A public service announcement....without guitar: Standardized Headlight Warnings. (2592 hits)
Category: Politics -> LibertariansRating: 0.85 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jonukah<jonukah.at.aol.com> (View user info) at 2004-03-25 01:22:22 EST
Standardization improves efficiency and normalize output. Some standards benefit society, and other standards stifle free will and variety. The good far outweigh the bad, and here are some examples:
-Standardized rails for locomotives
-Standardized computer operating systems
-Traffic signs and signals
-Subway food (yum)
-Catholic school girl outfits (yummier)
-Dr. Pepper (Now I'm getting hot)
-Dolph Lungren movies (Never impressed....never disappointed)
Actually, that last line, "Never impressed....never disappointed) can well describe most such standards. These are the Recees Peanut Butter Cups in your box of chocolate. You pick up an oblong chocolate you think is caramel, and it turns out to be coconut. There's a round one that looks like it is solid dark chocolate, and it is filled with raspberry. You think you're safe picking up that square one in the corner, but it turns out to be peanut, and you just now find out your allergic to peanuts, so you kick off and die. Such is life. A recees peanut butter cup, however, is ALWAYS a Recees peanut butter cup.
What is my point? Where the hell am I going with this now that I've made you terribly hungry for sweets? Well, I'll just cut to the custard-filled chase.
A standard SOO simple yet SOO revolutionary it boggles the mind that it has yet to be done:
Standardized headlight warnings.
Picture this: You're driving down a side road in the evening in your brand new car just five miles from home, and a car passes you and flashes its headlights at you. You assume, "Oh I guess my high beams are on." You take your eyes off the road for a second to look at the not-yet familiar dash, and when you look up to check the road, you see a county officer in the middle of your lane waving his hands, a radar tightly held in his right. You slam on your brakes and skid to a stop two feet in front of the officer.
4 points for speeding, 8 points for reckless driving.
This happened to a very good friend of mine within two months of getting his license. What could have prevented this tragedy?
Standardized headlight warnings.
Second scenario: Reverse the assumption and the reality. Replace assumed high-bream warning with assumed speed trap, and replace actual speed trap with having your high-beams on. The result?: Driving 25 mph when you're late to the latest Star Wars movie, all the while pissing off every driver in the county with your ungodly bright high beams. The solution?
Standardized headlight warnings.
Now replace high-beam violation with deer in the road. Replace deer in the road with pyscho killer with a big fucking knife in the back seat. Replace all-to-played urban myth with a T-Rex running after you while Jeff Goldbloom is laying on your stick, leaving you stuck in third gear. Replace wimpy scavenger-long-thought-to-be-ferocious-predator-with-laughably-stunted-arms and stupid-actor-who-somehow-gets-casted-in-intelligent roles with "THE BRIDGE IS OUT" because Schwartzenegger called a strike team to take out an incoming nuclear weapon headed for San Fransisco, and you have a completely different bag of worms.
Each of these scenarios requires different reactions, but with ambiguous warnings from oncoming traffic, what decision should you make? Pull the parking brake? Speed up? Press the red button even though you've been told never to press the red button? Elbow the malfunctioning flux-capacitor behind you as you creep up to 85? Urge the badass muthufucker behind you to take the wheel while you lean out of your window to shoot the car behind you?
With all of this anarchy, uncertainty, and mumbo-jumbo, we can make three conclusions:
1. I watch waaaay to many fucking movies
2. I'm becoming very long-winded in my insanity
3. We need to standardize headlight warnings for the good of all people.
Convinced?
No? Fine. Be that way. Go do your own thing, while the rest of us COOOL people cleverly avoid speed traps.
Yes? Then read on my child, and see the light!
Now this only preliminary, but I have provided some standards that cover the basics. Assuming you are the good driver, the following are acceptable headlight warnings.
******************************************************************
1. Single short pulse. (Quick on-off flicker.)
This is very often used in haste, but because this is too easily done accidently and results in unnecessary abidance with the speed limit, the single flicker should be eliminated and ignored as a warning.
2. Single long pulse, or on until noticed
This should be the standard for someone having their high-beams on with oncoming traffic. Respond to high-beam violation by putting your high beams on until they figure it out.
3. Reverse short pulse (quick off-on flicker)
This should be used at night when someone doesn't have ANY headlights on. This, of course, is assuming that you have YOUR headlights on to start off with, or things get confusing.
