I Wear The Aviators In This Relationship (974 hits)
Category: NewsRating: 1.74 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (View user info) at 2009-06-10 21:19:22 EDT
Recently I attended a friend's thirtieth birthday extravaganza. First, let me tell you this. Birthdays are irrelevant. I'm not going to go off on a whole "time is relative, age is an arbitrary number" spiel, nor do I think they are irrelevant just because I can't remember them. Birthdays don't matter because everyone has a birthday and I don't think you should be arbitrarily congratulated for surviving another calendar year. Now if you celebrated surviving cancer or actually sitting through Titanic then I can get on board with that.
Back to the matter at hand.
I've lived in Pennsylvania for three years now and have a handful of common acquaintances with my wife. I wouldn't go all out and call them friends because I don't call them, don't get invited or invite them anywhere on the regular and for the most part can mingle for a set amount of time before I start getting antsy. In the interest of not typing out common acquaintances, friends will have to do.
We arrived at the Zoo, which is the name I've settled on because this guy's house is home to more animals than a faggot's ass. I had to wade through a front line of old people and a retard on the porch. Not a figurative retard, either. An honest to God ree ree. I'm not saying it's a bad thing to be retarded. You pretty much have shit figured out for you from the time you crippled hand hits your chest. Around this part in the post is when I apologize to God and then continue on with my heathen ways.
After wading through the Dead Sea and through the front door we were accosted by the Cerberus. Ok, maybe not the actual Cerberus, but any three dogs that close to being feral is what it felt like. They jump on you so you constantly have to throw knees into their chest which (much like the goggles) does nothing. Then should you decide to sit on the dog hair with the couch underneath you will be borderline molested as they jump all over while dragging their little dog dongs along the throw pillows and eventually your lap.
Now, I'm like George Costanza. I can't be having worlds collide. If I have a get together I invite one group of friends. Later on I'd have another barbecue or something and invite another set of friends. Never should both of these groups meet. I don't know why I feel like that but I do. I don't want a bunch of awkward mingling between factions that could go to war at any moment. It just makes things easier, get off my fucking back.
There were multiple factions at that party. It was reminiscent of a high school lunch room. Cliques (God, I despise that word) were everywhere. Older people hovering around the food, pretentious douches trying to name the saltwater fish and the morons trying to get a cockatoo to say "asshole." How apropos being as how it wasn't a fucking parrot and doesn't talk.
Then I saw him. A beautiful bastard. The boyfriend of a sister of the guy who's Zoo we were at. He was in my way as I tried to get to the grape sodas. I didn't even ask him to move when I opened the fridge into his back. I didn't need to. He was wearing aviators. At night. Inside. For me that equals automatic nemesis. I made it a point to keep an eye on him throughout the night and supplied running commentary to my wife.
First off, Aviator Man tried to pet the parrot and had his finger chomped on. Then he went over to the cockatoo and tried to pet it with basically the same result. He glanced around to see if anyone noticed his stupidity. I wanted to scream that I saw it but bided my time as there was plenty more to come. No one was talking to Aviator Man, like, at all. He wandered around the house for a bit and finally went outside. At that point I decided I needed a hamburger and nonchalantly followed him out to see what he was going to do.
I sat down on a chair and ate while I watched him lift up the cover of the hot tub and take a peek inside. Sorry, Hoss, no adoring women in there. He then made his way over to some antique token tossing game for which they make no replacement disks for. Think of it as ski ball mixed with tic-tac throw but you're using giant Pogs instead. Needless to say there is a reason why it's an antique. It sucks. Aviator Man decided to have a go at it and promptly air mailed one of the disks over the box. He tried to discreetly swipe his sandaled foot back and forth through the grass to locate the disk and after a few passes gave up, putting the remaining disks quietly on the box and slinking away.
My wife and I discussed the fact that he seemed like the kind of douche that craves attention but would blow you off if you tried to start a conversation because he wanted to present himself as aloof or some shit. He had the look going, aside from the aviators. Aloof Douche was sporting a white long sleeve button down, cargo khakis, sandals (Birkenstocks, no doubt) and a perfectly messed up coif that probably took all day with a meticulously manicured pube-esque chin strap beard. I know all the ladies are sliding of their chairs after they read that.
Later in the evening after the cake cutting and such Aloof Aviator Douche did a couple of shots (by himself) of which apparently his lady friend did not approve. At that point a little spat had started to develop which escalated surprisingly quickly, so much so that it had to be taken outside like all great white trash arguments. I allowed myself to meander over to the front door and eaves drop on their quarrel until Douche was getting so overwhelmed that I decided to assert myself. I flung the front door open and gave him a little impromptu pep talk.
"Listen, chief. You need to sack up and tell this cunt who wears the fucking aviators in this relationship."
