Jimison & Crombie: The Valencian’s Spawn (651 hits)
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Submitted by Jack_McCallum (View user info) at 2009-04-07 16:21:57 EDT
Jimison & Crombie: The Valencian's Spawn
1 -In Which Crombie is to be Eunicised-
"'Ee iss to be unminned," the man with the waxed moustache said.
The man with the waxed moustache talked funny on account of his jawbone being ripped off and replaced with a substitute whittled down from the jaw of a bear. It was covered in soft suede and held in place with oiled leather straps that shone in the yellow lamplight. The fact that his missing bottom lip had been replaced with a few inches of bull pizzle that had to be softened at regular intervals with applications of tallow didn't help matters any.
No one knew where the man with the waxed moustache hailed from. The Spaniards called him El Alemán, figuring him for Prussian. The Germans called him the Smutzigger Fransose, which I think means the stinking Frenchman; at least that how it sounded to me. The French called him L'Espangnol, thinking he was a Spaniard, and along the Treaty line in western Missouri Territory he was called the Valencian.
The Valencian had six men with him. He called them his Fine Boys. Crombie and me didn't see what was so superb about these big, bovine assistants.
"Tick a niff, an do eet," the Valencian said.
The Fine boys were wearing black hoods. They shuffled some, and looked at each other, the hoods silently belling and falling in front of their mouths.
We were in irons, Crombie and me, hanging from spikes driven into the old logs that made the ceiling of Crombie's root cellar. Crombie's wrists were bound and hanging by his right ear. My arms were all pulled out and I was standing on tip-toes to keep my wrists from braking. Crombie was a tall man and built his root cellar to his own size.
The faintest smell of apples and spices had been crowded out by the smell of sweat.
Crombie had chosen to set up a homestead in the far western Missouri Territory, right on the line between America and Spain as agreed upon a few years earlier in the Spanish Treaty of 1819. Crombie wanted to live alone, having been cooped up with others all his life as a slave, and he had figured that it would take some considerable time for natural expansion to bring people his way. What he hadn't figured on was that the Valencian, either on orders from Spain or following some crazed personal impetus, had decided to start harassing homesteaders like Crombie. That vile foreigner had burned out many settlers, and had free reign out here, far from the seat of government and the reach of American law and order.
The Valecian was getting out of sorts. He tweaked the curls of his waxed moustache and took a small ornate silver box from the purse on his belt. He raised the lid of the box and both me and Crombie winced, smelling rancid tallow. The Valencian smeared the tallow on his pizzle with a pinky finger, rubbing it in and eyeing us with disdain.
"Mister," Crombie said, wrinkling his nose, "That there fat you jus' broke out smells worse'n your fellows."
The Fine Boys missed the insult, and just as well. Crombie caught more beatings than any man I've ever known, mostly on account of his flapping gums.
He was real outspoken and told things true, and that ain't the best way to conduct yourself when you're a slave. Course he wasn't a slave now, he was my friend, ever since he saved me from the gator pit out back of Miss Florence Petter's whorehouse down Florida way when I was getting fed to the gators for partaking of quim without a dollar to my name and Crombie's master was getting serviced elsewhere in that house of sin. I later balanced my debt to Crombie by paying for his freedom and getting the notarized document to prove he was emancipated.
Incidentally, Florida was where we first heard of the Valencian and his peculiar ways, cause of course that was back when Florida still belonged to Spain and there was a lot of strife between Americans and Spaniards as well as the odd bitter Englishman skulking around.
The Valencian sneered, one curl of his moustache nearly poking him in the eye. He reached out and released the cord holding up Crombie's trousers. The clothing that was mostly patches on patches pooled around his ankles. The Valencian gave Crombie's pecker a disdainful swat with the back of his hand, sending Crombie's organ of generation swinging like a rat in a hangman's noose.
I looked down and said, "Looks like somebody got on the right side of the Lord."
"Got to have some good to outweigh the bad," Crombie said, forcing a grin.
The Valencian took a long dagger from a jeweled scabbard on his belt and held it before one of his Fine Boys. "Tick dis niff," he said. "Sliss uf hiss bells."
The Fine Boy's hood went as concave as a spoon when the man gasped.
Crombie looked at me in disbelief. "Jimison, I'm not ready to lose mah manhood just yet."
The Valencian held out the dagger.
The Fine Boy took a step backward and raised his hands. "I don't want to touch no darkie dingus," he said.
"You san uf a beech," the Valencian hissed.
The spike holding the chain that bound my wrists gave a wiggle. It appeared Crombie wasn't too particular when it came to selecting logs for his home. This one was half rotted. I reached up and grabbed the spike and started working it free.
A lovely young woman in high polished boots came down the stairs into the root cellar. She had a crazed gleam in her eye as she took the dagger out of the evil foreigner's hand.
"Allow me, papa," she said.
"Hijaaa," the Valencian sighed. He kissed the woman on the cheek.
This was the Valencian's daughter? I was flabbergasted.
She looked like an angel, with snow white skin and eyes as dark as her hair. She was wearing a navy silk waistcoat over a soft white chemise, and black brushed velvet trousers that clung so tightly to her jostling and I dare say highly prominent buttocks that you could either stare lustfully or condemn her to the fiery pits of hell for perpetuating such a delicious obscenity.
She stepped forward and pushed Crombie's wick out of the way. Then she grabbed his vulnerable sack, pulling the flesh taut.
Crombie let out a wail. "Mah seed!"
I was hoping to ease my spike free and brandish it as a weapon. I wasn't expecting the spike and a sizable wedge of wood and a whole lot of earth to come ripping out of the ceiling all at once. The wood clipped the Valencian on the top of the head and then the point of the spike dredged a bloody chasm down his left cheek. Before it was done the spike tore off the Valencian's grizzly bear jawbone.
"Damn me all to hell," I said to our captor. "That's the second time I accidentally tore off your jaw. I'm mighty sorry."
The Valencian let out a series of outraged groans and whistles while almost a foot of healthy tongue dangled and danced around.
The Fine Boys rushed at me, raising clubs and knives. One of their bulbous heads hit the hanging lantern and started it a swinging.
The lovely woman in the boots let out a crazy caw of laughter like some carrion bird and swiped the knife toward my friend's most manly parts.
Crombie cried, "Oh, Jesus!"
And then the whole ceiling of his improperly constructed root cellar came down on our heads and the lights went out.
--
(I found this opening chapter buried on my hard drive. Comments welcome.)
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-04-18 20:28:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-04-09 00:58:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah, you were certainly more boring back then.
at least you keep it concise nowadays.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-04-08 22:54:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Some highlights:
To Bubba:
"Do you get some sort of secret glee acting like such an obtuse ignorant retard?
I'm genuinely curious.
Because that would be cool. I mean if you are actually AWARE of how stupid you are being and playing up the whole "its only the internet so this is is all make believe pretend-time" dipshit act simply to rile up them fake internet peoples who are dumb enough to invest their precious 'emotions' into this anonymous communication tool / magical porn machine.
That would be better than cool... it would be closer to awesome!
Is that it? Are you really a genius -acting- like an annoying turd just for shitz-unta-gigglz?
Bubba the savant?
I wonder... or are you truly some crusty old sycophantic dickhead who actually IS that fucking clueless and should be beaten repeatedly with his own keyboard?
hmm... either way that jgreening kid needs to be committed."
---
To Caul:
"... your detachment to what you throw out into the ether is VERY convenient if you want to avoid the fact that you have the capacity to actually hurt the feelings of the people you target.
You are fucking ruthless dude... you find a weakness and once exposed you tear that shit open, piss in the open wound and then rub that fucker raw. You are particularly vicious when you have a "cam-whore" to work with. I cringe sometimes when I read what you throw out there."
---
That shit is pure gold - "I serve up only the highest quality intellectual diarrhea."
I certainly had a lot more time to waste back then.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-04-08 20:29:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/95665#2882599
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2009-04-08 19:38:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
jack and sico taking the moral high ground.
awesome.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-04-08 18:37:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-04-08 17:44:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The most amazing thing about that post? Shlongy being the first to raise the voice of reason."
---
Not at all... he has always been incredibly stand-upish about stuff like that - most likely because of his own experiences with PFF.
There are imaginary lines of discretion that should not be crossed. Certain individuals like frolicking along them, though.
===
please read all replies by rob berg here: http://www.ubersite.com/m/95665
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-04-08 17:44:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The most amazing thing about that post? Shlongy being the first to raise the voice of reason."
---
Not at all... he has always been incredibly stand-upish about stuff like that - most likely because of his own experiences with PFF.
There are imaginary lines of discretion that should not be crossed. Certain individuals like frolicking along them, though.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-04-08 12:12:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-04-08 11:45:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-04-08 08:26:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, for what it is worth...sorry you had to deal with all that bullshit of people posting your info. It quite sucks really and would never wish that upon anyone.
