UGR - Under the Boardwalk (451 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.97 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Fey (View user info) at 2009-03-26 20:04:56 EDT
Walter is of the quiet opinion that earth is a planet which can't kill itself too quickly, well, more to the point he (we'll simplify the matter by assigning to Walter the male gender, he received a penis with his body because the bioengineers of his people were uncertain as to what purpose it served beyond the simple fact of breeding which they feel humans complicate unnecessarily but had noticed in their observation that it was considered very important by many) is of the opinion that we humans and also, oddly, lizards, are a very affront to the order of the universe and should be eradicated immediately. Fortunately for us, and unfortunately for Walter, his powers of matter dissolution were not transferred to the form he is currently wearing and we are, for the time being, safe from his humble implacable hatred.
Because the being currently calling itself Walter is actually an extraterrestrial and his gut isn't, as it appears to be, flab, but rather a sophisticated communication/homing device which allows his fellow extraterrestrials (telling you where they're from would be giving far too much away) to follow from a safe distance his exploits on earth.
About the only thing Walter enjoys, and he enjoys it almost enough that it weighs up the misery he feels upon being forced to stay here for year after year (the politics of it are such that his project has been indefinitely prolonged, due to the almost soap-operatic interest his people have developed for ours, and the bureacracy of it is - quite bluntly - that after almost 50 years on this planet he has mislaid his alien equivalent of our more mundane passport), is the beach. Sun and surf and sand. The cries of the red eyed gulls and the occasional glimpse, a silvered flash, of fish in the water.
Today, as on many other days, Walter has made his way down to the beachfront. He has walked the wooden pathway, passed, with a polite, pained expression, stalls selling ice cream, candy floss, cool drinks and balloons. He has firmly declined to assist tourists with the taking of their holiday snapshots, avoided small sticky children on fat little legs, dodged the slightly older ones on skateboards and generally run the gauntlet of the boardwalk to arrive bare of foot and clear of purpose at this, his beach.
His feet sink into the sand and he is, momentarily, blissfully content. He opens his shirt (secure in his guise as an elderly male, sparing not a thought to his sunken, hairy chest or stupendous belly), allowing the weak earth sun to recharge the batteries on his communication/homing device. The thought distracts him from the the pure tactile pleasure of his immediate surroundings and he muses, maybe they'll let him come home soon.
A child, sized between the sticky small fat legged ones and the taller lankier ones with skateboards, whoops in the background and Walter winces, even though he is still unaware of the cause of the outcry. The child, on its pushbike on the boardwalk above, has lost its grip on its icecream, which has begun a graceful descent towards Walter's balding head (there are solar panels there, too, under the skin). The icecream lands with the poise of a gymnast, the cone at a quirky angle, pointing up and off to the left, in the middle of Walter's bald patch.
Walter, an extremely patient being by all standards measured (human and/or extraterrestrial), loses it. In an unprecedented display of helpless rage, Walter throws off the human body he is imprisoned in and directs the full force of his matter dissolution at the small(ish) child whose icecream cone he is currently wearing as a hat. Or at least, that was the plan.
What actually happens is that the internal heat caused by friction between the cells of Walter's mass as he attempts to "explode" through the human form he's trapped in causes him to become slightly red in the face (almost as if he'd had too much sun, or too much to drink)and to make strange noises, sort of a "Hnngg", closely followed by a magnificent amount of absolutely nothing at all. The small(ish) child wails plaintively after its mother as it bikes away.
Walter, shocked into rationality by the completeness of his failure, does a quick maintainance check of his systems and receives a further shock. His excessive emissions of energy have, essentially, fried the communication/homing device stored in his belly, and there is a conclusion that can be reached here which is waiting to make itself known. It dawns on him slowly, approaching with the lack of haste only the truly terrifying can employ. Without his homing device, he will never get home.
User Reviews
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-03-30 14:51:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-03-27 20:45:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wonderful writing.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2009-03-27 19:30:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-03-27 19:03:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like Fey.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2009-03-27 15:58:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-03-27 15:47:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<3
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2009-03-27 15:15:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2009-03-27 12:39:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry :(
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2009-03-27 12:38:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SHIT SHIT SHIT
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2009-03-27 12:38:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SHIT
I didn't mean to zero this
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2009-03-27 12:36:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-03-27 12:07:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
P.S Sico's just sad I won't make the beast with two backs with him.
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hahahaha
your story was extremely creative
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2009-03-27 12:27:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lekker
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-03-27 12:08:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-03-27 11:28:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-03-27 10:11:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-03-27 08:28:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't read it...I will. Take celebration to new limits because I didn't auto -2 you for reactionary purposes.
Whoa! Hangovers do not rule :(
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-03-27 04:47:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you are fucking great. im thinking about kidnapping you.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-03-27 00:08:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-03-26 21:55:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-03-26 21:48:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2009-03-26 21:00:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh lord this is fantastic
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2009-03-26 20:56:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-03-26 20:24:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Imaginative indeed.
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-03-26 20:08:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All because of ice cream...