4. Double quick pulse
Perhaps the most useful, I think this should be the standard warning for speed trap. Uh....I mean.....hazardous road condition requiring deceleration for safety. (Not that anyone cares, but I believe the former is actually illegal in some states. Not that it stops anybody, either.
5. Double quick pulse accompanied with horn
This should be used with real imminent danger, like "THE BRIDGE IS OUT," oncoming avalanche, incoming sasquatch, etc.
5. Emergency brake test, immediate U-turn, and tailgating with your high-beams on
This should ONLY be used if you are warning someone of a serial killer brandishing a weapon in someone's back seat, OR if you are in a gang and this is required for initiation. This is the only warning I can think of to get someone to speed up.
For the bad drivers and illiterate fucks, I will list again in reverse in simplified format:
Violation / Warning
_________________
High-beams are on = Long pulse (On..............off)
Headlights are off = Reverse pulse (off-on)
Speed trap = Double quick pulse (On-off-on-off)
Imminent danger = Double quick pulse w/ accompanied horn
Hannibal in your back seat = Tailgating with high beams on or gang initiation
****************************************************************************
The one thing I haven't really figured out it how to let people know how FAR the hazard is down the road. If you pass a speed trap, and see someone five miles later, should we have a signal for that or hope that they pass someone closer to the hazard that is nice enough to warn them? Let me know if you have any ideas.
I don't care if the warnings are changed. I just want a standard. A standard that is passed down from generation to generation until we no longer need cars because of up new teleportation or other transportation devices.
Until then, drive safe and wear your seatbelts.
Unless you are receiving road head. Then, anything goes.
BTW, a blowjob to the first person who recognizes the song referenced in the title.
User Reviews
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-03-25 17:36:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This is a public service announcement this is only a test
emergency evacuation protest
may impair your ability to operate machinery
cant quite tell just what it means to me
keep out of reach of children dont you talk to strangers
get your philosophy from a bumper sticker
warning live without warning
say warning live without warning
without, alright
mental homes and safety cell communities
did you remember to pay the utility
caution police line you'd better not cross
is the cop or am I the one thats really dangerous
Sanitation expiration date question everything
Or shut up and be a victim of authority
warning live without warning
say warning live without warning
say warning live without warning
say warning live without warning
without, alright
mental homes and safety cell communities
did you remember to pay the utility
caution police line you'd better not cross
its a cop or am I the one thats really dangerous
Sanitation expiration date question everything
Or shut up and be a victim of authority
warning live without warning
say warning live without warning
say warning live without warning
say warning live without warning
this is a public service anouncement this is only a test
========================
green day, warning. That's what i got
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2004-03-25 13:00:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you could use your emergency flashers with the headlight flicker to warn about eminent danger, instead of having a headlight morse code.
number of seconds your hazard lights are on = number of meters to imanent danger
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-03-25 11:00:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ricevillain wins! Payoff pending....
Submitted by RideJohnnyRide (user info) at 2004-03-25 10:52:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Clash, Know Your Rights
+2
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2004-03-25 06:50:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I always warn people of speed traps with the double pulse. Is Paul Westerberg the singer we are talking about here?
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-03-25 06:04:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I succintly concur, or whaevever that means.
Submitted by ricevillain (user info) at 2004-03-25 05:48:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
#1: you have the right not to be killed, murder is a crime.... unless it is done by a policeman or an aristocrat
+1 for clash reference and prospect of fellatio
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-03-25 05:26:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh....
Submitted by drky (user info) at 2004-03-25 04:49:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice.
To let people know the distance to the hazard, you could have some kind of: turn your hazard lights on, one flash per estimated 100 metres, type thing, going on?
As for the song reference, perhaps real slim shady, eminem.
Submitted by danifestmestiny (user info) at 2004-03-25 03:13:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Not your best work. About the song, this is a stretch but since I just listened to the song I'll guess "Public Service Annoucement" by JayZ.
Submitted by OutLaw (user info) at 2004-03-25 02:17:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My head hurts. Driving is confusing. I'm gonna go masturbate...
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-03-25 02:15:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh...
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-03-25 01:54:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Why can't we just all re-learn Morse Code?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-03-25 01:51:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
long
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-03-25 01:43:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ouch. Didn't know I've been that off. I need a muse.
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-03-25 01:33:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Jonukah why are your posts so long and boring?
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-03-25 01:31:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Trash.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-03-25 01:24:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF... +2.