spermicidal mexicans and PETA (1182 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: -0.63 on 40 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by fraxinus (View user info) at 2009-07-01 22:55:05 EDT
One of the great things about having a cop for a dad is getting to see the fricking hilarious side of society's trash without actually touching it. Police departments allow what are called ride-alongs. They're available for any interested citizen without a criminal record, and are exactly what they sound like; you ride along with your designated officer, and are allowed to observe them carrying out their oh-so-exciting civic doody.
Dad's a 25-year veteran, so he's got some pull as to what shift he gets; he takes the graveyard during summer because of the cooler nights (and there's normally not that much shit going on). So on the night of my very first ride along, we do the usual bar checks, traffic stops, bust a pothead in a stolen wheelchair, etcetera. Routine night. Sometimes, though, there's a call where he can't contain himself and has to call for backup because he's laughing so damn hard. This would turn out to be one of those nights. Yes, sounds intriguing, I know. Shut the fuck up and listen.
Anyway. One of dad's favorite pastimes on graveyard shift is to go patrol the city park (which is closed at night); therefore, he got a state grant a few years ago to buy some badass night vision goggles. These aren't the Wal-Mart variety; they're fucking military-grade shit that cost more than my car. They work like magic, bitches (yes, I'm bragging, and I'd BETTER get some -2's for it). So he normally turns off all his car lights and straps the goggles on his head, cruising through the park at "patrol speed." That way he can surprise any transients, love-struck couples, or love-struck transient couples out for a midnight frolic in the park. It's actually surprising how quiet a Crown Victoria can be at 90 mph.
Halfway through the park, he gave me the goggles...while leaving the lights off. Apparently he'd done this enough so that he had the roads memorized, even in the friggin dark. Fuck roller coasters, I thought. So as we're cruising, we pass a parking lot, where I see a nice bright heat signature through the goggles; I tell dad and pass the goggles off to him. He hits the brakes, and we go drive over to investigate. Turns out it's a little beater car with two people inside. So we sneak up right behind them, and dad suddenly turns on all his lights. He must've done this before. Cops are sneaky bastards.
Dad gets out of the car, and so do I; I stay in the car's vicinity, though, since I'm only a concerned citizen (that, and I'm safeguarding the box of donuts inside. Seriously). He walks towards the car, which of course has steamy windows, is shaking back and forth, and looks like Taco Bell's trashy 80's mascot. Midnight park sex in the Beanermobile. Ro-fucking-mantic. He calls out to the car occupants to exit the vehicle with their hands up while he shines his flashlight on them. Officer safety, standard operating procedure, blah blah blah.
The sight of the dude that steps out of the car is indelibly etched into my twisted memory. Try visualizing a Mexican Peter Griffin. Sure, he was naked. Sure, he was sweaty. Sure, he would put Chewbacca to shame. But the best part? He's got the world's tiniest boner, and as he's trying to talk, his little burrito is shooting out little burrito-itos. Apparently dad had caught them right before they completed the dirty deed. Done dirt cheap.
The senorita that stumbles out isn't in much better shape; she at least has a shirt half on, but Latina beaver was never meant to be this fucking wild. Beavers were never meant to have toes like camels, either. I would normally give her the benefit of the doubt and peg her as a wayward Christian, but the words "Fuck me here" tattooed over her undomesticated critter gave it away. That and the fact that she's 30 going on 52 doesn't boost her sex appeal. Oh, and the bitch is fat. At this point, my penis is sobbing and curled up into a little ball; it wouldn't come out for another three days.
So this is the part where dad loses it; he's laughing and trying to come to grips with a spermicidal Mexican and PETA's woman of the year arguing with each other. I don't speak much Spanish, but I was able to catch the drift of the argument; it went along the lines of "you're letting our family waste away" (while she pointed at his less than adequate appendage) and "I didn't pay your father to marry your grandmother" (while he pointed at her measly mammaries and luscious lovehandles).
As dad calls for backup, they're still arguing; dad's alternating between laughing his ass off and trying to get them to put on some damn clothes. I'm over by the patrol car attempting not to choke on laughter and donut crumbs. Yes, the backup arrives, helps get them apart, clothed, and on their way back to the enchilada stand, citation in hand...but not before Mexican Peter goes over, bends down, and scoops up his misbegotten seed. Who says beaners aren't good at harvesting?
User Reviews
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-07-06 10:05:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I was thinking you meant Saving Ryan's Privates.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-07-05 10:55:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
at least you tried to be entertaining...WHICH IS THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS PLACE
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2009-07-04 22:41:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2009-07-02 03:32:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
"Dad's a 25-year veteran, so he's got some pull as to what shift he gets; he takes the graveyard"
***
i think i'll let Maddog field this one
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Definitely one of the most unfunny "cop stories" I have ever had the misfortune to read/hear.
I gotta call bullshit on this one.
Maybe there is a germ of truth in this, like you've ridden in a car before, but that's about all I believe.
Submitted by bustedcompass (user info) at 2009-07-04 16:28:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The story got some chuckles. It does have more holes in it than the Swiss cheese in Bonnie and Clyde's last lunchbox. But it still got a chuckle.
Probably bullshit, but here's a +1 for your effort.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-07-03 15:11:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Well, consider my mind blown! There is so much depth and realism in this story. This is just like that Michael Bay movie. You know the one; No, not Bad Boys or Transformers. I'm talking about Armageddon.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-07-03 14:21:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
And policemen use scale model miles because they always have maps in the walls on those CSI shows. See, he's just talking cop and YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-07-03 14:20:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-07-03 13:44:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-07-03 12:36:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-07-02 16:12:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You have no idea how night vision goggles work. Heat signature? Driving 90 MPH? Using them in a city park? You, sir, are full of shit. Also, why would a Spanish speaking woman have a tattoo in English?
Research.
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HELLO, MCFLY. Didn't you see the part where he said he had MILITARY GRADE night vision goggles? He explained how they cost more than YOUR HOUSE and were personally awarded to his father BY NORMAN SCHWARTZKOPF for SINGLEHANDEDLY WINNING OPERATION DESERT STORM. Saying something is MILITARY GRADE and that the TAXPAYERS GAVE IT TO YOU gives you an INFINITE BULLSHIT LICENSE. MY military grade nightvision goggles not only have night vision (duh), and do thermal imaging, but detect DISTURBANCES IN THE FORCE and have a built-in LIE DETECTOR that works off APPLIED PHLEBOTENUM.
By MPH he actually means 1/30 scale MPH, which would be 3 full-scale MPH. So there's an explanation right there.
And why would a Spanish-speaking trollop have an English tattoo? Well, why would an American-speaking trollop have a Chinese tattoo, hmmm? The English language has a spiritual mystique to her. The tattoo guy told her "fuck me" meant "strong feminist". This horrible bit of fiction is really all the tattoo guy's fault.
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Oh. OH! So what you're saying is... that the goggles are super special and fuck me for questioning them, because I've obviously no idea about military grade night vision goggles?
You actually made an awesome point on the Chinese tattoo analogy. I guess that all the logical inconsistencies I thought were here were all just in my head.
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YES. Like he said, the goggles are MAGIC, and he is HARRY FUCKING POTTER. HE'S THE BOY WHO LIVED, YOU HEAR?? He lost his mum and dad okay, so just HUMOR HIM IN HIS DELUSIONS AND SHITTY ASS WRITING.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-07-03 13:44:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-07-03 12:36:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-07-02 16:12:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You have no idea how night vision goggles work. Heat signature? Driving 90 MPH? Using them in a city park? You, sir, are full of shit. Also, why would a Spanish speaking woman have a tattoo in English?
Research.
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HELLO, MCFLY. Didn't you see the part where he said he had MILITARY GRADE night vision goggles? He explained how they cost more than YOUR HOUSE and were personally awarded to his father BY NORMAN SCHWARTZKOPF for SINGLEHANDEDLY WINNING OPERATION DESERT STORM. Saying something is MILITARY GRADE and that the TAXPAYERS GAVE IT TO YOU gives you an INFINITE BULLSHIT LICENSE. MY military grade nightvision goggles not only have night vision (duh), and do thermal imaging, but detect DISTURBANCES IN THE FORCE and have a built-in LIE DETECTOR that works off APPLIED PHLEBOTENUM.
By MPH he actually means 1/30 scale MPH, which would be 3 full-scale MPH. So there's an explanation right there.
And why would a Spanish-speaking trollop have an English tattoo? Well, why would an American-speaking trollop have a Chinese tattoo, hmmm? The English language has a spiritual mystique to her. The tattoo guy told her "fuck me" meant "strong feminist". This horrible bit of fiction is really all the tattoo guy's fault.
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Oh. OH! So what you're saying is... that the goggles are super special and fuck me for questioning them, because I've obviously no idea about military grade night vision goggles?
You actually made an awesome point on the Chinese tattoo analogy. I guess that all the logical inconsistencies I thought were here were all just in my head.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-07-03 12:37:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
American speaking=English speaking. I'm such a fucker.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-07-03 12:36:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-07-02 16:12:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You have no idea how night vision goggles work. Heat signature? Driving 90 MPH? Using them in a city park? You, sir, are full of shit. Also, why would a Spanish speaking woman have a tattoo in English?
Research.
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HELLO, MCFLY. Didn't you see the part where he said he had MILITARY GRADE night vision goggles? He explained how they cost more than YOUR HOUSE and were personally awarded to his father BY NORMAN SCHWARTZKOPF for SINGLEHANDEDLY WINNING OPERATION DESERT STORM. Saying something is MILITARY GRADE and that the TAXPAYERS GAVE IT TO YOU gives you an INFINITE BULLSHIT LICENSE. MY military grade nightvision goggles not only have night vision (duh), and do thermal imaging, but detect DISTURBANCES IN THE FORCE and have a built-in LIE DETECTOR that works off APPLIED PHLEBOTENUM.
By MPH he actually means 1/30 scale MPH, which would be 3 full-scale MPH. So there's an explanation right there.
And why would a Spanish-speaking trollop have an English tattoo? Well, why would an American-speaking trollop have a Chinese tattoo, hmmm? The English language has a spiritual mystique to her. The tattoo guy told her "fuck me" meant "strong feminist". This horrible bit of fiction is really all the tattoo guy's fault.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-07-03 10:12:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ummm, lotta holes in this tale...
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2009-07-03 09:31:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't believe you but if I did I'd say your dad is a waste of public funds.
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2009-07-02 20:05:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Why couldn't you just let the people fuck? They weren't hurting anybody.
:(
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2009-07-02 19:56:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
They make spermicidal Mexicans? Where can I get one of those??
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-07-02 16:12:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You have no idea how night vision goggles work. Heat signature? Driving 90 MPH? Using them in a city park? You, sir, are full of shit. Also, why would a Spanish speaking woman have a tattoo in English?
Research.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-07-02 13:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You're obviously twelve, and this is obviously a bunvch of bullshit. If you're going to make up fictional stories, you might as well make them entertaining. This was shit. GTFO.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-07-02 11:26:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
stfu
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-07-02 10:59:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I never ruined peoples kinky fun whilst in da Po Liss. I mean who wants to see a dark grainy video of two people mating in a car that has no money shot, no one would have bought that.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-07-02 10:18:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I once got caught sexing in a car. Damn cops always ruining peoples kinky fun.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-07-02 08:52:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You know what would have made this little piece of fiction better? Horribly racist accents. It would have been even better if you mismatched the accents. Rewrite it having the Mexican guy say things like "I AINT BEEN STEELIN NO PEECHUZ MISS DAZY!" while the woman gets down on her knees and cries "ME SO SOLLY!" Rewrite it and print it out and throw it in the garbage. Then smash your keyboard and put your fingers in the blender so that I never have to read this sort of thing again.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-07-02 08:46:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Please file under "fiction"....
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-07-02 07:31:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Don't believe a word of it and if you're going make shit like that up, at least make the attraction to the story something more than causing the reader to think "I wonder if it can get more stupid in the next paragraph?".
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-07-02 05:44:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh Drogo, it's okay. The man is clearly despicable and the love twixt father and son is, in this instance, a diseased thing. To feel scorn is perfectly acceptable, in a moral sense.
It's delightful though, isn't it? A voyeuristic, sadistic, authoratarian, racist who brings his son along as an audience as he humiliates isolated lovers caught in the bed of night. It is like poetry spelled in vomit. Fantastic.
Submitted by spuj (user info) at 2009-07-02 05:28:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
maybe a little unbelievable.
however i liked it and it made me laugh. therefore sir you recieve a plus 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-07-02 04:47:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not sure I meant that comment to come across as bad really Berty. I applaud cops who decide not to take the easy route through promotion and who want to actually stay out on the streets doing the real job.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-07-02 04:40:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Pork Chop Song!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUVrbWC7_2c and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybXYchgBOkQ
you know you want too, the second one is particularly SCARY BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA
MATE
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-07-02 04:20:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have changed my mind, this is the best post ever.
I want to read more about pork chop and his pa as they enjoy the power, equipment and responsibility that has been granted them by society in its misguided search for protection.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-07-02 04:18:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Drogo, that is uncalled for! It is clear that pork chop here idolises his father and is loved in return. Perhaps he has remained a beat cop purely because of the pride he sees in his son's eyes as he walks to the door in his uniform, ready to prowl the neighborhoods with his night vision goggles and headlights off.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-07-02 04:07:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So he's in 25 years and still a beat cop dealing with idiots making the beast with two backs in parks?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-07-02 04:06:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
It is the ubersite equivilant of a doff doff doffa. We all turn our faces to the side and looked shocked/angry.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-07-02 03:59:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-07-02 08:52:29 BST (#)
Ranking: -1
You need to get some friends your own age, mate.
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You know when Berty says mate, somethings wrong!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-07-02 03:52:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You need to get some friends your own age, mate.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2009-07-02 03:32:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
"Dad's a 25-year veteran, so he's got some pull as to what shift he gets; he takes the graveyard"
***
i think i'll let Maddog field this one
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2009-07-02 03:25:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
it's always best to do at least a minimun of research before you attempt to tell a tale
ie: heat signature from a set of night-vision goggles?
i think not
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-07-02 02:57:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I can't believe you actually used 'blah blah blah' in a post. Why not throw in a 'yackety schmackety and a nice cool glass of OJ' to top it off?
I feel so insulted that I'm going to have to go back and -2 your test post, as this -2 here alone doesn't do enough justice.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-07-02 02:11:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
tl;dr
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-07-02 01:33:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"So as we're cruising, we pass a parking lot, where I see a nice bright heat signature through the goggles; I tell dad and pass the goggles off to him."
~~~~~
I want some heat signature goggles!!!!!!
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-07-02 01:01:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This is Cop Humor, right?
Submitted by Toddler (user info) at 2009-07-02 00:04:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You both sound like fags.
Submitted by Ebenezer_Spooge (user info) at 2009-07-01 23:00:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He picked up his own spooge? what the fuck was he planning to do with it?