The Beast Within: My first and only ever fist fight (4094 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.71 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jonukah<jonukah.at.aol.com> (View user info) at 2004-03-08 00:09:31 EST
:::LOADING ARCHIVE:::
I was nine years old, and in unfamiliar territory. My family was living at a temporary residence (my uncles) while waiting for our new house to be built. We had been there six months, which was perfect for me.
Long enough for people to get to know me and think that I mildly humorous. Short enough that they didn't get tired of my shit.
I made a few friends. Not the "Lets be blood brothers and friends forever!" sort of friends (Did anyone actually ever do that outside the movies?) Nay, we were the, ""we live next to each other so I might as well hang out with you until my real friends get here."" After all, do you want to ostracize the new kid when you otherwise have only have five people to play three-on-three basketball? Of course not.
There was one kid, however, who I quickly found to be very disturbing. He was the poster child of serial-killer hopefuls. David. Abused by his parents, he enjoyed taking the legs off of grasshoppers, stealing my one-dollar coins, and picking on those weaker than him, including his
younger brother.
So, naturally, I put my hands up where he could see the, backed away slowly, out of his house and hopefully out of his life. But fate had different plans for us.
David didn't take my betrayal very well. He immediately became distant and reclusive. I saw him once in a while with his goons, but I mostly ignored them. I was the Harry to his Draco, only I didn't have a scar on my forehead, nor his bravery and brashness. Actually, I guess I was more like Neville....Oh Fuckall, why am I using Harry Potter references? This is a post about masculinity, god-damnit!
David was the Sabertooth to my Wolverine. Yeah..that's better.....sort of. Ah, fuck, I went from a children's book reference to a comic book reference. I bet you can almost feel my manliness through the computer, it is so palpable, right? I think I'm losing ground here. Oh well. Onward!
So Draco...er...David abused his goons to keep them in check, I kept to myself, and life moved on. He was little more than a bee buzzing around my head, until on day....
I was playing kick ball in the court on my side of the neighborhood. Out of nowhere, David came riding up behind me on his bike. He grabbed my neck, trying to put me down with the Vulcan sleeper hold.
But I am No Vulcan. I am JONUKAH!
As he passed me on the right, I grabbed him by the hair on back of his head and pulled him off his bike and tumbling to the ground. The kids in the court immediately came running and formed a circle yelling, "FIGHT! FIGHT!" David came up quick, eyes ablaze, and threw a right cross. I jerked my head back dodging his punch. I returned with a devastating right hook, only he stumbling backwards, narrowly dodging its fury as he fell to the ground.
Though the red haze of my vision, and the ranks of blood thirsty spectators, I saw an adult, someone's parent, coming running towards us. The crowd followed my gaze, and then quickly dissipated. I made one last piercing glance towards my opponent, and then started my journey home. This fight was over as soon as it started.
My heart was racing, and the blood was pounding in my ears. The rage sickened me, and I swallowed it with a painful gulp. This would be the last time I ever remember being truly angry. I wiped my face with my hand. Blood.
He hit me?
I contemplated this as I walked up the driveway to my house, and then.......
And then.....uh....everything went black. I can't remember. Really. For sure.
I was to learn a week later that David had a dark black eye from our fight. This was a frightening realization. I am a berserker? In my rage, I neither felt the sting of his hand nor my fist against his face? How is this possible? The thought of this monstrous wrath inside me frightened me, and I vowed never to be angry again.
And you thought I was mellow because I smoke pot. HA! Nay, it is to control the beast within for the sake of humanity. Ahem.
******Six years after the fight******
I am talking to my older sister, Tara
Tara: Hey, guess who I ran into the other day?
ME: Who?
Tara: David
<memories flooded through my brain>
ME: Damn. How is the bastard?
Tara: He is in an open door facility.
ME: Doesn't surprise me. Do you remember that fight we had, way back when?
Tara: Of course. I have to look out for my little brother.
ME: I never got to see that black eye I gave him. I just heard about it.
Tara: What do you mean, YOU gave him?
ME: What do you mean, what do I mean?
Tara: I gave him that black eye.
ME: Pardon?
Tara: Yeah. After I saw you walking up to the house crying with a bloody lip, I ran up to him, knocked him off his bike, and slapped the shit out of him.
ME: Uh...............I don't remember crying.
Tara: The hell you don't! You cried like a baby, and mom sat you up on the sink to put ice on your lip while you told her all about it. Don't you remember that?
ME: ................
Tara: What?
ME: Uh.....nothing. I need to go...uh...watch some football and...umm.....drink some beer. And then...uh....spackle that hole in my wall that I punched through a few years ago.
Tara: You can't spackle that. The hole is too big. The more spackle you try to put on there, the more you'll just push it in.
ME:..........
Tara: What you need is a hat patch..
ME: A what?
Tara: Okay, you need to use a utility knife to clean out the hole and square it off. Remove a strip of the paper about a half inch surrounding the perimeter of the hole. Then cut a new piece of drywall that is slightly larger than the hole. Carve away the gypsum on the back side of the patch until it fits the hole opening but leaves the paper on the outside of the patch intact. This is called a "hat patch". Apply compound to the inside and outside edges of the hole and fit the paper "brim" of the hat patch right over the bare gypsum. Now all you have to do is mud over the hat patch and allow it to dry. With a knife blade, scrape off any dried chips. Lightly sand the patch then apply another layer of mud. When this layer is dry, scrape it, sand it lightly then apply a final thinned down coat of the spackling.
ME: Okay okay okay. I knew all of that. I just mixed up the names of the procedures. So uh...I'm gonna go uh...get some drywall to do a.....hat job....and...then....uh....redefine my masculinity.
Tara:......Okaaaay. Good luck with that.
:::END OF FILE:::
SO FUCKING WHAT? ALL RIGHT! I LOST A FIGHT, AND MY BIG SISTER SAVED THE DAY. I'M NOT EMBARRASSED! I WAS NINE FUCKING YEARS OLD! I DON'T JUSTIFY MY ACTIONS AS A CHILD TO YOU PEOPLE! WHO CARES? Ahem.
I'm a lover, not a fighter. I wouldn't want to touch a woman with blood on my hands, anyway.
....You know....I still haven't fixed that hole in my wall.
User Reviews
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-04-23 08:56:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done, man.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-04-22 15:17:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RandomHero at 2004-03-20 23:12:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahah awesome
you are without a doubt my favourite author on this site!
Submitted by laurenthepirate (user info) at 2004-03-20 22:47:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha awesome dude!!
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2004-03-16 13:20:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Melany (user info) at 2004-03-13 19:20:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hi ho!
Submitted by Bob Dole <at work cant log in> at 2004-03-12 00:23:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it's a jew thing. got the same deal in my head. dont seem to have clear recolection of what happened after a fight. or after drinking too much... or about 3 days time after just about anything.
Submitted by Merc (user info) at 2004-03-11 03:20:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was really funny, I think someone should collect all the stories about fights and put them in one post.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-03-09 08:41:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Cpt. Ron.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-03-08 22:14:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah older, cool, defending sisters... I was blessed/cursed with two of 'em.
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-03-08 19:50:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Where have I been? In an inspirational and emotional funk. My new desire for a well-deserved and well-written hate post has given the drive and will to post again.
Submitted by K.M (user info) at 2004-03-08 14:58:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2004-03-08 14:48:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
jonukah, you are priceless!!
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-03-08 13:04:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
where have you been?
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-03-08 12:43:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
HCP28:
No, my sister is not a carpenter. In fact, that converstaion about the drywall was the ONLY thing that wasn't precisely accurate, as far as I know. That conversation about the hat-patch was with my accounting boss, not my sister.
Feels good to be back. I know I've only been out three weeks, but it feels like its been months.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-03-08 12:24:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Badass.
No other word to describe you.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-03-08 12:11:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha!
Very funny
Submitted by hendrixjrr (user info) at 2004-03-08 12:04:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This brings back memories of a fight back in the day. There's also this time that I have no recollection, my brother told me the story. Maybe I'll post a story about one of them some day.
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2004-03-08 11:59:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent story...very entertaining.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-03-08 10:31:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-03-08 10:22:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff, Jonny. I'm thinking I'll have to photoshop that pic for your hate post.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-03-08 10:14:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny.
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-03-08 10:05:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My attention span is a little better today. At least there was a picture!
I think I've heard this story before. You need some new stories, man!
SpikeGoddess
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-03-08 08:43:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-03-08 08:42:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well said. Everybody can fight, you just need the right stimulus.
And to make you feel better, pre puberty women/girls are just as strong as men/boys.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-03-08 08:13:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
I had no clue what you were referencing until you explained it was Harry Potter.
Everyone has it in them to fight, even kill. It just depends on the circumstances.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-03-08 07:34:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story. You can come patch my wall anytime.
What?
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-03-08 06:40:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Harry Potter
Wolverine
Made me smile
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2004-03-08 06:01:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by maleficent1 <Maleficent1111.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-03-08 01:52:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wonderful---thanks for the laugh, and btw you have to love a guy who uses Harry Potter references, shows hes secure in his fabulous masculinity
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-03-08 01:38:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am hugging my monitor. This was awesome.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-03-08 01:27:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very, very, very, excellent. I love you, man. Love. You.
Submitted by Zeccs (user info) at 2004-03-08 01:20:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have no idea how much i enjoyed this.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-03-08 01:15:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is geat. i've had moments like this.
but now i can fight and do drywall. this is not a joke. i'm serious.
Submitted by antiLemming (user info) at 2004-03-08 01:05:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
First time in days I've wanted to hug Uber. Thanks.
Submitted by Mothyham (user info) at 2004-03-08 00:43:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
go piss your pants again puss boy
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-03-08 00:39:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Not the "Lets be blood brothers and friends forever!" sort of friends (Did anyone actually ever do that outside the movies?)" Sadly, yes.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-03-08 00:25:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You bring back bad childhood memories (child sickening rage) but cool post ;)
Submitted by ScoutCJustice (user info) at 2004-03-08 00:22:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2004-03-08 00:19:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is your sister a carpenter? She sounds babealicious. I wonder if that how it is spelled.
This cracked me up:
But I am No Vulcan. I am JONUKAH!
I could just picture you raising your tiny fists to the heavens and proclaiming that to the world.
Lucky your sister was there or that David kid might have come back to finish the job. Much like Bond did to Goldfinger when he exploded him inside that little escape pod. But I guess that would make you the bad guy, but your not hte bad guy your the victim... right?
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-03-08 00:18:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What a hairy coon.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-03-08 00:17:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant. enough said.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-03-08 00:17:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
heh
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-03-08 00:12:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment