Visiting the old alma mater! (324 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: -1.46 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mambo About To Strike! (View user info) at 2009-09-07 20:50:54 EDT
Fuck so there I was struttin' round my old campus as a visiting alumni! I was having a wonderful time showing off my letterman jacket (my only article of clothing apart from my hello kitty hairband) and picking up freshmen chicks with great lines! "Hey baby" I said to this one chick who I thought was cute even though she had been gagging and vomitting from the stench of my necrotic flesh and intra-dermal layer of diamond hard crystalized feces that formed the support structure of my body ever since my bones were removed after a botched attempt to fuse them with adamantium before she ever heard my voice. "How would you like to be my personal punchingbag slash fuck toy and be slowly destroyed by the power of my ultimate cock?"
After being REJECTED by over one hundred violently ill coeds (must be something going around, huh?) I headed over to my old fraternity house. I opened the door which was so flimsy it vaporized in a cloud of disassmbled molecules when I used the magic frat handshake (close all five fingers, extend hand directly in front of body) and was all like "Hey guys what's goin on???" All my bros and homebois were ecstatic with joy to see the most famous triple digamma in the world who also happened to be the most famous serial killer in the world AND Obama's hand picked Insurrance Czar in charge of making pre-existining conditions a phrase of the past... by executing the sick and elderly! I wasn't actually going to accept the appointment, but I knew that my country needed me... to give them the nuclear disarm codes after I accidently armed and planted several radialogical devices in major cities by accident. Also Al Queda became the first private organization to become a nuclear power around the same time... by accident. Anyfuck, they were so happy to see me they immediately purged their bodies of waste, orally, rectally, and bladderally to make themselves pure enough to stand in my presense! This pleased me so I handed them all some BEER I found in the fridge, which had weird crumpled parts everywhere I touched and didn't close right, because nothing beats having some brewskies with your broskies and when I grabbed the entire case with my enourmous, muscled fingers the glass and liquid inside instantly crumpled into mini-black holes which where absorbed into my already sigularity dense musculature. They didn't mind of course because it's the thought that counts and also I made a stretching motion displaying the luger I kept stuffed in my pants crotch!
I started to get shy knowing how much these guys worshipped me so I stood there staring at them for over twenty minutes not saying anything at all, slowly grabbing and releasing the grip on my luger over and over and when one of them even dared to move a single inch I shot him a glance so intense his psyche couldn't handle it and his mind was literally wiped blank leaving him a soulless vegitable for the rest of his life. Finally I broke the ice by laughing for over ten minutes and when I woke up from my revelry I realized one of them had finally worked up the courage to ask if I was really an alumni and when I told him I had a BA in liberal arts. Technically I actually got my degree from a two week correspondence course in Cook County Prison from University of Joliet, Illinois and not MIT where we currently were but I really didn't see the difference. "I don't see the difference!" I screamed at the top of my lungs while stamping my feet for emphasis and the sharp nasal tone of my voice immediately commanded respect (or something) from my frat broz or maybe it was the fact that I was throwing a tantrum and bawling like a baby!
Suddenly he said "You know liberal arts isn't a REAL degree?" and at that I was filled with the purest, most ultimate white-hot anger any being had ever concieved of in the history of the universe and I whipped around so fast that time curved around my body forming a massive time bubble and I threw a punch at his god damn face so fast that my the friction of my fist against the air caused the aptmosphere to ignite and terrific flames immediately sprung forth and burned all the oxygen and the entire biosphere was completely erradicated in a radius of hundreds of miles around the campus and all life that wasn't immediately vaporized suffocated to death in the most horrificly painful way imaginable. While this was going on I passed out for thousands of milleniums due to me sucking my thumb, because of my mental inability to handle criticism, so hard I smashed myself in the face with my fist. Later I found out that the time bubble had burst sending the destruction reverberating backwards and forwards in time where it caused the apocolypse in the future and wiped out the dinosaurs in past and scientists had later discovered a crater in the Yucatan matching the exact dimensions of the time bubble while the collasping building piled me under miles of rubble as the plate tectonics shifted.
When I finally came to eons later completely unscathed and brushed billions of tons of earth off my body like a light blanket, I looked around with my omnicence and saw nobody around in the entire cosmos and howled in pure anguish, for there was no one left for me to torture until the fundamental laws of the universe changed my magnificent invincibleness at the end of time allowing me to feel pain for the first time in my existance which passed through all points in time and space through my central vantage point and begat every bit of misery and anguish ever experienced throughout every multiverse in the megaverse in every being ever to exist including YOU!
It was THEN that The Great One's work truly BEGAN! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!
PS: This story is TRUE! If you don't believe me then YOU ARE SHIT!!!
User Reviews
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-11-07 11:57:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"E" for effort
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-09-24 17:37:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by zeppert (user info) at 2009-09-24 17:16:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Yep. This post still fucking sucks.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-09-24 14:22:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by willartstorg (user info) at 2009-09-08 11:46:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-09-08 10:50:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
double posting is cool.
Submitted by 8bithero (user info) at 2009-09-08 09:13:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So, this is that Gayvid Gerrod (what the fuck ever)? Another alter of an alter.
Why the fuck are there so many ad lib posts. Random words strung together barely forming coherent sentences. All very Majul Cartoons like and not even the least bit entertaining, funny, witty, or intelligent.
It's like these fuckwits just slam their greasy palms on the key boards and delete anything with red squigglies below them.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-09-08 07:57:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2009-09-08 07:48:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Erin_Esurance (user info) at 2009-09-08 07:29:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Gayvid_Gerrold (user info) at 2009-09-08 06:44:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, a breath of fresh air on this stuffy old site!
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2009-09-08 05:27:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-09-08 05:20:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
before the last two lines this was a -1, after reading them, this is a - gazillion
Submitted by darkwulffe (user info) at 2009-09-08 05:03:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment