A Phone Call from Bret Dianichs :( (1628 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.49 on 74 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by icarus (View user info) at 2008-11-24 18:50:01 EST
Seriously, uber, what the fuck? I'm gone for like three weeks and my favorite ginger retard blows his only synapse? WHY DIDN'T ANY OF YOU EMAIL ME??
Oh that's right. A couple of you did.
You emailed me and as I was too busy -- y'know, working and having a life and all-- maintained a running syopsis of the situation. For those of you who haven't been keeping up, it appears that our own ginger knuckle-dragger has temporarily abandoned his favorite mammoth grounds to stalk the wild sandman.
Appears he thinks Sandman is someone named Jack Webber and is somehow involved with a girl named "Britta", all things Brett found from his impressive cache of online search tools. Now, in reality, the ginger tosser will probably posture a bit, run out of steam and get on to his latest post re: drop-stitching or paining bicycles.
But imagine he didn't. And imagine this wasn't shenannigans, which it may very well be. Imagine we lived in a much more interesting world, things on ubersite were real, and Bret took his Zen Mastery of Online Search Tools to the REAL world and gave these poor bystanders he's tracked down a call.
I have. And it went something like this:
Britta: Hello?
Brett: Hi, uh, is uhm, is this Britta?
Britta:
Brett: K, um, well, this is Brett Dianichs. Uhm, from Ubersite.
Britta:
Brett: I um, y'know, I just wanted you to know that I've, uh, done some research on, er, and your, um, boyfriend, Jack Webber, he's uh, he's not who he, um, says he is.
Britta: Who's Jack Webber? What an ubersite? Is this about porn?
Brett: I, um, wanted you to know that I've traced his digital IP address using this secret technology called TCP/IP (I, um, paid a 12 year old boy $10 for it online) and, um, he's not who he, ur, says he is. He, uh, could be someone, y'know, dangerous.
Britta: I'm not dating a Jack Webber.
Brett: I, uh, told you. He's not, uh, who he says he is.
Britta: I'm a lesbian.
Brett: ... Like I said.
Britta: Right. So my girlfriend goes on an ubersite pretending to be someone named Jack Webber.
Brett: No! On Ubersite s/he's SANDMANTATE!!! LOOK I HAVE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN BUT YOU'RE IN GRAVE DANGER! ONLY SICOSEMEN KNOWS ABOUT THIS! WE MUST KEEP IT HUSH-HUSH UNTIL I CAN ALERT BART-BART BY PAYING $1 TO PUT IT ON THE UBERBOARD!
*Click*
*Heavy breathing*
*Dialing*
Jack: Jack Webber speaking.
Brett: I know you aren't who you say you are you son of a bitch. :(
User Reviews
Submitted by dangerdude (user info) at 2009-03-19 02:11:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-28 22:58:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh man - i just thought of something. Bret may run out of alters because of the Mumbai attacks.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-11-28 21:53:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-25 13:47:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rubbermaid (user info) at 2008-11-25 13:41:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Wonder why.
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Who rattled your cage Quasimodo?
===========
That name rings a bell. . .
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-11-26 16:15:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-25 21:57:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Piss off! I'm trademarked, copywrited, and patented.
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Wow, we're really grouchy. It must be our time of the month. :(
We'd best eat our chocolates and have a lie-down, hadn't we?..
*RUNS*
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-25 21:59:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-25 21:57:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Piss off! I'm trademarked, copywrited, and patented.
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Hey! We can't talk to ourself like that! Who do we think we are?
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-25 21:58:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We are?
Sweet!
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-25 21:57:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Piss off! I'm trademarked, copywrited, and patented.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-11-25 21:38:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow. How very '80s, Icarus. Did you know we're also forensicgirl?
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-25 21:23:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Sandman, if you went on a diet, then you wouldn't crave so much attention.
Did you know Bret's middle name was Dallas?
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-11-25 21:15:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow, I, Sandman, have totally allowed this to get out of control. This wouldn't happen all the time if I weren't so fat. :(
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-11-25 15:41:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wait. I'm no1hasdis now? Or he's me? Wow.
And damnit, I don't eat Cheetos.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-25 15:23:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by middleeasternchick (user info) at 2008-11-25 15:15:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-25 14:39:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by middleeasternchick (user info) at 2008-11-25 14:34:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Perseveration
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Sociopathic
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Yes. Wanna play? :)
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I have Parcheesi or Magic the Gathering.
Submitted by middleeasternchick (user info) at 2008-11-25 15:15:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-25 14:39:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by middleeasternchick (user info) at 2008-11-25 14:34:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Perseveration
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sociopathic
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Yes. Wanna play? :)
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-25 14:39:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by middleeasternchick (user info) at 2008-11-25 14:34:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Perseveration
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Sociopathic
Submitted by middleeasternchick (user info) at 2008-11-25 14:34:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Perseveration
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-25 13:47:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rubbermaid (user info) at 2008-11-25 13:41:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Wonder why.
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Who rattled your cage Quasimodo?
Submitted by rubbermaid (user info) at 2008-11-25 13:41:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Wonder why.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-25 13:18:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, this place is a god damn ghost town.
Where the white women at?
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-11-25 12:58:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Blackberry (user info) at 2008-11-25 12:55:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wait Hadley, didn't you know? I'm YOU!
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-25 12:42:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, Hadley, it all started with this:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/119942#2821344
came to a head with this:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/119942#2821354
and this:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/119942#2821366
This is where we are at for the moment:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/119942#2821444
Now, the question is, which clock tower is our ginger twit hiding in, and what will he do with the super secret 'info' he has managed to obtain?
My name is Icarus, and I approve this message.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-11-25 12:22:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok, where was the drama? I missed the Britta annd phone calls and want to be in the know.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-11-25 10:13:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dirty and disturbed
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-25 10:07:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:08:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't you try to change to subject, and leave that beautiful Squirrely Girl out of this.
You forgot that I am also Orphelia, Susie_Derkins, and Icarus1987!
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^
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Hey Fallen....
Sorry to upset you, big boy. ;)
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-11-25 09:52:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I dont care if sandman and icarus are the same person as long as neither of your are Orphelia.
after all the internet flirting I feel a little dirty.
Submitted by rubbermaid (user info) at 2008-11-25 09:26:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-11-25 06:45:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I have a feeling this is all gonna end in tears.
Warm, glistening tears that SOMEBODY will use to masturbate fiercely with.
Now, I'm not saying who... it could be anyone in a long list of characters.
But oh, such sorrow will be be source of spilt seed this morning!
Blah, blah, blah, blah...
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-11-25 02:28:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-11-25 02:20:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Silly.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-25 00:54:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lunattic? this (reviews)had me lolling
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-11-24 22:56:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well, it was just a piece of friendly advice, sir.
but that 't' is at your own peril. he is a lunatic, you know.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-11-24 22:52:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I like to alternate :(
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-11-24 22:47:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
be careful putting that extra 't' in there, it gets him all roid ragey.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-11-24 22:29:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-24 20:27:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Where do you buy these Tricorn hats?
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A&F
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2008-11-24 22:28:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No comprende.
Submitted by middleeasternchick (user info) at 2008-11-24 22:24:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Wow. Icarus + Sandman = Titanic brains...
in a sea of icebergs.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2008-11-24 22:02:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-11-24 21:16:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:59:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This rating is ridiculous. I need a degree in inside joke 101 to make sense of this thing, and even if I had spent the four years completing the prequisites and working through my senior thesis, I still think this would be utter dog shit.
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This really is dog shit
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-11-24 21:56:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahahahahahahaha
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-11-24 21:38:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Wait a second. I've been gone for a few days...My cell phone didn't work and I had limited access to the internet.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-11-24 21:16:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:59:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This rating is ridiculous. I need a degree in inside joke 101 to make sense of this thing, and even if I had spent the four years completing the prequisites and working through my senior thesis, I still think this would be utter dog shit.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-11-24 20:51:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is 100% shenanigans, I know for a fact that sandman's real name isn't Jack Weber, it's Jay Greening, and that Britta chick is not his girlfriend, she's a semi-internet-famous webcam blogger.
LEAVE ROIDY ALONE DAMMIT IT'S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-11-24 20:44:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-24 20:27:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Where do you buy these Tricorn hats?
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-11-24 20:19:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm getting another tricorn for Christmas :(
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:59:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This rating is ridiculous. I need a degree in inside joke 101 to make sense of this thing, and even if I had spent the four years completing the prequisites and working through my senior thesis, I still think this would be utter dog shit.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:58:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well Sandman - who looks like a young James Dean with a dash of Brad Pitt for flavor - it looks as though we should prepare for this 'crumpling' which is sure to befall us.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:56:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Adam Ant was considered a sex symbol. You have to take him in the context of the 80's. At least his makeup was supposed to look like makeup. Unlike Duran Duran expecting us teenage girls to believe they actually looked like that.
We KNEW Adam was dressing up JUST FOR US! In his great coat and tight leather pants and tricorn hat.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:54:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have Pokeman 3 Psyducks. They were gifts from an 8 year old.
"Auntie (not really the child's aunt, the title was honorary) Forensic studies psychology. She needs a Psyduck!"
It was sweet actually. That kid also tends to extort money from me.
Lil' bastard.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:53:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You're both right. That Icarus is a pretty smart fellow, looking as much like Adam Ant as he does.
Only more manly.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:53:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:50:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You do realize that both of you (or one, whatever) are going to be crumpled, don't you?
Go back to arguing about video games you nerds.
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What is this 'crumpling' of which you speak? Is this a bad thing? Do I (Icarus) and Sandman have anything to worry about?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:50:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You do realize that both of you (or one, whatever) are going to be crumpled, don't you?
Go back to arguing about video games you nerds.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:48:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://img262.imageshack.us/img262/3756/becketgscpokemonpage4fk2.jpg
Well, Sandman- if you were me (Icarus) then you would already know that.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:45:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What is Yoogirasu
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:44:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I, Icarus, enjoy collecting Pokemon accesories, and I went two weeks in prison for getting in a fight with a 6 year old* over a Yoogirasu collectable. The fact that I know a pokemon named Yoogirasu proves that I am Icarus.
*I lost that fight.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:38:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I, Sandman, enjoy searching 4chan for Highlander slash erotica fanfic and also futinari. The fact that I know such things exist proves I am clearly Sandman. Who is fat.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:34:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, well I, Icarus, just got beat up by my ginger wife. She threw me up against the lockers and screamed profanity at me. :(
I'm a wuss.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:32:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whatever Sandman. Everyone knows that I, Icarus, would never get a tweak from Bret's sandal post.
Everyone who knows me knows that I have the three foot bike jump picture set as my desktop background.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:31:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It would all be better if you gave me (Sandman) the scyth, however. Or made me cookies. So that my ass with continue to consume girth. Because I'm fat. And also Sandman.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:29:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:19:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I CALLED NO ONE FAT! And you're NOT getting your meathooks hands on my scythe. NEITHER OF YOU!
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We all know that I've been Sandman all along and that I'm a big fat nerd who likes Star Wars and tabletop games. Also, I (Sandman) have a serious foot fetish and got a bit of teak from Bret's sandal post.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:22:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for naming your daughter after a water filtration system!
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:22:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
CONSIDER IT GONE! WE KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!
(We had Bret look it up. He's really good at that stuff!)
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:19:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I CALLED NO ONE FAT! And you're NOT getting your meathooks hands on my scythe. NEITHER OF YOU!
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:17:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FG called me fat?
WTF? I'M NOT FAT!
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:16:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep a close eye on your Scythe. Icarus and I are stealing it.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:15:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You called me, uhm, I mean Sandman, fat last time :(
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:13:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sensitive enough you freak.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:10:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FG, I thought you were a little more understanding.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/green-saber/223449118/
That's a sandPERSON. It hurts their self esteem when you try to confine them to one sex.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:08:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Them wild sandmen are a might wiley they is!
What is a sandman anyway? I did some searches. Here's what I came up with.
http://img1.photobucket.com/albums/1003/Lead_Crow/Spider-Man/sandman.jpg
http://www.flickr.com/photos/renguerra/2471664014/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/51268217@N00/330544211/
http://www.jsports.co.jp/tv/wwe/superstars/stars_e_Sandman.jpg
http://www.flickr.com/photos/green-saber/223449118/
Maybe Oathy is on to something. Sandmantate seems a little hard to pin down.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:08:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am Jack's Raging Bile Duct.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/119918
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:08:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't you try to change to subject, and leave that beautiful Squirrely Girl out of this.
You forgot that I am also Orphelia, Susie_Derkins, and Icarus1987!
Wait... Icarus = Sandman <------ Is that correct?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:05:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am Jack's obvious shenanigans.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:04:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
YOU'RE really Bret Dianics, you son of a bitch. You're also Urbane_Mischief, Teephapha. Sicosemen, Fat Tony, and Squirelly_Girl.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:01:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Icarus, you son of a bitch! I can't fucking believe you posted my first and last fucking name on this site. What's your fucking problem? I trusted you, and this is what I get in return? That's some good 'friendship' you showed me there, buddy.
Tell you what- This is something that I'll fucking remember. You know everything you told me? About your wife, your job, your name and address? Consider it public fucking information you backstabbing asshole.
It's fucking on!
You get a +2 because I'm considering this a dedication post.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:00:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well blow me down and call me Jack Webber