Tantoo...I made it up. It might mean something. I'd be interested to know. Maybe I'm psychic, or tantric, which means something but I have no idea what, except that maybe it's spiritual, which is probably gay, which would be okay, I guess, I don't know, (1043 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.75 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lungfish (View user info) at 2009-07-04 05:55:19 EDT
Desdemona surprised me tonight. "Dad! Come here!" I walked into her bedroom, which used to be my bedroom, and also the bedroom of my wife, but now it is the bedroom of my wife and Desdemona, as I sleep elsewhere on account of my snoring and the fact that the wife and I don't really get along, but this is besides the point and it's none of your goddamned business anyway, unless you are female and would like to sleep with me, but thanks for being there.
"Dad! Come here!" A pleasant song was playing on the radio. "Can you download this for me?"
"Yeah, I guess...if I can find out who it is." I waited for some lyrics I could Google.
I listened a bit.
"...my breath fogged up the glass, and so I drew a new face and I laughed."
"Okay," I said. "I got it."
I went to my office. I found the song, and a video on Youtube. "Desdemona. Come here." The song was by somebody named Jason Mraz. A bit jazzy, with touches of reggae. Very poppy, but with a nice voice, and an adequate guitar player. Likeable, actually.
We watched, and she smiled throughout the song. I told her I would download it for her and put it onto a CD. She asked if I could also get her that song about being in the desert with a horse with no name. "Sure," I said. "You know Mom and I used to play that song for you every night when you were a baby. You loved it." She smiled more. I told her we'd go see Jason Mraz when and if he came to town.
This is a boring story, I know. But let it be understood that my daughter was really into "country" music about six months ago, so it's kind of important to me. Now, *Country* music is good, and by that, I mean Marty Robbins, Johnny Cash, Chet Atkins, Jimmie Rodgers, Patsy Cline, certain Merle Haggard, and early George Jones. Jerry Jeff Walker, too, if you consider him to be Country, which he's not. Neither is John Prine. Cunts.
But the kid liked somebody named "Taylor" something-or-other. A woman or girl of some sort. I heard a bit of it, and, like all "country" music since about 1980, it was to music as NASCAR is to sports. But she doesn't like that any more, which is a relief.
My girl is growing up.
Okay, I fucking hate "country" music after 1975.
Anyway...sorry for that. Not really, but there it is.
--
I sat on my back porch tonight, drinking and thinking. Alone. Mercifully. Don't get to think much anymore, what with life and all.
The question was posed to me recently: "Which figure from history would you most like to meet?" Without thinking much, I said, "Shakespeare." Why? I like Shakespeare, and I have some questions for him.
So I got to thinking. I imagined me and Shakespeare sitting in some seedy inn in London. "Alright...tell me about Poor Tom in 'King Lear. You know...during the storm scene."
"Dude, I was so fucked up. I have no idea what that shit is about. It's pretty awesome, though, huh?"
"It is, but...really?"
"Really. Absolutely smashed. It was awesome. I'm fucking awesome"
"I always thought you were saying something about religion. You know. Like...something deep. What about religion? You're...like...a nihilist, aren't you? I mean, that was really bold."
"Dude, I'm a fucking Catholic. Catholic as hell. That cunt Elizabeth will cut my head off if I ever say anything meaningful. I can't say shit, or that bitch will have me staring at my dismembered balls, not to mention my peener, shortly before she sticks really hot things up my ass. It's nonsense all the time. That's what I do. I mean, look at 'Midsummer's Night Dream.' Seriously, it's ridiculous. Christ almighty."
He takes a drink. Looks sad. Then, he talks to his beer. "I hate that cunt."
Just then, a pretty blue-eyed blond sixteen-or-so boy walks by, and he says, "Hey...look at that. I'd sure like to give him a pound of flesh. In the pooper, I mean. I'd roger him hard. Ha ha...Roger."
