Why Television and computers have ruined my sex drive (My very first NSFW!) (5935 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.33 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jonukah<jonukah.at.aol.com> (View user info) at 2004-03-22 21:55:42 EST
"Hmmm...what's on the tube?
<click>
Oh good! Fear factor. The testosterone level is so great on this show, I can taste it. Oh wait, that is just some of Razor's meat from last night stuck between my teeth.
No, that is NOT what I meant. Firefly cooked some steak. And I ate it. Move on, perverts.
Lets size up these fear factor contestants. Damn, that second contestant puts me to shame. What a beast. Not quite national-level bodybuilder, but close. He is one hunk of a......wait a tic.....that is a woman. A woman with biceps the size of my head. Whatever, I'll just ignore her. Let us see what the contest is. Hmmmm......They have to run over to this car.......pick up the massacre of dead insects on the windshield.....with their mouths........and spit them into a bucket twenty feet away. Yum. Oh great. She-hulk goes first. She is HOOVERING that windshield. Eat those bugs, bitch. Spit them out. Rub those fake tits against that windshield, oh yeah. Man.....I'm starting to feel like Dr. Evil on the possessed spinning chair.
Thank God for remote controls and free will.
<click>
Oh good. Discovery channel. Edumacational stuff.
"We will then suture the remaining pieces of the........"
Gastric. Bypass. Surgery. Yum. I love watching surgery. It is like watching a butcher at a butchery.....but with people. You know what? Before picture: fine. After picture: wonderful. I don't want to see everything in between. I really don't. And you know what? I don't have to.
<click>
"....when your period is really heavy"
<click>
"9/11. Terrorists. 9/11. Terrorists. Get this pull-string toy Bush for only nineteen nin-"
<click>
"Fuck me...bitch"
"Just like all the others......Just like aaaaalllll the oooooothers....ahhhhhhh"
<click>
".....re you finding that you know longer enjoying things you love? Do you have loss of sex drive? If so, you may be suffering from depression. Blah blah blah. Something pill may be the answer. Side effects may include, but are not limited to: Diarrhea, nausea, uncontrollable bleeding, rashes, suicide, narcolepsy, bad breath, lupis, inexplicable fluid discharge from any or all orifices, loss of sex drive, depression, boils, and spontaneous combustion."
<click>
Pika-
<click>
chu
<click> <click> <click>
"¿Ha perdido su apetito sexual? "
<click>
Oh good....monster garage. Real manly show...........
Don't understand a damn thing they're saying.
<click>
Fuck it. I'll just post a rant on uber.
BREEEEEEEEE--------BAAAAAAAAA-------RREAINREAIRNAENRAEIRAEIRNAEI----KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK------HHHHHHHHHHHHH..........."Welcome......You've got mail"
Jesus, I hate dial-up modems. And AOL. I really need to replace those aol sounds with Strong Bad quotes.
New: You have 51 new messages.
03/20/04....Unknownsender......Have you lost your sex drive
03/20/04....Unknownsender......ENLARGE YOUR PENIS
03/20/04....Unknownsender......Keep her cuming back for more with....YUMMY CUM!
03/20/04....Unknownsender......Muscle man in the gym...minute man in the bedroom?
03/20/04....Unknownsender......ENLARGE YOUR PENIS
03/20/04....Unknownsender......choose viagra
03/20/04....Unknownsender......Improve your sex life with an all natural HIGH!
03/20/04....Unknownsender......Increase your girth
You know what? If I ever find this Unknownsender guy....I'm gonna give him a swift kick in the nuts and ask how they taste. Fix that with a pill, beeeeeeotch! I'll give him a what's for!.......
....right after I write down all of these 800 numbers and check my credit limit.
Just kidding. I can't afford that crap. Not when I'm saving up for an asian beauty at www.realdoll.com
In all honesty (Just for you, Loren), if I had money to throw around, I would get one of these things as a conversation piece. I think it would really spruce up the living room.
Seriously, though, would you consider it cheating if you walked in on your lover getting it on with a hyper-realistic doll with articulating hands? ARTICULATING HANDS! Would you dump them? Would you turn around and walk the other way? Would you join in?
<Discuss>
Enclosed is a picture of my future investment. Mai is my favorite. The other ones are scary looking. What do you think? Is she a keeper?
User Reviews
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-08-20 18:55:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy God what gets dredged up around here.
I should show this to your new squeeze.
Submitted by metalbeast7 (user info) at 2008-08-20 18:26:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
definitely a keeper
Submitted by Small_Children_Scare_Me (user info) at 2004-10-10 23:39:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love watching surgery. It is like watching a butcher at a butchery.....but with people.
-----------
Love it
Submitted by HatMan (user info) at 2004-05-06 07:24:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I usually won't admit these sorts of things, but I completely agreed with everything you posted.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-04-17 21:54:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm speechless, I think.
That was a lot to process all at once.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-04-09 16:27:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
errrr......
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-04-09 16:27:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
<click>
Pika-
<click>
chu
<click> <click> <click>
+2 all the way
Submitted by bob dole <still at work> at 2004-04-04 03:37:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
post is funny, in a 3am sorta way...
but damnit, you guys bummed out Yes! I read the post, and was just waiting for the "i'd do it, in the pooper!"...
scrolling through the replies, searching, ah! at last, a reply from Yes- but to my dismay, what do i find?
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Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-03-22 23:38:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
.... can't even utter my own catch-phrase... meh, its stale, I just hope someone, somewhere is getting a laff at talking about doing something in the pooper... that's all i really wanted out of life.
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i dont count for much, but i got a laff, many a times.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2004-03-30 19:43:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jon, you don't need a realdoll...
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-03-23 19:40:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know, I thought this was funny.
That doll is creepy. Not as creepy as one of those evil porcelain devil-dolls, but close.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-03-23 13:52:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not Safe For Work
Submitted by NirVanna at 2004-03-23 13:45:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Great reading. Especially as I sit here rotting in my office chair.
Newbie here...what's NSFW mean?
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-03-23 11:16:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by alchemist (user info) at 2004-03-23 10:11:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hell, +2 just for the link.
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-03-23 09:56:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2004-03-23 09:43:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2004-03-23 08:14:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it just me or do some of the real dolls look like real people, just dead?
Not that Ive ever spent any time staring at the real dolls or anything like that...
Its so lonely at night... I need companionship... Real doll, where art for thou real doll?
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-03-23 05:51:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"mommy why does the shower water smell funny"?
Submitted by esso_merda (user info) at 2004-03-23 02:55:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Guess I'm too drunk to get it.
Although, I did like the action figure. My girlfriend might not let me play with that one.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-03-23 00:38:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-03-23 00:25:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"¿Ha perdido su apetito sexual? "
Have you lost your sexual appetite?
Submitted by GrizzlyHunter62 (user info) at 2004-03-22 23:53:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This was okay I guess.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-03-22 23:38:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
.... can't even utter my own catch-phrase... meh, its stale, I just hope someone, somewhere is getting a laff at talking about doing something in the pooper... that's all i really wanted out of life.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-03-22 23:34:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I've seen a 2 year old write better than this, on a more original subject, and include a better picture (granted it's a 150 pound piece of latex...)
I'm with bigmike on this one.
Submitted by K.M (user info) at 2004-03-22 23:30:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-03-22 22:46:07 (#)
Ranking: -1
It's amazing the ratings you get with this garbage.
I am not trying to be rude here. Really I'm not. Some of my posts are garbage too.
This was neither funny nor interesting."
That was hilarious.
Submitted by Ego-21 (user info) at 2004-03-22 23:21:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Bravo and well written, fuck television, fuck AOL, and...yeah...fuck the doll hehe
Submitted by Melany (user info) at 2004-03-22 23:16:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-03-22 22:46:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
It's amazing the ratings you get with this garbage.
I am not trying to be rude here. Really I'm not. Some of my posts are garbage too.
This was neither funny nor interesting.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-03-22 22:39:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Probably lucky for you that you got the daemon.
The fucking unsubscribe just causes your email to be disseminated to a whole lot more services.
Submitted by Supremebeing (user info) at 2004-03-22 22:27:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Those dolls are cool. The price isn't though. Tried clicking on one of the unknown sender unsubscribe links once and it pulled up my email program to send them an email so of course I typed in something rude and obscene and clicked send. MailerDameon was the next email I got. DAMN THEM!
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2004-03-22 22:20:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can you do those dolls in the pooper?
Actually I guess they would have to be built for it, if you are having sex with dolls, then anal sex must be pretty standard.
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-03-22 22:09:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I just did a search to see if any other posts were made about real dolls.
I found one
Written six days ago.
Curses.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-03-22 22:07:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Id do her.....
.....you know the drill
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-03-22 22:07:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahahaha...I have been thinking about a post about these bloody spam emails for sometime. I liked your tie in with the TV thing. May still do that post though just not ready for it yet.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-03-22 22:06:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-03-22 22:06:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah, but just how apposable are her thumbs, and does she come with the plant?
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-03-22 22:00:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If she didn't look 13...