Don't ask me to write a report and I wont lie to you. (868 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.92 on 54 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by LittleMonster (View user info) at 2009-09-22 10:17:18 EDT
As an intern in pharmacology at the city hospital, I have to rotate in to different departments on a quarterly basis. This can vary from Oncology to Nuclear Medicine. One of the rotations I had this year was in CIVAS (Central Intra-venus Additive Service). It's clean rooms and labs where we make all the crap they pump into your veins when your circling the drain. They have asked me for an extensive report on my experience of working there and seeing as I I'm currently off with swine flu, it seemed like a good enough time as any to bash it out. The problem with these reports, is quite simply that you need to lie through your arse about what went on, because the only place this report is going is straight to the leads of the department.
One of them still hasn't forgiven me for throwing up in one of the half suits. I had just finished making a feed bag in a very large sealed cabinet. It's a bit like cooking something with the most precise and intricate recipe you have ever come across. If you put in the wrong amount, or even in the wrong order, you are going to kill someone. It takes two people to actually get you inside the suit that goes into the cabinet. Space suits aren't this secure or damned heavy. I had been in it for a few hours and I was starting to feel a bit frayed around the edges when I handed out the last of the materials into the air lock. The cabinet just needed prepping for it's clean down, and that's when I smelt it.
I managed a gurgled scream into my mike before I began to thrash around like there were Bees in my suit. I was sure I was about to die. As it turns out, one of the support workers had farted in my air supply, but I was not aware of this as I begged and whimpered to be taken out. No one could help for laughing, but they had left on all the intercoms to the labs and one of the clinical senior pharmacists peered through the viewing glass just in time to see me redecorate the inside of the suit and more than one support worker collapsed on the floor crying. I got three weeks of late shifts for that.
It was only four weeks later that I hyperventilated and passed out in one because somehow a spider had made it's way into my suit. Now I don't like spiders at all and it's just about my worst nightmare to be in a confined space with one that I can't see, but can only feel scurrying about my face. I was out cold in less than a minuet. It was interesting to find out though, that you can't get an unconscious person out of one of those suits without practically getting in it with them. I woke up on the floor, still in the suit with Dave most of the way inside it with me and the spider. Much thrashing and rolling around proceeded in our desperate attempts to get out.
I think I'll also leave out the way I was initiated to the department. I scrubbed in for my first time there and went through the air locks to the first set of secure clean rooms. Everything went smoothly and I was quite happy assisting some of the senior lab techs, when someone past me a couple of ampoules and one of them broke. The silence that followed was taken over seconds later by a mad dash to the doors and the ear piercing alarm. The doors locked and panic ripped through the rooms. As I stood there staring at the ampoule desperately trying to think what on earth I had in my hand, I could hear the frantic screaming over the intercoms and the pounding of some techs at the door. The sobbed
"I CAN'T LET YOU OUT.....YOU KNOW THAT.....I'M SORRY"
did nothing, absolutely nothing to ease the sudden loose feeling in my bowls and my pounding heart rate. I was seconds from passing out/shitting myself/vomiting, when all the noise suddenly stopped, only to be replaced by back slapping and raucous laughter. The ampoule was in fact water, the doors were never locked, the alarm was an air pressure alarm that you can manually set off from out side. I vaguely remember someone helping me up from the floor.
Eventually.
These are just a mere few of the things not being included in the report.
Fuckers.
User Reviews
Submitted by vexx (user info) at 2009-09-23 10:12:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W.
Is B@W even relevant on this site anymore?
