This is a song for the bride and groom.... (655 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.71 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (View user info) at 2009-08-14 12:25:27 EDT
In response to or inspired by: http://www.ubersite.com/m/123064
I dj at a local bar here that does karaoke. I know how lame that sounds but let me put this in perspective for you: I get paid really well to hang out in the bar, drink, socialize, and occasionally sing. It's still a horrible job sometimes but it's easy and involves beer.
In the course of doing this "job" I've said several things that ended up being a little more "off" than I thought they would be as they were coming out of my mouth but my favorite was the night the wedding party came down from the banquet hall upstairs. I happened to have Fuck Her Gently by Tenacious D queued for me to sing, it's like 12:30 at night, and I think "oh this should be at least a little funny"
The song normally starts with "this is a song for the ladies but fellas listen closely" but I modified it and said "this is a song for the bride and groom but everyone else, listen closely" and then proceeded to sing the song.
If you know the song I hope you might see why I thought it might be funny especially when their timing at showing up right then was so perfect.
"You don't always have to fuck her hard
In fact sometimes that's not right to do
Sometimes you've got to make some love
And fuckin' give her some smooches too"
I see the wedding party squirming already and replay what I said in my mind and think "yeah, still seems funny to me."
"Sometimes you got to squeeze
Sometimes you got to say "Please..."
Sometimes you got to say "Hey..."
I'm gonna fuck you, softly
I'm gonna screw you gently
I'm gonna hump you, sweetly
I'm gonna ball you discretely"
Much of the bar is singing along, some people are laughing and clapping, the wedding party is glowering and as I make eye contact with one of the bridesmaids she says "that's not funny, you're sick"
"And then you say "Hey I brought you flowers"
And then you say "Wait a minute" Sally
"I think I got somethin' in my teeth, could you get it out for me?"
That's fuckin' team work! "
The whole bar, minus the bridal party, belts that last line out in a cheer. The party continues glaring at me and I imagine that I can see the blades coming out of their eyes trying to stab me in the throat. I think to myself "I know this is funny why do they look mad?"
"What's your favorite posish?
That's cool with me
It's not my favorite but I'll do it for you
What's your favorite dish?
I'm not gonna cook it
But I'll order it from Zanzibar!
And then I'm gonna love you completely
And then I fuckin' fuck you discretely
And then I fuckin' bone you completely
But then I'm gonna fuck you hard! (Hard)"
"Haaaaarrrrrrrd!" I finish and the bar applauds and cheers all around this wedding party. I say congratulations and then call the next singer up avoiding eye contact with the wedding party.
Thankfully I didn't have to endure their cruel sharp stares for long because after telling me that I was rude, crass, vulgar, and that that was wholly inappropriate, they all left.
I have to admit I still think it was funny.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-08-19 10:54:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-08-17 12:37:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I was waiting for a punchline that never was delivered here.
By punchline, I mean why were they so pissed off?
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apparently they found my dedication of fuck her gently rude, crass, and vulgarly offensive. in other words they continue the prudish tradition this country was founded on by having thier drawers firnly wedged in thier ass cracks.
Submitted by reginajacks (user info) at 2009-08-15 21:12:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah, i think it's better coming from someone they know rather than some bartender, dude. nothing to bunch them up tho.
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no bartender here, just a DJ but yeah, as a stranger it was too much for them apparently.
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2009-08-15 03:30:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is just fucking shit. Fuck me. Aren't you supposed to be good?
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you're welcome to feel disappointed if you have higher expectations of me. haven't really written anything for a while.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-08-17 12:37:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I was waiting for a punchline that never was delivered here.
By punchline, I mean why were they so pissed off?
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2009-08-16 08:23:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
hhhmmm
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2009-08-16 02:49:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86882
Submitted by reginajacks (user info) at 2009-08-15 21:12:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah, i think it's better coming from someone they know rather than some bartender, dude. nothing to bunch them up tho.
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-08-15 19:50:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This blew.
When something happens in your life which you feel warrants sharing in a post, and it's this boring...
Whoa, dude.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-08-15 11:45:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2009-08-14 14:39:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The D is always appropriate.
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word
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2009-08-15 03:30:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is just fucking shit. Fuck me. Aren't you supposed to be good?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-08-15 01:33:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what badlands said
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2009-08-14 20:44:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Where's the money shot? This little ditty went nowhere.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-08-14 20:32:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-08-14 15:48:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
so she married into this prudishness?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-08-14 15:38:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I knew the bride when she used to rock and roll...
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-08-14 15:29:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-08-14 14:46:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2009-08-14 14:39:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The D is always appropriate.
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-08-14 14:21:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-08-14 14:16:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
looks like last time we had it was 2006.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-08-14 14:14:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Party_school
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-08-14 14:13:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
is that for 2009? they've been trying to quell that image here for as long as i've bene here. maybe they're finally making headway.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-08-14 14:09:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
In order, according to the Princeton Review for "party schools."
Here's the Princeton Review's complete list of top party schools:
1. Pennsylvania State University
2. University of Florida
3. University of Mississippi
4. University of Georgia
5. Ohio University
6. West Virginia University
7. The University of Texas at Austin
8. The University of Wisconsin-Madison
9. Florida State University
10. University of California-Santa Barbara
11. University of Colorado-Boulder
12. University of Iowa
13. Union College
14. Indiana University
15. DePauw University
16. University of Tennessee
17. Sewanee: The University of the South
18. University of North Dakota
19. Tulane University
20. Arizona State University
Read more: http://campuslife.suite101.com/article.cfm/top_american_party_schools_for_20092010#ixzz0OBLXCYKw
I kid you not...years back when I had to go to counseling for a DUI they used PSU as an example on the "treatment video."
WHAT!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-08-14 14:00:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
in wisconsin wedding parties move to a bar after the reception dies down or is closed down(usually midnight). sex is still had after going to the bar. the bar i work in is downstairs from the banquet hall and yes, they all came down in full attire including the bride.
sconnies drink a lot. that's part of the reason i felt right at home when i moved here. The unniversity is often the number one school for drinking or i've seen it listed a couple of times as being ineligible to compete because you can't put ametuers against professionals in such rankings.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2009-08-14 13:41:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Was the bride still in her dress?
Who goes to a bar on their wedding night?
They're certainly NOT fucking, that's for sure.
Maybe it was a marriage of convenience.
He's Canadian, or from Eritrea, and she's his means of staying here.
Or she's gay but her family's conservative and so she found and understanding guy that'll let her lez out on her own time once they cohabitate, provided she split the trust fund that she'll have access to now that she's satisfied their demands to "live a proper life."
Or maybe he's got a miniscule hangdown and she was hoping to get hammered before pretending like the anticipated banging out was the best thing ever.
Should have solved the mystery, bro.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-08-14 12:56:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Super secret decoder ring buddies for life!
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-08-14 12:55:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was amused.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-08-14 12:51:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm disappointed too sico. i'm working on the UGR prize right now but i've been so busy it really hasn't gone anywhere yet. i'll finish it soon though. i'll let you know about it first.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-08-14 12:48:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Man, you can't believe how disappointed I am that there isn't a fucking marvelous, nay... a grandiose, exemplar of intricacy, highly crafted mosaic shown here.
Get your fucking arts and crafts skills up to par, playa!
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2009-08-14 12:33:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!