SPT - Stop raping my franchise god damn it! (557 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.91 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (View user info) at 2008-12-04 14:04:35 EST
For those of you who are either 1. Too old, B. Uninterested, or Green. A tool, you can leave this post right now.
Seriously, fuck right the hell off. This is a post about Sonic and I put SPT in the title, IT'S THERE!
Ergh... anyway. Remember the Genesis? Remember that? Remember how AWESOME it was to go super fast and kick ass along the way?
Well fuck off! You don't get to do that anymore because ...because.... well there is no good reason why but apparently we are all dirty heathens who live in Australia and eat kangaroos because we aren't worth a good Sonic game.
I would settle for a mediocre Sonic game, really I would. BUT FUCK THAT WHY PRODUCE "QUALITY" CONTENT WHEN WE CAN SLAP A BRAND NAME ON SOMETHING AND JUST SELL A BOX WITH HOBO JISM IN IT?
I really do wonder what happens in meetings with some video games:
Executive Asshole 1: Okay so Sonic Unleashed is ready to be burned to disc in two weeks, any last minute changes?
Executive Asshole 2: I had a thought.
EA 1: Hit me.
EA 2: What if we, and this is just an idea, cut 2/3's of the game and replaced it with drivel.
*Stunned silence*
Executive Asshole 3: That is the most brilliant thing I have ever heard.
EA 2: Isn't it?
EA 1: It's like you read my mind, we would really raise everyones expectations to dangerous levels if we released the game how it is now.
EA 3: It's really the best option we have.
Steve: Uh don't you guys think this is a terrible idea?
*stunned silence*
EA 2: You're fired Steve.
GAAAAH!!!! What the HELL?!?! Let's take a step back.
Okay, Dreamcast, Sonic Adventure. That was good. Even Sonic Adventure 2 wasn't too bad.
Then what? WHAT?!?! WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE?!?! IS THAT A SONIC CHARACTER WITH A GUN? A *BLACK* SONIC CHARACTER WITH A GUN?!?! ARRRGGHBLLSAAAASAGH! I am LITERALLY SCREAMING WITH ANGER IN THE MIDDLE OF MY OFFICE!
HBRJHDRLLLLAAARRGHSHS!!!!!1!!!eleven!11!!!!
*pant pant pant* Holy fuck no. Just no. Stop it you dick wads. Stop I can't take anymore.
What? A Sonic game for the Xbox 360? Alright cool, a nice platformer that I can sink my teeth into.
Wait... Wait... You know that painful feeling when you sit down to play it? That is the feeling of 9 inches of razor sharp dildo penetrating your colon, and thank god I have something to distract me from the game.
Let me tell you the key to the whole mother fucking franchise.
Speed.
There should be a checklist on the cube wall of every developer that they need to check off before they do anything.
-Is it fast?-
That's it? And guess what asstards, YOU FUCKED IT UP! You fucked up a perfectly simple formula! FUCKED. IT. UP. And on top of that, you LITERALLY STOLE sections from prior games and FUCKED THEM UP. You have, with an Xbox360 managed to copy portions of Sonic games from older hardware and made them SLOWER. Fail.
Then word came that the Sonic Team was getting together to make a new Wii Sonic game. One would assume that Nintendo, master of the platforming genre couldn't jack this up any worse than it had been before.
You know how I know that the world is governed by a cruel god? Hope. Humans have it in spades. Stupid us.
Let me take a breath for a moment.
*breath*
WHAT THE JACK SHIT CUM GUZZLING BALL LICKING DGHSDFHGL KJHFGSLKHSFZOIGHRS EJIEGHRLSDIUGHLJKZ SFDGKLJ HFU! I am so mad I CANNOT TYPE WHAT I AM THINKING!
Sonic and the Secret Rings? Really? That's the best you can do?
If you think it isn't bad, let me ask you to do something.
Insert the disc into the wii and let it load up. I'll wait.
Okay now load a level.
And try to go backwards....
To the person who masterminded Sonic and the Secret Rings... Eat me.
Eat. Me.
When Sonic Unleashed was announced I tried to fight the hope. I tried to fight the urge to get excited I really did.