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2009-09-23 08:18:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ohh, you.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-09-23 06:52:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2009-09-23 00:11:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SO if you give healthcare to the poor, then who's next? It's a slippery slope. Bears? Are you gonna give health care to BEARS? Are you gonna give free medicine to a 500 kilogram monster that at that instant is TRYING TO EAT YOUR FUCKING FACE. Is that what Balack Saddam Osama wants with America? 20 billion bears on welfare spending all their food stamps on YOUR FACE. "I'll have 10 buckets of YOUR PRETTY FUCKING FACE PLEASE" and here's a food stamp, Signed by Comrade Balack Adolf Goebbels Hitler Hussein Stalin Osama saying "ONE FREE FACE FOR EVERY WELFARE CHEATING ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT BEAR" and the constitution, the CONSTITUTION that says you can't cut the bear's arms off because of the 2nd amendment and OH DEAR we can't possibly go against what a group of tax-dodging super-liberal English toffs said FOUR HUNDRED FUCKING YEARS AGO. So while your on the ground and the bear is stuffing his bloody fucking food stamps into what's left of your mouth while simultaneously chowing down on that plain assortment of features you've sort of enjoyed looking at in the mirror for the last few decades, I want you to take one final look at the sky and say:
"THANKYOU MR OSAMA. THANKS FOR GIVING ALL OUR RIGHTS TO THE FUCKING BEARS"
____
wow....just WOW.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2009-09-23 05:03:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your job sounds hella fun. I just sit at my desk reading a selection of 3 or 4 websites, checking them over and over for new, vaguely interesting content.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-09-23 02:48:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're going for 500 reviews? haha. Here you go here is another one.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2009-09-23 00:36:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2009-09-23 00:11:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SO if you give healthcare to the poor, then who's next? It's a slippery slope. Bears? Are you gonna give health care to BEARS? Are you gonna give free medicine to a 500 kilogram monster that at that instant is TRYING TO EAT YOUR FUCKING FACE. Is that what Balack Saddam Osama wants with America? 20 billion bears on welfare spending all their food stamps on YOUR FACE. "I'll have 10 buckets of YOUR PRETTY FUCKING FACE PLEASE" and here's a food stamp, Signed by Comrade Balack Adolf Goebbels Hitler Hussein Stalin Osama saying "ONE FREE FACE FOR EVERY WELFARE CHEATING ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT BEAR" and the constitution, the CONSTITUTION that says you can't cut the bear's arms off because of the 2nd amendment and OH DEAR we can't possibly go against what a group of tax-dodging super-liberal English toffs said FOUR HUNDRED FUCKING YEARS AGO. So while your on the ground and the bear is stuffing his bloody fucking food stamps into what's left of your mouth while simultaneously chowing down on that plain assortment of features you've sort of enjoyed looking at in the mirror for the last few decades, I want you to take one final look at the sky and say:
"THANKYOU MR OSAMA. THANKS FOR GIVING ALL OUR RIGHTS TO THE FUCKING BEARS"
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2009-09-22 22:55:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant! Almost makes me wish I had a job.
Submitted by Cakes (user info) at 2009-09-22 22:15:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by moopy4u (user info) at 2009-09-22 20:45:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lol cool.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2009-09-22 20:26:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best thing on Uber in a long time.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-09-22 18:48:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2009-09-22 18:37:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to work where you work. I also want to shit where you eat.
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wtf?!
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2009-09-22 18:43:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2009-09-22 18:37:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to work where you work. I also want to shit where you eat.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-09-22 17:23:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-09-22 17:21:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Folks like us have the best stories, LM. Healthcare...providing cocktail party stories since I don't know when.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-09-22 17:07:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i dunno LM, just lately, every time i am on here the hot topic is US healthcare
or worse still religion
boobs count for little nowadays
however your might break the mold
:)
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-09-22 16:56:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-09-22 16:48:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That sounds like fun, LM.
To be fair, alos, it's a sad fact that the posts about privatising US healthcare will get more traffic than tits.
Virgin geeks.
______
Hang on....wait....what?!
Did you mean it that way round?
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2009-09-22 16:54:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like you need to go back there with a shotgun and get some revenge.
Make sure you think of loads of awesome lines to say before you fire each shot.
Submitted by GroundHorse (user info) at 2009-09-22 16:52:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-09-22 16:48:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That sounds like fun, LM.
To be fair, alos, it's a sad fact that the posts about privatising US healthcare will get more traffic than tits.
Virgin geeks.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-09-22 16:29:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
For chrissakes, I can go fuck one of my mommy neighbors with a lot less effort than trying to scare up 500 reviews.
You have a much better shot at 500 reviews WITH a new rack shot.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-09-22 16:25:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
With the traffic on uber these days, it was supposed to be an unattainable number.
