Non-Hostile Takeover (621 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.6 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ilikesteak (View user info) at 2009-09-28 04:10:38 EDT
Monitors on. Login. Run takeover.exe as an administrator.
The screens all black out, the power dims, and the humming of machines begin.
The readout follows: "Towers 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8, 10, 12, 13, and 14 active. 5 and 9 are on standby. 11 and 15 are redundant backup. Tower 0 made available, intended for test purposes only."
Power couplers are all running at maximum capacity, waiting for total feedback redirection. All generators are full and running. Running this on commercial just isn't reliable enough.
My problem is gravity. The solution is my machine. At first it started as an experiment to see if I could pick something up from a distance. Then it became controlling it in the air. Next, I wondered if I could move something living, namely Jerry my pet mouse, whom I've promised to never use as a test subject. After the Jerry incident, I decided to try moving something alive without liquefying it's organs. Several field mouse funerals and one for the neighbour's cat (Total asshole) and other neighbour's dog (Total accident, felt bad) and I had perfected not killing what I'm moving. Once I got that down, everything became a control issue, then a math issue, then a size issue. It's always a size issue.
At one time, I was a normal guy. An accountant working on joint accounts of major corporations responsible for drugs, insurance, technology, everything. You name it, and I could tell you what they made, and who they were getting it all from. And I made pennies against their millions. I sat back one day, and realised just how much money it took to make the world go round. So I decided to dip into the bucket, to move my status from peon to man of wealth and taste. The hardest part was getting over the sudden fear which coursed through my veins, knowing that I am now a criminal, and my actions cannot be taken back. Until that moment, I had a safe life, destined to smoulder out without note in anyone's history books.
Now I've got the same fear that I had then. Until now, if someone catches me, or stops me, I would get ten to life in a white collar playground. Now, they'll broadcast my execution across the globe, the worst criminal known to mankind. Even worse than the guy on the news who ate a baby. The guy ate a damn baby and people would vote for him as president before they'd keep me alive. I havn't killed anyone, and aside from a few trial and error accidents, nothing has actually been harmed. I know science teachers who've killed more things than me, and they seemed pretty pleased about dropping that cotton ball in my frog jar. I'll miss Hoppy.
Now I'm getting phone calls this junior supervillain's league. How did they even find out about my plan. All I'm going to do is move a few landmarks closer to my house for a weekend. I can't fly to damn France to look at pictures, so I'm bringing it to me. I can't take the time to visit the pyramids, or learn a native language, just to see something cool. Have you ever tried to drive to see the White house? I have, and didn't even get close. Somebody tried to steal my car! Since my neighbourhood is safer, I'll bring it all to me. Now I'd just like to get this serial killer to quit sending me his mailer. There is no reason to do that to a corpse, and I have no interest in seeing those pictures. He is not getting a christmas card.
I throw the lever, the beam bounces off the moon, and Paris rides with it on the return signal. I'll have it back before anybody notices. It's a fine show of science, and I'm sure everybody will understand.
My only backup in this all, is if something goes wrong, I'll bounce everything on the planet to the far reaches of the Milky way. It's a fine monday to start taking over the world.
User Reviews
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2009-10-06 19:01:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2009-10-06 19:01:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1.5 because it started out strong but fizzled in the end.
if it's a string of posts and they're as good as this one started out I promise to make it up in 2's.
I like ILikeSteak
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2009-10-06 10:21:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Smile, life isn't laughing at you, I am tho.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-09-29 15:01:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Steak, nothing is "done" until my customary and significant retainer fee hits my bank account. The second rule of law school is "show me the money."
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-09-29 09:42:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
needs more
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-09-28 19:08:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stuff like this is why I like Ilikesteak.
Favorite line was " The hardest part was getting over the sudden fear which coursed through my veins, knowing that I am now a criminal, and my actions cannot be taken back," but there were several more good lines there, and everything was put together very nicely.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-09-28 18:51:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
make more
Submitted by GroundHorse (user info) at 2009-09-28 12:25:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
a comment should have been entered here, if i had some usefull points to ventilate here, but as it seems, 'it kicked my ass' is all i can produce at this moment. We get back to you as events unfold themselves.
</blabla, save uber and all that nonsense>
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-09-28 10:42:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fat Kid gets Ripped in 4 weeks w/o using Steroids -> http://www.RyansRippedCombo.com/?cid=352
OMG!!!!
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2009-09-28 10:07:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-09-28 09:41:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you retain me as your defense counsel, you'll never see the inside of a jail.
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Done!
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-09-28 09:41:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you retain me as your defense counsel, you'll never see the inside of a jail.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-09-28 08:40:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
ARE YOU THE INFORMANT?
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-09-28 07:49:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool post.
Poor EI cat.
Submitted by spuj (user info) at 2009-09-28 06:48:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 on the basis that:
a. this was a good piece
b. that i hope this is the first of a string of posts
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2009-09-28 06:42:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting.
Submitted by os2 (user info) at 2009-09-28 06:00:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Cool - Can i borrow it?
I'd like to try and move France further away....
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-09-28 05:15:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my cats in hospital :(