End of the world nonsense (964 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.6 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (View user info) at 2009-04-15 17:59:32 EDT
They call us Bunny Crews.
Yeah, it sounds ridiculous, like we're a bunch of wimps or something, but we have the tough job.
It's easy for the skyboys to sit behind their big pulseguns and blast ripships out of the sky as they come tumbling through the interdimensional tears created by their drive units. No one knows why the ships come through the rips in the sky and no one knows why they always hover in place for eighteen hours before they commence firing on populated areas below, but after the first ripships took out Baltimore, Liverpool, and almost all of Bangladesh (and some people thank God the ripships started there. After all, no great loss, right?) we started fighting back. The Skycorps was created almost overnight, and their dirigibles armed with pulseguns patrol the planet, taking out idle ripships with ease.
It's easy for the salvage crews to collect the scrap from the fallen ripships and the occasional elementary school or hospital flattened by a plummeting alien craft. They simply gather everything with their dozers and dump trucks, taking raw metals and plastics and ceramics to recycling centers and saving a few mangled weapons and computers for the eggheads to play with. As jobs go, it's a no-brainer.
Bunny Crews, though, we have the tough job. We are the ones who face life and death every day, and when we aren't on the front lines of a ground war on our own turf we're cleaning up biological messes that can make the hardest man puke.
The ripships are manned by creatures that look like eight foot tall bunnies. Bunnies with attitude. Bunnies armed with claws and fangs and molecular destabilizer pistols that essentially melt human flesh and bone; it's a grim way to die, let me tell you.
Bunny Crews not only have to fight any surviving Bunnies that reach the ground unscathed, but we also have to clean up their exploded bodies before the salvage crews can get to work. Yeah, we're the ones wearing the bright red overalls (someone once told me that bright cherry red has a wavelength that fucks with bunny eyes and makes them weep until they are almost blind), entering smoking, burning, unstable ripship wrecks to kill off any survivors and haul away the dead, from 300 lb bodies to scraps of fur and not yet reingested pellets of soft Bunny shit.
Yeah, they eat* their own shit. They eat their own shit and they want to kill every human being on Earth. If there's a nastier creature alive, I haven't met one.
You want to know what's scary? Try walking through a ship that is going to collapse or explode any moment. Stepping in God-knows-what. Shooting down wounded Bunnies as they hiss and bite. Chasing after survivors that have learned how to seek out and use human sunglasses to protect their weeping Bunny eyes from our cherry red overalls. Try facing up against one of those motherfuckers when one of them is armed. Hell, even if all the bunny has is a knife, you're in for a tough fight. These fuckers are eight feet tall and they kick like mules, and I once saw a Bunny go for the neck and gnaw a man's head free of his body in ten seconds.
We carry shotguns and slingshots. The slingshots fire Alka-Seltzer pellets. Bunnies can't puke, you see? You get a couple of Alka-Seltzer pellets down a Bunny throat and those big hairy hopping fuckers are completely incapacitated. Then its shotgun time or we can leave the bunnies to die an agonizing death as their guts expand and rupture... but most of us aren't that cruel. This is a job, not a calling.
Somebody has to do the dirty work, though. And that's what the lotteries are for. Depending on your ticket you'll either be a skyboy, a salvager, or a Bunnyhunter. I've heard talk that the lotteries are rigged, but it's too late for me to do anything about that. I'm in, and I'm in until it's over.
It's dusk now. Night is coming on. Bunnies that have survived a fall out of the sky are heading out to forage and reconnoiter. And the San Fernando Valley Bunnyhunters, my crew, is heading out to track their trails of droppings and kill them one by one.
It's what we do.
We're a Bunny Crew.
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*Rabbits are herbivores who feed by grazing on grass, forbs, and leafy weeds. In consequence, their diet contains large amounts of cellulose, which is hard to digest. Rabbits solve this problem by passing two distinct types of feces: hard droppings and soft black viscous pellets, the latter of which are immediately eaten. Rabbits reingest their own droppings to digest their food further and extract sufficient nutrients.
...
Hard pellets are made up of hay-like fragments of plant cuticle and stalk, being the final waste product after redigestion of soft pellets. Soft pellets are usually produced several hours after grazing, after the hard pellets have all been excreted. They are made up of micro-organisms and undigested plant cell walls.
The chewed plant material collects in the large cecum, a secondary chamber between the large and small intestine containing large quantities of symbiotic bacteria that help with the digestion of cellulose and also produce certain B vitamins... The soft feces form here and contain up to five times the vitamins of hard feces. After being excreted, they are eaten whole by the rabbit and redigested in a special part of the stomach. This double-digestion process enables rabbits to use nutrients that they may have missed during the first passage through the gut, and thus ensures that maximum nutrition is derived from the food they eat. This process serves the same purpose within the rabbit as rumination does in cattle and sheep.
Rabbits are incapable of vomiting due to the physiology of their digestive system.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rabbit#Diet_and_eating_habits
User Reviews
Submitted by heyzues (user info) at 2009-04-20 14:34:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't visit uber much any more, mostly because ubersite has gotten pretty stagnant as far as new material goes. Even when I do check out uber I very rarely log on. When I read this however I just couldn't resist. You should definately pursue this story arch. I would love to read more.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2009-04-20 14:09:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic.
Submitted by mles76 (user info) at 2009-04-20 13:41:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-04-20 13:26:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2009-04-17 10:19:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ooooh! Poor bun-buns!
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2009-04-16 22:11:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love when you post good shit like this.
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-04-16 20:50:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SilentRenegade (user info) at 2009-04-16 19:25:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thats pretty sweet too
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-04-16 14:17:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate to do it, but I can't, in good conscience give inter-dimensional ray-gun toting killer bunnies anything but +2
Submitted by Sidivan (user info) at 2009-04-16 13:06:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I did not know rabbits eat their own shit. If I could give you a +3 I would because not only was I entertained, but also educated.
Submitted by Esoterica (user info) at 2009-04-16 12:38:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-04-16 12:08:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA!!! Awesome...
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-04-16 09:04:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I once saw a Bunny go for the neck and gnaw a man's head free of his body in ten seconds."
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This reminded me of Monty Python's Search for the Holy Grail.
Tim: There he is!
King Arthur: Where?
Tim: There!
King Arthur: What? Behind the rabbit?
Tim: It *is* the rabbit!
King Arthur: You silly sod!
Tim: What?
King Arthur: You got us all worked up!
Tim: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit.
King Arthur: Ohh.
Tim: That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!
Sir Robin: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
Tim: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!
Sir Galahad: Get stuffed!
Tim: He'll do you up a treat, mate.
Sir Galahad: Oh, yeah?
Sir Robin: You manky Scots git!
Tim: I'm warning you!
Sir Robin: What's he do? Nibble your bum?
Tim: He's got huge, sharp... er... He can leap about. Look at the bones!
King Arthur: Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
Sir Bors: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-16 09:02:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this reminds me of that internet game where you shoot parachuting bunnies out of the air with carrots.
McFiction.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-04-16 08:58:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sympathy +2
Submitted by TLawrence (user info) at 2009-04-16 04:57:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2009-04-16 02:23:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awwwwwwwwwww... I love Bunnies!
But I look good in Cherry Red... I'm torn on this one...
I think I'll just say I'm not REALLY bad, just drawn that way.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-04-15 23:10:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DONNIE DARKO TO THE WHITE COURTESY PHONE, MR DARKO TO THE WHITE PHONE,PLEASE
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2009-04-15 22:38:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Loved it!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2009-04-15 21:23:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-04-15 21:18:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
eh, good enough for a racist, sexist, homophobic...
ah fuck it, you get the picture. i just don't have it in me tonight. haven't worked much (in office anyway. tore down a garage and
goddamn that wears you out) in almost two weeks and i don't really need to let off any steam.
I'LL BE BACK THOUGH, OUTSIDER.
--
I'll know when you are comin. I have a source. The Insider.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-04-15 21:18:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
eh, good enough for a racist, sexist, homophobic...
ah fuck it, you get the picture. i just don't have it in me tonight. haven't worked much (in office anyway. tore down a garage and goddamn that wears you out) in almost two weeks and i don't really need to let off any steam.
I'LL BE BACK THOUGH, OUTSIDER.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-04-15 19:58:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-04-15 18:53:52 EDT (#)
+2 McFiction.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-04-15 18:54:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin +2 already
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-04-15 18:54:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I said +2 goddamnit!
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-04-15 18:53:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2009-04-15 17:59:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, I wrote a story about eight foot tall sunglasses-wearing ray-gun-shooting bunnies from another world. You got a problem with that?
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No, I do not. +2 McFiction.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-04-15 18:53:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/109077#2440889
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2009-04-15 18:24:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2009-04-15 18:15:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2009-04-15 18:03:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcrg0B_yJAo
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God damn it. All the good ideas are taken.
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2009-04-15 18:14:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, sir. Well done Jack.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-04-15 18:11:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dat wascally wabbit.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2009-04-15 18:03:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcrg0B_yJAo
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2009-04-15 17:59:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, I wrote a story about eight foot tall sunglasses-wearing ray-gun-shooting bunnies from another world. You got a problem with that?