A Heartwarming Tale of Nipple Biting and Eternal Friendship (854 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.48 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Haiku Mikoo (View user info) at 2009-06-30 17:16:10 EDT
"Fuck you and your nipple biting bullshit!"
Quinn and I had gotten incredibly drunk and decided to walk downtown and watch "Hoopfest ", a popular three on three street basketball competition in our town. About five minutes after arriving we were already fighting, over a bag of sunflower seeds no less, and Quinn's gaping maw was firmly attached to my left moob. Refusing to listen to my words of reason, Quinn remained locked onto my man breast like a pit bull while families trying to watch basketball looked upon us in confusion and dismay.
Not knowing what else to do and having very little experience in man-to-nipple detachment, I landed a right hook on his left temple and felt the sweet relief of a nipple free of the oppression of a belligerent asshole maddened by a desire for sunflower seeds.
He stumbled backwards, giggling like an idiot, and made his way for the first building he saw carrying the sunflower seeds I had bought only a few minutes ago. I decided to abandon the seeds and started walking in the opposite direction, not really wanting to spend much more time with the man that just tried to gnaw my nipple off. I really wanted a drink, understandably, but as I didn't have any more money I went on a quest for a free cigarette or two.
I saw a group of girls smoking across the street from me and made my way over to them. They caught sight of me and started smirking at my less than stable walking abilities. I walked up to the one I deemed to be the most attractive, being pretty sure that's how teenage girls choose their group leader, and did my best to hide my booze breath.
"Sorry to bother you guys, but do you think I could get a cigarette?"
"Um, well, do you at least have a quarter or something?"
"No, but I just had my nipple chomped on and I could really use one right now, man."
This brought about a short burst of giggles, then they just looked at me trying to figure out if I was being serious or not.
"There's no way someone just bit your nipple, dude."
Being too drunk to care about exposing myself to a group of high school girls, I lifted my shirt up, revealing pasty flesh and a largish red mark above my left nipple. Suppressing her natural fight or flight reaction, the lead girl handed me a cigarette and lit it for me, laughing the whole time. I hung out with them until I was done with my cigarette, and was lucky enough to get another one before I meandered off aimlessly.
I grew increasingly frustrated as I tried to make my way through the crowded sidewalks, small children bouncing off my legs while angry parents stared at the lit cigarette in my hand. Fine, if they didn't want me on the sidewalk, I would just use the street, Hoopfest or no Hoopfest. I crossed the street to a less crowded part of the sidewalk, cutting right through a game in progress, followed by cries of, "Get off the court, dumbass!" and, "What the hell is that guy doing?"
I started walking back to my apartment when I was stopped by two gentlemen with clipboards and flyers in their hands. While ignoring their sales pitch of sorts, I noticed that the one behind the guy doing all the talking was smoking a rolly and decided to try and bum one for the walk home.
"No offense guys, but I'm kind of hammered and I don't really care what you're talking about right now, but I'll sign whatever you want if you roll me one of those."
I thought they might be a little offended at first, but they just seemed happy to get someone to sign. It wasn't so surprising when I saw how scarce the signatures were on their clipboard. The quiet one finished rolling my cigarette and handed it to me.
"Hey, do you think you could help us hand out these flyers?"
"Uh...sorry guys, but I really just want to go home and pass out right now."
"What if we buy you a drink?"
"Sold!"
I followed them to what was hopefully the nearest bar, when I noticed that these guys looked a lot like bros. You know, the guys you see on sites like hotchickswithdouchebags.com. I started feeling nauseous and blamed it on the bros, although the more likely causes were the sun overhead, the drinking, and the smoking. They were walking in front of me, and didn't notice when I took a different turn from them, effectively leaving them to hand out their own damn fliers.
I walked as far as I could before collapsing onto a small flight of stairs in front of an apartment building a few minutes away from my own. I was really feeling sick now, and after a few minutes I hung my head over a nearby planter and started heaving. I reached for my cell phone to call my girlfriend for a ride, but it was gone. Feeling incredibly disheartened, I sprawled out on the steps to gather my energy for a few minutes.
I woke up, wondering how long I had been passed out on the steps, and continued on my trek home. I finally arrived after what felt like hours, and climbed grudgingly up the three flights of stairs that lead to my apartment. I burst through the door and immediately collapsed onto my back in the hall, neglecting to close the door.
"Oh my God, are you okay?"
I jerked up to see my neighbor from across the hall looking slightly concerned for, but mostly afraid of me.
"I'm just...really drunk."
"Yeah, but are you okay?"
"It's fine, I'll close the door in a second, sorry for being the drunk neighbor."
"You're fine, I just wanted to make sure you were alright."
After convincing my neighbor I wasn't dying, I had the presence of mind to call my girlfriend and find out where she was.
"Hey, where are you? You've got to come home right now, I had a pretty shitty time at Hoopfest."
"I went for a walk, what happened?"
"Quinn bit my nipple; I threw up and passed out on some stairs. How long have I been gone?"
"What the fuck? I don't know, maybe three hours or so."
Performing some infallible, drunken math, I realized that meant I was passed out on some concrete steps downtown for at least two hours. Feeling a wet spot on the front of my shirt, I looked down to see I had gotten a little bit of vomit on my shirt and pants. I looked in the bathroom mirror to see I was bleeding a little bit from the top of my left cheekbone, and realized I must have scraped it against the concrete earlier.
Strangely enough, all I could think was that I am really going to miss Quinn when he moves back to California.
Nipple chewing cunt.
User Reviews
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-07-21 22:58:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-07-21 22:36:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-07-21 03:16:16 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Now, now, Haikumikoo, the info in the link is what it is; I didn't write it. Not trying to revoke anyone's right to vote even if they can't spell "vote" and actually believe they'll get something for free if they vote for one candidate over the other. I'm not acting all racist. I suspect I may be acting very smartist, though.
===
Maybe it doesn't make much sense to correct nonsensical comments, but being a smartist would mean you're prejudiced against the intelligent.
I was just kidding before, but apparently you really *do* hate black people.
Who's the racist now, bitch?
ME.
-----
Perhaps instead of "smartist" I should have used "cognoexclusial". Google it. You'll get nothing because I'M FUCKING SMARTER THAN THE INTERNET! BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA*coughhackcough*damn.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-07-08 08:05:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<3
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-07-03 01:07:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-07-02 01:49:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Had to read it again.
Laughed AGAIN.
Way to go wildperson.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-07-01 16:37:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-07-01 10:56:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry but sort of meh tits.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2009-07-01 16:06:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the first LINE made me laugh..
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-07-01 14:44:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
nurrrrrrrrrr RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-07-01 11:49:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
My nipple is in agreement with you, Drogo, but I'm not convinced. All relationships must go through tests of strength at one time or another. If you try to chew off your best pal's nipple and there are no hard feelings the next day? Well, my friend, that's when you know you have a bond no man can break.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-07-01 11:25:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man there are rules to how men should react at times of conflict and biting down on your buddies nipple is not the way.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-07-01 10:56:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry but sort of meh tits.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-07-01 10:37:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-07-01 04:00:32 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why didn't you just feed him his seeds? I would bite you too.
===
He called me the next day to apologize, apparently he didn't even *want* the damn things. He still has them. I'm getting them back.
Also I know kung fu, so back off.
Ran into my neighbor while walking by the pool yesterday, awkwaaard.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-07-01 08:29:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-07-01 07:00:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why didn't you just feed him his seeds? I would bite you too.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-07-01 06:56:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd have to choke a bitch.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-07-01 06:54:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*sigh*
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2009-07-01 02:03:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
zap CRASH bang
boom
neeeooorrwwww
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-07-01 01:49:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shlongy, you have all but doomed ubersite to a permanent flashing of haikumikoo hole. Now, bask in the glory that is this post, or I shall smite you with my mighty hole.
I mean it.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-06-30 21:17:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
SHOW ME YOUR HOLE!
Wait a second...scratch that. No, I mean, FORGET that.
Submitted by JohnnyBurnside (user info) at 2009-06-30 20:49:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You have small breasts.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2009-06-30 19:26:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
also, not that anyone is interested, but http://www.ubersite.com/m/122663 and this story happened on the same day. it wasn't a parade i was watching, it was hoopfest. and i was there with haikumikoo. we're buddies irl FOREVER!
i love haikumikoo!
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2009-06-30 19:24:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 cause this has me in it.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-06-30 19:03:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG!
AN EXPERIMA SIGHTING!
WOOOOO! THIS IS VERY EXCITING. I'M GUNNA WRITE IT IN MY JOURNAL!
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2009-06-30 18:57:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-06-30 18:51:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
: )
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-06-30 18:50:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
THAT'S NOT YOUR FUCKING NIPPLE.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-06-30 17:41:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-06-30 14:19:59 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
.......................................................................... ok.
===
Oh, I get it. So it's perfectly fine to write about crime fighting lesbians and search the internet for pictures of men in skirts, but the minute one dude bites another dude's nipple things are too weird.
For shame, sir, for shame.
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-06-30 17:28:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not knowing what else to do and having very little experience in man-to-nipple detachment, I landed a right hook on his left temple and felt the sweet relief of a nipple free of the oppression of a belligerent asshole maddened by a desire for sunflower seeds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ahaaahaaahaaa....
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-06-30 17:19:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
.......................................................................... ok.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-06-30 17:17:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry for the pasty nipple shot, but it had to be seen to be believed. Also, crappy web camera picture does not capture the full destruction laid upon my nipple.