Winking: A Tutorial (2452 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialLabels: uberbook
Rating: 1.83 on 87 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by polyamorousaj <ajcassidy221.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-03-30 22:19:24 EST
I was at work the other day, when I noticed a couple looking around in one of the greenhouses. They walked past me and I gave the obligatory company smile (which usually makes me look like my head's a giant zit, and I'm trying to push the head out through my lips), and asked if there was anything I could help them with. They said no, and moved on their way; but before they did, the husband did something weird... he winked at me. Why did he wink at me? What the hell? Do I smell good today? I racked my brain trying to think of the situations in which it is okay to wink.
1. When you're old... Old people can get away with winking, it's as if they're saying, "You know the score, Mac." Besides, who's going to yell at an old person for winking? At least it shows that they're still alive; unless they start clutching their chests, in which case you need to stop laughing at them and call 911.
2. When you're hiding something... This type of wink is usually exchanged when there is an inside joke or a secret that someone else doesn't know about. It's a "shhhh" wink. People who use wink number two cannot be trusted. For instance, Hitler was a #2 winker. "Russia, we should sign a non-aggression treaty. <wink, wink>." #2 winkers cannot be trusted.
3. When you're trying to be seductive/sexy... This wink is the one you see in movies all the time. I've never seen it work, though. I once tried it myself on a date just to see if the wink was an effective flirting mechanism...
Date: What should we do next? I don't want to end the date, yet.
Me: Oh, I know something we could do, <wink, wink.>
Hours seemed to go by in the next few seconds.
Brain: ..... She didn't see the wink, man! Do it again!
This time I winked with emphasis, making sure that she would see me do it. I winked so hard that people three tables over stopped eating to try and see where the noise was coming for.
Date: Are you okay? Do you need some saline solution?
Me: No... just something caught in my chest...
Wink #3 is bullshit. Fuck you, Brain.
Brain: It's not my fault you suck, asshole. Oh, by the way, you have an aneurysm... what now? Pussy.
4. When you are Popeye... Popeye is the only one in history who has ever been able to pull off a wink in any situation without looking like a fucking moron. Popeye is the winking pimp.
These were the only four situations I found winking to be acceptable. It's just unnatural. I try to avoid doing it because it takes more effort than it's worth. If you want to acknowledge something without saying anything, just nod or salute or something. Winking makes you look suspicious. If you see someone wink, you should stab them in the eye. The next time they feel the urge to wink they'll think twice. Of course, after you stab them they will only be able to use one eye anyway, so it's a Catch-22. Winking: Just Don't Do It.
User Reviews
Submitted by EkO (user info) at 2008-01-04 13:59:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
kyoto!
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-02-10 09:18:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
a man once winked at me whilst in some public toilets.
i think i know what he wanted...
to give me the GayAids
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2005-02-10 09:05:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MisterOCD (user info) at 2005-02-10 08:21:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-01-12 04:09:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thank god i'm not the only one who admires this man
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-11-22 09:34:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahahhaha... had to laugh, this was awesome
Submitted by MoonStone (user info) at 2004-10-23 18:54:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by HawkeyesTheGAME (user info) at 2004-10-23 18:48:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by eIectrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-23 18:41:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I will not do that thing with my tongue.
Submitted by RolusD (user info) at 2004-09-28 21:22:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I burst out laughing at this: Date: Are you okay? Do you need some saline solution?
Me: No... just something caught in my chest...
Wink #3 is bullshit. Fuck you, Brain.
Brain: It's not my fault you suck, asshole. Oh, by the way, you have an aneurysm... what now? Pussy.
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-08-28 00:52:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Popeye is my idol
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2004-08-27 22:04:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
yep, winking is sinister. ;)
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-08-27 19:36:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
20 hits, me love you long time!
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-08-27 18:39:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Popeye is the winking pimp."
hitwhore?
linkwhore?
...whore. yep. whore.
Submitted by Cymak (user info) at 2004-08-27 17:49:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Wink #3 is bullshit. Fuck you, Brain.
Brain: It's not my fault you suck, asshole. Oh, by the way, you have an aneurysm... what now? Pussy."
