Office Shares Are Hit and Miss (1045 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.87 on 50 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Nath (w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m) (View user info) at 2009-08-20 09:32:36 EDT
Since the economy went tits up last year, our office has suffered the same as most. We went from 379 staff to 160. As a percentage that's loads%, which has lead to a lot of space.
People were scattered all over, with empty desks separating them. A few took advantage and built little empires out of stationary and filing cabinets and we did end up with a few battles between realms, which brought the staff down to 140. Eventually we brought in a peace keeping force (the A-Team) who managed to unite the office without shooting anyone.
One of their suggestions was bringing everyone in together and making us sit closer to each other. This resulted in over half the office being deserted, desolate and lonely. It added to the depression that had already been caused by seeing our friends fall to the economy or fights over land. In short, fuck the A-Team, they don't know shit.
When we received an email telling us all to go to the main meeting room we dreaded what could be happening. The last six times this had happened it had been to tell us that more layoffs were on the way and that management "envisage this being the last time we need to do this". An hour later we actually all felt a lot better.
Instead of getting rid off people, they had a good clean out, found a few brain cells and put them to good use. In order to save money they would start renting out the half of the office that wasn't being used. They didn't tell us who would be moving in, but that it would be happening the following week.
Excitement was in the air. Some were praying for a lingerie model agency, others for a chocolate tasting workshop. Personally I was praying for a penguin, pug and fireworks warehouse. I barely slept the entire weekend, just wondering who our new neighbours would be.
I rocked into work on Monday morning (nothing special there, I rock everywhere all the time. It's just how I roll, bitches) with anticipation. I walked up to Liz on reception and asked about the new arrivals.
"I've been told they'll arrive just before lunch." She told me, looking as excited as the botoxed face covered in fake orange tan could allow her too.
"What are you hoping for?" I asked her on my way past.
"Tanning studio." She answered.
"No shit, you trollop." I thought.
The whole morning there was excited chattering going on everywhere as people speculated on what it could be and who would arrive with them. One person mentioned it could just be a financial company, like in a real office, but we labelled him as Captain Buzzkill and killed him (139 and dropping). By the time we had added Captain Buzzkill to the mass grave in the little meeting room and destroy any evidence of him ever working with us word spread that the new people were on their way up.
A very subtle looking group of nearly 100 of us gathered around reception, dribbling at both ends with anticipation. One woman actually achieved orgasm, but she looks so hideous we all agreed that it had never happened.
Finally there was a ping from the lifts, and we heard the doors slid open. Out of the lift stumbled a group of Vikings.
They turned to look at the lift as if it were some magical device that had transported them between worlds. One actually screamed at it being a demonic tool and proceeded to axe at the doors, ripping the metal apart. A few more joined in the assault until they felt satisfied that the beast had been slain.
"Aye, men!" Shouted the one I assumed to be their leader. "That's good work."
They all turned towards us and approached the glass doors to reception. Now these doors are annoying in that they have a handle on both sides, but only open one way. The head Viking was caught out just like most other people on their first visit to the office. However his handling of the situation was somewhat different.
When his pull had no effect he took it as a personal insult and head butted the door. While it was an achievement in one respect (the door swung open), it still managed to shatter the glass so that when it bounced on the hinge it broke into countless pieces and scattered all over the floor.
"Aye!" He yelled, and then let out a victorious cry as he stepped over the remains of his fallen foe. He was followed by the rest of his tribe over the threshold and into our office.
As the leader approached the reception desk I took a look around. Now there were less than 20 of us looking on in disbelief. The rest of his men stayed back, forming a protective ring, covering all angles in case of ambush, while the leader looked to Liz.
"Could you please tell us where our section is?" He was very polite, but that was probably more out of confusion over what creature the orange Liz really was.
Without a word she pointed to the left.
"Many thanks, wench." He said with a gentlemanly nod. "Come on men!" Instantly they broke formation and cheered back to him. "Pillaging awaits!"
