Uber Pirates & Privateers – 5 (625 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.21 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (View user info) at 2009-04-24 19:16:30 EDT
Crystle sat up in bed.
"Oh, what a horrible dream," she said, brushing a lock of hair out of her eyes and recalling nightmarish images of powder kegs detonating and sailing ships reduced to splinters and the cries of the injured and drowning and the near tsunami caused when Apollo's massive head, severed from his body in an explosion, splashed into the sea, still yammering some belligerent British nonsense.
Then she said, "Why am I in bed?" And, "Why am I in bed covered only by a silk sheet?" And, "Why am I naked under this sheet?"
Then she sneezed and her eyes began to water with a deep, unreachable itch.
"This is ridiculous," she said, wrapping the silk sheet around a figure known to drive men mad as she hopped off of the bed. "I feel like my cat allergy is acting up and there aren't any cats...
For the first time she realized she was in the hold of a ship. Bookshelves filled the hold. Where there were no books there were curious cats curled on the shelves, watching her with sleepy eyes. The hold was long, the gloom broken by candles flickering in swaying storm lanterns hanging from hooks. There were larger hooks screwed into the overhead beams as well. From these hooks hung cages and racks holding dried lengths of meat that seemed oddly human in shape.
With dawning horror Crystle began to realize where she was.
"It wasn't a dream at all," she said in a voice as soft as the rustle of the silk sheet. "There was an explosion, and I was thrown through the air and into the sea, and I swallowed water —I was dying! — and then some thing reached out and..."
"And I saved you," a voice said.
Crystle squinted. Some vaguely human thing was standing in shadow, watching her.
"Should you have died," the voice said, "I would have pierced my heart with my dagger to still my pain."
Crystle saw the speaker and gasped. "Ew," she said.
--
The sea was churning with the flotsam and jetsam of a destroyed flotilla. Britishers and Americans and Peaceniks clung to wreckage. Body parts bobbed like corks on the blue sea.
"Our fight was for naught, his wroth has wrought, this foam, this froth, this—"
"SHUT UP, Orgasmatron!" Skrapmetal's bull roar carried across the water.
Orgasmatron, Snark and Little Monster looked up at Skrapmetal in terror. Orgasmatron and Snark were holding Little Monster prisoner by holding onto her magnificent and unsinkable breasts.
Skrapnmetal had lashed Scourge and Hadley's large gassy corpses to his feet like water shoes and stood surveying what was left of his domain.
"Wait," he said, "What's that, on the horizon?"
"It looks like a small ship," forensicgirl said. She was perched on the shoulders of a not quite dead but bloody and scarred Monkeyswithguns, who was standing on a floating tabletop.
"What a story for the grandkids," Monkeyswithguns said, bubbling with enthusiasm. "Look at my scars! This is awesome! I can't wait until we get to the cannibalism!"
X54 was hauling a corpse onto his raft. He had quickly constructed the raft from living rats and mice held fast in little harnesses of Merlina's braided hair, having scalped her and left her bald and shrieking in the water. "I've got a snack," he called, "And I've got dibs on—" he rolled the corpse over. "Aw, Christ." The dead man was Caulaincourt. "I'm not eating that."
Forensicgirl let out a sigh of relief. "Thank Christ there's no meat on these bones." Peering through a battered telescope, she said, "That ship on the horizon is flying a cat ensign."
Skrapmetal clenched his fists. "McCallum survived! That was not supposed to happen!" He surveyed what remained of his crew. "We need to get organized," he said. "Sico, swim around the area and take a head count for me."
"How come I always have to do what you say?" Sico whined.
"Snark, swim around the area and take a head count for me," Skrapmetal said. "But first, kill Sico."
"Fuckin' A," Snark said, diving into the water from an unsinkable pallid mass that had to be the remains of one of the Britishers. He scrambled back up out of the water when the sea churned and then exploded beside him.
A great white breached like a whale. The massive shark gagged and hacked and regurgitated kaos-king. He was spit into the air covered in the grue of the half-digested. He hit the water with a splash and sank out of sight.
"Too bad," Skrapmetal said. "We could have used him."
A moment later kaos-king's head broke the surface, held above the waves by his Sacred Beads The Origin Of Which Must Never Be Spoken. He sputtered and shook water out of his eyes and asked, "Hey, anybody got a smoke?"
--
Crystle took a dainty step back as the thing moved out of the shadows. It was McCallum. He looked not unlike Charles Laughton in The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
"You saved me?"
"Yes. You were bait and lynchpin in their twisted scheme," McCallum said. "I have brought you to this sanctuary that you may be saved."
"Um, so, did you... undress me?"
McCallum nodded and turned away quickly, but not before a little saliva fell out of his mouth and splashed his ragged patchwork shirt. "Yes, but I averted my eyes the entire time, out of respect for you."
"Oh," Crystle said. "But, wait. If you—"
"I relied only on my sense of touch," McCallum said.
Crystle made a delicate urpf! noise and threw up in her mouth a little.
tbc???
User Reviews
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-04-27 12:47:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i only know you included me because of the power of ctrl+f... i really can't be bothered to wade through the schlock that dribbles from your largely unused mind.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-04-27 12:36:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You didn't include me. For this slight, I feel I may have to email your place of employment.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-04-27 12:18:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay, I didn't die!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-04-27 09:08:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-04-27 01:32:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FINALLY A LIST THAT CRYSTAL MADE
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-04-26 16:33:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-04-24 20:40:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Too many B, C and D-Listers.
