Can I Get....Any of you Cunts...A Drink? (1317 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.46 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by I_can_get_you_a_toe (View user info) at 2009-09-28 16:20:12 EDT
A few weeks back, I went to my friend's house for dinner. There were various foods arranged on platters on the dining room table that we were all seated around and directly in front of me was the fried chicken.
I reached in eagerly and grabbed a piece and took a meaty bite out of it, and immediately noticed the entire family looking at me strangely.
They then bowed their heads and proceeded to say 'Grace'. I tried to be respectful and join in - but I still had my mouth full of crunchy chicken and try as I might - there was no way for me to eat that silently.
So while everyone was saying Grace, all you could hear at that horribly quiet table was 'Crrrrrrruuunnnnncccch chhm chhm chhm chhm' as I desperately tried to rid my mouth of the meat.
Saturday night we held a party at our house, it was formal wear and I don't do well with the wearing of the high heels, and about an hour into the partay, I plopped down on a chair and said to my little sister that my feet were burning.
"IT BURNS LIKE HERPES!" she yelled in reply. It was then I realised my little sister was very, very drunk.
Later on that night we had a dance off to 'Britney Spears' on the front lawn and I cut my foot on a broken wine glass.
I got a ride into work with my friend this morning. She yawned loudly and said 'Man, I'm so tired from cycling all night' I asked why she was cycling all night, where did she cycle to?
'Oh no, it was in my dream' she explained. Oh, of course.
About a month ago, I was drinking with mates when my flatmate came home at 2am, dressed in a nun costume and announced that he had just taken a shit on the neighbour's lawn. And that it was okay because it just came out and he didn't need to wipe.
I have the next two weeks off work - I have all these grand plans with how to spend my time but in the end, I'll probably just take painkillers and watch reruns of America's Next Top Model in my underwear.
I didn't say it would make sense.
User Reviews
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2009-10-15 12:11:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2009-10-13 10:28:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 shaun of the dead quote that took me forever to figure out
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You are my new favourite person for getting that.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-10-13 12:04:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this:
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2009-09-29 14:51:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You should have crunched that chicken up but good and, with your mouth still full, spat "Don't force your outmoded and frankly idiotic notions of religion and morality on me, Jesus-touchers" swept everything off the table and stolen their booze on the way out.
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2009-10-13 10:28:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 shaun of the dead quote that took me forever to figure out
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-10-13 08:10:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nobody ever did.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-10-03 19:56:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What is it about ANTM that draws me in for hours at a time when I'm not the least bit interested in modeling or fashion?
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2009-09-30 15:59:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2009-09-30 13:35:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
quality.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2009-09-30 12:54:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
its a shame youre a kiwi. otherwise youd be sexy, instead of retarded.
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2009-09-30 05:19:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This stuff is what makes me come back here, keep posting.++++
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2009-09-30 02:54:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-09-29 14:44:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
They then bowed their heads and proceeded to say 'Grace'. I tried to be respectful and join in - but I still had my mouth full of crunchy chicken and try as I might - there was no way for me to eat that silently. """
is this true?
i hate people who dig in like pigs before everyone is all set to eat. fatties do that a lot.
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I should've realised that a blow by blow account of the happenings that led up the 'eating of the chicken' was necessary for your lame generalisations.
I also wish I had TTOM's mind.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2009-09-29 16:07:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
painkillers in your underwear always makes for a great time.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2009-09-29 14:51:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You should have crunched that chicken up but good and, with your mouth still full, spat "Don't force your outmoded and frankly idiotic notions of religion and morality on me, Jesus-touchers" swept everything off the table and stolen their booze on the way out.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-09-29 14:44:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
They then bowed their heads and proceeded to say 'Grace'. I tried to be respectful and join in - but I still had my mouth full of crunchy chicken and try as I might - there was no way for me to eat that silently. """
is this true?
i hate people who dig in like pigs before everyone is all set to eat. fatties do that a lot.
i bet it didn't take long before you plunged that pudgy hand of yours into that bucket of KFC.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-09-29 14:38:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-09-29 13:16:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-09-29 04:59:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was once asked to say grace at a friends house. I haven't been to church in forever, so I just went red and said umm thanks god for dinner *laugh*. I felt like a right tool. Religious types can be so rude.
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I went to lunch with a friend and he brought his 5yo daughter. She knew I'm not religious, and they really are. She asked me if I am going to hell because I don't believe in Jesus. Before I could answer, my friend said, "That's what we believe." Nice.
On the other hand, the same friend built a collection of characters on their Wii game thingamadoodad. One of them was supposed to be Jesus (a white guy with long brown hair, which is what a lot of white North American people want to think Jesus looked like). He asked the same daughter who she thought the character was, and she said it was me. Nice.
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looks to me like you hang out with retards.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-09-29 13:16:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-09-29 04:59:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was once asked to say grace at a friends house. I haven't been to church in forever, so I just went red and said umm thanks god for dinner *laugh*. I felt like a right tool. Religious types can be so rude.
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I went to lunch with a friend and he brought his 5yo daughter. She knew I'm not religious, and they really are. She asked me if I am going to hell because I don't believe in Jesus. Before I could answer, my friend said, "That's what we believe." Nice.
On the other hand, the same friend built a collection of characters on their Wii game thingamadoodad. One of them was supposed to be Jesus (a white guy with long brown hair, which is what a lot of white North American people want to think Jesus looked like). He asked the same daughter who she thought the character was, and she said it was me. Nice.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-09-29 10:29:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I dreamed of Jeannee.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-09-29 09:51:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<racism>
From your fried chicken story I have deduced that you are black.
</racism>
Sorry, thought we could all use a little more racism today.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2009-09-29 06:04:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Dream cycling is very tiring.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-09-29 05:47:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
reply to email homo
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-09-29 05:28:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*not certain
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-09-29 05:28:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm never going to New Zealand. I am a huge fan of binge drinking but I'm certain about all this dressing up and not wiping your arse.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-09-29 04:59:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was once asked to say grace at a friends house. I haven't been to church in forever, so I just went red and said umm thanks god for dinner *laugh*. I felt like a right tool. Religious types can be so rude.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2009-09-29 04:19:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wha?
My speakers make noises when I type, and feed back if the volume is too high. Just noticed, because for the longest time I thought I was a really loud (I am not a "typist", but I cannot acknowledge that "typer" is a word).
Submitted by THERAPlST (user info) at 2009-09-29 02:27:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I lol'd. simple comedy. nice.
Submitted by Cakes (user info) at 2009-09-29 02:11:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha!
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-09-29 00:33:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
rock on toe.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2009-09-28 23:54:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We are amused.
Submitted by willartstorg (user info) at 2009-09-28 20:27:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-09-28 18:29:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always watch ANTM in my underwear it makes it easier to wank off.
Especially to blonde bouncy Whitney cycle 10.
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So you wank off to womenz? How about to men? Are you one of those buy-sexshuls?
So many questions. . . . .
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-09-28 20:24:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmm-hmm.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-09-28 19:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You said plop.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-09-28 18:29:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always watch ANTM in my underwear it makes it easier to wank off.
Especially to blonde bouncy Whitney cycle 10.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-09-28 18:26:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I dreamt that Don Draper was my boss last night and he was yelling at me to bring him some papers
Submitted by GroundHorse (user info) at 2009-09-28 17:10:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
we had a dance off to 'Britney Spears'
LIES! nobody can dance to a britney song!
Submitted by sneej (user info) at 2009-09-28 16:29:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yay, herpes
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2009-09-28 16:22:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny