The Turtle Man with Super Balls (782 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.13 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by S.I. Co. (View user info) at 2009-04-24 12:03:08 EDT
Some things you look back on and think to yourself, what the holiest of mother fucks was that about? I grew up in a little subsection of south side Allentown known as South Mountain. Currently, south side Allentown is a shithole infested with Puerto Ricans and other latin varieties and has lost the little bit of luster it once had. It was a great place for brother's to grow up and we had a really tight knit group of friends that regularly played football, baseball, etc. together.
Fortunately for me I grew up in the era when mom said "go play" it didn't mean plant your ass in front of the television, play video games, become a statistic for childhood obesity, etc. It meant, get the fuck out of the house, now, and don't come back until supper time. The neighborhood was cool enough and we new our territory fairly well but not always did you get to know just who the people were. There were several parks, a hill for sledding, reservoirs, a cool cluster of trees and bushes that made a great fort until the mother fuckers that opened a carwash destroyed it, and plenty of other areas to keep young boys occupied.
Something about the naivety and general innocence of kids still piques my interest but this is a case of complete dumb fuckery with a decent outcome. I don't know exactly how this came to pass but more than likely we used this guy's yard to cut through to another street, something very common.
The turtle guy approached us and he was very friendly and unassuming. He had a warm and cheery attitude and nothing creepy about his presence was noted. It never was.
"Hey guys."
"Hiya mister, just passing through."
"Hey, you boys want to see something cool?"
"Sure, why not?"
At this point I should begin to tell you how my anus got stretched out or how he force fed us spoonfuls of penis but nothing like that happened. This wispy haired man of middle age took us to a mound in his back yard that had a 1 1/2 foot fence around it. The mound was probably 20 foot in diameter and being the beginning of spring the turtle man showed us a spot where the earth was moving. Sure enough a box turtle popped out.
He went on to show us about 3 or 4 different turtles, a red eared slider this, and something I don't remember that. Whenever we got bored we'd go over and see the turtle man and we gained a pretty decent relationship, well as far as neighbors from 1/4 mile away and platonic man/boy relationships go anyway.
Eventually he invited us in his house where he showed us to his basement where again he had another mound and a snake pit. I don't know if the turtle man was a herpetologist or not (I didn't see any lesions on his penis or mouth) but he was definitely a reptile hobbyist. He took great pride and passion in what he did.
He was a kind and nice man that eventually we found out he had a 3 and 1 year old, much younger than us, and a wife. After several visits, and the worried look on my mom's face, my mom demanded to meet this mysterious "turtle man." It went well and my mom seeing that this man meant no harm never questioned whether or not we could visit the turtle man again.
Houses built in Allentown are one of a few styles. Either you have old stone houses which I think are beautiful, brick ranchers, or these 3 story narrow buildings that are spitting distance apart. As it was, the turtle man had a the 3 story variety but unlike any of the 3 story houses in the neighborhood he had a 4th story room about the size of a large closet with windows on each side.
"Hey kids, you want to see something cool."
"Yeah, turtle man."
Again, this next story should be about how I was fondled in my bald kiddy bits and made to fellate my brother on camera, but no such fun occurred. Instead we were escorted to the lookout room with his little son and the door closing the four of us in. On the window sill sat 3 or 4 decent size boxes. At one instant he grabbed one of the boxes and through its contents in the air, followed by the second and third boxes.
About 4 to 5 hundred super balls bounced off of all the windows, walls, ceiling, and floor for what seemed like ages. It was probably 5 minutes until all the balls stopped bouncing, some even smacking me in the face. The amount of sheer joy and elation brought to all our faces was trumped by his little son's shrill cries of ecstasy and uncontrollable laughter. After repeating the experiment another time we were left in shock and awe.
The relationship with the turtle man lasted a few years with varying frequency in visits even helping him take care of his turtles while he vacationed, etc. Going back though I think it was quite odd that we met a turtle man in the middle of the city, willingly went into a strangers house, and furthermore didn't receive any emotional scarring because of it. I don't think there's any real point to this other than the world needs more people like The Turtle Man with Super Balls.
*proofreading is for pussies.
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-11-04 12:30:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
THIS is what a retal looks like, in case you forgot.
:)
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-08-28 12:27:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-04-26 02:50:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Spam is all shades of awesome AND everything in between.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-04-25 19:51:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The world needs more turtle men.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2009-04-25 18:31:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool shit.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-04-25 14:00:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Does icarus ever not have a beach's worth of sand and pebbles in his vagina?
