experimentation. (1246 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: uberbook
Rating: 1.77 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by iddqd (View user info) at 2003-08-14 12:02:08 EDT
inspired by citizen kaineds post "you snooze you lose", i am going to relate an experience...
sure this could have been a reply to the post, but, well... fuck you.
we all see the ads, with their strangely disconcerting use of blue liquids, and ingenous use of pads and tampons to plug leaks ranging from holes in covertible roofs, all the way up to the frigging hoover dam. theres not really much that you cant do with the things, according to these ads.
speaking as a guy, theyve always been a bit taboo. yeah, ive done the run to the shop to buy a girlfriend a pack, but i can tell you, idve probably rather been there asking if anal lube came in industrial sized tubs. who knows what it is about "womens sanitary products" that projects this aura, that makes men want to loudly change subjects...
anyway, i was at home one sultry summers day, home alone. my girlfriend at the time was out with friends, my friends were all at work, and i was bored. rattling around the apartment, like an old widow on speed; actually looking for things to clean. in my random searchings, i head into the bathroom, and start to go through the cabinet for thing to throw out, when i come across her flowery little box of tampons. im particularly squeamish about the whole period thing, i dont know why, i just am. i open the box, look inside at the little woolen soldiers, at attention in their pristine dress uniforms, waiting to be deployed into action. close box. move along, nothing to see here.
go back to rattling around. but cant seem to remove the image of the tampons from my mind. revulsion and attraction are just two sides of the same damn coin, and i cant seem to shake this curious magnetism that the tampons have suddenly pulled over me. i resist. turn on music really loud - no good. my minds hearing a tune far more insistent than the one bombarding my ears.
i go back to the bathroom. take out flowery box. open. eject one (1) into the parade ground of the palm of my hand, atten-SHUN!
unwrap.
vague mediciney smell, maybe its the bathroom, more likely my imagination. silky woolen texture. hospital-wall blue string. i study the tampon. study it like its a venomous snake, its long, blue tongue flickers at me, threatening.
an idea comes to me. or rather i acknowledge an idea that had been floating around in my head from the moment i opened up the box.
i put the tampon in my mouth.
if youve ever taken a prawn cracker - like the ones you get at chinese restaurants, and just put it on your tongue, and feel it stick to your tongue as the cracker soak up your saliva; then you have a small idea of what this feels like.
i feel as though my skull is shrinking, my brain is going to ooze out my eyes, every last drop of liquid in my head is being absorbed by this thing. i start to hear a noise like someone sucking the last bit of a milkshake up through a straw, again i suspect my imagination of fucking with me, so i ride it out. this thing cant keep sucking me up for ever, can it?
can it?
still the sucking continues, my heart begins to labour under the strain, but i cant pull out now; this has become epic. this has gone beyond some bored guy doing some randomly stupid thing; its now become science: how long can i last? can i be killed by exsalivation? does this really need to be this absorbent? how much do chicks bleed anyway?
question followed by question races through my now delerious brain, when my body takes action, overriding the commands sent by the misguided brain. i watch as my arm reaches up grasps the string and flicks the tampon, splat! into the wall, like a giant spitball.
the human body is about 57% water. i reckon i got mine down to about 40% that day.
User Reviews
Submitted by Gish (user info) at 2004-06-30 20:26:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the one of the funniest things I've ever read. And I swear I will not try it at home.
Okay, maybe once.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-06-22 19:14:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When are you going to post the sequel?
"experimentation II - sticking a tampon up my ass." ??
Submitted by SausageKing (user info) at 2004-05-25 01:35:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting experiment...
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-01-02 15:42:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
freak!
I think insane's comments killed the ratings though...
Submitted by BerZerK (user info) at 2003-08-17 12:03:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It bleeds and doesn't die.
Run away....
-BerZ
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2003-08-17 11:54:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep it up.
Submitted by King HFB at 2003-08-14 21:11:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2003-08-14 21:05:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
ive never had sex with a girl "on the rag".
i feel i have the strength to wait 5 days.
==========================================
i have
and it wasnt me who asked for it
ah what a life
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-08-14 21:08:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
for some reason, the LAST thing i expected to happen was to have the tampon thrown in your mouth
man, i gotta take a slash now that was so funny
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2003-08-14 21:05:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ive never had sex with a girl "on the rag".
i feel i have the strength to wait 5 days.
nasty.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-08-14 20:57:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Insane - You are a twisted freaky little man. Squeeze it out? Eugh! Thank God you're a great guy though, otherwise you'd scare the sheisse out of me
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haha I wouldnt do it either.
That is pretty sick huh?
But I have had sex with oh lets see... at least 5 girls on "the rag" so it isn't so disgusting to me.
Mind you I either use a condom, or do it anally, but either way it doesn't really bother me.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-08-14 20:55:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by xLisaCatx (user info) at 2003-08-14 14:06:11 (#)
Ranking: 1
I love you insane, though the idea of squeezing out a tampon or doing anything 'experimental' with it disturbs me a little
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You aren't so bad yourself.
;)
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2003-08-14 20:31:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So, if you put a tampon in your mouth, does that make you a cunt?
+2
Submitted by Rivers_Liebig (user info) at 2003-08-14 15:14:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for hilarity
Lisa - How did you manage to explain that one to the boss? I had trouble enough working my way out of the 'Asshole of the Year' post, but I was able to convince him it was an evaluation of one of the managers at my work
Insane - You are a twisted freaky little man. Squeeze it out? Eugh! Thank God you're a great guy though, otherwise you'd scare the sheisse out of me
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2003-08-14 14:24:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is, hands down, the wierdest post I have read on the ubersite to date. Iddqd thanks for a look into the freakshow that is your mind.
Submitted by xLisaCatx (user info) at 2003-08-14 14:06:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I love you insane, though the idea of squeezing out a tampon or doing anything 'experimental' with it disturbs me a little.
All I care about is not having my crotch stained red from any potential leaking.
Submitted by Blitzen (user info) at 2003-08-14 13:54:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i wish i could give this a +5.
this amuses me greatly, being a woman and not thinking twice about what guys must think of tampons.
HAHAHA why, oh why, did you put it in your mouth??
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-08-14 13:47:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by xLisaCatx (user info) at 2003-08-14 13:00:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
Insane, no it wouldn't. Simply weigh an perfectly clean tampon, then weigh the used one. Compare, and voila. Granted it won't ALL be blood, but we're talking about the juicyness of the clam, right?
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I was OBVIOUSLY talking about a liquid volume measurement, not weight.
Submitted by BerZerK (user info) at 2003-08-14 13:20:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love the way your twisted little mind works.
-BerZ
Submitted by xLisaCatx (user info) at 2003-08-14 13:10:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
...but that* only leads...
+1 for having my boss walk by when I was typing and commenting about the usage of the words "red waterfall" in something work related.
Submitted by athena (user info) at 2003-08-14 13:03:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was so fridging funny
Thank you for makeing my day...
Submitted by xLisaCatx (user info) at 2003-08-14 13:00:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Insane, no it wouldn't. Simply weigh an perfectly clean tampon, then weigh the used one. Compare, and voila. Granted it won't ALL be blood, but we're talking about the juicyness of the clam, right?
All things aside, it can pretty wet and wild down there. Especially if the it's the season of the red waterfall.
Iddqd, I do not know when I'll have the chance to write again. I typically try to write during my various breaks throughout the workday, but only leads to 10 minutes here and there which I typically spend reading up on posts and responses.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-08-14 12:54:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Insane - or you could just weigh it before and after, Seems that would be much easier
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Easier but not as disgusting, plus it would take bullshit research into how much blood weighs etc. to carry out the experiment in that fashion.
<grin>
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-08-14 12:30:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You had me laughing. Good post, though how the idea to stick it in your mouth ever came into being, I don't want to know.
Insane - or you could just weigh it before and after, Seems that would be much easier.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2003-08-14 12:28:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
a +2 from lisacats! - theres something i dont get very often.
youre a hard marker ms cats.
when are you going to write another post?
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2003-08-14 12:24:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no, it was meant to be tubs.
+2 for tubs of anal lube
Submitted by xLisaCatx (user info) at 2003-08-14 12:24:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A glimpse into the life of a woman, even if for a few fleeting seconds.
I am still laughing at this.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2003-08-14 12:23:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"asking if anal lube came in industrial sized tubs"
+2 cuz i think you misspelled tubes, but tubs made it even funnier!
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2003-08-14 12:10:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You would have got a +2 but it did kind of make me feel a little sick (even though it was a clean one!).
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2003-08-14 12:07:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy dogshit, this was funny.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-08-14 12:06:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
haha.
To find out how much they bleed, why not take a used tampon and squeeze the blood out into a measuring implement?
At least you could get an idea, so long as you knew how much time it was in there.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2003-08-14 12:06:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice