Submitting A Message (797 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.49 on 54 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Flash Harry (View user info) at 2009-11-10 06:01:20 EST
The bus stop, in the morning, was one of Barnaby's least favourite places. It swarmed with the unwashed and the sick, heading into town to pick up benefits cheques. Office tarts strutted about in their high heels and lipstick, nursing hangovers, self-medicating with cigarettes; and pensioners shuffled about slowly, as though in a waiting room, making the most of their free bus pass. He sat and watched these people with clinical disgust.
There was something ritualistic about the bus stop, with its timetable of appointments and regular clientele. Barnaby's daily practice was to toy with the idea of eating half the chocolate bar from his packed lunch. He would tease himself with this thought, before withdrawing his consent and basking in the pleasure of his own restraint.
One man, one of the homeless brigade, clearly knew no such self-control. His face was swollen and bloated, and he looked like he would be much more comfortable and relieved if he would only indulge in a little vomiting. His thick skin actually throbbed with every beat of his pulse; the blood struggled to circulate around his massive girth.
Every day he seemed to grow in width, and even length. He would wobble from side to side as he stood there, one eye screwed shut, the other glancing around for somewhere to throw up. But he never did. Barnaby was embarrassed by him; this loathsome monster who seemed always to stand out and get thicker by the day. How Barnaby longed to see him eject that build up of fat.
But the office girls were the worst. With their faces surgically painted like gaudy portraits, they sucked on thin, white cigarettes that were soon stained the same colour as their lips. They had all the symptoms of the debauched. Especially on warm days, when their thighs would gleam pale in the sunlight, or glimmer warmly with fake tan. Sometimes, in moments of contemplation, Barnaby caught himself staring at those legs, evaluating them instinctively, and once or twice he found that his imagination longed for the bloated man to shuffle stiffly over to them and empty his swollen bulb of a face onto their skin. But this never happened; it could not happen; and occasionally Barnaby's self-discipline wavered and he sucked on some chocolate.
You had to be patient, waiting for the bus. It was due at seven minutes past the hour, and then at seven minutes past the half hour. It was never on time. The big hand on his watch ticked accusingly to eight. There was no cure for this. Barnaby could forgive a lot of things, but poor punctuality was not one of them. His mood grew heavy, weighty, and there were days when he felt like he could burst and overflow with the frustration of it all. But Barnaby was a wholesome man. He was moderate, temperate. In control. He did not want to have to rehabilitate his reputation in the community for the sake of a childish tantrum.
Barnaby prayed at the bus stop. He prayed four times a day, as though it were some kind of prescription. He found that it helped him to diagnose the sins of those around him to do it this way; why pray in Church, surrounded by virginal peace and purity, when you could speak to God from the middle of one of his most diseased flocks? As in every case Barnaby had ever seen, even these had a chance for recovery; unlike the chocolate, this could not be denied.
Study Questions:
What do you think Barnaby's profession is?
Is the role of the bloated man effective?
Does Barnaby's religion affect the piece?
User Reviews
Submitted by kgbpasha (user info) at 2009-11-12 14:54:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I would prefer not to answer the questions.
Although I must say, Barnaby is obviously related to Bartelby.
They're both Scriveners in their professional lives.
Submitted by paxilliona (user info) at 2009-11-11 20:36:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-11-11 07:53:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-11-11 06:46:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Already done it bell and the trumpeter was horrible, I wanted to laugh so bad.
============================
the trumpet could be one of the most auditorily offensive instruments ever devised. Like nails on a chalkboard.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-11-11 06:46:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Already done it bell and the trumpeter was horrible, I wanted to laugh so bad.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-11-11 05:23:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
We need to remember to be quiet for two minutes at 11am. All of us.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-11-11 05:16:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh fucking lol :D
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-11-11 05:15:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think we have all wondered that. With Berty you don't just get sex; you get wisdom, philosophy, and a great parking spot at Tesco.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-11-11 05:12:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Berty lust I can understand. Often I have pondered what it is like to run my fingers through his thick lustrous hair as we wheel around the bedroom.
Submitted by HeyJude (user info) at 2009-11-11 05:08:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Forgot to do this. +2, awesome post, literary genius, etc.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-11-11 05:07:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
She was asking for it, the little hussy. She wanted to bed me and Berty at the same time and the very thought sent me into a delirious frenzy. I don't remember much of it.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-11-11 05:06:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-11-11 05:04:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Me and shadow are like this: *crosses fingers*
-----------------
I heard a rumour you are why she left. Something about unsolicited calls in the early morning hours and used underwear going missing.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-11-11 05:04:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It was meant to read 'My, Shadow'....
Not 'My Shadow'....
I don't own her.
:(
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-11-11 05:04:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Me and shadow are like this: *crosses fingers*
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-11-11 05:03:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My Shadow came out of hiding to rate your post! Just how many Uber ladies have you sent willy pics to exactly? :D
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-11-11 04:06:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Stolen art? You've lost me, shadow.
(Your name always reminds me of Homeward Bound. I want to be Chance).
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2009-11-10 17:45:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad to see a new post.
Also, who the hell steals art from a public gallery? The artists are students, what was stolen was worth precisely $2.32
Although it was mighty fine. Perhaps the theif is thinking of it as some sort of investment plan.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-11-10 17:32:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Use the form below to post a new message that will show up on the front page. If you are trying to comment on an existing post (aka. reply or rate), go back to that post and click the link that says "Rate this item". Thanks. You rock.
Oh, and FUCK YOU BELL.
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-11-10 13:50:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"He prayed four times a day, as though it were some kind of prescription."
This line brought the whole piece together for me.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-11-10 11:23:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think Barnaby is employed at a low level, poorly paying job that requires some modicum of education. A junior accountant, perhaps, or an administrative civil servant. He's obviously poorly paid--why else would he be forced to take the bus to work despite his distaste for the bus stop? His rigid dogmatism and lack of political acumen have hampered his career, and he's older than his co-workers. This only exacerbates the gulf between their values and his. They scoff at him, usually behind his back, although not always.
Barnaby believes the fat man, wretched though he is, has more than he deserves. If all was right with the world, the fat man would suffer some horrible mishap, like getting run over by the chronically late bus. I suspect Barnaby will eventually try to kill the fat man, by offering him a bit of poisoned chocolate or something.
Barnaby's religion? I pictured him as a stereotypical Muslim until "church" was mentioned. "Mosque" would have fit better, in my opinion. But maybe that would be too politically incorrect for whatever you plan to do with this.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-11-10 11:21:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you kids and your zany antics... i'm doddering off to the rest home now for some warm milk and a nap.
stay real, babies, stay real.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-11-10 11:18:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
HAH
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-11-10 11:18:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
*gasp*
How could you possibly not be?!
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-11-10 11:18:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I believe a girl has to wear underwear for her to throw them scourge, I dont believe TuTs applies...
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-11-10 11:17:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't wear underwear, der!
Besides who says I am an FJ fan?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-11-10 11:16:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
good job on the rapid response, bell. keeping your adoring fans waiting is a cardinal sin.
i imagine tuts will throw her underwear at you now.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-11-10 11:15:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I fucking love antiquing. There, I've said it.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-11-10 11:14:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
oooooohh!
antique hunting!
count me in!
tuts, i believe the answer is 'all of the above.'
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-11-10 11:12:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
All of the below. Not at the same time - that wouldn't work.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-11-10 11:10:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-11-10 23:49:42 WST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll take that as a compliment. I think.
Yes, I smoke.
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What do you smoke? Ciggies, pot, cock?
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-11-10 11:07:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
going antique hunting together this weekend below...
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-11-10 11:00:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
wouldn't dream of doing otherwise.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-11-10 10:58:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Please file a report on the matter when you have had time to collate your thoughts.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-11-10 10:56:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah, yeah take it as a compliment. it wasn't meant as criticism. simply making note that i could read something you wrote w/out looking at the name and know it was you...deja vu... i swear we've been over this before.
BUT who cares about all that right now... this smoking thing has blown my entire perception of you right out of the water. i need some time to sort through all of this. to fit this confounded new tidbit into my image of bell. i'm utterly flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, stunned, floored, etc.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-11-10 10:49:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll take that as a compliment. I think.
Yes, I smoke.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-11-10 10:48:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
everything you write reads like you wrote it.
either you have no range or you have found your voice.
is the glass half empty or is the glass half full?
do you smoke, bell?
i imagine you do not, but an answer to the contrary could totally alter the mental image i have of you.
Submitted by willartstorg (user info) at 2009-11-10 10:26:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What do you think Barnaby's profession is?
Barnaby considers himself a doctor because he thinks he is educated.
Is the role of the bloated man effective?
Yes, Barnaby hates fat people.
Does Barnaby's religion affect the piece?
Yes, Barnaby is a hypocrite.
Ergo, Barnaby is Caulaincourt.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-11-10 09:11:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man, this was fucking fantastic.
I didn't read it, what was it about? Please, a less than 8 word summary please.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-11-10 07:50:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ummmmmmmmmmmmm Giggolo?
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-11-10 07:40:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
aaaaa-nd Doctors don't need to catch the bus. They drive their Mercs and BMW's
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2009-11-10 07:23:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A doctor?
doctor who?
alright that was lame, sorry.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-11-10 07:07:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A Doctor? haha. Every Doctor I know is either an alcoholic, a smoker or addicted to some form of presciption drug.
What sort of Doctor?
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-11-10 06:58:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Pheeley's nailed it. Clever little git.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-11-10 06:58:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What do you think Barnaby's profession is?
He's a doctor
LOL
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-11-10 06:54:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Be he a Priest?
I have to admit that I dont get enough out of a short piece like this to even care or bother what his job is.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-11-10 06:46:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And he isn't a Jedi.
...yet.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-11-10 06:46:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What do you think Barnaby's profession is?
He is unemployed hence his disgust at the persons using the free bus passes. This also gives him time to dissect the office chikies. He rides the bus to escape the derision of his wife.
Is the role of the bloated man effective?
I don't know FJ is it?
Does Barnaby's religion affect the piece?
Religion affects my peace, every Saturday at 8.30 the Jehovas come a knocking.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-11-10 06:46:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"God provides, but God helps those that help themselves. If the bus is late, start walking."
I like that.
Nobody's got Barnaby's job correct yet. Take some Calpol, Pheeley!
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-11-10 06:43:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What do you think Barnaby's profession is?
Barnaby is Man.
Is the role of the bloated man effective?
Yes, since he is Barnaby's mirror.
Does Barnaby's religion affect the piece?
It symbolizes Man's desire for a defined purpose to existence.
The bit about Barnaby's abhorring punctuality and yet perpetually resigning himself to it by depending solely upon the bus that's never on time is symbolic of the sham of relying only on religion to fulfill earthly needs. God provides, but God helps those that help themselves. If the bus is late, start walking.
Of course, I could be wrong.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-11-10 06:42:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
drogo and joeyg!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-11-10 06:36:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*debate
I have flu, it's made me dyslexic
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-11-10 06:35:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
With a name like Barnaby, he probably sells ties.
It make it more believable, as there is one of those people at every bus stop.
Only is his religion is Jedi Knight.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-11-10 06:33:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why are you trying to incite dedbate on Uber?
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-11-10 06:29:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What do you think Barnaby's profession is?
Probably some menial worker in an admin or accounts department
Is the role of the bloated man effective?
He was useful to show Barnabys disregard for pretty much everything around him
Does Barnaby's religion affect the piece?
He comes across as one of those religious freaks who pays lip service to the idea of religion but considers himself to be truly devout. If he truly believed he may feel some sort of guilty about the way he thinks about these people but he doesnt.
I liked it as a start Mr Bell but it has this strange feeling of 'Falling Down' coming at some point.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-11-10 06:20:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What do you think Barnaby's profession is? He's an undercover detective for 'ferrets r us' currently working on a brief regarding 3 untrustworthy stoats.
Is the role of the bloated man effective?
No he is wasting resources.
Does Barnaby's religion affect the piece?
Barnaby says fuck you, he can believe what he likes.
Praise Jemmina puddle duck,.