My wife rides into the room on the back of a donkey (745 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.72 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Fungah (View user info) at 2009-04-09 13:06:24 EDT
She has a penguin in hand. Her neck is tilted backward, and she's gazing at the ceiling, warbling. She's throat-singing. Godspeed you black emperor! is on the stereo, and I'm wearing skinny jeans and Buddy Holly glasses. My hair looks like a bird's nest.
"It begins!" I scream, tearing off my shirt. My wife's voice rises to a fevered pitch and she hurls the penguin at the wall. It quacks and skitters off toward the closet. It was very frightened now, as it should be.
My wife leaps off the donkey and grabs its reigns. I throw open the door to my balcony. My wife kicks the ass in its ass and it leaps from the Balcony like a buffalo off of a cliff, landing dazed on the ground below. It runs off into the night whooping, tearing up the suburban grass that glitters with dew in sodium lamplight.
I put on a Richard Nixon mask. My wife rushes to the bed, crawls underneath, still throat singing, never taking her eyes off of the ceiling. It's my son's eighteenth birthday. I pull the miniature palm from its pot, and scream. I charge out of the bedroom toward my son's room.
"You're 18 now, get the fuck out of my house!" I scream, wildly lashing him with the palm's razor-like leaves. He belts out the Canadian national anthem. The ritual is complete. He runs from the room, ruck sack on his back, and climbs down the rope ladder suspended from his window. "thank you, father!" he yells upward into the open window. I throw the plant out after him.
I go back to the bedroom. My wife has unleashed the crabs, and they skitter around the shag carpetting, pinching at my toes.
"THEY GROW UP SO FAST!" She screams from the bed.
"THE BIRTHDAY RITUAL IS COMPLETE", I reply, leaping on to the bed.
"YES, THEY WILL SOON BE HERE!" She screams, her face red, veins bulging from her forehead.
Indeed, the vortex was opening. The crabs skittered from the room, the penguin following them, all of them gripped in mortal fear at the coming of the queen and her cohorts. The queen of england, Queen Elizabeth II, and her escorts; George Washington and Joseph Stalin, entered my bedroom.The ritual was complete.
My wife grabebd my arm and whispered: "kung fu?"
"Yes" I replied. "Kung fu."
I leapt from the bed, and the kung fu battle commenced. I primarily utilized fisticuffs, while the queen and her escorts used karate kicks and attacked me with tongfas. I was victorious, and they were banished back to the Netherlands from whence they came.
The crabs returned now, being free from the evil influence of the vortex. They brought margueritas with them. The margueritas were delicious. My wife and I drank deeply of the margueritas, becoming intoxicated, while the crabs skittered around the floor, dancing.
Finally, we have completed the ritual. But there is a knock on the door. I travel downstairs to the door, and it is my neighbor. He wishes to borrow my weed-wacker. The hairs on my neck stand up, as another vortex begins to open.
"Oh no" I say. "Not again."
User Reviews
Submitted by Judgement (user info) at 2009-04-13 16:18:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-04-10 22:46:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LOL
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2009-04-10 18:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Crazy good!
Submitted by Sidivan (user info) at 2009-04-10 15:21:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*blink blink*
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-04-10 14:54:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-04-09 15:24:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a strange and disturbed individual indeed.
Wanna make out whilst wearing chicken suits?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-04-09 17:12:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
monkey?
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2009-04-09 16:47:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I once rode a donkey. That was riding Method's Mom.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-04-09 15:24:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a strange and disturbed individual indeed.
Wanna make out whilst wearing chicken suits?
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2009-04-09 15:13:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2009-04-09 14:49:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"It runs off into the night whooping, tearing up the suburban grass that glitters with dew in sodium lamplight."
I assume it was a High Pressure Sodium light as opposed to a Low Pressure Sodium.
The Low pressure sodium lamp is used in areas to discourage loitering, the light given off has a very poor color rendering index or CRI. People find it disconcerting to bask in this light as the reds and greens wash out, everything takes on a muddy look. It is used outside retail locations.
you dont live over a store do you?
If not I'm confident it was a High Pressure Sodium lamp.
thanks
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2009-04-09 14:47:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-04-09 14:38:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-04-09 14:27:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Manic and excellent!
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2009-04-09 14:06:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-04-09 13:42:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Que?
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2009-04-09 13:38:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where did the wife unleash the crabs from...
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2009-04-09 13:37:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All my crabs ever do is give me an itch! :(
Submitted by secret_of_nimh (user info) at 2009-04-09 13:37:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Twisted
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2009-04-09 13:25:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wasn't this an episode of Dawson's Creek?
Not that I ever watched that show. In fact, I don't even know it exists.
7th Heaven, on the other hand...
What?
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-04-09 13:13:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I suspect that at least one and possibly as many as three of the people who inhabit your psyche may be insane.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-04-09 13:12:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Donkey's don't get enough facetime in stories imho.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-09 13:09:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
holy shit, you are one crazy mutant.
your name should be BOB ARCTOR.