Camping With The McCallum's (1046 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.68 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Caulaincourt (View user info) at 2009-10-01 17:35:36 EDT
It was a cold Canadian automn night.
But a camp fire and his flannel shirt were keeping him warm.
The fire was cracking. He was sitting lazily, starring at the flames, beer in hand, dangling in his lap.
His thoughts were wandering. He imagined what his life could have been. Where he would be if his wife had wanted this child.
How that child would've turned out. He liked to picture his son as a successful construction contractor. That's a cliche he could've lived with. Instead, his son was a 40-years old something virgin hiding in San Francisco where he worked in mail handling.
The night was getting colder, he moved his body forward to get closer to the flames which helped him get lost in his thoughts. As he sat in the Thinker position...
*MEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW*
He was brought out of his day dreaming by the screeching of a cat.
"OMG DAD! YOU STEPPED ONE OF MY CATS' TAILS! WATCH. OUT."
The old man sighed.
"Did you really have to bring 7 cats in camping, Jack?"
"Dad, it's hard enough as it is. I already left half of them at homE, OKAY!"
Seeing that his son was on the verge of crying, he said "okay, son" rolling his eyes, hoping he could get lost in his thoughts again.
But his son interrupted his attempt at fleeing reality.
"Tell me about the war again, dad!"
The man had been in the army for a few years but was never in any conflict. He was assigned to the cafeteria of some military base in Ontario due to his subpar physical condition. He was a ginger, like his son. After the departure of his wife, he became depressed and collected welfare checks up until now.
But he liked to think making up war stories would drive his son to make something more manly out of his life than groom cats.
"Well, last time I told you we were flown over the chinese-Korean border on a secret mission..."
"yeah, yeah...what next?" his son said anticipatingly, bringing out a brick of aged cheddar out of his Puma leather bag. He was very fond of that particular type of cheese. Subconsciously, it probably reminded him of the stale breast milk of his drinking mother.
The man went on with his fantasy story.
"...well as soon as we entered enemy territory, ground fire lit up the night. The officer ordered us out of the plane so we jumped out and deployed our parachutes. We were quickly targetted by the enemy. Many of my friends died"
He paused to fake painful memories but in reality, he simply needed some time for inspiration.
"Go on, dad! It's ok" his son whispered, putting his hand on his dad's knee, like he saw Oprah do when guests are struggling. He then sat back and grabbed the nearest cat to caress it and even subtely pass his fingers on its genital organs a little.
"...I had to move out of this crossfire but those old fashion parachutes are hard to control. So I took out my .50 caliber and shot it from the hip to control my descent. It was also an opportunity for me to fire a few rounds at the enemy..."
He then smirked and added some type of canadian cowboy laugh for effect "...eh eh eh eh"
His son then stood up in excitment and screamed out, with cheddar spewing out of his mouth:
"Right on, dad! How many of those godamn chinks did you kill?"
But by standing up, his cat went flying into the fire in front of him. Panicked, he quickly grabbed his smooth leather jacket and tried to extinguish the fire.
The old man stood there and watched his son yelling like a woman with disgust, but on the other hand, parts of him felt satisfied to see one of those damn cats roasting.
Nothing could be done. The cat was dead and the fire was out.
The old man went to sleep withtout saying a word and left his son crying into the tranquil night.
In the morning, he woke up and could still hear his son sniffling.
He walked toward the whimpers only to find his only child in fetal position, rolling his ginger hair in the mud. The remaining cats were munching on the cheddar brick in the background.
The sight was disgusting.
He called his ex-wife on his cellphone and said: "I can't do it either."
User Reviews
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2009-10-06 10:08:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We have been amused.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2009-10-03 13:48:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2009-10-03 13:06:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahhaah "even subtely pass his fingers on its genital organs a little."
I like the fact that the syntax and spelling is a little off, it adds something to the writing.
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-10-03 12:14:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i laughed.
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2009-10-03 09:23:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2009-10-03 02:38:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aha, l'humour!
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-10-02 20:51:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"[Father,] will you tell me the story about the fort?"
"Of course. We crept up on the fort. And I jumped over the wall first. And my fellows jumped after me. And you should have seen the look on the Frenchmen's faces when 23 rampaging he-devils, swords and pistols, cut and thrust pell mell, came tumbling into the fort. In three minutes' time we left as many Artillery men's heads as there were cannon balls.
"Later we were visited by our noble Prince Henry. 'Who is the man who has done this?'
"I stepped forward.
"'How many heads was it that you cut off?' he says.
"'Nineteen,' says I, 'besides wounding several.'
"Well, I'll be blessed, if he didn't burst into tears. 'Noble, noble fellow,' he said. 'Here is nineteen golden guineas, one for each head that you cut off.'
"What do you think of that?"
"Were you allowed to keep the heads?"
"No, they always become the property of the King."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQsm4wfoTnk (02:40)
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-10-02 16:24:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5ish
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-10-02 16:24:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good, funny, hilarious even but it sounded exactly like a Frenadian trying out his 'Anglish.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2009-10-02 15:48:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This...was hilarious.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-10-02 14:52:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tres drole.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-10-02 09:25:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2009-10-02 09:20:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel wrong, but something about burning cats makes me smile inside. I've always wanted to put a cat in a glass fronted oven, and just watch what happens.
Dunno, cats + heat = happy me. Wierd.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2009-10-02 09:16:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2009-10-01 22:06:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
harsh...cat herding is a highly respectable profession
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pk7yqlTMvp8
ps. GO HABS WOOOOOOO!
Submitted by Cakes (user info) at 2009-10-01 22:00:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you two's little ne'er-ending interweb war: funny, you'd probably be great friends. Or not.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-10-01 21:37:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was pretty funny, but for some reason it makes me feel guilty.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-10-01 21:34:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gotta go with Shlongy on this one.
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2009-10-01 19:52:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this post made my day
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-10-01 19:36:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You fucking bastard. I LUL'D. Then I read it again out loud. And LUL'D more.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2009-10-01 19:30:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"yeah, yeah...what next?" his son said anticipatingly, bringing out a brick of aged cheddar out of his Puma leather bag.
Submitted by os2 (user info) at 2009-10-01 19:07:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for the post
+2 for the song review by mc callum
haha
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-10-01 18:41:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh. This +2 isn't for you, caul.
It's for jack's review.
Your post just happened to be the host.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2009-10-01 18:20:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://stuff.ubersite.com/124179124467631366/1/the%20caulaincourt%20song.mov
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-10-01 18:04:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He then smirked and added some type of canadian cowboy laugh for effect "...eh eh eh eh"
---------
fucking GOLD!
Submitted by Brian_Blessed (user info) at 2009-10-01 18:01:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I WILL AUDITION FOR THE PART OF SENIOR MC_CALLUM! I WILL EVEN UNDERGO HAIR DYING IN ORDER TO PLAY THIS PART! I WOULD WARRANT THAT THIS ROLE REQUIRES A BEARD, AND A DISAPPROVING LOOK!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-10-01 17:57:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by willartstorg (user info) at 2009-10-01 17:52:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-10-01 17:49:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by willartstorg (user info) at 2009-10-01 17:47:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
YOU SUCK!!
===
bitching about spelling on the internet is older than 28.8k modems
=================
If you can't write in English, stfu.
===
http://www.ubersite.com/m/116028
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2009-10-01 17:57:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Blackhawks have one last shot at a Cup this year before the team falls apart next year. That's assuming of course that Huet doesn't completely suck again this year- which is assuming a lot. I wish they wouldn't have signed Hossa or Brian "turn-over" Campbell.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-10-01 17:55:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
no1, you only laugh if tell you to. that's what Jack likes to believe anyway.
btw, you're somewhere in ontario, right?
well, tonight hockey season begins and it's Leafs vs Habs!
and because of that, i'm out!
:-D
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-10-01 17:54:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was genuinely hilarious. I have popped back to Uber just to +2 this.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2009-10-01 17:52:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love when you write historical fiction.
Submitted by willartstorg (user info) at 2009-10-01 17:52:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-10-01 17:49:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by willartstorg (user info) at 2009-10-01 17:47:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
YOU SUCK!!
===
bitching about spelling on the internet is older than 28.8k modems
=================
If you can't write in English, stfu.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-10-01 17:49:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by willartstorg (user info) at 2009-10-01 17:47:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
YOU SUCK!!
===
bitching about spelling on the internet is older than 28.8k modems
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-10-01 17:48:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahhhahahahhahaa ROFL. I couldn't stop laughing through the whole thing
"Subconsciously, it probably reminded him of the stale breast milk of his drinking mother."
"putting his hand on his dad's knee, like he saw Oprah do when guests are struggling."
"even subtely pass his fingers on its genital organs a little."
"His son then stood up in excitment and screamed out, with cheddar spewing out of his mouth: "Right on, dad! How many of those godamn chinks did you kill?""
"watched his son yelling like a woman with disgust, but on the other hand, parts of him felt satisfied to see one of those damn cats roasting"
"He called his ex-wife on his cellphone and said: "I can't do it either.""
ahhahhahahhahahhaha, I literally had tears streaming out by the time I read the last line.
Submitted by willartstorg (user info) at 2009-10-01 17:47:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-10-01 17:44:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the ending is kinda rushed...i wrote this rather poorly.
========================
automn
cracking
starring
40-years old
day dreaming
life than groom cats
targetted
subtely
YOU SUCK!!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-10-01 17:44:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the ending is kinda rushed...i wrote this rather quickly.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-10-01 17:41:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol