Finding Mr. Right - A Daddy's Girl Tale (1592 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.94 on 123 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JesterLilt (View user info) at 2009-02-08 12:18:56 EST
"Not again mum, how many times do I have to tell you!" Charley grimaced as yet again her mother had disregarded everything she'd told her about what she wanted and how she felt.
"But Charl hun... He's gorgeous, not to mention perfect for you. Just look at those eyes. You know how much your father and I wish to extend the family and the boy has to be right. It can't just be any old street waif for my beautiful daughter." Isobel calmly held her daughter's shoulders, turned her around seating her in front of her dressing table and began braiding her silken blonde hair.
"But why do they have to be so tortured and sultry?" She pulled a face as her mother tugged on one of her braids too hard.
It was true they were all handsome. It was sort of a given that they would be handsome. Their race was a conceited one and there were not many amongst them not flaunting a fairly standard set of much sought after vital statistics.
Charley and Isobel belonged to a large and renowned house of vampires. Although they'd moved past the days of tearing out throats, ravaging and turning virgins and generally not being very nice, some of their traditions remained firmly established. For some reason, being the dark eyed, mysterious, gorgeous, vampire man lamenting his mortality and not quite at ease with his immortality was still a fashionable persona.
Charley for one was fed up with it. What was she supposed to do? Whisper sweet promises to him, stroke his hand and tell him everything would be alright, council him, molly coddle him, reminisce about the good old days when being immortal was fun? 'No bloody chance!' She thought.
It was also traditional that vampire men and women took mates and those mates were forever. What if she didn't feel ready? Charley had been a vampire for two hundred years, which is a relatively short time in the whole immortality thing. She had years ahead of her to see and experience the world and they were now forcing her to share it with one individual who quite frankly, she'd probably get bored with in a few decades.
"Mother, I've told you many times, I'm not taking a mate, I'm not ready for a mate, I can't be bothered with it and if ever I do feel like it, it will be my choice. Not yours, not dads, nobodies but mine! Do you understand?" Isobel adopted a stern expression; hands on hips.
"Well, maybe after this one but he's waiting in the hallway for you so you'll just darn well have to do it this time. I promise, after this your father and I will respect your wishes and if we don't, you can lay us out in the sunshine yourself. Do we have a deal?" A twinkle appeared in the corner of Isobel's eye as she spoke, so quick to disappear that not even Charley's vampire senses picked up on it.
"Right mum, yeah, whatever. I'll meet him, but I promise I'm not going to like him."
"As long as that's settled then. Now, get going and tell me all about it when you get back!" Isobel gave her daughter a final inspection before ushering her towards the doorway.
Charley half stumbled in to the ornate hallway only to be confronted by something she didn't expect.
"Your... your... your... not a vampire!" She finally managed to exclaim. Her nostrils were filling with the sweet smell of circulating blood making it hard to concentrate on the person standing before her.
"Erm... No, I'm not. Does that bother you?"
"Well, yes... erm... no... erm... What are you? I mean you look human and you're definitely alive but you don't smell quite human..." She was becoming more confused by the minute. Her eyes told her he was human but her nose told her differently.
"Allow me to explain..."
Charley's parents had invited Christopher to meet their daughter aware that she had become tired of the usual vampire stock. Christopher was half vampire. He was born of a mortal mother and immortal father. For all intents and purposes he was alive but he did not mature once he was fully grown. He was stronger than a human but did not possess vampire strength but could live off both blood and human food. He could stand sunlight although he was still sensitive and very fair skinned and he also had a nasty allergy to garlic. Christopher seemed happy in his own skin, unlike the previous entourage of moping, hollow cheeked bags of depression she was used to.
"Okaaay," said Charley exhaling.
"Would you like to go for a walk?" Christopher asked extending his arm for her to link.
Christopher and Charley emerged out onto the night soaked street and began meandering through the back alleys exchanging life stories and stories.
As they walked Charley began to experience a sour taste in the back of her mouth. She began to grow weary of the man rattling on beside her. Although he had intrigued her for about five minutes when the intrigue was gone, he was a little self obsessed and seemed to think himself superior to her because he could go out in daylight and had a pulse. This infuriated her. The feeling built up inside her until she could stand it no longer. He seemed to prattle on about nothing in particular whilst she nodded robotically at his side.
"You bore me," she said, interrupting him half way through telling her about his wrestling a wild grizzly bear whilst living like a nomad in Canada. Christopher looked taken aback for a moment and then failing to realise that it could possibly be anything to do with him and deciding it was likely something to do with her he carried on his story.
"I said, you bore me!" She repeated the statement more forcibly this time.
He stopped and paused giving her a half cocked expression lesser women would have swooned over. "Why do I bore you? Are you feeling ill?"
That was it. Charley's pupils glowed red and she leapt back into a predatory crouch bearing her fangs.