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2009-04-24 19:11:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PerkMan (user info) at 2009-04-24 18:49:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Icarus1987- You fucking suck. I mean you do. You're a miserable cunt aren't you?
God damn see the fucking flowers once. Damn.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-04-24 18:36:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
As I have a moment, and you have a very tiny penis, and can't be expected to understand much, let me explain using small, simple words.
Paint is universal. Many cultures that have developed walls have also developed paint to make them look pretty. As paint takes time to dry, and his process is not generally exciting, 'like paint drying' has become a universal metaphor for boredom (though 'like watching twitter' or 'reading people blogs' have become a strong second).
Jgreening is not universal. Real-life people do not know who jgreening is. They also do not care. I am not real-life people, and I do not know or care who jgreening is. Jgreening is not a universal sign of stalking, and as such a shit metaphor or simile.
You will never be able to achieve anything resembling entertaining or informative writing. I would encourage you to work towards a more realistic goal; like killing yourself, or at least lopping off enough fingers in some trailer-related accident to prevent you from ever being able to blog again.
You may resume pretending to be stalked.
Submitted by PerkMan (user info) at 2009-04-24 17:19:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is awesome...
This is how people used to be. I don't know what went wrong with the world. I blame single motherhood for most of the problems in society.
I don't mean the "My dad died when I was young and my mom raised me" shit. I mean I "fucked a whole bunch of guys, I go on maury povich who is the devil, and I don't know who the father is, this is the 14th test" Bullshit.
They created people that are just mentally fucked up. I don't know man.
But this took me back to my awesome town and how it wasn't weird for me to go down the street to my neigbhors place and just hangout. One of our neighbors even put up a hammick for us when we were younger to sit in, in the summer.
I miss those days...
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-04-24 16:02:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bubba: Very. On both counts.
Try to keep up.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-04-24 15:48:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Spam, tell me agin how cool and smart you are. I must have missed the intro,
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-04-24 15:21:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:59:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:48:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the fuck is a Super Ball anyway?
Is that the same as a Power ball?
*sigh*
Bloody yanks.
============
Spam: Google is your friend. Use it to read about super balls. You must be very young.
Also, you people who say no one can understand the nuances of a movie/story the first time are assuming everyone is as dense as you. Different people assimilate at different rates.
--
Oh fuck. this is a new low for me. Bubba is insulting both my age AND my IQ. Fucking BUBBA??
*slits wrists*
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-04-24 15:09:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This story happys me.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-04-24 15:03:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Vanilla Sky pissed me off the first time I watched it.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-04-24 15:02:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
As much as I hate to admit it, Vanilla Sky was a WTF movie the first go around.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:59:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:48:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the fuck is a Super Ball anyway?
Is that the same as a Power ball?
*sigh*
Bloody yanks.
============
Spam: Google is your friend. Use it to read about super balls. You must be very young.
Also, you people who say no one can understand the nuances of a movie/story the first time are assuming everyone is as dense as you. Different people assimilate at different rates.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:48:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the fuck is a Super Ball anyway?
Is that the same as a Power ball?
*sigh*
Bloody yanks.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:47:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tangental dead (or whatever the fuck it was) refers to DD by the way.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:46:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:34:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:28:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh and sgt: I loved Donny Darko, but there's no way that you can say that that was your understanding of the movie on the original viewing of it. No fucking way at all. You shouldn't have to view hours upon hours of DVD extras and read pages and pages of a fictional book by whatsherface Sparrow just to get some measure of understanding of a film. As a piece of cinema, it was fabulous, as a story, it was pretty incoherent.
But then maybe that's just me. I totally 'Got' The Fountain first time out and thought it was just beautiful but apparently I'm in the minority on that score.
=========================
I got the Tangent universe/correct the timeline stuff right away! Im a sci-fi geek so Im used to that kind of storyline. You are absolutely right though about the other shit. The superhero stuff I didnt get right away, and the "memories coming back" thing I didnt get right away either.
Once I watched that commentary and learned of the suttle nuances of the movie it made me love it even more!
Are you saying thats a bad thing? Movies having alot of levels are what makes them enjoyable. You think Citizen Kane is still the highest rated movie of all time by critics because its "just a good story"? It goes beyond that. If I wanna watch a movie once and never think about it I'll watch anything with Vin Diesel in it. Dont get me wrong I love those movies too, but sometimes I wanna be puzzled.
--
Indeed my chum, I grasped the edges of the tangent/timeline thingy on the first sitting too.
I think you may have misread what I said because you've practically repeated my sentiments. As I mentioned I loved it and thought it was great cinema. Despite the incoherent storyline. Or on reflection, maybe even because of it. I loved the way how there was enough there for it to 'kind of' make sense but the full meaning just hovered around the edges of understanding. yeah that was cool. Incoherency for the sake of it (like revolver) is just fucking irritation. Can somebody explain to me what the fuck the twelve dollar bill was about please? In fact don't. I don't fucking care. Guy Richie is such a fucking let down.
I was somewhat Irked by the overly complex explanation on the DVD though, with references to the 'tangental dead' or some fucking bullshit hokum like that. I actually regretted reading all that shit because I liked and understood the film better before putting myself throgh it.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:39:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't fully grasp The Fountain on first viewing in that I didn't realize how little of it was actually literal.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:34:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:28:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh and sgt: I loved Donny Darko, but there's no way that you can say that that was your understanding of the movie on the original viewing of it. No fucking way at all. You shouldn't have to view hours upon hours of DVD extras and read pages and pages of a fictional book by whatsherface Sparrow just to get some measure of understanding of a film. As a piece of cinema, it was fabulous, as a story, it was pretty incoherent.
But then maybe that's just me. I totally 'Got' The Fountain first time out and thought it was just beautiful but apparently I'm in the minority on that score.
=========================
I got the Tangent universe/correct the timeline stuff right away! Im a sci-fi geek so Im used to that kind of storyline. You are absolutely right though about the other shit. The superhero stuff I didnt get right away, and the "memories coming back" thing I didnt get right away either.
Once I watched that commentary and learned of the suttle nuances of the movie it made me love it even more!
Are you saying thats a bad thing? Movies having alot of levels are what makes them enjoyable. You think Citizen Kane is still the highest rated movie of all time by critics because its "just a good story"? It goes beyond that. If I wanna watch a movie once and never think about it I'll watch anything with Vin Diesel in it. Dont get me wrong I love those movies too, but sometimes I wanna be puzzled.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:34:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:16:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
At this point I should begin to tell you how my anus got stretched out or how he force fed us spoonfuls of penis but nothing like that happened.
--------------
You don't know how much your missing out on.
============
Reenactment city! I'll be little sico, you be the turtle man.
And....go!
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:30:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Fountain was a weird fucking movie and I "got" it the first time seeing it.
Not "but I got it the first time...". The "and" was proper.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:28:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh and sgt: I loved Donny Darko, but there's no way that you can say that that was your understanding of the movie on the original viewing of it. No fucking way at all. You shouldn't have to view hours upon hours of DVD extras and read pages and pages of a fictional book by whatsherface Sparrow just to get some measure of understanding of a film. As a piece of cinema, it was fabulous, as a story, it was pretty incoherent.
But then maybe that's just me. I totally 'Got' The Fountain first time out and thought it was just beautiful but apparently I'm in the minority on that score.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:24:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to add 'Revolver' to the below list.
Although that's one of the few films that was much better when I didn't understand it.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:16:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
At this point I should begin to tell you how my anus got stretched out or how he force fed us spoonfuls of penis but nothing like that happened.
--------------
You don't know how much your missing out on.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:13:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Movies that also make you say what the holiest of mother fucks just happened:
Living in Oblivion
The Isle (Japanese)
Acid House
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-24 13:25:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-04-24 13:20:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sure you didn't arrive at those conclusions after your first viewing of each film. While I've seen all three movies countless times, I can at least completely grasp 2001 and Darko but Persona is still one that I can't make heads or tails of. Apparently I'm not alone as several decades have gone by without a definitive analysis given by anyone. There could literally be 80 different interpretations of it and none of them could be proven wrong, but that might be the point.
===================
Film study classes dude, Ive taken a rediculous amount of them.
I wanna see this persona now.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-04-24 13:20:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Scourge: Sico had a neighbor who showed him turtles and snakes.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-04-24 13:20:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sure you didn't arrive at those conclusions after your first viewing of each film. While I've seen all three movies countless times, I can at least completely grasp 2001 and Darko but Persona is still one that I can't make heads or tails of. Apparently I'm not alone as several decades have gone by without a definitive analysis given by anyone. There could literally be 80 different interpretations of it and none of them could be proven wrong, but that might be the point.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-04-24 13:15:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
did not read, please provide a one paragraph synopsis.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-24 13:08:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-04-24 12:24:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hartman in no more than 100 words describe the plot of all three of those movies please.
Sounds like what I was thinking right after 2001: A Space Odyssey, Donnie Darko and Persona ended.