==================
Says the twat who thinks he's on top. Shlongy starts with S. Think about it.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-04-26 16:05:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-04-26 14:33:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 unsinkable breasts
_____
That's why I swim so well.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-04-26 14:33:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 unsinkable breasts
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-04-26 02:47:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on (2x)
D'you wanna be in my gang , my gang, my gang, d'you wanna be in my gang, oh yeah! (2x)
I'm the leader, I'm the leader, I'm the leader of the gang I am
I'm the leader, I'm the leader, well there's no one like the man I'm
I can take you high as a kite every single night
Garyi can make you jump out of bed standing on my head
Who'd ever believe it, come on come on (3x)
D'you wanna be in my gang, a my gang, my gang, (2x)
D'you wanna be in my gang, a my gang, my gang, oh yeah! do you ? my gang
Come on! come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, (2x)
D'you wanna be in my gang , my gang, my gang
D'you wanna be in my gang, oh yeah!
D'you wanna be in my gang , my gang, my gang, d'you wanna be in my gang, oh yeah!
I'm the leader, I'm the leader, I'm the leader of the gang I am
I'm the leader, I'm the leader, I'm the man who put the bang in gang
I can take you over the hill, ooooh what a thrill
I can make you sell me your soul for my rock and roll
Who'd ever believe it, come on come on (3x)
D'you wanna be in my gang, a my gang, my gang, (2x)
D'you wanna be in my gang, a my gang, my gang, oh yeah!
Do you ? my gang come on!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2009-04-25 21:44:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-04-25 16:04:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2009-04-25 00:24:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha - you really do pander, don't you?
===============
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!
Crystle thinks pander means kiss her ass. Why would anyone do that? It must smell like shit, it's an ass. Probably a really big one, at that. Fat, hairy, cottage-cheesy ass. One that won't fit into store-bought jeans. One that causes disruptions in the space-time continuum. One that made Darth Vader hurl. One that caused the death of Richard Prior. The one that turned Richard Simmons gay. Get the point yet? Cool.
:(
--
Just firing off a quick in-flight text to inform you that you will be dead by midnight. Please take the next few hours to say goodbye to your loved ones.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-04-25 20:41:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...there is a whole lotta anfry going on down there.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-04-25 20:02:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus Christ! What the fuck?!?!?!?!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2009-04-25 19:26:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
jelus below
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-04-25 16:04:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2009-04-25 00:24:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha - you really do pander, don't you?
===============
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!
Crystle thinks pander means kiss her ass. Why would anyone do that? It must smell like shit, it's an ass. Probably a really big one, at that. Fat, hairy, cottage-cheesy ass. One that won't fit into store-bought jeans. One that causes disruptions in the space-time continuum. One that made Darth Vader hurl. One that caused the death of Richard Prior. The one that turned Richard Simmons gay. Get the point yet? Cool.
:(
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-04-25 01:52:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2009-04-25 00:24:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha - you really do pander, don't you?
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-04-25 00:00:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-04-24 22:22:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Skrapnmetal wtf?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2009-04-24 22:22:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Can I delete that last comment?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2009-04-24 22:22:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I mean I don't write anything about Crystle. Christ my imagination is vivid enough, and the in-brain instant replay is spectacular.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2009-04-24 22:21:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Can I delete that last comment?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2009-04-24 22:21:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-04-24 20:49:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sure Crystle is going to have nightmares now. Especially from the kinky crap that Jack will undoubtably write about her.
--
Do you really think I would post the things I write about Crystle in a PUBLIC forum?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2009-04-24 22:19:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
AND SO IT BEGINS....
"Scientists are baffled and deeply worried by the latest outbreak of swine flu for two reasons: It appears to combine bird, swine and human viruses in a way that hasn't been seen before, and it is spreading from person to person."
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124061694466055035.html
http://www.ubersite.com/u/Jack_McCallum/l/pandemic
http://www.ubersite.com/u/Jack_McCallum/l/after_the_pandemic
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2009-04-24 22:17:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Man, I fucked up on Snark. Gotta pay attention.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2009-04-24 21:14:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
STILL no sign of Ballare but better than koas's shit ending and so that is worth a +2 for you, my friend
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-04-24 20:49:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-04-24 19:40:00 CDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Too many B, C and D-Listers.
=====
Hey now! Don't put me in those groups. I'm so awesome, I transend the "lists."
*gag*
I'm sure Crystle is going to have nightmares now. Especially from the kinky crap that Jack will undoubtably write about her.
You have my e-mail girl. If you need to e-mail me with an "EW!" I'm here for you.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-04-24 20:40:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Too many B, C and D-Listers.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-04-24 19:55:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Atta boy.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-04-24 19:27:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
atsa way we do it.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-04-24 19:23:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Then old Bubba passed gas on the shore a mile away and sunk all of the ships, ending this sordid tale.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2009-04-24 19:20:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
splendid dahling..
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2009-04-24 19:17:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Written in a hurry, no time to proof read.
http://www.ubersite.com/u/kaos-king/l/uber-pirates