"You self obsessed arrogant fuck! How dare you assume it's my fault?" She pounced, lightening quick, sinking her fangs into his jugular and tearing at his neck giving him no chance for further explanation. He screamed, tears falling down his face as he thought about the tissue damage and how unlikely it would be if he survived the ordeal that his beautiful flesh would come away unscarred. 'I should have known better... A vampire girl... What were my parents thinking when they agreed to this rendezvous' These were his last thoughts as Charley clawed at his scalp pulling great tufts from his head sucking his essence from his veins.
"Oh honey! Charley! Ugh! How many times have I told you, there are far more eloquent ways to do away with your prey than that! If I'd known you were going to drain him, I would never have invited him... We need to clean this up! I'm good friends with his father you know; he's not going to like it." Charley's father had clearly followed them as they strolled through the city and now looked upon her with disappointment in his eyes.
"Oh daddy! He smelled so good and he really didn't say anything that interested me. I thought it was a waste. Perhaps if he had been the least bit amusing I may have thought him worthy of his skin. What All that talent and he's still a self-obsessed prick. Besides, he's not a vampire, what was mummy thinking?" She took a few steps towards her father looking up and fluttering her eyelashes pleading forgiveness, "Are you mad daddy?"
"Mad?" A rumble built up in his stomach escaping his mouth as an eruption of laughter. "Mad honey? No, you gave the blighter exactly what he deserved. I did not agree with your mother on this call. What was she thinking? A half-breed after all! Whatever next?"
Charley ran into her father's arms. He scooped her up stroking her braided hair. "That's my girl," he whispered.
User Reviews
Submitted by madisonlouis (user info) at 2009-03-18 11:55:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-02-12 04:23:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2009-02-10 17:29:10 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
Girls are funny.
-------------
Well, thats a lie.
Submitted by Dimenhydrinate (user info) at 2009-02-12 04:19:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Needs more bacon.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2009-02-10 12:29:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Girls are funny.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2009-02-09 21:14:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
what the fuck is going on with the reviews in this town SHEESH
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-02-09 20:26:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I <3 Fey.
CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?
no?
oh, well fine.
Can we put more effort into making fun of Simon then?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-02-09 16:35:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'll take the tooth job.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-09 16:05:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG Banj email NOW!! Oh my lordy, oh my lordy.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-09 15:20:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shut the fuck up DR
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-09 15:12:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
VD - you should be happy for us knowing that we're happy doing what we do.
Submitted by Vas_Deferens (user info) at 2009-02-09 15:02:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i dunno what's more dull, orphelia talking about shoving stuff into her schmoo since mid 2007 (which I believe she sees as a quality), or banjo's trite reviews which she no doubt mistakes as being thigh slappingly hilarious.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-09 14:55:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-02-09 19:50:19 GMT (#)
Ranking: -2
Why don't all four of you broads just shut the fuck up and hold a contest to see who gets to suck my dick?
Or, you can just agree to take turns...I don't really care.
---
Fey would take offence and bite your cock off in some vehement women's lib protest.
AND
She'd still demand payment for services rendered.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2009-02-09 14:55:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
How the F is this rated so high?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-02-09 14:50:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Why don't all four of you broads just shut the fuck up and hold a contest to see who gets to suck my dick?
Or, you can just agree to take turns...I don't really care.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-09 14:49:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Whore is just a word people.
Google ---- swoooosh ----- define whore for me please?
Whore = work as a prostitute
No biggy, one of my first ambitions as a little girl after watching Pretty Woman was to become a hooker in hollywood and get with Richard Gere.
Google ---- swoooosh ----- define prostitute for me please?
Prostitute = sell one's body, exchange sex for money
Well, we've all got to make a living and if there's a demand for it, then somebody will sell it.
My point being, just words. I wouldn't take offence to being called a whore because I see nothing wrong with whoring. Perhaps we feel there's something wrong with the word because we don't like the profession. I say it's silly not to like the profession as it's one of the oldest professions on the planet. Not that it's a profession I would pick for myself. Each to their own.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-09 14:39:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Puking at the patronising tone.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2009-02-09 14:38:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
because there's no challenge in getting a woman laid. there are biological factors to the equation as well, but i doubt you all are the types to put reality-as-it-is before reality-as-you-want-it-to-be
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-09 14:38:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-02-09 19:29:42 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sage, dear, you linked the same comment twice. Whoops!
Banjo, you're a subtle belittler, I may have underestimated your intelligence. The first bit was sarcasm, the second bit was what you call "humble pie" and I call "being truthful". And thanks for the publicity. And I solemenly swear that if I go out and shag entire sporting teams I will not get "shirky" if I'm called a whore. Even thought whore is a nasty word that lays the associated guilt with the woman.
---
Remember to take pictures so we can exploit your whoredom all over tabloid newspapers and make a shed load of cash - this I'll call entrepreneurism. Men are more and more often called whores. Whore is only a derogatory word if you take exception to it. From the mouth of a small minded person intending offence then true, it's not a nice word. Bandied about in jest, it's just funny.
Speaking of whores, where has Orphelia got to?
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-02-09 14:35:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I will agree with you on one point, Fey...
