Gruberfest 09 R3: The Unknown Stranger (461 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.06 on 52 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by BLT (View user info) at 2009-10-22 05:35:40 EDT
He came into our lives as easily as the falling leaves.
It was October and we needed another housemate. The girl we had for the last three months owed us... well, exactly three months rent; and we had no choice but to kick her out. So we found Jack, a pretty easy-going stoner kid from Boston.
Jack played on boards. He was a boarder; as in Skateboarder or snowboarder. We liked him; he liked us. He always kept the bathroom very clean; or at least clean enough. What did we really care? We had found somebody to pay the rent. Jack and I spent many days smoking weed and sounding off about solitude; about our own Walden's Pond, about our own summer in solitude in Wallingford Pond.
Then, Wallingford Pond Dried up. The mountains in Vermont stopped producing snow. And all the snowboarders got eaten by a big Rocky-Mountain monster called BLT.
BLT scared everyone, and soon they realized that snowboarding was an inferior sport to skiing.
The kid's who were not BLT rode boards and started riding boards again; cutting the necks off of unbelievers.
The unbelievers would say,
"Have at you kid!"
Except they couldn't, as they had no heads.
And that is the end of the story about "BLT and the Unbelievers"
And then everyone moved to Colorado. Or better yet, Utah, if it wasn't for those fucking Mormons.
OK, Colorado. But Utah has purer powder.
Goddammit those fucking Mormons.
Happy Halloween!
-BLT
User Reviews
Submitted by LoooseSprocket (user info) at 2009-10-29 13:39:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2009-10-23 23:43:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
did not read. I have the word "peckerwood" in my head.
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-10-23 18:35:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-10-23 03:55:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-10-22 21:41:48 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-10-22 14:16:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the only thing berty has been divorced from is a mans haircut, cursed forever more to have lank greasy hair, much like robinson crusoe - the transvestite years
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:(
My haircut is manly.
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Berty, i want to have a drink with you. March 6th in Swindon.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-10-23 02:23:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dirty hippie below.
...and a hearty "Fuck you" to you, sammich.
Why?
No reason. Suck it.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-10-22 16:41:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-10-22 14:16:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the only thing berty has been divorced from is a mans haircut, cursed forever more to have lank greasy hair, much like robinson crusoe - the transvestite years
--------------------------
:(
My haircut is manly.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-10-22 15:24:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-10-22 07:38:54 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So anyway, all you old people. How do you go about leaving someone? As in breaking up with them? Is there a process, a rule book? Or do you just do it?
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See my latest post for my advice.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-10-22 14:16:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the only thing berty has been divorced from is a mans haircut, cursed forever more to have lank greasy hair, much like robinson crusoe - the transvestite years
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-10-22 11:42:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No trouble, I am just bored. I would say that we are middle class, so moving away might be better. I was just wondering too, the only other men I have been with weren't serious. So I was always curious about how proper couples actually broke up. I might just wait until we are rich then....
Are you divorced Berty?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-10-22 11:32:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Trouble in paradise, Tuts?
Well as I understand it the first step is the seperation itself. This can either be an explosive act or a lengthly and drawn out period of abstention and misery. Considering the subsequent phases, I would reccomend the explosive option. It doesn't have to be a betrayal, a Christian Bale-esqe "I'm sorry. I just, uh... you're not terribly important to me." will suffice.
Next comes the leaching. The leeching refers to the period during which the assets are distributed and custody is settled. The time for leeching typically depends on wealth and operates on a bell curve, with very poor and very rich couples being able to progress through this stage in a matter of months whilst moderately wealthy couples can remain in this state for years. The term 'leeching' refers not to the effect of one party living off another's assets, rather to the process itself causing such anxiety that it literally sucks the life out of both parties. This is why divorced people usually looks so tired, even if they didn't get the kids.
Finally there is the acrimony. This period only applies to couples with children and will last untill either one of the parties or all children are deceased. As the name impliese it is, essentially, an emotional scar left from the awful leaching that can never truly heal due to the proximity of the parties through their children. Tradition states that the children should be used as weapons against one another and that each party will get angry at all the activities they used to enjoy with their spouse.
I hope this is informative, but if you have any questions I would be more than happy to answer them.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2009-10-22 11:18:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-10-22 10:34:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2009-10-22 10:09:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
camping a comp post, serious faux pas
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Your mum's a serious faux pas.
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Really, mom jokes?
you should be ashamed at your own unoriginality.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-10-22 11:05:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Uninspired.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-10-22 10:38:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So anyway, all you old people. How do you go about leaving someone? As in breaking up with them? Is there a process, a rule book? Or do you just do it?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-10-22 10:34:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2009-10-22 10:09:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
camping a comp post, serious faux pas
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Your mum's a serious faux pas.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-10-22 10:17:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-10-22 20:12:25 WST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-10-22 07:29:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Which one was Plato?
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I think he was the big yellow dog you sometimes saw with Mickey.
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Haha, ba doom doom chi!
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2009-10-22 10:09:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
camping a comp post, serious faux pas
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-10-22 09:31:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha...fucking mormons.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-10-22 09:27:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The calm and the climate confused me
The dawn was a floozy
Barely risen but still beckoning to me
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-10-22 08:12:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-10-22 07:29:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Which one was Plato?
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I think he was the big yellow dog you sometimes saw with Mickey.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-10-22 07:34:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-10-22 07:29:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Which one was Plato?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-10-22 07:00:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you are certainly asking the right place
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-10-22 06:58:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I wonder if any women have the Matel 'Play, Laugh, Grow' slogan as a tramp stamp. That'd be ace.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-10-22 06:44:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thats the meths talking
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-10-22 06:41:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Awww, you guys...
In other news the two managers have cloistered themselves in their office. I am convinced they're talking about firing me because I do no work and talk about Plato when we're firing sales managers.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-10-22 06:38:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
brown like HP Sauce and just as tasty
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2009-10-22 06:38:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
and as if to prove the point...
Just kidding
I love everybody
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-10-22 06:38:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2009-10-22 06:32:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Allright Berty: You are smarter than I am. I know this. I have known this for some time. Can we at least agree that EI is a dick?
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I actually have an IQ of 73. Personally I think the test was prejudiced against me because I am brown.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-10-22 06:37:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I must admit, EI, that the children comment was a wild guess based on the fact that I liked all my stoned cousins the most because they reminded me of the family dog (a bloodhound, beagle, cross).
The energetic ones worried me as at the time I associated having lots of energy with Hitler.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-10-22 06:34:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-10-22 11:30:46 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2009-10-22 06:27:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
buried! I meant to hit the d key! Don't listen to EI, nobody likes him.
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That's libel that is. Women love EI because he is a fatherly, mid thirties, gent with the attitude of a puppy on a spring.
Children, however, do not like him. I'm not sure why though. Perhaps they percieve a trap?
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wooooooah there evil knievel, im not mid thirties, and since when are puppies kept on a peice of string?
im a lean mean loving machine with wicked humour and a charming outlook on life
children love me, 'isn't that right rosie, no now, shhh shh, back under the desk, ohhhh yeah, shhh rosie, its EI time.'
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2009-10-22 06:32:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Allright Berty: You are smarter than I am. I know this. I have known this for some time. Can we at least agree that EI is a dick?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-10-22 06:31:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2009-10-22 11:27:59 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
buried! I meant to hit the d key! Don't listen to EI, nobody likes him.
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woah there ms fanny adams, hit the rewind button
nobody likes EI.......hmmmmmmmm, show me the memo, SHOW ME THE MEMO
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-10-22 06:30:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2009-10-22 06:27:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
buried! I meant to hit the d key! Don't listen to EI, nobody likes him.
---------------
That's libel that is. Women love EI because he is a fatherly, mid thirties, gent with the attitude of a puppy on a spring.
Children, however, do not like him. I'm not sure why though. Perhaps they percieve a trap?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-10-22 06:28:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2009-10-22 06:26:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
burying a post in obscurity? Berty, now I know you are trying to be funny. This is Ubersite. Every post is buries in obscurtiy.
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I've never held with that "champion of what?" philosophy. It's defeatist.
Besides, nobody is famous for 15 minutes anymore. Instead we are all famous all the time to 1500 people.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2009-10-22 06:27:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
buried! I meant to hit the d key! Don't listen to EI, nobody likes him.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2009-10-22 06:26:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
burying a post in obscurity? Berty, now I know you are trying to be funny. This is Ubersite. Every post is buries in obscurtiy.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-10-22 06:26:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-10-22 06:23:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hi, is this the losers convention? ahh thought so, you guys have fun!
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Your mum's vagina is a losers convention.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-10-22 06:25:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Whatever BLT. Go back to writing your screenplay or whatever it is you do on a thursday afternoon.
The rest of us are all going to follow the rules because that is how you get the hot bitches.
...
Wait, what?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-10-22 06:23:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hi, is this the losers convention? ahh thought so, you guys have fun!
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2009-10-22 06:22:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not going to answer your fucking quiz. I've done enough by posting. You're the one who is supposed to fill in the blanks.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-10-22 06:21:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2009-10-22 06:06:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I understand the rule. However, the rule is already in place WITH PENALTY I might add... So what If one makes two posts in one day? the first is kicked off the front pag anyway.... Meanwhile; have you seen the front page lately? Not to be arrogant but two posts from me may be a good thing
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YOU ARE MISSING THE POINT ENTIRELY!
By kicking a post off the front page you are burying it in obscurity and any of the fantastic wit and/or banter that was included in the comments.
It is like falling in love with a beautiful (or more commonly, very ugly) woman, buying a house together, getting married, making the decision to have a child, nurturing your beloved through the pregnancy, experiencing the profoundity that is childbirth, spending long nights viewing your newborn and wondering at the tiny little fingers and such, then burying him or her alive in the garden one day because it is raining.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-10-22 06:17:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
In order to "try another angle" you'll need to fill out the following questionairre:
1. Which of the following statement best describes your marital status?
a) Very divorced
b) Somewhat divorced
c) Not divorced at all
d) Never going to be in a position to get divorced
2. Which of the following best describes your employment situation?
a) Wealthy to the point of being beyond employment
b) Very employed
c) not very employed
d) Chain-link-fence grade employed
3. My health is currently:
a) a priority but not a concern.
b) not something I think about.
c) a cause for great anxiety.
d) somebody else's problem.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2009-10-22 06:06:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I understand the rule. However, the rule is already in place WITH PENALTY I might add... So what If one makes two posts in one day? the first is kicked off the front pag anyway.... Meanwhile; have you seen the front page lately? Not to be arrogant but two posts from me may be a good thing
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-10-22 05:58:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Stuff like 2 posts a day is PRECISLY the reason that they're having so much trouble in Pakistan.
That and too much ethnic hatred, not enough cricket. All the Pakistan government need to do is tell everyone the Taliban hates cricket and all the bastards will be able to recruit is runts who can't catch.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2009-10-22 05:58:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-10-22 05:52:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Paralysed people can suck dick! I have seen it happen. In fact, it is very easy to stick a dick pretty much.. well... anywhere.
If that was supposed to make me feel bad, try another angle.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-10-22 05:56:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You know the rule BLT. It's there for a good reason.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-10-22 05:52:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Paralysed people cannot suck dick. I don't understand it too well, it's somehow related to how a woman wearing high heels has tighter vaginal muscles or something?
Anyway, that is why you never see a gay person in a wheelchair.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2009-10-22 05:51:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I may make another.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2009-10-22 05:51:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i can make as many posts a day as I like.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2009-10-22 05:49:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
blow me berty. I make zero posts in many days and then I want to make two in one day and you hat eme for it. HATE ME FOR IT.
Seriously, blow me.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-10-22 05:44:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
auto 2 posts in 1 day -2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-10-22 05:37:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jack played on boards. He was a boarder;
lol