Uber Pirates & Privateers - 2 (1010 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: Uber-Pirates
Rating: 1.52 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Kaos-King (antius777) (View user info) at 2009-04-19 12:56:10 EDT
PART 1 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/121886
Cap' n Indo's ship sailed across choppy waters towards to the coordinates that Merlina had given IDDQD. The Peacenik vessel was badly damaged, and wouldn't last afloat much longer. Indo was not upset by this is the slightest. Those bleeding-heart enablers were making his job out here all the harder. Their leader, Cap'n Berg, was the worst.
As the distress ship came into sight, Indo started shouting out commands to his crew. It could very well be a trap, although Berg wasn't know for anything resembling treachery. The quartermaster Sage and the medic Forensic were in the communications bunker with the Comm Officer IDDQD. Hartman and Sico were posed behind their giant machine guns, Caul and Snark positioned with their sniper rifles. McCallum, obliviously to the activity, was still down in the pit with his victims. Indo and his 1st mate Skrap stood ready for anything.
The enemy ship drew near and its injuries became more apparent. Still ablaze in some sections, it was taking on water. Two bodies lay bleeding over the side. A thin young man frantically danced on the upper deck with a white flag.
"Right then, crew!" yelled Indo. "All looks good, but be careful going in. We have to establish if..."
A shot rang out and the young man over on the Peacenik ship dropped.
"God damn it, Caul!"
"What?" replied the sniper up in the crow's nest, dressed in fabulous drag.
Indo swore louder and gestured to Sico to deploy the grappling hooks. Drawing the ships together, Skarp pointed to Snark to go recon. The sniper shouldered his rifle and produced two handguns. Skipping over onto the other vessel, he made a quick sweep of the deck. Snark paused to kick the recent corpse, a smoking hole where a head used to be.
"Who we got?" asked Indo.
"Pretty sure it was Haiku."
Indo grunted and turned to his crew. "Sico, get Forensic. You two and Snark are with me. Skrap, don't let Caul shoot anybody else."
Cap'n Indo and his team swept across the upper deck. The Britishers had ravaged the Peacenik ship viciously. Had IDDQD not heard that distress signal...
"Don't shoot! Don't shoot!" screamed Merlina as the team launched themselves down onto the lower deck.
With Haiku now dead, that left 4 survivors, one of which was terribly injured. Crystle sobbed into the arms of Lungfish while Merlina held on the broken body of Cap'n Berg. Indo motioned to Snark and Sico to secure the rest of the ship while Forensic took a look at Berg. Nearby, three bodies all sat in cooling blood. Munkey, Monkey and Dervel.
"Why did you five get to live?" ask Indo.
"We weren't on their list!" wept Crystle.
"Huh?"
"Apollo's band are little more than pirates, themselves," spat Merlina. "I thought privateers were suppose to be fighting to keep the waters safe!"
"Difficult when you're aiding the pirates," scoffed Forensic.
Berg clenched his teeth through the pain. "These pirates are simply starving refugees who have resorted to criminal acts because the world had forgotten how to properly..."
"Shut the fuck up," said Forensic tightening his tourniquet and making the captain yelp in pain.
"Yeah, 'starving refugees.' Just like those bastards on the SS ShlongyStyle. I'm sure they're suffering," growled Indo.
The Peaceniks all grew silent... except for Lungfish who just laughed.
"That old crook? You know why he's got a pirate crew out on these waters, right?"
Everyone turned to look at the old hippie.
"Shit, he's trying to bankroll a comeback tour," laughed Lungfish.
"Christ," cursed Indo, who glance down at Forensic.
She motioned sideways with her eyes.
"Well folks, time to go. Ah... all except you, Berg."
"What!"
"A real captain goes down with his ship."
"I'm not going without Berg!" cried Merlina.
"Neither am I!" said Crystle.
"Fuck that, I'm outta here," said Lungfish.
"Here, I'll make this easy..." said Indo who pulled out a pistol and before anyone could blink, shot Berg in the center of the head.
The two women screamed as they were splattered with blood.
"He was already dying from internal bleeding," stated Forensic as she pulled off her gloves.
"Snark, secure the prisoners," said Indo.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * MEANWHILE
Hadley read the message again and swore out loud this time. As much as Apollo was a raging bastard, he wouldn't make something like this up just to tease them. The Peacenik vessel had been destroyed by his crew and that meant...
That meant Crystle was either dead or captured.
The Comm Officer let loose a barrage of curse words.
"What's up?" asked NKD walking into the communications bunker.
"Where's Captain Scourge?"
"The 1st mate sighed. "Trying to get our new quartermaster acclimated to her duties."
So far the transistion from Crystle to Ghola was proving... problematic.
"We, eh... we have a situation," said Hadley.
"What?"
"The Britishers have destroyed the Peacenik vessel."
"So? Those assholes have... oh!" NKD suddenly realized.
"Yeah."
"Shit, I don't know what will piss him off more?" mused NKD.
"I'm going to go with all of it."
Their medic LittleMonster stuck her head in room. "Has anyone fed Kaos yet today?"
"Who cares?" replies Hadley.
"Be nice. Our Inquisitor needs to eat."
"I hear Indo just lets McCallum eat his prisoners," remarked NKD.
"Ewww!" exclaimed LittleMonster before retreating.
Once she was well down the deck, NKD turned back to Hadley. "Well?"
"Well? Well I think Scourge is going to end up killing somebody over this."
User Reviews
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-04-30 01:27:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I forgot you can search for your name on this website.
Did typing up my death make your balls tingle? No matter, the inaccuracy in this piece is the only thing worth mentioning. You see, I'm actually impervious to bullets:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/113407
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2009-04-23 11:10:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-04-21 14:35:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oops.... it was ghola and you were ready to have sex with her dead body.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/112391
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-04-21 14:26:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aha... there i am. reminded me that the last of these I wrote involved you fawning over (among other distrurbing things) crystle... might have to go back and read that one again.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-04-21 04:22:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
whats happened to inquisitor EmissionImpossible?
He was the bees knees
Submitted by reginajacks (user info) at 2009-04-20 19:18:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
too in for win
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-04-20 18:09:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now don't do anything stupid like killing off your medics.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-04-20 18:06:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
CTRL + F: Sacrilicious
EW
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-04-20 17:40:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
there's nobody left WORTH killing. unless it's the poet.
auto +2 me
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-04-20 17:17:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2009-04-20 10:17:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was hoping this would be a platform to mock me.
I was going to give it a +1, but the shooting Berg in the head pushed it up to a +2.
---
I kinda figured you'd get a little boner over that, dork.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2009-04-20 15:52:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh STFU Bicth....
So far, he's only made MY character listless.
hehehehe
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-04-20 04:04:32 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Let's see, so far you've made my character surly and ungenteel. Are you trying to tell me something?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2009-04-20 15:45:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"We weren't on their list!" wept Crystle.
Ahahahaha - TOO perfect!!
Keep this going :-)
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-04-20 11:54:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pirate quartermasters
Through a historical oddity, pirates during the Golden Age of Piracy elevated the rank of quartermaster to much higher powers and responsibilities than it had aboard any merchant or naval vessel.
Pirate quartermasters, like pirate captains, were usually elected by their crews. The quartermaster ranked higher than any officer aboard the ship except the captain himself, and could veto the captain's decisions whenever the ship was not chasing a prize or engaged in battle. The quartermaster also was chiefly responsible for discipline, assessing punishments for crewmen who transgressed the articles. It was generally also the quartermaster's responsibility to lead the pirate boarding party when coming aboard another ship. Several quartermasters, notably Calico Jack Rackham, succeeded to command and became captains in their own right after the previous captain was killed or deposed.
Although a minority of pirate scholars dismiss the accepted version of the pirate quartermaster's importance, it is well supported by the extant secondary sources such as Charles Johnson, Cordingly and Botting, and overwhelmingly borne out by the primary sources, including Ringrose, Dampier, Snelgrave, Trott, and George Roberts.
**************************************
Compliments of http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quartermaster in the "Pirate quartermaster" section. Oooohhhh yeeeaaahhh.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-04-20 11:38:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I die? Lame. 2 things,
A) Why am I on the peacenik ship? I jumped that ship some time ago, see :http://www.ubersite.com/m/121724
B) Monkeyswithguns has guns, and lots of them. If I were on the peacenik ship, it would have been so that I could have plausible deniability. Basically we'd be flying false flags while I psycho-manipulated the crew that we were going to save some whales or something like that. Then I would have single-handedly slew everyone on the open ocean, whales included for irony's sake, and continued my rampage on a skateboard, or "land canoe."
Zur Hölle mit ihr und ποιος φροντίζει!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-04-20 10:18:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Butt-Pirates of the Caribbean II: The Quest for Semen.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2009-04-20 10:17:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was hoping this would be a platform to mock me.
I was going to give it a +1, but the shooting Berg in the head pushed it up to a +2.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-04-20 08:50:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was quite amusing. I'm going to Wiki "quartermaster". I should have done that with the last one but I think I was smoking weed at home or something. Now I'm bored @ work.
(No that's not a B@W nod.)
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-04-20 08:16:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep 'em coming.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-20 08:15:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love how Im hanging out with sico and then sico has all this shit to do but I am (apparently) just sitting there watching.
Thats TOTALLY what I would do anyway.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-04-20 07:04:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Let's see, so far you've made my character surly and ungenteel. Are you trying to tell me something?
Submitted by slank (user info) at 2009-04-20 06:59:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you're all queer
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2009-04-20 01:43:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i pretty much just scrolled through this to see if i was mentioned. im pretty sure this is the second time kaosking has done something like this to me.
dick.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-04-19 23:57:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When is Snark going to shoot me in the weiner?
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2009-04-19 23:19:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What is going on here? What ship am I on? I'm so confused.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-04-19 21:29:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like these.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2009-04-19 21:22:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plagiarism! PLAAAAAAAAAYGERISMMMMMMMMMM!!!!! The 'Frenchman in a crow's nest' concept is MINE!!!
==YOU==
A shot rang out and the young man over on the Peacenik ship dropped.
"God damn it, Caul!"
"What?" replied the sniper up in the crow's nest, dressed in fabulous drag.
==ME==
A crewman in the crow's nest of the ship let out a garbled cry. He sounded like a man overjoyed to be strangling on his own tongue.
Smith and Cory looked up.
"It's the French man," Cory said. "Mr. Caul. He's funny."
"That's not the word I would use," Smith said.
Caul was gesturing frantically at the rigging and yelling.
Smith heard 'Luhwahzoh! Luwahzoh!'
Smith cupped his hands and hollered. "Jean! What is it?"
Cory pulled on Smith's shirt sleeve. "Kes-kuh-seh, dad."
Caul shouted, "L'oiseau!"
Smith looked at Cory. Cory shrugged a very Smith-like shrug.
Caul shouted again. "Merde! Les Américains! C'est un oiseau!"
"Oh," Cory said. "A bird. He says it's a bird."
Smith let his hands rest on the guns that were always on his hips. If another seagull shit on him it was going to be shark food. He hated the things.
"Wow," Cory said.
Smith saw it. Just under Caul, and far above the deck, a little bird sat on a taut rope.
It wasn't a sea bird. It was small, and somewhat drab in color. It was a finch. It opened its beak and spoke in music.
(From 'After The Pandemic - Smith: The End of the World (10) Conclusion, or, The End of the End of the World' http://www.ubersite.com/m/74386)
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-04-19 20:40:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yet another list Crystal didnt make it on to...
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2009-04-19 20:01:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ON THE PEACENIK VESSEL GODDAMMIT. I'LL SMASH YOUR FACE! RAAAA.
.
.
.
Smooches!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-04-19 19:21:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-04-19 14:18:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Skarp wtf?
==========
Skarpmuddle, injuneer.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-04-19 18:06:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would just like to politely point out that I haven't shot anyone in the Ding Dong yet.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-04-19 18:06:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do I get to be a ghost?
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2009-04-19 18:02:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
For obvious reasons
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2009-04-19 16:12:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha awesome
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2009-04-19 16:02:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Name dropping AND pirates? Everyone'll eat this shit right up.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2009-04-19 15:39:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-04-19 14:51:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is a 'Oz' pirate adventure, needs more rape.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2009-04-19 14:34:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I could have, at least, been a piece of jetsam.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2009-04-19 14:33:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
EXCUSE ME WHERE AM I
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2009-04-19 14:28:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I went to Pirate Invasion in Fells Point last night. Pretty sweet, that was. My only complaint is that I didn't drink nearly enough; but I also avoided the public restrooms so it's still pretty much a win.
Odd how much of my life is revolving around pirates recently.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-04-19 14:18:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Skarp wtf?
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2009-04-19 14:06:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Cabin Boy Drake?
This be a conspiracy....ARRRRR!!!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-04-19 13:43:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-04-19 13:41:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this + ubermen = only thing you've ever written that i've enjoyed.
that's sad
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2009-04-19 13:34:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck. ing. hell. Now I'm going to have to read the first one, aren't I? Jesus. Not now, though. I'm busy looking up old girlfriends on Facebook. And by old I mean *old*.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-04-19 13:30:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fabulous darling!
Submitted by bozznc (user info) at 2009-04-19 13:28:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more Forensic.. Or more rape.. Can't decide which. But if you combined the two, you'd be a genius!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-04-19 13:24:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more Red.