I dont understand why women who sleep around are chastised and considered whores but men who sleep around aren't.
GUESS BOYS WILL BE BOYS, EH FEY?
HEY, FEY!! EH!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Golly its fun to rhyme.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-02-09 14:32:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-09 14:22:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.zaniahz.com/images/sonicscrewpen.jpg
hahahahaha
Judge my maturity, my bf just came home with this for me! Can't wait to take this to work tomorrow and sonic screwdriver the office!
***********************************
I LOL'ed.
And yes, Fey, THANKS FOR POINTING OUT MY FAILURE AFTER I POINTED IT OUT MESELF...GOOD SAKES, WHAT ON EARTH WOULD I EVER DO WITHOUT YOU AND YOUR ASTUTE OBSERVATIONS?
FUCK!!!
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-02-09 14:30:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Timing fail.
I quite like that part of my spiel was a bit about how nice Rob Berg is.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-09 14:30:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-02-09 19:24:05 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/120043#2826119
AND
http://www.ubersite.com/m/120043#2826119
I mean this was a couple months ago but what a bunch of nonsense.
STOP BEING PRETENTIOUS, FEY!! SERIOUSLY!!
Or...
Boys will be boys! I say that while counting JUST HOW MANY LICKS IT TAKES to get to the bubble gum center of my BLOW pop!! OOpsies, I got some BLONDE hair stuck to the sticky red suckable goodness of my blowpop while sucking it hard just like I suck cocks!! MMMMMMM!!!!! Because boys LIKE IT when girls suck on blowpops or lolipops and stuff, and when they MAKE OUT WITH GIRLS, just like I do every weekend when I put on my laced up stiletto heels and get completely loaded on sex on the beach and red headed slut shots at the club I frequent 6 out of 7 nights a week!!
---
Are blow pops push pops? Never underestimate lollipop licking as good training in Sun Tzu's Art of Blow Jobs. A girl is not a proper girl unless she sucks cocks properly.
Darn, am I using my filthy mouth again or would that be my filthy mind and fingers. Golly, I'm just all dirty!
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-02-09 14:29:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sage, dear, you linked the same comment twice. Whoops!
Banjo, you're a subtle belittler, I may have underestimated your intelligence. The first bit was sarcasm, the second bit was what you call "humble pie" and I call "being truthful". And thanks for the publicity. And I solemenly swear that if I go out and shag entire sporting teams I will not get "shirky" if I'm called a whore. Even thought whore is a nasty word that lays the associated guilt with the woman.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-02-09 14:28:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Meh, I failed.
THIS: http://www.ubersite.com/m/120043#2826277 was part 2 of her little schpeel.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-09 14:25:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-02-09 19:19:44 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
You know what? I'm all e-tore-up about how e-mean I've been e-being.
Of course I respect, admire and like you all Sage, Banjo and Orphelia. I apologise for making hasty judgements on not enough data and of course life is about having fun and hang the consequences and I'm truly sorry, for my sake, that I've lost sight of that. I'm just ignorant is all.
No, but really. I am a bitch. And I am actually a little sorry. I think I'd probably be more content with the world if I thought less like me and more like you. So kudos.
---
Sarcasm or humble pie... Seeing as I'm an eternal optimist I'm going to go with humble pie and give you the benefit of the doubt.
Celebrations though! You've got a most heated post dedicated completely to the e-hate of Fey. All publicity is good publicity. Don't take that to mean it's ok to go out and fuck a load of athletes and then get shirky if somebody calls you a whore.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2009-02-09 14:24:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'M NOT A STEREOTYPE U R
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-02-09 14:24:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/120043#2826119
AND
http://www.ubersite.com/m/120043#2826119
I mean this was a couple months ago but what a bunch of nonsense.
STOP BEING PRETENTIOUS, FEY!! SERIOUSLY!!
Or...
Boys will be boys! I say that while counting JUST HOW MANY LICKS IT TAKES to get to the bubble gum center of my BLOW pop!! OOpsies, I got some BLONDE hair stuck to the sticky red suckable goodness of my blowpop while sucking it hard just like I suck cocks!! MMMMMMM!!!!! Because boys LIKE IT when girls suck on blowpops or lolipops and stuff, and when they MAKE OUT WITH GIRLS, just like I do every weekend when I put on my laced up stiletto heels and get completely loaded on sex on the beach and red headed slut shots at the club I frequent 6 out of 7 nights a week!!
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-09 14:22:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.zaniahz.com/images/sonicscrewpen.jpg
hahahahaha
Judge my maturity, my bf just came home with this for me! Can't wait to take this to work tomorrow and sonic screwdriver the office!
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-02-09 14:19:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You know what? I'm all e-tore-up about how e-mean I've been e-being.
Of course I respect, admire and like you all Sage, Banjo and Orphelia. I apologise for making hasty judgements on not enough data and of course life is about having fun and hang the consequences and I'm truly sorry, for my sake, that I've lost sight of that. I'm just ignorant is all.
No, but really. I am a bitch. And I am actually a little sorry. I think I'd probably be more content with the world if I thought less like me and more like you. So kudos.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-09 14:12:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
A stereotype? You ARE NOT a stereotype Sage. If anything you are an exception.
Fey is what is wrong with females today. No fun, always condescending and patronising, can't take a joke, can't wait to stick her oar in, backstab, is always acting oh so bloody mature and quick to judge.
Maturity? What is that exactly? I'd rather be immature and fun if maturity means being a stale dullard.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-02-09 14:05:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Its like, why point that out? I noticed she didnt say my name and she's never hesitated in the past to voice her opinion on just how stupid or whatever she thinks I am, and it's nonsense.
I made a comment a while back about that hockey player (can't remember the name but he plays for the Dallas Stars) who got in trouble with the NHL for calling Elisha Cuthbert a whore or whatever he said, saying that hey...maybe she deserved it. And she wrote me this snooty little reply saying something about how I was what was wrong with women, or something ridiculous like that. Seriously though...if homegirl is fucking every Tom Dick and Harry in the NHL she should almost EXPECT to get called out...she's a fucking celebrity, for crying out loud, AND she's FUCKING celebrities (or quasi-celebrities...athletes)!!!
The above is just one out of many similar examples where she's not hesitated to express her disappointment and chagrin with me and my opinions. I guess I was what she was referring to when she said she didn't like it when females "played to stereotypes" or whatever the fuck it was.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-09 13:50:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I know... As if Orphelia needs any maturity.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-02-09 13:43:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-02-09 12:53:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Second to last thing below, last thing now. Until the next last thing, anyway.
Orphelia - I didn't mention sage either.
But honestly, you don't grate on me as much as you used to. Maybe motherhood has matured you (tongue in cheek, as I'm fully aware of my status as a childless 24 year old).
****************
Shocking!!
I don't care to garner your respect, Fey, and regardless of your views and opinions on me, I still respect you as a writer and that's that. Your opinion of me is yours to have and it is likely shared with many people here on ubersite.
Have a pleasant day, darling.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2009-02-09 13:43:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"Submitted by dangerdude (user info) at 2009-02-09 13:20:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
you might find this to be more up you're alley
http://www.ubersite.com/m/121047"
meh, at least it's not vampire cock
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-02-09 13:25:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-02-09 12:29:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't read it.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-09 13:24:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's e-feel-bad, which means it isn't real.
I don't feel really bad because everything I said is made up and totally unliteral. I would be worried if it was literal. I'm not even sure what literal means but that's because I'm a bit thick really. I don't know how I've hidden it for so long. Truths out now.
Actually no, rethink that! What kind of elitist attitude is that to have? I like everybody here except for you, you and you. I knew there was a reason I didn't like Fey. It's because I've not said two words to her before yesterday and proclaims to 'know me' and apparently I 'annoy' her. I hate that. I don't feel e-bad at all. In fact, I'm e-mad all over again!
Submitted by dangerdude (user info) at 2009-02-09 13:20:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2009-02-09 13:01:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"Charley and Isobel belonged to a large and renowned house of vampires."
stopped reading there
-----
you might find this to be more up you're alley
http://www.ubersite.com/m/121047
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-09 13:16:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
god banj, i just said you FELT BAD, then you had to carry it in.
oooh, i gotta point out though, fey started the entire thing leaving such a comment in the first place. i have learned nothing to say is better when all you have is negative AND PERSONAL. as feys comment was a personal attack rather than critiquing the post.
THE END
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-09 13:15:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I say Orphelia, it was all my idea really. What can I say, bored at home on sunday (BAHOS).
Fey has been a victim of BAHOS hate.
I've looked at too many acronyms today...
My head hurts...
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-09 13:12:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha Fey.
Let me see here. Myself and Orphelia decide to launch a load of hate on you.
Clearly you have taken the whole thing literally and I guess that's a result of thinking I'm an incredibly literal person. Or was that un-literal... I can hardly remember.
My head hurts...
I've been looking at a spreadsheet all day...
It amused me to imagine you as a white wine spritzer, flowery dress wearing stealer of other men's girlfriends because I was using my literal imagination... or again... was that un-literal. Did I say imagine... Surely not!
My head really hurts...
Needless to say, I think there's a moral to some literal / unliteral story somewhere in that lot.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-09 13:09:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Even as a joke, it bought vomit to my mouth scourge.
Anyway, banj says she feels bad about the whole fey/literal thing.
Poor banj, you gin soaked hag, where are you??
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2009-02-09 13:01:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"Charley and Isobel belonged to a large and renowned house of vampires."
stopped reading there
Submitted by rubbermaid (user info) at 2009-02-09 13:00:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So we've come to the conclusion that Fey is a cunt?
Not newsworthy...............
And what the fuck is a drip?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-02-09 12:59:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
should i have inserted an emoticon?
i always feel so odd using them, as you know.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-09 12:58:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not motherhood, Fey, Hurty left Uber. That changed me forever.
