Not Very Scary (656 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.3 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by frankthebear (View user info) at 2009-09-15 03:51:39 EDT
It was a dark and stormy night, Terry and Julie, walking home from Waterloo Station, were bathed in the light of the full moon shining down from the clear night sky. Terry was reflecting how strange it was that Halloween was taking place on Friday the 13th this year, while Julie was having her arm gnawed off by a passing zombie.
Arriving home, Terry unlocked the front door and held it open for Julie, as she would have had trouble doing this herself while carrying a bag of groceries and not having two arms. Inside, the house was dark and spooky because Terry hadn't paid the electric bill, using the money instead to buy the new pair of shotguns loaded with silver bullets to drive away the roaming bands of vampire bikers from Jupiter.
Suddenly a scream rent the air as Julie realized she had forgotten to buy tampons and she was a heavy bleeder. Sure enough Terry noticed that the force of her scream had started Julie flowing again. In seconds the carpet was drenched with blood, and Terry regretted closing the front door. That at least would have allowed the blood to go outside, even if it would attract the giant leeches that lived under the front porch.
Julie sprinted to the kitchen to get a mop and a bucket to clean up the mess and to sit on, meanwhile Terry turned on the television to watch the evening news. Another sasquatch attack on the White House, dinosaurs rampaging through the Vatican, aliens anally probing motorists trapped in the rush hour traffic jams, same old same old...
Just then the doorbell rang. "Someone's at the door, Jules!" he called, not thrilled with the prospect of getting up off the couch and wading through an ankle-deep pool of blood. Julie opened the door, and inadvertently washed away a group of trick-or-treaters in a wave of red. Just as well, Terry wanted to eat the candy himself anyway.
Then the phone rang. "Hello?" said Terry after picking it up, because it would have been silly to say it before picking it up. "Hello Terry, this is the bank. You no longer have any money because we spent it on new shotguns loaded with silver bullets to drive away the Loch Ness Monster."
"That's ok," said Terry, "I already bought new shotguns too." He hung up and was immediately eaten by Julie who had finally turned into a zombie because she was sick and tired of trying to mop up a flood of her own blood with only one arm.
It was the best Christmas ever!
User Reviews
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2009-10-08 03:47:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
here, let this stand as an honerable mention in gruberfest, even though I'm already out
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-09-21 14:49:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2009-09-17 00:59:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I just realized I missed my 3rd Uberthday. yay me.
Submitted by willartstorg (user info) at 2009-09-16 20:44:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GroundHorse (user info) at 2009-09-16 11:50:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Don't fuck with horse.
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2009-09-16 08:29:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
in retrospect, I'm very glad I chose not to use the word "menstrual"
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-09-15 21:57:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good for you. This didn't suck at all!!!
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-09-15 12:10:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-09-15 10:25:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this made me scrunch up my nose.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-09-15 07:25:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminded me of that scary movie. You know, Biodome.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2009-09-15 04:57:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2009-09-15 04:08:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
+2 from your normal rating.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2009-09-15 03:57:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
win.