I have no idea what that last joke means, and I start thinking I'd rather hang out with Mark Twain.
--
My wife has been crying off-and-on for a week. Michael Jackson. "What's going on?" I asked.
"He's my age."
In my winning way, I reminded her that she's two years older than Michael Jackson was.
"I could go at any time."
"So could any of us. And Jesus...you're mom's 80. What the hell are you worried about?"
"She hasn't lived the life that I have."
"Well you're not living the life Michael Jackson was."
"I know."
[shakes head]
Now, from the time I was four or five, I know I was going to die. It was upsetting, admittedly, for a day or two, but I got better. I don't know what else to say here, except that I've had fucking Michael Jackson songs in my head for a week. Cracker's coming back to Arizona, though, which should help. Drinks are on me, if you want to join.
--
Politics. It's been fucking hilarious over that last month or so. What entertainment. It's important for liberals to understand, however, that the Democrats today are very similar to the Republicans of 20 years ago. Which is to say, the conservatives have won. There are no, or very few, politically important liberals in any appreciable power today. Bernie Sanders comes to mind. He may be the only liberal in Congress, unless you count Kucinich, who's kind of embarrassing. Laugh, sure, but to think Obama is a liberal is folly. For chrissake he's got Larry Summers as an economic advisor. I told several so-called "liberal" friends last summer that it didn't matter who won the election. They berated me. I am being proven right. Try thinking for a moment what Obama has done that might have been different from what Bush would have done.
The Republicans of today are a total hoot, though. Glorious in their dissolution. I expect (and hope) they're finding that taking on the Christian lunatics was a mistake.
By the way, I'm a liberal, but I am very much a paleo-conservative, in the vein of Gore Vidal...or Eisenhower for that matter. Gross. The vein of Gore Vidal. Gross. I love Gore Vidal. But thinking about his vein is gross.
--
Miscellany, because why the fuck not and I'm now drunk. Puppy is growing up. She's shit on my bed only twice. She thinks it's funny. Not a boxer...at all. I spellchecked the fuck out of this post. I now have 12 cats, I think. I don't know. I like two of them. I'd like to see another fuck/marry/kill post. I like the reviews of Scourge, Danger_Ranger, Berty, Shlongy, Pandora, probably some others I can't think of. I miss Shandy posts. He's on another level. He's like, mystical. What a freak. Facebook is super-gay; I deactivated my account partly because I've been working a lot, and that fucking thing is a time-suck, but also because I really pissed off a couple of evangelical Christians whom I know when I was ten. You see, I lived in southern Missouri until I was 13. Some folks didn't make it out of there. I don't really like pissing people off. Well, I do, but then I don't; I mean, after I sober up. But really, come on, all my fwiends are boring, except for that petite chick with the attitude. Your fweinds are boring, too, and they're not really your friends. My wife's boobs, which used to be manageable, have become freaking huge. This is god, getting back at me. What a dick. We have a proper Tudor marriage. Not me and god, mind you. Me and the big-boobed chick. I will have sex again. I mean it. I have a microscope. And calipers. I never thought Kate Smith was a good singer. Fuck, I'd better add a picture.
User Reviews
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2009-08-08 04:29:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey it occurred to me that that i haven't talked to you in a while and i forgot to tell you that the D-bags are probably the only team in triple A who are worse than the mets. HAHAHAHAHA go fuck yourself. Well of course there are the Nationals; but everybody hates them.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-07-27 23:56:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
These West Coastish night games kill me. But if I must pass out, I must say it's nice to do so with a 6-0 lead;)
Submitted by ArnieGeddon (user info) at 2009-07-10 02:59:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
btw I fucked with your rating
Submitted by ArnieGeddon (user info) at 2009-07-10 02:57:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/95528#2217589
you're easily pleased this is hardly my finest work
bOrt-bart banned me because apollo ratted me out
BAD FORM FATHEAD
and don't call me skippy dr jurassic, I find it offensive.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2009-07-07 06:35:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ctrl-F on this post; typed in "boobs"
yer lucky
a +ve rating
didn't read it
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2009-07-07 03:13:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OH MY GOD IF YOU WROTE A BOOK I WOULD BUY A THOUSAND COPIES
seriously, though, lungfish, this was good stuff. especially this:
He takes a drink. Looks sad. Then, he talks to his beer. "I hate that cunt."
