Farmers markets bring out the worst in people. (866 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: 1.17 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tom (View user info) at 2009-09-14 21:13:46 EDT
For the past nine months, I've been working for a nonprofit that specializes in sustainability. It exists, essentially, to make conservation more affordable and practical through a variety of concepts and projects. The nonprofit's director created a farmers market when she first came onto the team in March. This was a particularly cool farmers market (as far as farmers markets go) in that all of the participants have farms that are under three acres in size, everything is grown organically without the use of chemical pesticides or fertilizers, and they're all local. The market furthers from us is about 20 miles away.
So it's a pretty great concept.
Anyway, our director had to leave us. She originally wanted to help the community pursue more sustainable options, but her path in life ended up taking her elsewhere, so as mysteriously as she appeared, she left.
Tom was upgraded to market manager.
Being the market manager is neat. I'm sure my mother gushes to her friends, "Not only is his job to save the world, but he also manages a farmers market," and I can see her chunky, curly haired friends oohing and aahing at how much of a fucking success I am. But it allows me to make interesting contacts, and it exposes me to histrionics that can only be put forth by farmers market people.
The first market day passes and I feel great. Loaded with coffee, I put on my former director's apron and start parading myself around the main downtown artery, talking to people and having a grand old time. By the way, you might think it's gay to wear an apron, and you're almost definitely correct in this assertion, but as Haley, one of my core market volunteers put it, "I saw you from about a block away, saw that you were wearing an apron and thought, 'Oh shit, Tom's in charge.'" I like feeling like I'm in charge, but when I start getting these big-headed feelings, I remind myself that it's just a fucking farmers market, and I shouldn't feel any more powerful than the manager at a 7 Eleven. In fact, marginally less powerful than a gas station manager. So essentially, I have no sway under any circumstance in my life, but I'll be damned if I don't have dreams. But I get to wear the fucking boss apron and I don't care how jealous of me you are. Suck it. If you want to wear the boss apron, you can start your own fucking farmers market. Until then, I wear the fucking apron around here.
For some reason, today the market hysterics reached critical mass. I want to state for the record that I think all the farmers are cool as hell. This amused the hell out of me though. After I set up the market, it pretty much sustains itself and I go back to my office to watch episodes of King of the Hill on Hulu.com. I generally waltz over every thirty minutes to make sure that people are still happy.
I walk down, and people aren't happy. One of the marketeers immediately approaches me and says, "We are dead today!" I look around and notice a complete lack of people buying vegetables. "We've had maybe six customers today." I nod my head and say something to the effect of, "Yeah, that's a bummer. I bet it'll pick up during the lunch hour." It totally did pick up during the lunch hour but nothing substantial. Then she states that she might not come next week. Then goes to every farmer and says "Are you going to come next week?" and all of them said yes. So finally she stops pacing and says, "Okay, well I guess I'll still come next week."
I love the farmers. But if you don't show up, it's not like I'm going to be damaged. It's a farmers market. It's not even cost effective. I don't charge anyone to be a vendor. Being a nonprofit, we raised funds to cover the city permit for our location. If the market died forever, we'd be out 100 bucks. Oh. Well.
The market ends, we close it down, and I return to my office for my usual Monday afternoon puttering, which involved writing, copying, episodes of Family Guy, and the usual office shit. The phone rings, and I answer it. The first thing I hear is panting and I immediately know that what's about to happen to me is going to be awesome.
"Hello." Says the voice on the line. "Is this the phone number that I call to reach the farmers market?"
"Yes. How may I help you?"
"I want to speak to the FACILITATOR of the farmers market." This bitch was pissed.
"That's me. What can I help you with?"
"I want to know what you did with the farmers market."
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
"I'm sorry, I don't follow."
"There was no market in the park today and the newspaper said that this is the number to reach that market."
"Well, no, that's a different market. I run the one downtown, not in the park." Keep in mind there are 14 farmers markets in the city.
"Well that's not what the paper said and I want to know why you would move the market from that nice park to an area that is so congested with traffic and inconvenient for me?"
"Ma'am, we're talking about two different markets. I have nothing to do with that market."
"Well the newspaper said..."
"Okay, I'll tell you what," you fucking cunt. "Why don't you let me make a call and we'll see if I can get to the bottom of this mystery."
"Okay great."
"Can I get your name and phone number?"
So I hang up and finish the episode of Family Guy I was watching before phoning that market's facilitator. I know what you're probably thinking. "I want to whack it to some hentai right now." Well stop it. That's not cool. Stop thinking about that. You might also be thinking, "Why are you doing all this for some crabby old bitch anyway?" I'll tell you why. It's because I'm nice. And I'm also fucking bored.
This story is getting stupid and boring, but essentially I told this incredulous whore to just call them herself. Did I resolve any situations? No. I simply handed it off to someone else. And yes, it appears that I am prepped for a job in government.
Nice to see you all again, by the way. I'll post again in a few years.
And if one of you chodes doesn't tell me that it'll be a wonderful few years without my moronic ramblings, I'm going to be pissed.
User Reviews
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-09-21 14:52:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
3247 hf937 13
\t
13t31 5t
13
1y5u
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2009-09-20 14:06:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Can you get beefy sausages at the farmers' market?
Submitted by Cakes (user info) at 2009-09-18 00:18:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This almost got a 1 because you used the word "neat" in the "Leave It To Beaver" way. (BTW, "Leave It To Beavers" is not a bad porno.)
We had our own patio garden this year, and grew humongous knobby cucumbers.
I've been staying home a lot sense then.
-Miss Cakes
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2009-09-17 23:03:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Good ol' Uncle Shlongy.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-09-17 12:32:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That's Shlongy for ya...Looking out for the safety of your sphincter.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2009-09-16 16:23:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah. I would never use store-bought cucumbers for rectal punishment. I don't want those pesticides in my ass.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-09-16 15:28:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Take one of those organic cucumbers and stick it far up your ass.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-09-16 09:48:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I want this to be awesome, but it's just not.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-09-16 06:43:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good, but needs more neurotic narrative.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2009-09-16 06:18:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Yeah I too went to work and shurked all and any resonsability.
I did not, however, wear an apron.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-09-15 10:54:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
not so. bird and bird are bad parents is a gem.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2009-09-15 10:44:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was always under the impression that my posts never really went anywhere.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2009-09-15 10:43:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Boss apron.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-09-15 10:39:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love farmers markets.
I also liked this post...though it didn't really go anywhere.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-09-15 03:47:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-09-15 02:50:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin' hippy. Make mum proud, have a wash.
Also, what Ashy said.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2009-09-15 02:28:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It depends on a lot of different aspects. Where you are, how open to street markets your city is (some towns have ordinances against sidewalk vendors). It's best to call your city or downtown planner and talk about it. The vendors are usually pretty relaxed. You can also find other area markets that may have gone through the steps already.
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2009-09-15 00:52:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you help her set up the market from jumpstreet? We're trying to get a FM together where I live any tips? What king of permit do you have to pull?
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2009-09-14 23:50:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
maybe not the kicker of all ass, but the apron thing definitely more than made me smile
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2009-09-14 23:41:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
let the healing begin.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2009-09-14 23:36:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Okay.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2009-09-14 23:34:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you dont love me tom, you dislike me. i think you might want to think about stopping auto-erotic asphyxiating yourself with the apron.
for your own safety, PUT. THE. APRON. DOWN.
Submitted by CyanStars (user info) at 2009-09-14 23:25:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2009-09-14 21:48:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh yeah? Well you're Australian. How's it feel to be upside down? No wonder you people are so weird. All that fucking blood in your brains. Maybe if you tied an apron off on your neck you could appropriate your circulation a little better.
I'm sorry. I love you, diddy q.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2009-09-14 21:46:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
'worst'?
this isnt even mildly below averagely sort of not cool.
you needed to make up something to make this a bit more 'worst'. that apron has gotten to your head and dulled your sensibilities.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2009-09-14 21:43:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What the fuck ever. Also, anyone notice my fucking grammar blunder in the first paragraph or two? Yeah, I love myself.
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-09-14 21:39:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-09-14 21:29:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"King Of The Hill" totally sucks. Actually, so does "Family Guy." Sorry, I'm a "South Park" fan.
Um, this was kinda funny. Unfortunately, I'm guessing it was also totally accurate.
You should have lied at the ending - added a Zombie Attack, a pair of 18 year old Brazilian Prostitutes, and a talking Emu sidekick.
Uber probably would have liked it more...