Worth a +2 for this part alone.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-08-27 15:36:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-08-27 15:29:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AJ, this post rocked.
Submitted by retarded_ape123 (user info) at 2004-08-27 15:16:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe your date was retarded?
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-27 14:44:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
#2 winkers cannot be trusted.
Whore
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-08-27 13:01:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-08-27 12:54:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like it.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-08-27 12:35:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I had to put this up because my post today knocks it to the second page of my user info.
*sniff*
If it weren't for all those SPTs and controversial posts.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-08-27 12:27:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
back from the ashes...this isa great post.
Submitted by SlowBrains (user info) at 2004-08-27 12:17:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, wink #3 sux a nut. I tried it once and just got laughed at. *Sigh*...
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-08-27 12:12:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-08-27 12:03:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-08-27 11:57:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a fucking whore.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-08-27 11:57:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a fucking whore.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-08-26 18:50:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by cadchick (user info) at 2004-08-26 18:39:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can only wink my left eye... for some odd reason my right one is not functional.
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-08-26 18:22:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-08-26 18:19:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was right. It sucked.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-08-26 18:13:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I know what you mean. I went to school with a girl who would always wiggle her nose, shut her eyes, and shake her head real quick. The damndest thing was that she claimed she didn't do it. It was crazy.
Submitted by Dino (user info) at 2004-08-26 18:07:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I worked with this girl that was a chronic winker. Weirded me out sometimes cause she's freaky lookin'. Flipped out one day and harshly yelled at her for it. Come to find out she didn't know she was doin' it. Sub-consious thing I guess (so she says). Either that or she's a psycho. Any way it has to be some sort of mental condition.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-08-26 18:07:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
These were the only four situations I found wanking to be acceptable. It's just unnatural. I try to avoid doing it because it takes more effort than it's worth. If you want to acknowledge something without saying anything, just nod or salute or something. wanking makes you look suspicious. If you see someone wank, you should stab them in the eye. The next time they feel the urge to wank they'll think twice. Of course, after you stab them they will only be able to use one eye anyway, so it's a Catch-22. Wanking: Just Don't Do It.
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2004-08-26 17:57:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You want something even funnier? Read the post again, and replace and instances of "wink" with "wank."
You get two funny posts for the price of one that way!
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-08-26 17:54:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Popeye.
Submitted by onejupiter (user info) at 2004-08-26 17:47:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*wink*
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-05-25 23:01:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
..... 50!
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-05-25 22:48:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesometaculastic.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-04-16 01:28:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My name is Bargled, and I approve this post.
Submitted by krootons (user info) at 2004-04-04 11:17:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehe awesome.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-03-31 23:58:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-03-31 20:08:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-03-31 13:33:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
I wink... and it works. More often than blinking, I do a double eyebrow raise real quick.
________________________________________________________________________________________________
I do that, but my eyebrows are kind of blended together so it looks like one big one.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-03-31 17:56:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hahaha.
I think a lot of people wink at other on purpose, just to make them feel weird.
It's like they're letting you in on a secret, but you have no idea what it is.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-03-31 13:33:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wink... and it works. More often than blinking, I do a double eyebrow raise real quick.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-03-31 11:23:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-03-31 10:27:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't wink, but I can do a mean blink!
________________________________________________________________
If you can blink like I Dream of Jeanie that would be hot.
Submitted by markthyme (user info) at 2004-03-31 11:14:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Winks are a dead give away to your under handed tactics.... not cool.
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2004-03-31 10:56:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-03-31 10:52:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"If you see someone wink, you should stab them in the eye."
duely noted.
Submitted by K.M (user info) at 2004-03-31 10:38:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-03-31 10:30:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and another for good measure.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-03-31 10:27:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't wink, but I can do a mean blink!
Nice post, AJ.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-03-31 10:21:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I suppose wink #3 would work for girls, but only because all girls have to do to get laid is ask. I don't know if it would work for lesbians, though...
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-03-31 10:21:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent, my son.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-03-31 10:16:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Does this count for girls? I once got a date purely on the finesse of my winking skills (which I didn't know I had until that very moment).
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2004-03-31 09:55:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Popeye is the winking pimp."
For whatever reason, that was funny as hell.