if i had a nickel for every time i've done that exact same thing i'd be rich.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2009-07-06 16:15:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesomeness
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-07-06 11:23:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i also like me and those other people, so thanks eh.
also, shandy is awesome. he's probably gazing deeply into his navel RIGHT now while some slender asian women pad around tending to his needs; mopping the sweat from his brow, forcing tea down his throat, cramming him full of psychedelic drugs, etc. the drugs will wear off soon enough and he'll be back. no worries.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-07-06 09:58:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yup.
Submitted by spuj (user info) at 2009-07-06 08:27:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that is one badass cat.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-07-06 04:57:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funglish.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-07-05 19:47:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I shan't be rating this as I am over my 7000 review limit, and as ei has quite rightly pointed out, need to retire my account. good day to you sir.
bugger.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-07-05 15:01:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is probably very entertaining, but sorry lungfish, im cooking chicken (breast) and i really dont have the time.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2009-07-05 10:02:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It was awesome. I'm fucking awesome
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2009-07-05 09:32:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2009-07-05 05:46:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-07-03 08:51:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow this is absolutely stellar!
Submitted by Cakes (user info) at 2009-07-04 21:56:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
rob berg, if you have Itunes, click on "Radio" in the left margin, then at the very bottom of the radio list, click on "Spoken Word"-- (where most never click) when you get that list, click on "Enlightenment Radio".
I've always believed in strangers pointing me in the right direction, maybe you're as open minded.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-07-04 18:39:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is a weird concept for a show... if they stay atheists do they get a full evening in Vegas complete with ample hookers and giant bag of blow?
I'd love to actually see some quality discourse on religion and spirituality, though.
It's such an intensely personal topic, and entirely unique to each individual - a program that presented a condensed, informative, unbiased and accessible explanation and rationalization for all of the major world religions would be awesome.
If the producers managed to keep an unbiased/agnostic approach - truly giving both sides the opportunity to discuss their beliefs and more importantly the experiences in their lives that formed them - then it could be fascinating.
Submitted by Toddler (user info) at 2009-07-04 18:37:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm definitely missing something here.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2009-07-04 17:44:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ISTANBUL (Reuters) - What happens when you put a Muslim imam, a Christian priest, a rabbi and a Buddhist monk in a room with 10 atheists?
Turkish television station Kanal T hopes the answer is a ratings success as it prepares to launch a gameshow where spiritual guides from the four faiths will seek to convert a group of non-believers.
The prize for converts will be a pilgrimage to a holy site of their chosen religion -- Mecca for Muslims, the Vatican for Christians, Jerusalem for Jews and Tibet for Buddhists.
But religious authorities in Muslim but secular Turkey are not amused by the twist on the popular reality game show format and the Religious Affairs Directorate is refusing to provide an imam for the show.
"Doing something like this for the sake of ratings is disrespectful to all religions. Religion should not be a subject for entertainment programs," High Board of Religious Affairs Chairman Hamza Aktan told state news agency Anatolian after news of the planned program emerged.
The makers of "Penitents Compete" are unrepentant and reject claims that the show, scheduled to begin broadcasting in September, will cheapen religion.
"We are giving the biggest prize in the world, the gift of belief in God," Kanal T chief executive Seyhan Soylu told Reuters.
"We don't approve of anyone being an atheist. God is great and it doesn't matter which religion you believe in. The important thing is to believe," Soylu said.
The project focuses attention on the issue of religious identity in European Union-candidate Turkey, where rights groups have raised concerns over freedom of religion for non-Muslim minorities.
