Little Albert's Christmas Tale (828 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.96 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Forensic (View user info) at 2008-12-17 17:59:19 EST
Albert took a deep breath. He was standing in front of his living room's window, sweating and steeling himself.
"Please let it be a clear day."
With his established ritual of closing his eyes and flinging aside the curtains, he felt sunlight on his face. It was a good sign so he cautiously allowed his lids to peel back. A bright blue sky greeted him with not a cloud to be seen. Relief washed over Albert and he allowed his stiffened spine to relax.
"Finally!" he thought. It had been a pleasant summer so far, but with too many white fluffy clouds for his comfort. He had grown impatient for a clear day with cerulean skies.
In a better mood than he had been for several weeks, Albert began getting ready for the day. He had much to do. He had to go to the library, make some telephone calls, and finally to purchase yet another gun. A rifle this time.
Albert paused at the door of a closed off room. It would just foul his mood if he went in. He took a few steps past the door, paused again, and went back. Annoyed with his lack of self-control, he opened the door and went inside.
Standing in front of the North wall, he surveyed his collection of photos tacked to the wall. The original wall could not be seen as he had amassed hundreds of photos of the two people he hated, John and Rosalie. He felt the familiar nausea welling up.
"Evil cocksuckers!" he snarled at the frozen photographic faces.
With that, he tore himself away from his shrine of hate and hurried out of the room.
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Albert gripped his satchel close to him as he bounced around in the seat of the bus. The items in that satchel were his lifeline. He had tranquilizers, an asthma inhaler, antiemetics, chocolate bars, and the like. Most days when confronted with aversive stimuli, he could soothe himself without the use of some or all of the items. Some days however, he would have to use all of them. Like if some woman had her baby swathed in a white blanket, or he saw a white animal.
Ironic, he thought. Most people would consider a black cat crossing their path a bad omen. For Albert, a white cat, or white dog for that matter, meant an all out panic attack. The kind of attack that attracts curious assholes who stand and gape as he writhes on the ground, gripping his chest, trying to catch his breath.
Albert caught a flash of white in his peripheral vision. Just a man blowing his nose with a handkerchief. Albert kept his eyes forward nonetheless.
Because of John and Rosalie, Albert had difficulty in everyday life. He feared the color white. When you fear something, you are astonished at how much of the loathed item there is in the world. This fear had landed him in trouble as well.
When he was a young man of 15, he had assaulted a man in a Santa Claus suit. He didn't really mean to, but the idiot didn't know how to take a none too subtle hint.
"HO HO HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS!"
Shit, thought Albert. He knew what would be there if he turned around. He acted like he didn't hear the costumed man and continued looking in a shop window.
"ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A SPECIAL GIFT FOR A SPECIAL GIRL, YOUNG MAN? HO HO HO!"
"Go away." Albert hissed.
"HO HO HO! WHERE'S YOUR CHRISTMAS SPIRIT, LAD?"
With horror, Albert sensed the man moving around to his front. With a rapidly quickening heartbeat, Albert tried to flee. The Santa grabbed his arm.
"NOW NOW NOW, SON, THIS IS NO WAY TO BEHAVE TO SANTA! HO HO..."
The man didn't get a chance to get the last 'HO' out before Albert, in a panic, sucker punched the man in his fearsome white bearded face. Cursing himself, the man sprawled on the sidewalk, and of course John and Rosalie, Albert began to scan the surroundings for an escape route.
"YOU BEASTLIE BOY!" a matronly woman screeched with her finger pointing at him. A crowd began swarming in around Albert who was frantically digging in his pocket for his inhaler. He felt a panic attack coming on. Worse yet, there were many white fur hats sitting on enraged heads, and they were closing in on him. White white white white. Jesus! White white white white. He was going to faint if he didn't get out of their fast. He jumped over the costumed man who was now trying to get to his feet.
"YOU LITTLE BASTARD! SOMEONE CALL THE POLICE!"
Albert began to fight his way through the crowd. He was wheezing and trying to keep conscious. Angry hands tried gripping the lapels of his coat. Off in the distance, he heard the whistles of the approaching police. With one final burst, Albert broke free and ran.
"YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!" came the calls from the crowd.
"Get fucked!" Albert snarled back as he rounded the corner and escaped.
Albert snapped himself out of his shameful remembrance as his disembarked the bus. No, it would be a good day today and soon, he would have another weapon to add to his arsenal.