And they .... I.... I can't even put to words the.... just... FUCK!
My childhood is being raped in front of my eyes. Raped.
You know what, I am at work but fuck it. It's 2 o'clock and I am going to leave work and get drunk. I am going to take a fucking sick day and snuggle up to a bottle of Grey Goose.
Shit...
User Reviews
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-12-04 22:09:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't played it yet :( The franchise sort of died after Sega.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-12-04 22:04:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-12-04 13:20:19 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
Up C. Down C. Left C. Right C. A and B. Then start!
i play the first sonic under emulation all the time when i'm travelling.
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2008-12-04 20:55:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-12-04 17:40:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sonic makes a great foot-long chilidog. . .
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2008-12-04 17:21:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah how can you fuck up AoE? Really it takes effort.
That is my point, it takes a lot of time and money to make a modern game. How come at no point no one stops these horrific things from happening? How? Especially when some of the same people are making the new games?!?!?
How?!?!
HOW I ASK YOU!!!!
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-12-04 16:41:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE THEY JUST DID
GO AHEAD GUESS
I WILL WAIT
ZIPPER OUTSOURCED SOCOM TO A SEPARATE COMPANY FOR A QUICK RELEASE ON THE PS3 AND IT SUCKS. SUUUUUUUUCKS!!!!
i really am super pissed about this. it is terrible.
why do companies do this. take games with no rivals, then change all the things that made that game great so that other labels can steal your old ideas and come out with a better version when you could have just DONE IT IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE.
socom got overtaken by call of duty.
age of empires was phenomenal all through the first three versions, then they brought out AOE3, changed everything about it and EVERYBODY HATED IT INSTANTLY. IT WAS BARELY PLAYABLE ON MOST PEOPLES' COMPUTERS AND THE THINGS THAT MADE IT RUN SO POORLY WERE ALL THE STUPID SHIT EVERYBODY HATED THE MOST.
i know where you are coming from.
Submitted by rubbermaid (user info) at 2008-12-04 16:18:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
that wasn't very nice.
retal.
hehehe
NOT!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-12-04 16:15:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
What the hell are you talking about?
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-12-04 15:44:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-12-04 14:23:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There was some micky mouse platformer on the snes that I remember as excellent
---
Yes.
You started out as steam boat willy.
It was great.
The lion king on the snes wasn't half bad either.
This is why I never got rid of, and still play my snes.
I never really liked sega.
I was all nintendo.
mario>sonic.
tails> luigi
yoshi > all
Submitted by rubbermaid (user info) at 2008-12-04 15:13:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Richmond-ish.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-12-04 14:53:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2008-12-04 14:30:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*chuckle*
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-12-04 14:29:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PtDl-0B5U-g&feature=related
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2008-12-04 14:25:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
*scrambles to find old Sega console in junk closet*
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-12-04 14:24:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
EI looks like a muppet
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-12-04 14:23:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-12-04 19:22:00 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
prince of Persia on the mac. Perfection
------------
nerd
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-12-04 14:23:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There was some micky mouse platformer on the snes that I remember as excellent
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-12-04 14:22:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
prince of Persia on the mac. Perfection
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2008-12-04 14:20:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Earthworm jim was great, but it is dead now and can be remembered for how good it was.
Let Sonic die, or stop fucking it up assholes.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-12-04 14:20:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Up C. Down C. Left C. Right C. A and B. Then start!
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-12-04 14:15:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't finish reading this. I'm not a fan of Sonic. HOWEVER- I can appreciate where you are coming from on this. This is why I stopped playing video games after Super nintendo and -to a small degree- Nintendo 64. Is there a bad Mario game? I don't know. I never will. Why? Because I still have Mario 3.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-12-04 14:10:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Segaaaaaaa.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-12-04 14:09:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Why don't any of you talk about Earthworm Jim? That game was genius. Made me laugh too.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2008-12-04 14:09:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No but god damn it why can't it be from time to time?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-12-04 14:09:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-02-02 12:51:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
High Voltage, you are a retard. Please refrain from speaking ever again.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-12-04 14:05:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
sonic?really? is this 1994?