so entertaining for me, I reached into my pocket, pulled out my money clip, and threw my cash onto the asphalt. She picked up the cash, maybe sixty dollars, and ran away, leaving my brand new cell phone, sunglasses, and wallet full of credit cards on my person.
Still drunk, I figured it was about time that I go home and go to sleep. I noticed, however, that I could not actually stand up. "How much did I have to drink?"
I eventually managed to stand on my right leg and lean against a brick wall, supporting myself with my hands. When I tried to take a step with my left leg, intense pain shot through my entire body. "Damn, she kicked me pretty hard," I thought.
After a few attempts at walking and hopping, I decided I would just lie down and sleep in the alley and then try to get home after I sobered up.
That's when the police arrived.
(to be continued...)
User Reviews
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-01-24 20:18:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by prettygirl (user info) at 2005-06-28 03:20:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't believe that you don't "fall into either crowd". I believe that you got your ass kicked, but I also believe that you probably went to that club (more than once) looking for and getting something, and that time, in the alley (where you willingly went with the tranny) you got a little more than you bargained for.
Cheers for being on the down low AND in denial about it!
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2004-10-23 22:31:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, they get bitchy when they want something.
Would've been +1, but I don't like it when people don't finish their stories.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-12 01:58:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-08-03 15:56:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where's the rest?
Submitted by Notabitchlikeu <blah.at.blah.com> at 2003-12-19 18:16:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude, if you weren't such a little bitch that fuckin tranny wouldn't have knocked you around like a screen door in a hurricane. Bottom line - Both of you are bitches.
Submitted by jodmyster (user info) at 2003-10-09 11:34:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
2 years on and still no damn conclusion
Submitted by SoCalCasinova (user info) at 2003-09-10 21:54:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You can do better Bart....
Submitted by Blitzen (user info) at 2003-09-02 22:30:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant
can't wait for the continuation
Submitted by Chad_Sexington (user info) at 2003-08-09 00:04:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't wait for the thrilling conclusion!
Submitted by hockyman (user info) at 2003-07-09 22:04:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fuckin liar
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2003-07-07 06:38:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is some fucked up shit!!! no i must wait for the conclusion.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-07-01 01:34:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-07-01 01:34:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-07-01 01:34:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-07-01 01:34:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-07-01 01:34:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Malus <Malus9804.at.yahoo.com> at 2003-06-24 00:58:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're all wrong!!! (well, except the one guy who was right). Homer did say "crazy like a fox" in some entirely different episode.
Submitted by Cymensen (user info) at 2003-06-18 01:43:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol, random greatness
Submitted by lananial (user info) at 2003-06-07 07:09:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha. i'll kick the shit out of every trannie i see from now on just in
case.
Submitted by Bono <no> at 2003-02-10 21:12:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You're both wrong in regards to the Simpsons quote.
It is said during the Lemon Tree episode when the Springfield Gang confronts the Shelbyville Gang.
The Impound Lot dad says, "Bust in here and take it, you must be stupider than you look!"
to which Homer replies," StupidER like a fox!" he then tries to climb the bars and falls on his ass doing so.
There you go,
I did that all from memory and it's still ten times better than the both of you put together.
eat it.
VAMMMOOOOOSSSSSSSSE!!!!
Submitted by nick <hugeballz.at.bitchsville.ca> at 2002-11-09 17:33:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny story, but my comment is to the "chris" who posted on this.
don't be correcting people's simpsons quotes if you don't know what you are talking about...
Homer didn't say he was "crazy like a fox" he said he was "stupid like a fox"...
Submitted by SeK (user info) at 2002-10-28 03:34:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
dude ... just be happy she kicked your left leg and not your left nut
Submitted by poodz (user info) at 2002-07-17 08:40:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
unbelievable but very funny, cant wait for part 2
Submitted by billybob <tkob85.at.hotmail.com> at 2002-02-10 23:06:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Oh, come-on Bart; I'm not saying that your tale is improbable but...
Submitted by Joe Kefer at 2002-01-25 18:56:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always thought that you made that story up to get attention.
Well fine. I'm paying attention to you now Bart. See? SEE??
Submitted by chris at 2002-01-10 14:16:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
that is not a legitimate quote at the bottom of the page.
it really went something like this
Man: You're crazy!
HOMER: Crazy like a fox.
so there ya go
Submitted by Nayra (user info) at 2001-11-15 02:00:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Bart!
Are you ever getting to Part II?
Submitted by laeticia <angeleyed14u.at.aol.com> at 2001-09-28 16:54:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHA!!!!
I'm sorry, but it's crazy and sad and hillarious all at the same time!! I'll make sure I stay away from Berlin and that Dunkin Doughnuts next time I'm around Belmont and Halstead. LOL :-) I'll have to show this to my gay friends who go there all the time....
Submitted by Random Joe at 2001-09-19 14:52:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ryandonovan (user info) at 2001-09-04 10:47:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff. I was feeling bad about myself, but now I feel a whole lot better.
Especially liked the intense imagery, like "Metaphorically similar to giving a runaway truck a boost from behind". Who knew a cripple could produce such prose?
Submitted by Tiger15 <jean15paul.at.hotmail.com> at 2001-08-25 02:19:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT???????????
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2001-08-22 14:03:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's funny because it's true.