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Albert was just finishing his dinner when his black Labrador, Schwartzie, appeared to claim any leftovers Albert left for him. With the dog happily cleaning the plate, Albert took his new rifle and went into the shrine room.
Sitting in a chair in front of the North wall, he ran his hands over the barrel of the rifle and smirked up at John and Rosalie.
Soon, he would find them. He had private investigators on their trail. When they were located, he would go to them, no matter how far away they might live now. Yes, he would find them and kill them in the most horrible way he could think of.
"REMEMBER ME, DOC?!" he screamed at the photos.
First, he would blow out their joints; knees, elbows, ankles, wrists. Then perhaps he would stab them a few times in the abdomen. Gouge out their eyes. Urinate on them. He would beat pots and pans around their ears.
"REMEMBER BEATING POTS AND PANS AT ME, DOC? YOU SICK ASSHOLE!"
Finally, as they lay dying, he would place slaughtered white rabbits over their faces. The white rabbits will be a challenge. He'll have to close his eyes when he handles the carcasses.
Albert closed his eyes and imagined how good it will feel to kill John and Rosalie. He felt himself get an erection. Oh yes, killing them will be sweet.
Putting the rifle down, Albert began to masturbate to climax.
"Watch this, Doc!" Albert grunted as he ejaculated on one of Rosalie's pictures.
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What, still alive at twenty-two,
A fine upstanding chap like you?
Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit,
Slit your girl's, and swing for it.
Like enough, you won't be glad
When they come to hang you, lad;
But bacon's not the only thing
That's cured by hanging from a string.
So, when the spilt ink of the night
Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light,
Lads whose job is still to do
Shall whet their knives, and think of you.
~Hugh Kingsmill~
User Reviews
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2009-05-12 11:57:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BadCompany (user info) at 2009-05-12 11:39:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Would have been a plus two if I knew what the doctor's did to Albert and if he ever got his way with them.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2009-05-12 11:08:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love the way Forensic writes.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-12-23 13:52:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Black House.
If it's not, then it should be.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-12-22 01:16:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I understand being misunderstood.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-12-19 16:06:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was run-of-the-mill until I read the reviews and got the back story. Aces.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-12-19 12:50:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh i could so ruin this streak BWahhahahaaahhahahaha
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-12-18 15:24:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The things I learn on the internet!
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-12-18 13:29:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-12-18 12:40:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good read.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-12-18 12:12:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
:)
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2008-12-18 11:53:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha...you're a giant nerd which is completely fine with me.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-12-18 06:08:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You filthy bitch.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2008-12-18 03:44:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-12-18 03:40:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hitler has only got one ball,
Göring has two but very small,
Himmler is somewhat sim'lar,
But poor old Goebbels has no balls at all.
ba dum dum chaaaaaaaaaaaa
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-12-17 23:56:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2008-12-17 23:42:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One of the buttons on my school bag reads "What ever happened to Little Albert?" As soon as I'm able, my newest addition will be "I'm on that like Bandura on Bobo."
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2008-12-17 21:59:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-12-17 21:38:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-12-17 21:04:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If I were rude, crude, and lewd, I would suggest that you, too, cup my balls, but I would never do that, because I'm a gentleman and such.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-12-17 19:41:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Intelligent is the new sexy. It says so on a t-shirt I just got today, so it must be true. I like it when you write.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-12-17 19:15:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We're so sorry, Uncle Albert, but we haven't done a bloody thing all day. . . .
Submitted by Sidivan (user info) at 2008-12-17 18:28:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-12-17 18:18:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Experima got it.
This is how I imagined Little Albert as an adult.
John and Rosalie never did un-condition him.
Hahahahaha
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-12-17 18:18:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Experima is clever too
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-12-17 18:17:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ding Ding Ding!
We have a winner!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-12-17 18:17:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
clever and funny
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-12-17 18:17:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BF Skinner.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-12-17 18:17:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
john watson, rosalie rayner, and the little albert experiment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-12-17 18:14:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more Tiny Tim getting beaten with his crutch
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-12-17 18:08:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
now that i actually finished reading it i mean.
i'm going to leave now.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-12-17 18:08:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fun post though.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-12-17 18:07:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i was just guessing by the way. read your review first, skimmed the story really quickly and dropped the first nutcase named albert who came to mind.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-12-17 18:07:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nope, baby, nope. Good try though.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-12-17 18:05:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
albert fish, baby.
albert fish.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-12-17 18:03:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dammit! I fucked up a there/their.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-12-17 18:01:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The first person to identify who and what I'm referencing, I'll...hmm...+2 three of their posts.