Detractors of the ruling AK Party government, which is rooted in political Islam but officially secular, accuse it of having a hidden Islamist agenda, a charge it denies.
Some 200 people have so far applied to take part in the show and the 10 contestants will be chosen next month.
A team of theologians will ensure that the atheists are truly non-believers and are not just seeking fame or a free holiday.
(Writing by Daren Butler; Editing by Dominic Evans)
---
Weird
Submitted by Cakes (user info) at 2009-07-04 15:50:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
just for the title and picture
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2009-07-04 14:48:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Country music, I mean. Welp, I'm off to munch charred animal flesh and blow shit up. I hope everybody has a fantastic weekend!
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2009-07-04 14:45:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for the props! I keep thinking I should actually post something, but I can't think of anything entertaining. Also, I tend to be an argumentative person of the "insane drunk" variety, which is why I try not to interact too much. Man, I suck, Anyway, I always like Lungfish's posts; he has an understated sense of humor. I also agree about the coutry music thing. If anybody here likes American folk music, check this out, it's freakin' awesome:
http://www.folkstreams.net/
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2009-07-04 14:42:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
raising kids is like being on a suicide watch for 18 years
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2009-07-04 14:17:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
as i was sitting here trying to think of something to write, i started falling asleep, and the review box looked like this when I snapped out of it:
lkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk... etc.
i did enjoy this post, though.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-07-04 13:56:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I played Joan la Pucelle (Joan of Arc) in Henry VI. I got the part not necessarily because I gave the most polished reading at audition, but because (and this came from the director herself) I was able to get a crazed, "barking mad" gleam in my eye. I think I was just nervous.
Then I played Emilia in Othello. The director wanted her played as a mixture of battered wife and feminist. It was weird but the dude who played my husband Iago was kind of a hottie.
You're fine man, Lung.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-07-04 13:56:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2009-07-04 17:27:29 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is why Ritalin should be banned.
------------
This is why Ritalin should be added to the water supply instead of flourides.
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-07-04 13:55:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lil slice of real life...
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2009-07-04 12:27:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is why Ritalin should be banned.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-07-04 11:29:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Convincingly drunksounding
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2009-07-04 10:52:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-07-04 10:38:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I call shenanigans on wife's boobs. Post pic for proof.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-07-04 10:35:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good morning.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-07-04 09:24:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tantoo sounds like the name somebody really high would give to a turtle.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-07-04 09:08:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Only one spelling mistake! woooo.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-07-04 09:07:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm so drunk and probably(sp?) shouldn't be one the internets right now and should be out having a life ot some shit, but that was worth it. Thanks dude. I think I love you. No I don't. But thanks man.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-07-04 09:07:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dogs and cats...living together...mass hyusteria
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-07-04 08:55:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have pictures just like that...My Mr. PowPow and Ebony on my bed...together.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2009-07-04 06:57:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's great, Phallic.
Midsummers Night's Dream. It doesn't matter how much I edit. Fuck it. It's 4 am, now. g'night.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2009-07-04 06:37:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In 12th grade I played Puck in A Midsummer Night's Dream.
After the big final performance, the woman that had taught me theatre when I was, like, 8 and who was a total thesbian (sic) came up to me, gushing.
"Peter!" she said "You were brilliant! I think you really caught the androgeny of Puck perfectly!"
On the phone to mum later that night (they already lived in Singapore by that point), I relayed that compliment to my very effeminate, very theatrical mother (she's a drama teacher ffs).
Mom snorted down the phone and said "That means you played him like a fag, Pete."
It was so out of character and unusual that I remember it to this day.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2009-07-04 06:16:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You might have been in there, Rob, but maybe Bart cut it out, like he did the rest of my title, which had something to do with suggesting that Australians tended to be gay.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-07-04 06:04:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A little part of me is sad I didn't make that list.
The other part sez: God bless you.