Farting in the toilet shouldn't be as awkward as it is (1315 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.79 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Nath (w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m) (View user info) at 2009-07-02 11:00:34 EDT
"Everybody farts. That's all you need to remember. Doesn't matter who they are, they fart." That was the only piece of advice that was given to me a few years ago from a friend called Tony in preparation for an important interview. Not really sure what it had to do with anything, and as I didn't have any nerves to settle it didn't really impact that, however it is something that has stuck with me ever since. Mainly because it's the last thing I remember Tony ever saying to me before I got the new job and fucked off somewhere else.
I've always been aware of the world and the variety of gases that people pass. I'm by no means an expert in them, but I'm not simple enough to think that every gust of ass wind is the same. And I'm also very clued to the fact that everyone does it and as such I have very little shame with it.
By no means do I flaunt it, but if I have to let one slip and there's no chance of holding on, then that train load of people is going to be very angry and uncomfortable. Fuck you, why should I strain my gut with a cauldron of devil's breath?
And occasionally they are useful. Plenty of seats on the bus but someone sits next to you? Easy, aim it in the correct direction and fire away. Sister pissing you off and won't give you the remote? Easy, pin her down and fart directly up her nose. I haven't done that for weeks though, so maybe things have changed. Spooning afterwards is completely optional, if you're a fag.
Only joking, of course. My sister's a twat and I never talk to her.
This is really a long way of saying, yes I fart, so do you, and while it shouldn't be something to be proud of (when drunk exclusions apply) it shouldn't be the largest faux pas around. I once say an old man getting mugged, and no one did anything, until the old man dropped one in fear. That was when everyone joined in to help the mugger. I'm fairly sure that's how gangs start, but as I'm so passive I guess I'll never know.
Earlier today I was in the toilets at work, stood at the furthest urinal (as is tradition) letting flow, when I felt the strangest bubbling in my gut. I didn't know what was happening, until it began to journey down my system and starting pushing away at my ass, like an angry bear trying to escape. As an animal lover I couldn't keep it locked away as it might starve to death, or even suffocate. When the image of actually having a bear trying to rip through my rectum started becoming too real I forgot about it and just relaxed.
What escaped actually sounded like an angry bear being released in a medley of noises that covered the entire fart-noise-spectrum. First it sounded confused, as the grumbling gas shuddered out, then it seemed to become mad at being captured in the first place and let out a low, mental roar, and was finally finished off with a surprised pop, like he had just seen one of his friends from long ago.
I really had idea the human body was able to make that many different sounds so close together in a single event. It was like an orchestra of people just experimenting with beans and soda.
And then the waft came, and it was painful. Fairly certain that this could get me registered as a biological weapon, I quickly shook off and zipped up, desperate to get away from the fumes and any chance of blame.
"Jesus Christ!" I slowly turned around. Someone had been in the cubicle behind me the entire time. This was quickly followed by a flush. Panic hit, and for some reason that I can never possibly explain I jumped behind the cubicle's now opening door to hide.
(Just to explain why a cubicle door opens outwards, I have no fucking idea. There are five cubicles, four open inwards, and then the one on the end has a handle on the outside and opens outwards. I assume it's disabled, but God knows. This is the sort of shit that happens when you work for a design firm)
I didn't know who it was who had been in there, but they had basically just pinned me into the smallest corner, with a metal bar pressing slightly into my side, in what was basically the epicentre of what I'm imagining is the most tremendous gas drop in the history of mankind. At least in modern memory.
I took a deep breath and waited. The man seemed to gasp for air as he escaped the cubicle and went down towards the doors. I heard taps running as he tried to wash his hands, clearly either not caring or not thinking about who had dropped such a bomb and where they had disappeared to.
The problem with doing something so ridiculous is that the longer you do it for, the more ridiculous it seems. If I had just walked out then I could have attempted to play it cool, ignore anything going on and hope to God things went no further.
However...
Begging for him to hurry up so that I could get some more air in my lungs that wasn't infected with fecal matter, I nearly cried when I heard the door open and someone else walk into the toilets.
"Frank." I heard him say.
"Kevin." Frank replied. I was hoping that would be it, Kevin would need to go into a cubicle, Frank would fuck off and I could stop doing this and I could take another breath. "I'd stay away from down there."
"Why?"
By this point I was either going to have to take another breath or just pass out. Years of smoking and no exercise do that to an Adonis.
"Someone just let out a terrible fart and then ran off." Ran off? I didn't run off like some sissy. I hid, like some pansy. "It's quite awful."
I let the breath go slowly and tried to work another one in as carefully as I could. Somehow the smell had gotten worse. I could feel myself gagging. My face was straining to try and hold any noise in, tears were forming from the effort, and then I lost it. I had to cough out, but it was with such force I head butted the door in front of me away.
Frank and Kevin both turned to look at me. At first I tried to play it cool, as I just walked up to the sinks and started washing my hands, but I knew that wouldn't really cut it, so I turned to them both.
"Look," I started, trying to sound reasonable and ignore the disgust on Franks face. "I think it's clear what's happened here, and if we can all be mature about it,"
"Seriously," Frank interrupted. "Why is it always you?"
"I don't know." I said, feeling more ashamed by the second. "Guess I'm just unlucky."
"You're a fucking idiot." Kevin said, laughing as he walked past to the urinal. I dried my hands, nodding in agreement. Just as I was walking out of the door, Kevin's laughter stopped. "Fucking hell!" He nearly shouted, just as he reached ground zero. "See a doctor."
User Reviews
Submitted by PlatinumScarecrow (user info) at 2009-08-16 18:15:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
starting pushing away at my ass, like an angry bear trying to escape
+2 just for that
Submitted by darthvaderswang (user info) at 2009-07-09 18:14:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2009-07-06 15:22:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice!
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2009-07-05 09:01:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cracker of all ass
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-07-05 03:46:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-07-04 15:53:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I really had idea the human body was able to make that many different sounds so close together in a single event. It was like an orchestra of people just experimenting with beans and soda."
~~~~~~~
OohhhhNooooooo
Submitted by CrapWeed (user info) at 2009-07-04 11:45:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by bustedcompass (user info) at 2009-07-03 17:15:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a CLASSIC.
If you can't fart in the goddamn mens room where can you fart? Jesus, the bathrooms are for taking care of personal business. That's what their fucking there for.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2009-07-03 15:57:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2009-07-03 09:20:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-07-03 05:57:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-07-03 05:54:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always find that if someone lets one free whilst at the urinals then my arse, which was quite happy before, suddenly feels the need to let one go as well. It's almost as if my arse suddenly wants to chat to someone elses arse, very disturbing
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-07-03 04:50:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everybody farts.
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-07-03 01:41:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-07-02 17:43:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold ending
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-07-02 16:30:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
is it really always you?
Submitted by richardcranium (user info) at 2009-07-02 16:28:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very Smelly.
Submitted by Scott4uf21 (user info) at 2009-07-02 16:28:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Wow i am surprised with the world today. You guys would rather read about passing gas than anything that actually has meaning to it. I only got 1/2 way through this nonsence. I feel so sorry for every one of your children!!!! (Not just the poster but all the people who rank this a 2!!
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2009-07-02 16:14:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-07-02 15:56:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-07-02 15:41:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-07-02 14:41:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...on title alone.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2009-07-02 13:58:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2009-07-02 13:31:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-07-02 13:09:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love that I'm not the only one in the world who has farts that sound confused and then surprised like they recognize someone.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-07-02 12:44:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A WIN as always dude.
My farts smell of bbq brisket.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-07-02 12:43:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2009-07-02 12:33:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dear lord that was a funny english fart.
you brits and your humoUr.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-07-02 11:52:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FYI - Electro is in Pittsburgh
http://deadspin.com/5306275/the-new-york-mets-have-a-furry-run+in-on-road-trip
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-07-02 11:51:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-07-02 11:49:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I could stink a joint out, like that.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-07-02 11:41:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2009-07-02 11:31:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-07-02 11:27:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Someone just let out a terrible fart and then ran off." Ran off? I didn't run off like some sissy. I hid, like some pansy. "It's quite awful."
-------
For that alone.
In my home we have slamming door fights about farting. They go along the lines of:
Him. Well I'm not allowed to fart in bed without you kicking me. So you being a girl and having more fart control than me, aren't allowed to fart at all.
So if I fart I get ignored for a day and he starts dropping the bombs of horrendous foulness into our bed. The kicker is he thinks they don't smell. So one night I dutch ovened him, he now agrees that they smell, but refuses to leave the room to poot. The thing that annoys me most is my kids think it's funny so they all sit there and fart together. Happy families and I'm a bitch for thinking it's gross.
I'm really ranty atm.
Submitted by Ebenezer_Spooge (user info) at 2009-07-02 11:16:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
getting compared to a PG movie starring Shneider AND Martin? How can that possibly be taken as an insult!?!? Two absolute titans of entertainment.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2009-07-02 11:12:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Ebenezer_Spooge (user info) at 2009-07-02 11:07:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
but 1.5 because fart humor. I felt like I was watching a PG movie starring Rob Schneider and Steve Martin
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I take that as a personal insult, but only because I fucking hate Steve Martin with such a passionate fire that if I saw him I'd have little choice but to punch him in his stupid fucking face. God, he's such a cunt I fucking hate him.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-07-02 11:10:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I kicked my boyfriend out of bed for farting and made him go home. I'm entirely unapologetic about it too.
Submitted by Ebenezer_Spooge (user info) at 2009-07-02 11:07:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
but 1.5 because fart humor. I felt like I was watching a PG movie starring Rob Schneider and Steve Martin
Submitted by Ebenezer_Spooge (user info) at 2009-07-02 11:06:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ebenezer_Spooge (user info) at 2009-07-02 11:04:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha at the bear analogy.