"What the fuck are they going to pillage?" Rick leaned in to ask me, like this was my area of expertise.
"No clue." I couldn't pull my eyes away from the situation in front of me. Again their leader shattered the glass door into their side of the office, which was promptly followed by more cheers from his men.
I don't believe I'm coward by any measure, but when it comes to fucking with Vikings I decided to just leave it be and returned to my desk. My curiosity was fighting with me, begging to see what was going on and what they were doing, but I manage to fight it.
Three hours later I hadn't left my desk, but hadn't been able to concentrate fully on doing any work. Any time I tried to focus that little curious bastard in my brain reared up and started asking me questions.
Eventually it got too much and I had to visit them. I covered the short distance from my desk to the Viking's new land and was shocked by what I saw.
All the desks that had been supplied were piled up in one corner, with the smallest of the Vikings hacking away at them, making a pile of fire wood. In the now clear space in the centre of the office there was a cosy looking wood fire burning with a carcass slowly roasting above it. This was surrounded by the men sitting on the office chairs ripping away at already cooked meat, all washed down with clay tankards filled with something. I assumed it to be ale of some kind.
Their leader saw me approach and let his hand slip down to his axe handle. Panic gripped me and yet I couldn't stop my feet from carrying me forwards, the curiosity now stronger than my will to live.
As other eyes saw the leader staring at me it wasn't long before all talk had ceased and everyone was looking towards me, meat juices and beer dripping from beards.
The leader got to his feet and lifted the axe from the ground and casually placed it over his shoulder, blade next to the back of his head. In just a few giant strides he made his over to me and stared at me with a terrifyingly evil look in his eyes.
I was frozen to the spot.
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To be continued
User Reviews
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2009-09-03 08:50:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-08-24 16:02:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't get past the first line. But "economy...tits up" made me smile hugely, and I don't want to risk being disappointed. So I'm leaving this and moving on.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-08-24 14:50:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I never want to meet you for fear that you wouldn't be anything like the Nath in my mind's eye.
Submitted by benderpress (user info) at 2009-08-24 11:07:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by benderpress (user info) at 2009-08-24 11:06:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well played.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-08-24 08:11:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Orange people piss me off. They should go out, get a tan and deal with the melanoma-ey consequences. Instead of wandering around looking like escaped tall oompa loompas, besides what is wrong with being pale?
Submitted by spuj (user info) at 2009-08-24 07:23:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-08-23 11:11:51 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
"One woman actually achieved orgasm, but she looks so hideous we all agreed that it had never happened."
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This moved me.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-08-23 06:11:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"One woman actually achieved orgasm, but she looks so hideous we all agreed that it had never happened."
---------------
This moved me.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-08-23 00:13:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Deadliest warriors
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2009-08-21 17:14:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking cliffhanger
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2009-08-21 13:46:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2009-08-21 09:35:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i
love
this
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-08-21 08:48:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nothing special there, I rock everywhere all the time. It's just how I roll, bitches
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2009-08-21 06:08:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2009-08-21 00:28:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny, people complain about Uber sucking these days, but I read just as many quality new posts as I used to.
Maybe it's because I don't have the time to sit on the front page refreshing every 2 minutes, desperately waiting for something new to pop up.
I think what I'm getting at here is that if you think Uber sucks worse than it used to, you probably have no life.
Good post, btw.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2009-08-21 00:28:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny, people complain about Uber sucking these days, but I read just as many quality new posts as I used to.
Maybe it's because I don't have the time to sit on the front page refreshing every 2 minutes, desperately waiting for something new to pop up.
I think what I'm getting at here is that if you think Uber sucks worse than it used to, you probably have no life.
Good post, btw.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2009-08-20 19:17:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been looking into Viking jobs lately. I imagine it's a recession-proof career option.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-08-20 19:11:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2009-08-20 16:49:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I call shenannigans... How could a bunch of Vikings pay for rent???
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With the gold attained from plundering rich, coastal towns.
Duh.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-08-20 18:42:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
WHAT'S IN YOUR WALLET?!?!?!?!
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2009-08-20 18:32:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2009-08-20 18:15:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2009-08-20 16:49:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I call shenannigans... How could a bunch of Vikings pay for rent???
----------------------------
That made me laugh.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-08-20 16:57:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Take lessons guys, THOSE are real men!
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2009-08-20 16:49:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I call shenannigans... How could a bunch of Vikings pay for rent???
Submitted by darkwulffe (user info) at 2009-08-20 16:35:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very funny, cant wait till next installment
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2009-08-20 16:27:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
reads like a Capital One commercial
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-08-20 15:16:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-20 15:05:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
read it now.
was peter schmeichel there?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-08-20 14:47:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh.
i think you should join forces with them in episode two. slaughter orange liz. teach them how to pillage from a vending machine.
Submitted by Sturgeons_Law (user info) at 2009-08-20 13:03:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-20 13:00:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2009-08-20 10:27:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you sure they're Vikings? You shouldn't make sweeping generalisations in the workplace, the cripples in HR will have you for it.
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I hate people that make sweeping generalisations.
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-08-20 12:54:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2009-08-20 12:39:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And people say nothing good is ever posted on Uber anymore...
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2009-08-20 12:23:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . _________
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ./ It's a trap! \
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . _,,,--~~~~~~~~--,_ . . . .\ ._________/
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . ,-' : : : :::: :::: :: : : : : :º '-, . . \/. . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . .,-' :: : : :::: :::: :::: :::: : : :o : '-, . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . ,-' :: ::: :: : : :: :::: :::: :: : : : : :O '-, . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . .,-' : :: :: :: :: :: : : : : : , : : :º :::: :::: ::'; . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . .,-' / / : :: :: :: :: : : :::: :::-, ;; ;; ;; ;; ;; ;; ;\ . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . /,-',' :: : : : : : : : : :: :: :: : '-, ;; ;; ;; ;; ;; ;;| . . . . . . .
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. . . . .\,/ /|\\| | :/ / : : : : : : : ,'-, :: :: :: :: ::,--'' :,-' \ \ . . . . . . . .
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Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-08-20 11:57:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, sadly, there aren't any naked vikings in that movie.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-08-20 11:49:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-08-20 11:47:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I want to watch Erik the Viking.
=======
For the naked, hopped up on drugs part?
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-08-20 11:47:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I want to watch Erik the Viking.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-08-20 11:47:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story, but your picture caption is clearly inaccurate. "Fabio" is the viking here, vikings don't fight in full armor, they fight with their shirt's off. Some of them go into battle naked hopped up on drugs. This is one of the main reasons why people like vikings.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-08-20 11:04:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2009-08-20 11:01:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TechnoRatty (user info) at 2009-08-20 10:49:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I personally enjoy a good pillaging
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2009-08-20 10:27:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you sure they're Vikings? You shouldn't make sweeping generalisations in the workplace, the cripples in HR will have you for it.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2009-08-20 10:08:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Filename too.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-08-20 10:05:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Vikings rock.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2009-08-20 10:04:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for entertaining me while Creative slowly dripfeeds me bits of audiodriver.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2009-08-20 10:04:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-20 10:03:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha!
What games that then?
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God knows.
5 points to the first person to say
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-20 10:03:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha!
What games that then?
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2009-08-20 09:59:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-08-20 09:57:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story...kind of. You should've finished it you mooncalf. That's my new insult. It doesn't really accomplish much, I know, until you look up the definition. So, what do you think? Will it work?
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2009-08-20 09:56:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad it's summer and I have time to actually read this.
Awesome stuff!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2009-08-20 09:48:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kick ass. Vikings rule.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-20 09:40:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry nath, crickets on, read this later.