Scourge, that is not nice, not at all. Meanie
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-02-09 12:53:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
and i think you and bubba would make a lovely couple, you great whomping goon.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-02-09 12:53:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Second to last thing below, last thing now. Until the next last thing, anyway.
Orphelia - I didn't mention sage either.
But honestly, you don't grate on me as much as you used to. Maybe motherhood has matured you (tongue in cheek, as I'm fully aware of my status as a childless 24 year old).
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-09 12:53:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fey! You were bear skin loin cloths and yellow face paint! I know I am right!
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-02-09 12:51:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And one last thing, it's actually quite interesting how far off you are with your guesses about my life, my clothes, my drink of choice, my friends, my housing arrangements, my work/education/situation, your guesses about how I see myself, how I see others, etc, etc.
Talk about making snap judgements based on things you've "semi-read" on here.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-09 12:50:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't blame you scourge, I think you and ei make a lovely couple
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-09 12:49:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-02-09 17:24:03 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
And in response to something along the lines of my "inferiority complex about uber femmes" (you'll excuse me if I avoid scrolling down) I'd just like to say this;
-----------------------------------
I said 'superiority cpmplex' FTR.
And my life IS a stereotype, and I'd also like to point out that throughout the post, banj and myself make fun of ourselves too, so I hope you didn't take it all too literally.
LOL you named every uber femme but us. Oh god, how will we cope??
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-02-09 12:39:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that's okay orphelia, i swapped YOU out for ei on my list.
also, please don't bang on fey, she's great.
and arrogance IS a virtue. i mean, my ego is simply monstrous, and everyone knows how great i am, right?
the mere thought of acting humble makes me want to vomit almost as much as the lead in sentence of this review.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-02-09 12:31:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And no, you didn't "hit a nerve" because I am, just like you, completely confident of the fact that me and my world view are correct and you and yours are wrong and I am the better person because obviously, I mean duh, I'm ME.
And also, I wasn't "fishing for a reaction", I stated an opinion, accompanied by a neutral zero rating.
And generally speaking, I avoid readig or reviewing your things, because whatever you may believe, I don't enjoy clicking my way around ubersite looking down on people. I just can't avoid voicing my opinions, but I do try and stick to posts and posters I like because that way I'm happier, über (and your lot) are spared my arrogant pompous dorky drippy white wine spritzery floral dressy bollocks and all is hunky dory.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-02-09 12:29:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't read it.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-02-09 12:24:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And in response to something along the lines of my "inferiority complex about uber femmes" (you'll excuse me if I avoid scrolling down) I'd just like to say this;
I admire and respect (either because of their attitude or because of their talent or both) experima, shadow, Sacrilicious, Circe, corn_nugget, inion, toe, Merlina, ghola, Forensicgirl, Ballare and probably one or two more whom I've forgotten.
I don't admire or respect women who support or play to stereotypes.
I don't know you. All I know about you is what you put out here, in this forum, for me to read. Of course I'm going to make judgements based on that. It's up to you to either not give a shit about what I think or realise how your comments make you sound and either do something about it or not.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-09 11:58:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-02-09 15:54:40 GMT (#)
Ranking: -2
And to show you I'm just a normal person like you;
Minus two DIE YOU COCKSUCKING WHOREFACED DISEASERIDDEN BITCH I HATE YOUR GUTS AND I HOPE YOU DIE AN AWFUL DEATH SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY SO YOU JUST SHUT UP I'M SMARTER THAN YOU YOU SUCK ASS YOU HO YOU SKANK YOU BUTTFUCK FOR MONEY AND I CAN'T STAND YOUR SMELL SO SHUT THE DAMN HELL UP YOU'RE A WASTE OF SPACE.
-----
Absolutely hilarious. Well done Fey, better than expected. Orphelia and I had bets on you not coming up with a normal furious reply but rather nonsensical English in an attempt to look more intelligent and superiour than you actually are.
Thank you for proving us wrong.
You're still a complete drip though.
... and hit a nerve did we? Next time you'll know better than to go fishing for a reaction.
... also, I never said anything about being normal. The fact you say you're normal makes you boring.
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2009-02-09 11:34:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hilarious comments. More please. More, more moreeeee!
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2009-02-09 11:09:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is suck all over the place.
BAD post.
Worse poster
worst reviews i've seen in a long time.
I'm going back to my trailer.
Submitted by rubbermaid (user info) at 2009-02-09 11:05:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't filmed sex in a while :(
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-02-09 10:54:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
And to show you I'm just a normal person like you;
Minus two DIE YOU COCKSUCKING WHOREFACED DISEASERIDDEN BITCH I HATE YOUR GUTS AND I HOPE YOU DIE AN AWFUL DEATH SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY SO YOU JUST SHUT UP I'M SMARTER THAN YOU YOU SUCK ASS YOU HO YOU SKANK YOU BUTTFUCK FOR MONEY AND I CAN'T STAND YOUR SMELL SO SHUT THE DAMN HELL UP YOU'RE A WASTE OF SPACE.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-02-09 10:51:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-08 18:20:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Extract from Pheelys e-mail as follows...
Good god, arrogant, superior, manly cunt! I can't stand her...
---
I have to add in here that I like Ghola, I think she's sweet but Fey is a pompous ass or at least likes to think she is. She is in fact a dull spastic who goes about pretending she's educated, pretentious and wanky when she's a total dork. Probably has a number of wanky friends living an uninteresting life in a floral dress and no knickers fucking other girl's boyfriends drinking white wine spritzers.
_____
This totally made my day. Thank you Orphelia.
Oh, and Banjo? You've got a seriously filthy mouth and mind. And I'm pleased to hear you couldn't be bothered with me. I'm a little alarmed at the amount of filth you managed to spew at me even though you couldn't be bothered.
Submitted by Geordie80 (user info) at 2009-02-09 10:32:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn it... I knew you'd remember me...
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-09 09:55:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If I'm a slapper what does that make you? *cough* *cough* BARMAIDS!
Submitted by Geordie80 (user info) at 2009-02-09 09:45:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Definitely a slapper banj... X
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-09 08:31:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Vas_Deferens (user info) at 2009-02-09 08:32:19 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm with Fey on this one - you annoy me too, you *and* your noob mate orphelia. I think it's because you're both slappers - and noobs.
------------
Hmm... slapper eh? Oh how I wish I was! You are exactly like Fey, boring and retarded proclaiming to know everything about everybody and making assumptions based on not a squat worth of evidence other than what you semi-read here. I am willing to make my own assumption though - you are dull and boring, therefore not worth my time. Perhaps you and Fey should get together for wine spritzers and make inanse small talk together.
Or as Quint so beautifully puts it - Go fuck Method's mom.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-02-09 07:51:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FJ - because I know he has a huuuuge cock
~~~~
I just recently discovered that I can send emails from my phone. Expect cock pics to be emailed around everyone shortly.
Nice story but the reviews were hilarious.
Submitted by Vas_Deferens (user info) at 2009-02-09 03:32:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm with Fey on this one - you annoy me too, you *and* your noob mate orphelia. I think it's because you're both slappers - and noobs.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2009-02-09 01:25:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-08 18:47:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
She did...
Yet another excerpt from said e-mail to follow.
----
God, there are some lads on this site well fuckable, what do you think Banj?
FJ - because I know he has a huuuuge cock
Spam - because I'd enjoy making him hard as he's clearly flaccid from years of alcohol abuse, same goes for Phallic
Shlongy - because he's an old sophisticated troll not to mention rolling in cash
scourge - just because I think he'd be a good lay and dad to my babies
Orph - because he'd dazzle me with his superior wit
Emission - because he would take me up every orifice, that boy's not scared of the kinky shit
Beano - because the boy needs some educating in the wiles of women
Sico - because he'd probably film it and I'd be an overnight porn star
----
Naturally I agreed with her on all counts.
--------
Any time I do not make a list like this I feel shocked, offended, and appalled.
anyway this was a good story and i just take it for granted i guess that everybody wants to sleep with me :(
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-02-09 00:58:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
#1 - great story.
#2 - great picture.
#3 - great reviews.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2009-02-08 21:07:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Method's Mom is a daddy's girl
Specifically, Big Pimp Daddy Leroy's girl.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-08 20:06:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
don't worry about being blind, your other senses compensate.
haha it reminds me of this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDZcqBgCS74
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-08 19:29:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
On second thoughts I don't drive. Apparently I'm blind. It wouldn't do to have blind girl driving. Daddy will build me a swimming pool instead.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-08 19:27:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I know and I want that new car so make me cry bitch, daddy knows when I put it on these days so be harsh!
You know I'm only playing with you, you play back, Fey will go get high sniffing her flatmates pissy knickers if it were her.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-08 19:24:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Robs a daddy and you are brunette. not my bag.
haha fey won't be back until you are in bed, so what, you start on me now?
I wouldn't dare open a can of whoop on your ass simply because you'd run sobbing to daddy who would have to buy you a new car to take away the pain.
lol
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-08 19:21:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
and why didn't you say you wanted to sleep with me? I would have been on a train tomorrow!
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-08 19:17:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
okay okay
I'll stop it although rob is now wondering what's wrong with him... Seeing you've just accounted for the whole of uber as we've all got a gazillion alters pretending to be multiple people talking to ourselves all the time. You've only left rob out. That's like saying you wouldn't sleep with him if he was the last man on earth and that's mean.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-08 19:13:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wouldn't do anything with Rob, oh banjo stop saying I would, I'd only sleep with like...
six active uber users.
Nine if you include the ladies.
Stop it!!
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-08 19:12:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The competition is now open...
What did our favourite mother of the year say she'd like to do to our home grown and wholesome Rob Berg? Needless to say all comments were not in the least wholesome. Answers here please.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-08 19:12:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like watersports but scat is way too dirty for me.
I am currently playing a game of 'fancy but you shouldn't' with a guy.
For example, so far his are - Shirley Bassey, Helen Mirren, Sonia Jackson in Eastenders.
Mine - Johnny Vegas, Marilyn Manson, John Sergaent, Forrest Whiticker. I can't spell that.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2009-02-08 19:09:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
absofuckinglutely kicker of 'some' ass
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-08 19:08:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pregnancy piles contract
-----------------------------
LOL I saw that on jjam too. Gross.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-08 19:06:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-09 00:02:57 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG glass coffee tables, oh god, you mean a guy lays underneath whilst the woman squats on top and shits, don't you? DON'T YOU?!
---
You told me Muddy is the only person you felt like doing that with and that it made you feel all tingly inside thinking about it. You even said you didn't mind him watching your pregnancy piles contract.
Like I said, you dirty dirty minx!
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-08 19:03:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I know I know but just for the record, I did offer Beano shelter when it all went wrong for him but he'd rather mug old grannies... Don't say I didn't try to put it right pheely because I tried ever so hard.
I hear he's now gang raping crackwhore Fey's festering cunthole with Oathmeal... there's no accounting for taste and maybe he deserves his lot.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-08 19:02:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG glass coffee tables, oh god, you mean a guy lays underneath whilst the woman squats on top and shits, don't you? DON'T YOU?!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-08 18:59:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Banjo said she got beano banned by sending bart pictures of her naked snatch.
he begged her to stop, even changed his emial address, but still they came,gaping and dripping, so he succumbed to her wishes and deleted beanos account.
This in turn, with no entertainment during work hours, made him demotivated at work, lost him his position of deputy manager at the Hounslow branch of Tesco, thus sending his rent into arrears and forcing to take shelter at the local YMCA after being brutally evicted by his Greek landlord.
He was last seen on the latest episode of Crimewatch, mugging defencless old grannies for a few coins and fluff covered boiled sweets to help feed his solvent abuse and IT'S ALL BANJO'S FAULT
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-08 18:59:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And scourgelicious... You're in denial there babe. You want his sexy green y-fronts, you know you do.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-08 18:53:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't want to go into what you said about muddy... Something about glass coffee tables... I was eating at the time and my stomach couldn't take it.
We all secretly want EI up the bum with a great big strap on, it's nothing to be ashamed of.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2009-02-08 18:52:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-08 18:50:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Swap scourge with muddy and emission with, well, any user that isn't emission, and you are not far wrong.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-08 18:48:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh pheely you dirty dirty minx you!
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-08 18:47:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
She did...
Yet another excerpt from said e-mail to follow.
----
God, there are some lads on this site well fuckable, what do you think Banj?
FJ - because I know he has a huuuuge cock
Spam - because I'd enjoy making him hard as he's clearly flaccid from years of alcohol abuse, same goes for Phallic
Shlongy - because he's an old sophisticated troll not to mention rolling in cash
scourge - just because I think he'd be a good lay and dad to my babies
Orph - because he'd dazzle me with his superior wit
Emission - because he would take me up every orifice, that boy's not scared of the kinky shit
Beano - because the boy needs some educating in the wiles of women
Sico - because he'd probably film it and I'd be an overnight porn star
----
Naturally I agreed with her on all counts.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-08 18:42:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I never said I hated anyone, I think Banj is teasing me.
I did however list everyone i would fuck.
Submitted by Toddler (user info) at 2009-02-08 18:36:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're all nuts.
Submitted by billrhine (user info) at 2009-02-08 18:35:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would like to see ghola's fuzzy little box. Tons of fur. Sory, but I like hairy twats.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-08 18:32:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't hate ghola, I want a ghola in her cardboard box in the corner of my livingroom to make me giggle all night. Even better, ghola in a box having a conversation without the letter E.
Submitted by billrhine (user info) at 2009-02-08 18:29:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why would anyone hate little ghola? She's a cool little lady. . . . .
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-08 18:24:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hahahaha, oh shit! I deleted that bit off the end thinking at the last minute I wouldn't shit stir. Goddamned attention to detail. Cats out pheely. YOU HATE GHOLA, now own up!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-08 18:23:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You blabber mouthed lesbian!!
I didn't say i disliked ghola, oh how you shit stir!!
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-08 18:20:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Extract from Pheelys e-mail as follows...
Good god, arrogant, superior, manly cunt! I can't stand her...
---
I have to add in here that I like Ghola, I think she's sweet but Fey is a pompous ass or at least likes to think she is. She is in fact a dull spastic who goes about pretending she's educated, pretentious and wanky when she's a total dork. Probably has a number of wanky friends living an uninteresting life in a floral dress and no knickers fucking other girl's boyfriends drinking white wine spritzers.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-08 18:12:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Argue with me instead, you pony riding, TopShop shopping, aspiring to be like Zara Phillips slut.
lol
:)
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-08 18:10:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am not being diplomatic, I think it's my hormones, I can't get worked up with anyone.
Can't you just print out the vitriolic email I just sent you??
Fey, I think, views her arrogance as a quality.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-08 18:01:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No, you have no idea, wise up and share some hate.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-08 18:00:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm disappointed in you Orphelia! When did you get all diplomatically aware?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-08 17:59:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no idea what I am saying, I am snorting coke.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-08 17:59:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What am I being dragged into now?
banj, Fey just likes to down on other lady uber users, don't take it personally.
fey has admitted she has a superiority complex when it comes to other uber femmes.
However, you can't say someone takes something too literally concerning the internet thats just daft.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-08 17:58:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm glad you have some context on it now. There is an international health warning on both and they're currently being tracked by representatives from the World Health Organisation.
We can only hope they don't meet up and become smelly beasts united although I'm guessing David Attenborough would be straight in there with the film team filming the first episode of 'The Unnatural World'.
Submitted by billrhine (user info) at 2009-02-08 17:54:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-08 17:49:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Icky bubba... you have no class if you'd want anything to do with smelly Fey trout cumming. Liken it to watching doodles feed on his mammas troglodyte mammaries and you'll have some comparable imagery.
==========
YEECCHHH!!! Don't do that to me again, Banj. I don't want fey OR dfoodles. BARF!! I was just fucking around. Pardone' Moi. . . . ..!!!
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-08 17:49:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Icky bubba... you have no class if you'd want anything to do with smelly Fey trout cumming. Liken it to watching doodles feed on his mammas troglodyte mammaries and you'll have some comparable imagery.
Submitted by billrhine (user info) at 2009-02-08 17:41:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-08 17:35:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ugh, and here was me looking forward to unleashing some pent up sunday girl hate to make my tragic existence a little more meaningful. Get back here Fey and bite!
Here fishy fishy...
===========
Fey may bite, left or right. but she may diddle in the middle. So, who cums then??
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-08 17:35:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ugh, and here was me looking forward to unleashing some pent up sunday girl hate to make my tragic existence a little more meaningful. Get back here Fey and bite!
Here fishy fishy...
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-08 17:27:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-02-08 22:13:33 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
Vampires aren't really my thing, but it was a good story and very well written.
Plus, YOU wrote it, and I <3 YOU, sooooo...have points. :)
----
Ah Sage, sweet girl love anytime <3 you also.
Submitted by billrhine (user info) at 2009-02-08 17:24:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-08 17:17:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-02-08 21:25:09 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm going to come right out and say that your very literal take on the world, on other posts not this one, really bugs me.
----
I'll let Orphelia pick this one up, I'm sure she'll happily adorn a pair of boxing gloves for a further round of Fey beating.
Honestly, I can't be bothered with you as you don't seem to comprehend the words you type and drop a comment to just get a reaction. A very literal take on the world? I am the most un-literal person I know and that comment goes to show you neither read or understood anything I wrote. Hence - I can't be bothered with you.
=============
Now, ladies, you wanna roll in my Mercedes? Why can't we all just get a bong?
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-08 17:17:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-02-08 21:25:09 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm going to come right out and say that your very literal take on the world, on other posts not this one, really bugs me.
----
I'll let Orphelia pick this one up, I'm sure she'll happily adorn a pair of boxing gloves for a further round of Fey beating.
Honestly, I can't be bothered with you as you don't seem to comprehend the words you type and drop a comment to just get a reaction. A very literal take on the world? I am the most un-literal person I know and that comment goes to show you neither read or understood anything I wrote. Hence - I can't be bothered with you.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-02-08 17:13:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Vampires aren't really my thing, but it was a good story and very well written.
Plus, YOU wrote it, and I <3 YOU, sooooo...have points. :)
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-02-08 17:11:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
My comment is based on her comments on other people's posts. "Really bugs" me was an exaggeration. But I'm not a fan.
Submitted by billrhine (user info) at 2009-02-08 16:42:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-02-08 16:25:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm going to come right out and say that your very literal take on the world, on other posts not this one, really bugs me.
=============
Pardon me for butting in, but what is wrong with a literal take on the world? Not everyone lives in a dream world, and I'm not saying you do, either.
See Banjo's previous post about her imagination. I think she is FAR from being a literalist. Just my opinion, so don't get your panties in a bunch. . .
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-02-08 16:25:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm going to come right out and say that your very literal take on the world, on other posts not this one, really bugs me.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-02-08 15:52:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She pounced, lightening quick, sinking her fangs into his jugular and tearing at his neck giving him no chance for further explanation. He screamed, tears falling down his face as he thought about the tissue damage and how unlikely it would be if he survived the ordeal that his beautiful flesh would come away unscarred
is how all of manbearpig's dates end up.
you should stop trying to date people, you disgusting animal.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-02-08 15:48:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-02-08 15:19:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This totally SUCKED.
get it?
FUN KNEE, huh?
Submitted by Toddler (user info) at 2009-02-08 14:07:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by billrhine (user info) at 2009-02-08 13:48:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not the kind of girl you joke with by saying, "bite me."
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-02-08 12:45:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicks Twilights' ass.