===
his info was in something in post. i posted a camwhore and someone found out my street. some guy once found out for who i worked for in my early days here. doesn't matter.
what matters is fucktards like jaypeg who actively go out there and try to hurt people. and people like jack_mccullum who support it (and would probably do the same given the occasion) are no better. it's just funny to see jack talk about the "voice of reason" now. what a joke. the guy's a real life loser just like jaypeg who thought that what happened to oathmeal was A-Ok so don't go think he wouldn't do it himself. if anything, having some of his own info out there might put a little reason into his ginger head.
btw, sico, aren't you the one posting pictures of naked girls you know? do those girls know? that sure is classy, man!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-04-08 11:33:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2009-04-08 08:56:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-04-08 08:26:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTFINRAT.
Also, for what it is worth...sorry you had to deal with all that bullshit of people posting your info. It quite sucks really and would never wish that upon anyone.
--
And let me say (as my 1st coffee kicks in) that I have spent a bit of time reading those old jaypeg links that Caul lovingly saves in his big uber spreadsheet and I regret having said anyone deserved anything like that kind of shit. Heat of the moment and all. I do find it funny that some people are convinced they know where I work - let's just say here are a lot of businesses crammed into a couple of buildings I visit so if anyone wants to get me in shit they will have to send a lot of emails. The most amazing thing about that post? Shlongy being the first to raise the voice of reason.
===
we didn't "search" your info. it was right there in one of your post. in one of my post, someone found my adress based on the surroundings. so what? no one attacked me or you, quit panicking.
if it happens, it certainly wouldn't be me, cuz like Shlongy, i thought what jaypeg did to oathmeal with craiglist was really low.
you however, thought it was the greatest thing ever and it kinda speaks volume about what kind of person you are.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-04-08 09:44:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/121780
In your "honor."
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-08 09:03:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-04-07 17:06:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 McFiction.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2009-04-08 08:56:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-04-08 08:26:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTFINRAT.
Also, for what it is worth...sorry you had to deal with all that bullshit of people posting your info. It quite sucks really and would never wish that upon anyone.
--
And let me say (as my 1st coffee kicks in) that I have spent a bit of time reading those old jaypeg links that Caul lovingly saves in his big uber spreadsheet and I regret having said anyone deserved anything like that kind of shit. Heat of the moment and all. I do find it funny that some people are convinced they know where I work - let's just say here are a lot of businesses crammed into a couple of buildings I visit so if anyone wants to get me in shit they will have to send a lot of emails. The most amazing thing about that post? Shlongy being the first to raise the voice of reason.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2009-04-08 08:27:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Mah seed!"
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-04-08 08:26:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTFINRAT.
Also, for what it is worth...sorry you had to deal with all that bullshit of people posting your info. It quite sucks really and would never wish that upon anyone.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-04-08 08:13:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bear jaw an' bull pizzle
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-04-08 05:06:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-04-08 00:39:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-04-07 17:54:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
shhh, jack, shhh
===========
Shut the fuck up, caul, shut the fuck up!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-04-08 00:12:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Eunicised-
==========
Gives a whole new meaning to 'whacked off'.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2009-04-07 23:19:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
FUCKING JASPER JOHNS
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2009-04-07 23:17:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 jasper fucking johns likes my writing and is sending me his new stuff xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-04-07 22:56:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not bad for a story written by a computer. But if it is hiding its fiction in its hard drive do you think you should be passing it off as your own?
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-04-07 19:56:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-04-07 17:06:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 McFiction.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2009-04-07 19:20:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How awesome would it have been if Russia ended up successfully claiming the Oregon territory?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-04-07 18:48:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
And the way you write speech here is bloody dreadful.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-04-07 18:47:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Didn't really like this Jack
Thought the story was pretty weak and the characters weren't really developed. I have a hard time imagining what any of these characters look like.
you've written better.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2009-04-07 18:28:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2009-04-07 18:26:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
excellent dialogue, wodehouse!
--
Don't make me post excerpts of your early fiction here, pal.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2009-04-07 18:27:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-04-07 17:54:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I found this buried in my ass. Comments welcome.
http://www.ubersite.com/u/no1hasdis
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2009-04-07 18:26:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
excellent dialogue, wodehouse!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-04-07 17:54:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
shhh, jack, shhh
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-04-07 17:48:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
(I found this opening chapter buried on my hard drive. Comments welcome.)
I wish I found this kind of writing buried on MY hard drive.I like this a lot.
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2009-04-07 17:42:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not bad dude. Faggot below.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-04-07 17:32:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wells Fargos daily reports don't move themselves. Isn't it time you did your job instead of posting more of your pathetic attempts at writing?
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2009-04-07 17:19:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
okayish. Got sick of seeing the word 'Valencian' though.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-04-07 17:06:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 McFiction.