Submitted by BleedTheSky (user info) at 2004-03-31 09:47:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not flipping out on old people is a sign of weakness.
Submitted by deano (user info) at 2004-03-31 09:22:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahahahah
"This time I winked with emphasis, making sure that she would see me do it. I winked so hard that people three tables over stopped eating to try and see where the noise was coming for. "
Fucking brilliant
Submitted by hendrixjrr (user info) at 2004-03-31 09:20:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The message was clear, "We're on the same level" is what their winks said to me."
HAHA! I've been there on that one.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-03-31 08:48:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
HotCarl is shitfuck, isn't it, Bart? I hate that asshole, -2s all my stuff.
Submitted by Red_Pants (user info) at 2004-03-31 00:37:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Go ask eBay I want ray to ray. From with the him to mine, all this makes for happy days. Speaking in happy days, have you seen it? This station makes think me of good women. I speak about type of woman who would like to assemble in top your cock and of hop on him jock and to form with Fucking, until the sun comes in top. Who is interested in the sun? I would like to form the loves of all the night breasts and a long time, until the moon comes in top. You precisely do not draw too strongly my network from hair.
Submitted by Lucifer_Industries (user info) at 2004-03-31 00:20:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, Hot Carl just knocked this off the best rated ever list. Sorry poly.
Malone
Submitted by HotCarI (user info) at 2004-03-31 00:04:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
this is dumb.
also i like fucking fat ugly men with no eyebrows or really hairy unibrows
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-03-30 23:57:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
30 days until the facial hair is back.
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-03-30 23:50:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You bastard. I would be soo pissed at you if I could only stop smiling.
Submitted by DlESEL (user info) at 2004-03-30 23:41:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for clearing that up.
I usually wink at ugly girls and underage girls, there's just some unexplainable satisfaction that comes with it when they blush and try to talk to you, thinking they have some remote chance.
Ofcourse this usually followed with the "wtf you looking at" stare to gently shoot them down.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-03-30 23:36:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
..wink
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-03-30 23:33:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good, good post, but alas, not BAW worthy.
Actually, this is better than half the shit on BAW, so who knows?
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-03-30 23:28:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are one hot piece of ass, AJ. <wink, wink>
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-03-30 23:23:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
..or am I?
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-03-30 23:23:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, shit. I gave poly more than 1 +2. I'm not sucking his dick!
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-03-30 23:22:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<wink>
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-03-30 23:22:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Winking to girls has been my main factor for getting dates. Hell, where I work at now I've managed to score three dates this week all because I winked.
I fuckin' rock.
Mac, you wanna find me? Tip #2. The place I work at is in Travelers Rest.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-03-30 23:21:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
popeye, just another unsung badass.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-03-30 23:18:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, man... ever see some of the old Popeye stuff? He kind of talks to himself non-stop, even when he's alone... it's always mumbled underneath his breath, but he's there, talking, talking, talking. Shut up, Popeye. Shut up!
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2004-03-30 23:11:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Popeye rules.
--HeimdallsMan
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-03-30 23:10:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude! Well thought out. Laid out nice. Interesting read all the way through! you made me care about winking! bravo!
I second b@W!
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-03-30 23:04:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahem... "Boy, this is Bored at Work material!"
heh
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-03-30 22:57:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha! I laughed my ass off at this because I often wink when I'm feeling to lazy to say something. Plus, its a good way of getting gay guys to buy you drinks when you work behind a bar.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-03-30 22:54:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DraconianKing (user info) at 2004-03-30 22:43:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't wink, seriously, I can't. I just close both eyes.
Submitted by triliad (user info) at 2004-03-30 22:36:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's awesome. +2 for you.
Submitted by Kimba (user info) at 2004-03-30 22:29:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-03-30 22:23:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-03-30 22:22:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just...smile normal!
Submitted by Lucifer_Industries (user info) at 2004-03-30 22:22:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Business and Financial, that's awesome. Yeah the wink can be a bit uncomfortable if not done right. I've got a few winks by old guys at my job or what-have-you over the years and a few of them were well placed. The message was clear, "We're on the same level" is what their winks said to me.
Malone
Lucifer Industries LLC
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-03-30 22:21:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment