Jonukah, on the Ten Commandments of proper urinal etiquette (6831 hits)
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Submitted by Jonukah<jonukah.at.aol.com> (View user info) at 2004-02-16 00:13:08 EST
Many natural human instincts often amaze me. Like motherhood. And masturbation. Proper urinal etiquette is instinctual for most people, but there are some who somehow managed to slip through the gene pool filter and contaminate humanity. For those of you who lack the proper-urinal-etiquette gene, here are the Ten Commandments of Urinal Etiquette
COMMANDMENT 1: Fill out odd urinals first, and then evens.
Say you have 6 urinals in a restroom. Starting with the closest to the restroom entance, we'll number them 1 through 6. 1, 3, and 5 should be filled in first, followed by 2, 4, and 6. This is to maintain privacy as much as possible. You can deduce the sexuality of any man by their failure to follow these rules. If urinal 1 is occupied, and you walk past him all of the way to urinal 6, then you are obviously homophobic and most likely in denial of your own homosexuality. If the guy at urinal 1 leaves, and the next guys walks all of the way to urinal 5 to stand next to you at number 6, than that guy is either gay, or is very comfortable with themself and feels like making you uncomfortable. (I love doing that.) Guys who fill out even urinals before odd just fuck everything up with their stupidity and should be eliminated from the gene pool. Oh!, I almost forgot. There are also men (if you can call them that) that completely avoid the urinals and head straight for the stall to pee, a sure sign of insecurity or obsessive compulsiveness.
COMMANDMENT 2: Take thirty seconds to wash your fucking hands.
Why is this so hard? Honest. Just wash your hands. It isn't hard. Just wash your damn hands. Please, for Christ's sake, wash your fucking hands. Do you know why 2/3 of the people in this country are overweight? It isn't the food, it isn't stress, and it isn't GLANDULAR! It is because Americans are so damn lazy. They take an elevator to go up one flight of stairs. They drive to their fucking mailbox (I see this all of the time in my neighborhood.) They'll try every pill and weight loss scheme in the book instead of workout our for a mere twenty minutes. Just twenty fucking minutes! And they won't take 30 FUCKING SECONDS TO WASH THEIR FILTHY, DISGUSTING GODDAMN FUCKING HANDS! Whew...that felt good.
COMMANDMENT 3: Head down, eyes are your goods.
If you are bored, you may read the graffiti on the wall ahead of you. Almost all of this abide by this automatically, and yet there is always a burning desire to compare goods. Or is that just me?
COMMANDMENT 4: For the sake of humanity, don't stand four feet away from the urinal..
I'm not asking you to lean on the damn thing, just stand a reasonably close distance. Don't test your aim. It just isn't sanitary. I don't even care about that indecent exposure, I just don't want to walk around in your urine. Even when you don't miss, you are missing. This is what people don't seem to understand. I want you all to perform an experiment at home for me. Get a low power water gun, fill it with grape juice or some other stainable fluid, get your most valuable article of clothing, and shoot grape juice into your toilet from four feet away with this article of clothing between you and the toilet for a solid fifteen minutes. I want to see pictures of your 100% fucking accuracy. The spray factor will also tell you why you should clean your toilet regularly.
COMMANDMENT 5: Hands on your meat, not on your cell phone.
I don't know why this bothers me so much. It just does. What bothers me more is when guys put both of their hands on the wall in front of them and moan like their getting the best head ever. The worst thing about it is, every time I see that, it is a guy in a nice tailored suit. I guess what bothers me is I know they work with people, I know they don't wash their hands afterward, and I know they shake lots of people's hands. Oh! That reminds me of the next one:
COMMANDMENT 6: WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS
When I worked in the mall on a regular basis, I almost always used the restroom near the eatery when I was finished lunch. The restroom is always busy, 70% of them don't wash their hands, and I know half of them are about to eat food. Just thinking about it gives me the jibblies.
COMMANDMENT 7: Don't spit gum/tobacco/cigarettes/mucus in the urinal afterward.
This really bothers me. Why is this necessary? It seems to be like that final splash of paint on an ugly piece of modern art. "Oh, yes. My work is really coming along. The yellow is a real good contrast against the urinal cake. And the bubbles add such beautiful form. But it is missing something....hmmm....what could it be? My masterpiece isn't complete. WHAT DOES IT NEED?! Ah, YES! I'VE GOT IT!"
CHAUAUAUAUAUAUUAK.......FOOO!
"WUNDEBAR!" (sp?)
Fucking eww.
COMMANDMENT 8: Only use urinals the way they're indended to be used
That means no defecating, and no wacking off. Save that for the stalls. Why do I even have to mention this?
COMMANDMENT 9: Old people have right-of-way
This one is just plain courteous. When you get an enlarged prostate from years of drinking caffeine and being rough with the anal beads, you will understand.
COMMANDMENT 10: Did I mention to wash your hands?
The real tragedy of this post, (besides the fact that it sucks and I haven't written anything good in a month) is the fact that I spent a good twenty minutes looking for a perfect urinal picture. I settled on the following four:
1. "Those are urinals? How very....artistic"
2. "Outdoor urinals? In Amsterdam? That's gotta get cold in the winter. Definite shrinkage"
3. Oh yeah...I love the two-layered effect. With a path running down the middle. A PATH! A PATH!
4. Ah...finally. Beautiful. That is a piece of good, modern Americana. <wipes away a tear>
User Reviews
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-03-22 23:01:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Too bad this never went into effect: http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?g=events/en/032304virginairlines&a=&tmpl=sl&ns=&l=0&e=4&a=1
In case the link goes out (as YahooNews! links usually do) it's a picture of a urinal in the shape of a pair of lips that were to be installed in the mens room at JFK Airport but recalled when realized the general public thought them too offensive.
Submitted by Wingfoot (user info) at 2004-03-15 11:41:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Those things in Amsterdam are put up to give an alternative to men who would otherwise empty their bladders against old building and thus ruining their shit, also known als "wildplassen" or wildpeeing.
And yes, in winter they are cold, very cold. Just not cold enough to create an icicle, but it´s close enough
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2004-03-03 23:13:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
LOL-- i'm going on a mission to print this out and post it in the bathrooms at work.
Submitted by alchemist (user info) at 2004-03-02 10:23:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I, like Falconer, use the stall. While he may deny it, claiming that he wants to avoid splash damage, I'll flat out say that I'm insecure and like my privacy.
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2004-02-18 19:11:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Of course you didn't. Its just creepy that our posts are kind of similar. I guess it just makes us both REAL MENZ!
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-02-17 12:27:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry, DrinkDDT, I hope I didn't step on your toes.
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-02-17 10:31:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
There are also men (if you can call them that) that completely avoid the urinals and head straight for the stall to pee, a sure sign of insecurity or obsessive compulsiveness.
-----------------------------
I just don't want to stand in a puddle of piss, okay? I just want to utilize toilet roll to minimize any splashback.
Leave me alone.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-02-17 10:18:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A PATH! A PATH!
+2 for a python reference.
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-02-16 23:05:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Most heated list?
<shakes head in shame>
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-02-16 22:56:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My boss once dropped his cell phone in a toilet. A guy on the Metro-North railroad that runs near my house dropped his phone in a train toilet and they had to use the jaws of life to free him. Why do so many yabos drop their cell phones into toilets?
Good post. No apologies necessary, stupid.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-02-16 22:20:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I've seen better (-1)
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2004-02-16 17:04:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/6481
Woah.
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2004-02-16 14:43:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
oh, right. I agree with that. Rural Japan can be pretty urinalless. And for the western style shitters, they are definitely rare. How great is it to find one in a place you weren't expecting!? The best part is that they were usually the least popular. I remember seeing people queueing to use the trough while the youshiki (western) toilet was wide open.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2004-02-16 14:38:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
notapologizing,
my host family had a bodeigh(sp) but all of the instructions were in Japanese, and I can't read Kanji yet! that was the only westernstyle toilet i saw, with the exception of the airport I think. (i was in a very rural area far to the south of Tokyo) I remember at a shopping center there, i went to use the can and a german woman (i speak german) was complaining that she didn't know how to use the bathrooms. i thought that was pretty funny
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2004-02-16 13:45:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When Im at work and I notice someone doesnt wash their hands I make sure to say hello and say their name as loud as possible. This works great. Especially if theres someone in a stall and they notice that they dont hear water run just before they leave.
I also believe in the every other stall unless you have no choice rule. But I follow it differently. If every other stall is full I just leave and come back later. Or I go in the stall and take a crap. Either way I avoid being the victim of an unwanted baggage check.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-02-16 13:33:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
your post would be better if you stopped complaining about how bad they are.
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2004-02-16 13:24:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not the best thing you've ever done, but much better than:
1. Having rusty nails shoved into my anus.
2. Spraining my ankle.
3. Listening to Nickelback.
4. Washing my hands after using the urinal.
5. The average shitty post.
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2004-02-16 13:05:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There are both urinals and western-style (throne) toilets in Japan. The trough you mention is more common than the western-style for shitting, but I find it hard to believe that you didn't see a single urinal, since they are as common there as anywhere here (in the US). And Japanese companies are responsible for some of the newest toilet seat technology, such as warmed toilet seats with disposable auto-changing plastic covers complete with artificial sounds of flushing repeated during the entire process.
pffft! no urinals in Japan. Whooey!
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2004-02-16 12:55:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When i was in Japan, there were no urinals... or toilets, only either a hole to pee/poo into or a flushable little trough on the floor.
Used to be at RenFest there were no urinals/port-o-potties for the men, guys had to pee into a bathtub whose drain was atatched(sp) to a hose to carry the urine away.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2004-02-16 12:50:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Who's talking oral sex? Do the words "golden shower" mean anything to you?
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2004-02-16 12:15:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
See if you listed carefully to Jonukah's rules....
http://www.drinknation.com/urinaltest.php
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-02-16 11:19:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2004-02-16 11:14:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice post, but you're right, you just don't have as much spark as you used to...I'm pretty sure it'll come back.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-02-16 11:01:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This post started out very good, then trailed off. It was kind of like you ran out of steam.
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2004-02-16 10:56:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"There are also men (if you can call them that) that completely avoid the urinals and head straight for the stall to pee, a sure sign of insecurity or obsessive compulsiveness."
This one describes me. But I do it to avoid the rebound splatter that occurs at many urinals. I also do this when I have to pick something out of my nose and I don't want other people to see it.
As for washing hands, yeah. 'but my dick is the cleanest part of my body!?' Doesn't matter. I'll tell you why. Imagine you're at a friends house watching the game. Everybody is sharing a bag of ships or a bowl of popcorn. One guy with a shimmeringly clean peepee goes to take a piss. No matter how clean his cock is, you don't want his penis to be the last thing he touched before putting his hand in the chip bag. You want to make sure that soap and water have been applied to act as a buffer.
One last thing. Those are some nice pictures of urinals. But anybody who has not pissed at Michigan Stadium is sheltered in the world of public pissing. What you have is about 250 linear feet of wall space. The walls have a sheet solid water cascading down them at all times. At the bottom of the wall is a trench complete with drains, and rolled up mesh fiber to act as pube/gum filter. Other than the walls immediately next to the sink, you can walk up to any wall in the whole facility and piss on it. It's really a judgement call on how small a space you're willing to sqeeze into.
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2004-02-16 10:39:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-02-16 00:43:37 (#)
Ranking: -1
This well deserves to be ignored.
Jonukah whats up? Running out of ideas?
Don't worry, he's just one of those guys who doesn't wash his hands.
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-02-16 10:20:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey Lisa, I thought you didn't like oral sex.
Salt and Vinegar chips? Is that some sort of sexual reference?
I prefer baked Lays potato chips. Low sodium, low cholesterol, more fiber.
FATMANPK: I was considering mentioning handicap urinals, but I figured any more math would go over the heads of the people I'm trying to reach here.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-02-16 09:10:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was very funny.
But I also have a question....
Here at work we have 5 unrinals in the mens room. #1, the furthest to the left is a handicap urinal, very low to the ground. In order to be accurate, one has to stand farther away than normal. SHould this spot actually be counted as #1?
Submitted by T.chow (user info) at 2004-02-16 07:50:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
NEEWHOMP!
......neewhomp...
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-02-16 01:54:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jon, what is your opinion on salt & vinegar chips?
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-02-16 01:39:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Insanethemind, it actually may just be me, but when I refer to someone as "buddy" it's usually because they are upsetting me, and I'm trying to annoy them. I do this because when someone calls me "buddy" all the time, it makes me think that they are trying to look at me in a diminutive manner.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-02-16 01:33:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That means no defecating, and no wacking off. Save that for the stalls. Why do I even have to mention this?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
At a trainstop between the dutch border and dusseldorf, i went to use the urinal and much to my chagrin, some fool had defecated in the urinal rather than pay 20 euro cents to use the stall. What a mother fucker. Or, i guess I shouldn't say that.
I have a new curse for people now that I am trying to be a 'good person.'
When I want to call someone a mother effer, i say "PERSON!!!" Dorky huh? And if I want to call them something weaker, I say "BUDDY!" ... Of course out of earshot.
Great post.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2004-02-16 01:04:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought it kicked arse, Joney.
I've got a urinal right here, just for you. First let me swallow this last Dorito.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-02-16 01:02:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Your right Sideburns your posts have recieved a number of +2's from me. See as you admit they are not usually as good as Jonukahs but then that doesn't raise my level of expectation.
The problem I have here is that Jonukah usually posts to a very high standard and unfortunately this one just didn't cut the mustard. At least for me because as you also correctly point out my opinion is exactly that.
But then again most forms of scatological and toilet humor sort of lost their appeal after I left highschool.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2004-02-16 00:58:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
this is a bit meh, a good idea, but not as good as you could do. dont worry though, not everything you do will be boreatwork worthy. take it from me.
Submitted by Tastycat (user info) at 2004-02-16 00:57:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You get a +2 for the Knights Who Say Ni reference.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-02-16 00:54:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dakingisdead- You've given plent of my posts +2's. This post is right up there with my posts... wait.. this post is way better than all of my posts put together. This post did not suck, it was awesome. In fact, it didn't deserve the -1. But your opinion is just that, yours.
-Sideburns
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-02-16 00:52:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You win,
I win,
We all win..
With Ur-ine!
Submitted by Beren (user info) at 2004-02-16 00:52:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Generally a good post. However, you did not get a +2 from me because no mention of the proper shake off.
My dad got sprinkled on the leg at a trough urinal because the guy next to him shook from side to side, not up and down. Side to side--no, no! Up and down--that's right!
Submitted by Beren <william1995> at 2004-02-16 00:50:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-02-16 00:48:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dakingisdead: Well, yes and no. I have some good ideas in my head, mostly short stories, but I've been having trouble gettign them on paper.
As for comedy, I dunno. I think I completely lost it.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-02-16 00:44:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
11. Use the urinals when you have to piss, not the fucking toilet. Unless the toilet is occupied, piss like a normal person.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-02-16 00:43:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This well deserves to be ignored.
Jonukah whats up? Running out of ideas?
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-02-16 00:42:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't like the first picture because I've been to restrooms where the urinals are combined all the way down the wall like a big trough. That sort of pisses me off, especially when the restrooms are Unisex. It's just bothersome.
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2004-02-16 00:39:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
why is this being ignored?