Standing in the rain without my hat, Obi-Wan Kanoobi, and other nonsense (2917 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.88 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jonukah<jonukah.at.aol.com> (View user info) at 2004-03-09 00:10:14 EST
Sunday night I was leaving a hospital from visiting my grandfather, when I decided to stop by Razor's apartment. It was on the way home, and I had left my hat there the day before. (I can't live without that hat) I was going to call ahead, but I didn't have my cell phone on me. My phone had died earlier that day, so I borrowed my dads while mine was charging.
That is the one thing I hate about cell phones. I don't remember anyone's freakin number anymore. My cell phone is my phone book. And my phone book was dead.
I arrived at Razor's apartment complex around nine or so. He is up on the third level, and I could see his roommate playing Ever-crack from the parking lot. I walked up the stairs to the door of his building.
<Try to open the door>
BRAIN: DAMN! Locked.
ME: No problem. I'll just ring the doorbell.
BRAIN: Fuck. Broken.
ME: Okay...I guess I'll just call him and tell him I'm here.
BRAIN: Fuck! What is his number?......................?
(Did I mention it was raining?)
ME: Damnit, I'm not leaving here without my damn hat! I'll just wait until he goes out on the balcony for a smoke break.
BRAIN: FUCK! He quit smoking! Jesus H. Christ. The only damn day I EVER want Jeremy to smoke a cigarette, and he quit smoking. Great. Just great. Maybe if I go back to my car and start flashing my headlights, they'll look at the window.
ME: "MARSHAAAAAL! MARSHAAALL! PEEL YOUR EYES AWAY FROM EVERQUEST FOR ONE DAMN SECOND AND LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!!!
BRAIN: Ah. No use. It is like trying to tear IndianOcean away from the Hooters girls.
BRAIN: Okay, Jonukah. THINK! You're intelligent.....sometimes. Think. What would Ash do? Mmmm.....Campbell soooooup. Nice and chunky. DAMNIT, JON! Stop fantasizing and focus!
BRAIN: And where the fuck is COMPUTER?
******************************************************************************
COMPUTER: UP UP DOWN DOWN LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT A B A B SELECT START! DAMNIT! NOT QUICK ENOUGH! UP UP DOWN DOWN LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT B A B A SELECT START! FUUUCK! WHY ISN'T WORKING? DAMN YOU CONTRA! YOU DIE! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!
******************************************************************************
BRAIN: Great. Just great. That is the last time I smoke a bowl and take you to Funco land. Jeremy has my hat. The door is locked. The doorbell is broken. They can't see me. They can't hear me. I don't remember his cell phone number. And I'm standing in the rain without my hat. Damn.
BRAIN: AHA! I'll call SiliconJesus. He knows Razor's cell phone.
........
BRAIN: What is his phone number? Ah SHADOW knows it! And I don't know her number, but Jenny does!
<calls Jenny>
BRAIN: DAMN! No answer. I KNOW! I'll call someone with an internet connection, have them sign on to AIM as Jonukah and IM Jeremy to let me the fuck in. I'll just call..........DAMN. Do I have anyone's number memorized?
COMPUTER: ::JONUKAH'S NUMBER IS THE ONLY NUMBER ON FILE::
BRAIN: Yeah. Thanks, smart guy. I'll just call myself and ask for Jeremy's number. Idiot
COMPUTER: :::THE DASH PUPPIES! USE THE DASH PUPPIES::
BRAIN: The dash puppies? OH! The DASH PUPPIES!
<I run to my car and grab my three dash puppies: Nipper, Fluffy, and Obi-wan Kanoobi..
BRAIN: Allright, Nipper. You're the mascot for RCA, and RCA reminds me of Sears, and I loathe Sears, so you are going first.
<I crank back and launch Nipper.....right against the window of the apartment below Jeremy's.
BRAIN: Uh.....I think I'm going to run over to the door again...out of sight...just to see if anyone is in the foyer and feels like letting me in.
COMPUTER: GOOD IDEA!
<Ten minutes Later>
BRAIN: Okay, the coast is clear. C'mon fluffy. You're next.
<I launch fluffy as hard as I can.....but fluffy lived up to his name and got caught up in the wind.
ME: Bye bye Fluffy! Say hello to Kirby for me. Don't let him eat you!
BRAIN: Okay. Now it is down to you, and it is down to me. Help me Obi-Wan, you're my only hope.
******************************************************************************
<Back to now. As in NOW now. Like in Spaceballs.....Just watch the fucking movie if you haven't seen it, I'm not going to explain it to you>
COMPUTER: Okay. What the fuck was that? That was the most pitiful fucking plug I've ever seen. I mean, C'mon! How fucking over done is that? The damn dash puppy's name wasn't even Obi-Wan! ITS FUCKING SPIKE! You altered his name to throw in a cheap joke that is obviously contrived and completely predictable. You are so fucking lame. And it happens to be Kenobi, not "Kanoobi" Idiot.
BRAIN: ...............That really hurts, man. I'm trying to write a post here, and you heckle me to fucking death before I even get to finish. You're supposed to be helping, you know.
COMPUTER: You want help? Do something new for once.
BRAIN: What do you mean?
COMPUTER: Stop it with this tired introspective dialogue shit. Everyone is tired of it. You remember Willzone's post: The 2003 Uber User Awards?
BRAIN: Yeah....SPikegoddess said I was the funniest user when "I'm on"
COMPUTER: Exactly. When you're on. Not this tired shit. Now yesterday's post....that was good. That was fresh. Except not. That story was new when you were nine. Now we're 21, and we're still talking about it. We need to start being fucking original. We need to get off this fucking format.
BRAIN: You know what I need? We need to get rid of you.
COMPUTER: Pardon?
BRAIN: Ubersite takes care us now. We don't.....need you....anymore. Go away, and never come back!
COMPUTER: What did you say?
BRAIN: Go away....and never come back!
COMPUTER: No...no...
BRAIN: GO away....and NEVER come BACK!
COMPUTER: GOLLUM! GOLLUM!
BRAIN: GO AWAY.
...AND NEVER COME BACK!
......
<silence>
BRAIN: HUH! We told him to go away....and away he went! Brain is freeeeeeeee!
No more of this introspective dialogue. No more of this tired gag. No more shitty movie spin-offs and shameless plugs.
......um
Starting now
BACK TO THE STORY!
*****************************---------_______Uh....
You know....on second thought....I kinda lost my momentum with the whole thing. How about you decide how it ends. Did Obi-Wan....er Spike make it to Jeremy's window and get his attention? Did I suddenly remember some one's number and call him? Did a neighbor let me in the building? Did Jeremy fall off the wagon and come out for a cigarette? Did I stand out in the rain all night?
You be the judge. The truth is with you. And Jeremy. And Jeremy's cigarettes.
Aw fuck. I did it again. But at least I got my hat back. To his credit, he did quit smoking the day before the shitty day to beat all shitty days. And while I'm on such a roll with him, I think I'll post a flattering picture of him. I LOVE YOU! DON'T BE MAD! I TRIED TO CALL YOU TO LET YOU STOP ME, BUT YOU DIDN'T ANSWER! Oh well. I like it when he spanks me.
User Reviews
Submitted by neeping (user info) at 2004-10-28 03:56:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus two for the cheat code reference because thats a bitch to do, if I could I'd make another +2 for the spaceballs reference but that takes too much effort.
Submitted by Melany (user info) at 2004-03-13 19:11:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehe, shame, I like computer!
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-03-12 15:26:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
aahhahaha, funny, but I have no attention span so it was a little repetitive and I ended up skimming most of it.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-03-12 00:30:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lo fucking l.
But will the computer return some day? i mean, there has to be a sequal at some point? "The Three Towers"? "Return of the Jester"? "The Empire ... um, quitting while i'm ahead.
We will miss the computer. As it dies, the computer in all of us dies with it.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-03-09 17:51:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit I look like the crazy evil toon at the end of Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-03-09 17:39:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
they lock the door outside of the apartment building so if he had knocked it would not have mattered.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-03-09 17:38:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that is the best picture ever.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-03-09 17:36:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-03-09 15:11:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Word up...here's a +2 cause I like you.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-03-09 14:03:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best deserved plus two in a while.
Submitted by theWELLofZION (user info) at 2004-03-09 12:46:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
for mentioning a lot of uber folk and not including me or the 6000 other people.
funny
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2004-03-09 12:06:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I found a used condom on the stoop of my apt. building this morning...
the whole day's going that way
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-03-09 11:30:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-03-09 08:33:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just LOOK at the BONES!
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-03-09 01:11:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You sparked the post.
Submitted by ugaly (user info) at 2004-03-09 00:49:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-03-09 00:19:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Couldn't you have knocked?
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-03-09 00:18:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A pre-post plus two for Razor's best impression of a Ron Jeremy money shot face.
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-03-09 00:17:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jon this was gold. I can live with your extended breaks if you came back strong.
The Computer gone?! Say it aint so.
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-03-09 00:15:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was funny and bizarre. Everquest is addictive. I had to quit video games...seriously. That should be a post...hahhaha
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-03-09 00:13:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I sent this to JMG114 to see if a reasonable person would object to a picture of him like this being posted, and he insisted on touching it up.
I must admit....it looks good.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-03-09 00:12:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is my new wallpaper.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-03-09 00:12:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You crazy son of a gun.