Don't make me find you and duck tape oven gloves to your hands orphy!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-09-22 16:16:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha oh poor LM I have all night and I'd love to see your boobage again :)
I am sure i am not alone
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-09-22 16:16:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
500 reviews eh?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-09-22 16:14:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Getting this any post to most heated nowadays is like trying to score skag in glasgow - fuck easy
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-09-22 16:14:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If this gets over 500 reviews I'll post you a new tit shot.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-09-22 16:12:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-09-22 21:11:13 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
Time for a new rack shot, Toots.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-09-22 16:11:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Time for a new rack shot, Toots.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-09-22 16:10:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Most heated maybe?
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-09-22 16:10:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Of course you have one, what on earth have you been talking out of otherwise?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-09-22 16:09:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't have an arse. I'm white. It's just leg leg leg back back.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-09-22 16:08:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Pack it in now Fakey or I'll stick my foot right up your arse.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-09-22 16:07:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's the Found I'm curious about is all
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-09-22 16:07:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When you say 'found you looking at child porn' - what Precisely do you mean?
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-09-22 15:35:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The thing is, Uber is undefendable that what's brilliant about it.
Once I made the silly mistake of trying to explain uber to a boyfriend when he found me on here one day. The fallout was epic. People just do not understand unless they find it for themselves. I actually think it might have been better had he found me checking out child porn from the way he reacted.
So remember every one. The first rule of uber.......YOU DO NOT TALK etc.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2009-09-22 15:31:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
reminds me of the really nasty tricks that the members of my departments small bomb squad used to play on each other...and sometimes, on us
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-09-22 15:26:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-09-22 20:21:06 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
You are a lesson to everyone Joey! You did pop into my head as I deleted a paragraph or two from this before posting it
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In hindsight, it was quite comical. They even asked me if I knew "this bart fellow".
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-09-22 15:21:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-09-22 15:13:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-09-22 16:28:04 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not stupid enough to post up the really bad things.
---------
I, evidently, am.
You should have seen the look on people's faces at the disciplinary hearing which resulted in me resigning.
There was my senior manager, 2 guys from HR, my union rep and an 'independant' witness to record the hearing.
The HR guys, presenting the evidence, read aloud several posts of mine, along with other posts to 'highlight the warped nature of the website that the member of staff had been accessing through a company computer'.
Those other posts included PFF's "rapemadness", Electro's "paid in full" and Wazza's "re:16 y/olds".
When they read out that last one, the look of sheer confusion on their faces was priceless.
I'm better off without them.
_________
You are a lesson to everyone Joey! You did pop into my head as I deleted a paragraph or two from this before posting it.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-09-22 15:13:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-09-22 16:28:04 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not stupid enough to post up the really bad things.
---------
I, evidently, am.
You should have seen the look on people's faces at the disciplinary hearing which resulted in me resigning.
There was my senior manager, 2 guys from HR, my union rep and an 'independant' witness to record the hearing.
The HR guys, presenting the evidence, read aloud several posts of mine, along with other posts to 'highlight the warped nature of the website that the member of staff had been accessing through a company computer'.
Those other posts included PFF's "rapemadness", Electro's "paid in full" and Wazza's "re:16 y/olds".
When they read out that last one, the look of sheer confusion on their faces was priceless.
I'm better off without them.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-09-22 15:02:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-09-22 14:58:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-09-22 13:12:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*hums the tune from 2001*
When you tried to open the door did they say "I'm sorry LM, I'm afraid I can't do that"
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2009-09-22 11:32:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That's a fair point. Still, you really should be sharing about the time they replaced the salt in the shaker with grains of cancer.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-09-22 11:28:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2009-09-22 11:21:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sounds like you're getting off lightly.
______
To be fair hurty, I'm not stupid enough to post up the really bad things. One day someone's going from work is going to find this and I don't love uber anywhere near enough to get nailed for it.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-09-22 11:22:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Without a doubt the best post on here in ages. :)
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2009-09-22 11:21:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sounds like you're getting off lightly.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-09-22 11:05:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are just super.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-09-22 10:45:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh hee!
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-09-22 10:43:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-09-22 10:37:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, hospital work...good times. Good times.
_____
Or....the quickest way to a nervous break down.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-09-22 10:37:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, hospital work...good times. Good times.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-09-22 10:35:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-09-22 10:35:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-09-22 22:32:49 WST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha ha. Farted in your air supply. This is what happens when you have socialized medicine.
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I just peed in my knickers a bit.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-09-22 10:32:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha ha. Farted in your air supply. This is what happens when you have socialized medicine.