Stunned silence followed me back inside where I found that the party had taken a horrible turn. My friend was all red assed and finally stammered through his question.
"Did you call my sister a cunt?"
"Was that your sister? Man, she was being a major cunt to that super cool dude she was with."
My wife shot me a concerned look and said she had some stomach cramps. I told her you better not be pregnant and we walked to my car.
"Why would you fucking say something like that?" She screamed the nanosecond the door closed.
"This is why I have no friends."
User Reviews
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2009-06-18 13:55:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I will be your friend.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-06-13 00:40:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I also have seperate factions, could be due to the ole split personality though.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2009-06-12 23:57:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
stop using a flamethrower, faggot
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2009-06-11 22:50:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-06-11 21:21:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2009-06-11 17:34:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
As long as you don't wear puka shells like this guy, you're all right by me, fudge.
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2009-06-11 16:18:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very nice. but don't automatically assume everyone wearing the aviator/white button-down/cargo shorts/flip-flops combo is a d-bag. it's somewhat of a staple in my arsenal of outfits.
wait.....
so that's why....
nevermind.
anyway, hope life's been treating you well....aviator douchebaggery aside.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-06-11 13:39:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
also, cunt is my favourite word
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-06-11 13:37:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-06-11 13:32:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i celebrate my birthday because i think i'm fucking wonderful and everyone i know should pay homage to me at LEAST once a year.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2009-06-11 12:33:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a good thing the wifey bailed you out!
Submitted by GreatOdensRaven (user info) at 2009-06-11 11:56:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I needed this, so thanks. Great pic
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-06-11 11:49:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LOL @ below...cocksucker.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-06-11 11:45:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-06-11 09:19:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Birthdays don't matter because everyone has a birthday and I don't think you should be arbitrarily congratulated for surviving another calendar year.
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Nonsense. Life fucking sucks sometimes...why NOT congratulate yourself and others for making it through another year?
I'd happily give up every single other holiday (save for New Year's and Thanksgiving because of the alcohol involved on both of their respective "eves") as long as I could celebrate on my birthday and my friends'/family members' birthdays.
==============================================
You know, it's so amazing that an utterly daft twat like you manages to survive a year without stepping out into traffic, or picking up an STD from Simon, it probably is worth celebrating. Just do it with your pathetic friends and family and don't bother us. In short, STFU Sage.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2009-06-11 11:33:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The pic is PRICELESS!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2009-06-11 10:02:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
donkey!
very nice.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-06-11 09:44:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-06-11 09:43:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LOLs! Thanks man, I REALLY needed a smile this morning. You may have just saved a strangers life.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2009-06-11 09:31:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2009-06-11 09:25:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That picture is gold.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-06-11 09:19:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Birthdays don't matter because everyone has a birthday and I don't think you should be arbitrarily congratulated for surviving another calendar year.
*****************************
Nonsense. Life fucking sucks sometimes...why NOT congratulate yourself and others for making it through another year?
I'd happily give up every single other holiday (save for New Year's and Thanksgiving because of the alcohol involved on both of their respective "eves") as long as I could celebrate on my birthday and my friends'/family members' birthdays.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2009-06-11 08:26:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-06-10 23:07:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's unfortunate aviators have become douche attire mainstays like chinstrap beards and popped collars. I hope to god douches don't ruin MLB fitted hats next, which seems imminent.
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Douches have been wearing fitted MLB hats for years, in fact I think you have to be a douche to buy one, which makes shopping for douches hard. But of course, who wants to buy douches presents.
This was funny.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2009-06-11 07:27:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
The more I come back, the funnier I find that douche bag photo shop. The douche hose makes it look like its smiling and gets me every time.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2009-06-11 07:06:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
dull
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-06-11 02:03:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-06-11 00:04:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-06-10 23:54:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-06-10 23:37:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoops make that exactly 37 hours.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-06-10 23:35:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just noticed you registered exactly 13 hours after me. Funny how planets align and shit.
Holla at your mothafuckin' Kevin Youkilis.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-06-10 23:07:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's unfortunate aviators have become douche attire mainstays like chinstrap beards and popped collars. I hope to god douches don't ruin MLB fitted hats next, which seems imminent.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-06-10 22:57:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-06-10 22:12:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by captainrads (user info) at 2009-06-10 21:57:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I do the "keep your groups of friends separate" thing too. It just gets awkward when you have to introduce a bunch of people to each other.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-06-10 21:55:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
/;skla gmlkejghl;skdh;fnhoideawhatyou'retalkingaboutbutit;hasspousalabuse+3and,^GeorgeCostanza-2.
Submitted by jasumthin (user info) at 2009-06-10 21:44:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
+2 on the title alone
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2009-06-10 21:42:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I call coercion. You KNOW I'm not gonna downrate anything with a "goggles doing nothing" reference.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2009-06-10 21:31:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent