Just another day at work... (929 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.41 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Han Solo <helrzr.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2009-02-27 20:08:23 EST
Working in a book store is tough. You've got to think on your feet alot, and pretty much be ready for anything.
"A manager is needed to the front."
I looked at my boss, there was a look of grim determination on his face as he stood up from his desk. We both knew that the call could only mean one thing: an army of the undead was amassing at the front of the store.
He picked up his sword saying: "Duty calls."
"Good luck." I replied.
"Luck is for people without any skill." He replied as he stalked off to complete his task. I continued searching the database for a picture of book I was trying to find.
I heard a shriek, and my eyes darted to its point of origin. A darkly cloaked figure was standing at the top of the stairs menacing a female patron. I stood and glanced around the store to find my supervisor and the other sales clerk. My supervisor was busy fighting a horde of Ninjas, his Katanna blade gleamed brightly contrasted by the crimson fluid that stained parts of it. This chaos was happening right in front of the desk in the middle of our section. He looked like he had the situation well in hand. This is what were trained for after all.
My fellow sales clerk was using two magnetic locks as an improvised set of Nunchucks against a viscous group of unwieldly pirates. He too looked to have the situation well in hand. "Shit." I muttered to myself as I realized that the situtation at the top of the stairs fell to me. Grimly I got up, knowing my book search would have to wait.
As I began walking up the stairs the distressed lady patron shouted a warning: "Don't come up here! He's crazy!"
As I reached the first landing of the stairs I replied: "Good. That makes two of us!"
The figure in the dark cloak laughed as he shoved her against the metal banister. He opened his cloak and unhooked a metal cylinder from his belt that I recognized immdiately. He ignited its crimson blade of light and started moving toward me wtih half smile plastered on his ugly face.
I did not retreat or back down, I was a sales clerk in General Books, we were trained for death defying. I glanced down at the carnage that my assicates were containing and I smiled at the prospect of proving myself worthy through a trial by combat. I pulled my own lightsaber from my belt and ignited its orange blade. I was only supposed to use this for breaking down cardboard boxes, but as I say when you work in a bookstore, you often have to think on your feet. Our blades sizzled as they connected and the battle was begun.
He slashed out pushing me back and forcing me to retreat a few steps down, but I managed to block the lethal blow with an ease that was borne of constant training. I moved foward raining down blows upon the vile attacker. Then he slashed out turning his attention to the lady. The first thing they teach you in retail is that the customer comes first, so I jumped up the stairs to intercept the attack.
"Oh god, you are so brave..." She squeaked.
"I'm general books ma'am, we're training in death defying!" I replied as I pushed my attack. The figure in the cloak kicked me squarely in the chest and I fell end over end, landing on the platform between the two sets of stairs. Next the man thrust out his hand and lightning shot out covering me in pain. The lady used this moment of distraction to make her escape and I was glad. This guy was going to end up being a tough customer. I gathered my shaky legs beneath me and resumed my attack. The lightning had slowed me to the point that he easily able to dodge the attack. My blade hit uselessly upon the floor carving a small hole in it. The money for the repairs would probably come out of my paycheck.
I was mad, but I didn't give into my anger. It would do good in this fight. The callow villian kicked me in the jaw and then kicked the blade from my hand. I was without my weapon and it looked like he had me dead to rights. That's when I thought back to my orientation. I did a back flip and landed on the counter below the stairs. I was able to grab my weapon while he followed me down. He slashed downward, but I was able to catch the blade with my own. He was stronger than me and was pushing his blade and mine dangerously close to my neck. That's when I heard it.
"Excuse me... do you work here?" A lady asked from the ground by the counter.
"Yes ma'am." I replied through gritted teeth as both blades inched dangerously closer to my neck.
"Where are your headphones located?"
"Right there, at the end of the supply isle...." I said motioning in the direction with my head. That moment of distraction was all my opponent needed he swept my legs out from under me and back hit squarely on the counter top. He raised his blade ready to go for the killing blow, but suddenly he screamed and grabbed at his back. I was puzzled by the sudden turn of events, but I looked over and saw my supervisor. He was grinning and had a knowing look in his eyes. A look that said I had failed myself. He had thrown his katanna blade and now it stuck out of the back of my attacker. Then he was once again engaged battle. He was a master of unarmed combat, he was a supervisor after all. I did not hesitate. I jumped to my feet and quickly decapitated the cloaked figure. His head rolled to the floor with a dull thud.
Our policy was not to kill the customers, but I figured this guy was too dangerous to be left alive. I pulled the sword from his back and threw it to my supervisor as I rushed to join the battle with the ninjas. My fellow sales clerk had managed to corral the remaining pirates over to where we were. Now we fought side by side as a tremendous force of unbridled fury. We pushed the attackers to the front of the store where we met of with our boss who was gleefully hacking away at the army of the undead. Now the four of us were together in this awesome and epic melee. After a few minutes all the villians were dead.
"Who... were those... guys...?" I asked breathing heavily.
"Park Placers.." The other sales clerk responded.
"Bastards!" I exclaimed.
"You almost got your ass whooped!" My supervisor said.
"Yeah, thanks for the save..." I said.
"All trade associates are needed to General books." Came over the loud speaker. We rushed back to our station.
Our phone was going off. The boss hit the button for the speaker so we all could hear. It was the mayor of Atlanta. She was saying something about a giant lizard attacking the city. I looked around at the grim faces of my associates.
"Godzilla?" I asked.
"Looks that way... let's go show Atlanta what General books is all about!" The boss shouted as we made our way out into the city, to save it once again.
User Reviews
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-03-14 14:56:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NEVER ever send me email forwards again unless you, your entire family and your family pet want to disappear without a trace.
Tut. Really.
Do you know who I am!?!
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2009-03-02 14:02:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Genius
Submitted by PlatinumScarecrow (user info) at 2009-03-02 09:57:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I bow to you, sir.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-03-01 19:14:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
NOOOOO!! Anything but telling Bart! He'll make sky open up and eat me!! :(
Please Orphelia, I'll do ANYTHING(even method's mom) if you don't tell.
Also, I changed my screensaver to suit you. I don't my manager is going to like it, but she can take a flying fuck at a rolling donut. As long your happy, I don't need food or rent money.
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lol everyone knows bart doesn't really exisit, silly.
Only Quint is permitted to speak of she who is banged by many black men.
Good attitude to have, your manager lady is probably lesbian anyway, all these career women are dykes. Who wouldn't want to stay at home and rear children? Lezzas, thats who, Han.
On a lighter note, have you received any more mail other than my fantastic little note?
Someday, I think I will post all the crap I get sent, the creepy stuff from lurkers and unknowns, not the cock shots I get from scourge and sico.
Or maybe I will just steal somebodys writing, post it as my own then after the +2's have flooded in quietly add I NEVER WROTE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
*spits in disgust*
:)
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-03-01 13:48:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-03-01 12:22:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-03-01 16:38:37 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok, soo. I didn't actually write this
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I am telling bart on you.
And how dare you not have my breasts as your screensaver!
I am so disappointed you made me eat cheese :(
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NOOOOO!! Anything but telling Bart! He'll make sky open up and eat me!! :(
Please Orphelia, I'll do ANYTHING(even method's mom) if you don't tell.
Also, I changed my screensaver to suit you. I don't my manager is going to like it, but she can take a flying fuck at a rolling donut. As long your happy, I don't need food or rent money.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-03-01 12:22:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-03-01 16:38:37 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok, soo. I didn't actually write this
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I am telling bart on you.
And how dare you not have my breasts as your screensaver!
I am so disappointed you made me eat cheese :(
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-03-01 11:38:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok, soo. I didn't actually write this. A friend of mine wrote it, but hates showing his work to people. So I snagged it and used you guys to prove to him that we aren't just saying he's a decent writer to spare his feelings. Which, I don't really understand why he'd think that anyway. I tell him he's the dumbest\ugliest mother fucker on the planet at LEAST 5.8 times a day.
But anyways, thanks for feedback and help Uberers.
Submitted by AW4416 (user info) at 2009-03-01 11:02:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by BadSamaritan87 (user info) at 2009-03-01 01:29:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TLawrence (user info) at 2009-02-28 18:28:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-02-28 18:19:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2009-02-28 15:20:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-02-28 15:00:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-28 02:52:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I mailed you a nice pic of easter chicks, I hope this is what you were looking for, Han.
My hand and face smell of bum this morning. I don't remember getting THAT drunk last night
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I got that. Thanks! It's the new wallpaper on my desktop. Are you SURE those weren't real chicks though? I'd hate for any animals to suffer for my e-art.
And yeah. You were fucking smashed. Not as smashed as I was though, I didn't even notice when you put your fingers in my ass. You must be an amatuer magician or something! But who could forget that tossing you gave my salad? It was the stuff of legends are made of!!
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2009-02-28 14:35:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just needs a spell/grammar check. Not the type of story I usually like, but it kept me amused longer than most posts here do these days.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2009-02-28 11:36:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Uber needs more of this kind of shit
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-02-28 10:57:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-02-28 07:30:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
there are people here (used to be here) who wrote this type of thing all the time.
And better.
Sorry.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2009-02-28 04:36:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I have the problem with what to fairly rate this.
It was very well written, but was actually crap. I didn't find it original or amusing in any sense. Unless this was the intention and I totally missed it, in which case, well done.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-28 02:52:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I mailed you a nice pic of easter chicks, I hope this is what you were looking for, Han.
My hand and face smell of bum this morning. I don't remember getting THAT drunk last night
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-28 02:30:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shall I email you? Is that why you put the address up, so users would email you?
'Cos I will give it to you straight, I will probably only email you once or twice and then ignore you for all eternity.
I'd probably send snatch pics though with the second mail.
And talk about my kids.
Not really.
But tell me, who are you hoping to hear from?
In my experience you never get mail from the users you expect it from or think it's likely you'll get it from.
Good god, you should read the mail I get from uber 'lurkers'. Fucking creepy.
I am gonna mail you something random. Or not.
Probably just sign you up to the bulldog appreciation society.
Which would be as funny as the bastards who signed me up to a 1. A 'large and lovely' dating agency 2. A lesbian dating agency 3. A dating agency where I am a man seeking a woman.
Thanks Uber.
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-02-27 23:32:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Excuse me... do you work here?" A lady asked from the ground by the counter.
"Yes ma'am." I replied through gritted teeth as both blades inched dangerously closer to my neck.
"Where are your headphones located?"
~~~~~~~~~~
This made me feel what it would be like.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-02-27 22:44:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
S'all good.
I was just feelin' punchy, is all.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-02-27 22:28:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-02-27 21:11:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OH YEAH?
WELL MEH YOU TOO.
ps - this was weird - but it had ninjas in it. Good job.
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Thanks Rob. I just meh'd yours cause I'd seen most of it before. If hadn't been posted by Mr. Berg it would've gotten a -2.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2009-02-27 22:10:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by billrhine (user info) at 2009-02-27 21:28:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beware thy local bookstore!!
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-02-27 21:11:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OH YEAH?
WELL MEH YOU TOO.
ps - this was weird - but it had ninjas in it. Good job.