=======================
2001 - Is more about the impending (some say arrived) slavery of humanity to technology, than about a voyage through space. The into to the film when we see the monkey discover technology (this comes from some outside deity-like source, perhaps god, which is represented by the monolith) he grabs a bone and starts smashing. Realizing its potential for use as a weapon he at that moment becomes a violent being. Before that discovery they are herbivores, child-like, forraging for whatever they can find, content in their intimacy and combining their struggle in a team effort to survive. After the discovery of technology, we see the monkeys eating meat and spending more time alone...they have discovered murder. Amazingly in the film as we become slaves to that technology our emotions become supressed because of diminished physical and actual interaction with other human beings, we see this when the gentleman calls his daughter on a video phone to say he will miss her birthday. If you watch again you will notice the only TRUE character in that film who shows ANY emotion is the HAL 9000, and he's a computer. He's also a murderer. The ending, at least I think, is about mans final transformation into a helpless being (represented by the baby) by his submitting to technology completely giving away his ability to be self sufficient.
Donnie Darko - Is about tangent universes. Donnie is sent into a tangent universe about a month (I forget how long actually, sorry) into the past where his sole job (whether he is aware of it or not) is to make sure that a certain sequence of events take place. The end objective is to make sure that his mothers Jet is at the right place at the right time. If you watch again you will see that everything Donnie does is one more step towards that end result. The jet engine that falls into his room is from future. Donnies journey into the past occurs at the moment when the jet engine falls into his bedroom where he would have been if he wasn't guided away by Frank. That jet engine is actually from his mothers plane at the end. While he is in the tangent universe he has powers almost like a superhero, thats why he can break the water main at the school, put the axe into the bronze statue, thats why he doesnt get burned when he sets the house on fire, etc... In Marty Mcfly fashion Donnie has to set the world right again, which he does, thats why it seems like nothing happened at the end, because no one else knows about the events of the film, the time-line has been restored. Everyone crying at the end is because the memories of their actions while in the tangent universe come to them in dreams (eg Patrick Swayze crying, Frank holding his eye where he was shot).
The last one I havent seen.
I would suggest renting Donnie Darko and looking at the extra features, it explains alot. The commentary does too.
Sorry if this doesnt make sense, it sure as hell does in my head.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-04-24 12:54:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like an awesome childhood. My neighbor as a child, who was a very old guy, trapped a native black-footed ferret once that I got to go over and see before the DNR came and picked it up.
Actually, there are 2 neighborhood children who've been in my house alone with me, to see my ferrets. As soon as I showed them the ferrets, I realized how stupid and weird I was for letting these kids in my house without parents around.
Not to worry though, a few weeks later, I saw one of the boys walking around the neighborhood with a labra-mutt. We've had problems in the past with people not leashing, or spay/neutering, or even attempting to control their mutts which resulted in many dead pets on my part, so when his lab/mutt decided to snap at me and generally act agressively, I screamed:
"If you don't leash your fucking mutt, I'm going home, getting my .38, and putting a slug in it's fucking head!"
The neighborhood kids don't come around anymore.
Even more insane than my outburst, not a single parent bothered to confront me about it, and no police ever questioned me.
Goddamn it feels good to be a gangsta.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-04-24 12:48:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA!!
http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-04-24 12:37:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Tl;dr
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-04-24 12:35:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Weird.
I'll be in S. A-town in about an hour.
I'll have to watch out for turtles.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-04-24 12:24:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-04-24 12:24:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hartman in no more than 100 words describe the plot of all three of those movies please.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-24 12:23:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-04-24 12:18:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Some things you look back on and think to yourself, what the holiest of mother fucks was that about?"
Sounds like what I was thinking right after 2001: A Space Odyssey, Donnie Darko and Persona ended.
=====================
Oh you wonderful simpleton
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-04-24 12:21:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sicosemen
<above>
icarus1987
===========
verdict reached, case closed.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2009-04-24 12:21:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Going back though I think it was quite odd that we met a turtle man in the middle of the city, willingly went into a strangers house, and furthermore didn't receive any emotional scarring because of it. I don't think there's any real point to this other than the world needs more people like The Turtle Man with Super Balls."
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-04-24 12:20:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You'd think so, but no.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-04-24 12:19:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's got to be better than the trolling equivalent to electro trying.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-04-24 12:18:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You are the blogging equivalent to paint drying.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-04-24 12:18:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Some things you look back on and think to yourself, what the holiest of mother fucks was that about?"
Sounds like what I was thinking right after 2001: A Space Odyssey, Donnie Darko and Persona ended.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-04-24 12:12:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
He may have even *threw* the super balls and it might even be *brothers.*
Suck it, Trebek.