We've really cocked this up (970 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.74 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (View user info) at 2008-11-14 12:34:40 EST
"Look, I can see by the ire of your face that you aren't taking this seriously enough." I said leaning on the counter. A woman in a bright green shirt with a name tag that said "Marilyn" on it stared blankly back at me.
"Listen Marilyn, I don't want grief. I just need information and you are the only one who seems to have it. I am a customer you know."
"You aren't technically a customer yet. You just walked up to the counter and started talking to me." She said leaning back in her chair. Kids these days, they think they have it all. When I was a kid they hadn't invented chairs that could lean back, only chairs that could lean forward so you would slide off onto the floor. Those were good times. Simpler times of complicated back issues.
Actually judging from the sun lines on her face, she looks older than me. What the hell was that tangent for anyway?!?!
"Whatever my reasons are, I need from you one bit of information!" I said slamming my fist on the desk.
"Ow!" I said after slamming my fist on the desk.
Her eyebrow raised.
"How much..." I started dramatically.
"....is..." I continued dramatically.
"...it to rent a camel?" I finished. Dramatically.
"I'm sorry?" She asked.
"And do I need to return it fully gassed up like with a car? Do they eat cheeseburgers or only water? I wouldn't know, but I'm sure you do. With your ethnicity and all."
"My ethnicity? What do you mean?"
"Well you know. You're middle eastern." I pointed out with my pointer finger that I save specifically for pointing and sometimes poking.
"I'm Hispanic." She replied, her voice cooling to a low tone.
"Look I don't want to hear about your sob story, I just need to rent a camel once I arrive in Tehran. I assume Hertz has locations there?" I asked, referencing the rental company she worked for so that the reader can begin to draw a mental picture of what is going on.
I'm also at an airport, fyi.
And APPARENTLY there is some sort of difference between Arab's and Hispanics. EXCUSE ME politically correct police for not knowing that particular bit of esoteric knowledge!
Taking a Tic-Tac box out of my pocket and downing a few white pills, things suddenly seem to happy in super speed. Marilyn immediately leaps into action, her fingers flying across the computer keyboard deftly maneuvering through the interwebs to find my information and retrieve it for me. Stepping through a temporal split in time and space, a mystical dragon comes to stand over her shoulder (Presumably her supervisor, there for quality assurance) smiling knowingly at me while munching on the hind quarter of a recently slain goat.
"How was that Tic-Tac?" He asked me.
"Fucking fantastic! I laced it with acid!" I yelled before leaping backwards into a pool full of marshmallow pudding and puppies.
"You did what?" Marilyn asked as I rolled around on the ground.
"Puppies!" I squealed with a gleeful laugh.
"Sir did you just say you laced something with acid?" She asked again, her hand reaching for the phone floating a few inches above her desk. It's that sort of negativity that really brings me back to the cold reality that I am an unemployed loser tripping on acid while rolling around on an airport floor only long enough to have security take me away.
"Did YOU just say YOU laced something with acid?" I retorted with superb wit and aplomb.
"No." She said lifting the phone off the receiver.
"Wait!" I cried out leaping to my feet and knocking the phone away.
"I can scream rape and have police over here." She threatened.
"I could do the same darling, it's called mutually assured destruction. Check it out, it's in a history book. ANYWAY, I really, really want to go to Iran and fix this whole "problem" that is going on over there. And the Tic-Tac's are integral to my plans, so they are coming too." I explained.
"Yes we are!" They piped up from my pocket.
"Shhhh." I urged them before staring levelly at Marilyn. She responded with an ear shattering scream. That was when it all fell into place.
The way she was unwilling to help me, the furtive glances around, the fact that her supervisor was eating what is quite obviously an IRANIAN goat! It all made sense! THIS RENTAL LOCATION WAS A PRO-IRANIAN TERRORIST CELL ON US SOIL!
I leapt into action!
And by leaping into action I mean I voided my bowels.
"Ah shit!" I exclaimed at my new predicament.
"Quick! Run away!" The Tic-Tac's cried to me from my pocket.
"Good idea Jerry!" I yelled back and began to sprint away from that evil place.
And this brings me to the crux of my point.... Somehow.
In 2012, don't vote for Democrats because they allow Iranian's to run our rental car services. And don't vote for Republican's because... I shouldn't have to explain that one.
Vote for Santa.
He's got a pro-present agenda, and he's here to stay.
User Reviews
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-11-22 12:17:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HighVoltage.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-11-17 16:20:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-11-14 12:48:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant. :)
Where the fuck is Spam lately? I miss Spam, dammit!! :(
--
Home PC is busted and work have blocked Uber, so nothing from me for the time being, sorry.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-11-17 06:22:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by bromide (user info) at 2008-11-17 06:17:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sehr Gut.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-11-17 04:47:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Laboured.
Submitted by Jordan85777 (user info) at 2008-11-15 19:53:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2008-11-15 08:41:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tictacs tactics!
Great post.
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2008-11-15 03:09:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2008-11-15 01:54:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wasn't really paying attention til you mentioned acid.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-11-14 18:55:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-11-14 18:17:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Did YOU just say YOU laced something with acid?" I retorted with superb wit and aplomb.
=====
Ha, I enjoy you.
Submitted by Plus2 (user info) at 2008-11-14 17:14:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All kinds of awesome
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-14 17:07:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha..tictacs
also, puppies love water bottles with a few pebbles or something in them - you might try that with the kittens too :-)
I WUV my puppies... dey soooo cute!!
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-11-14 17:01:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-11-14 15:25:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-11-14 14:44:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-11-14 14:34:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-11-14 17:43:35 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2008-11-14 12:42:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
now i want tic tacs
===
Apparently, kittens love tic tac boxes with like 3 left in there. Hours of fun. I mean noise.
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I want a kitten. Yes this may sound gay but I want a kitten.
:(
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-11-14 14:31:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best all week.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-11-14 14:30:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yummy goodness
Submitted by rubbermaid (user info) at 2008-11-14 13:52:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2008-11-14 13:50:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not sure if this is a thing in canada, my friends in britain have never heard of it, but you should check it out.
In the US the government has tons of vehicles that it replaces at a regular pace. They sell the old ones at auction for ridiculously cheap prices. Maybe you can find something like that. At least then you would be sure of the maintenance.
======
More info please.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2008-11-14 13:05:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2008-11-14 13:00:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mostly, it doesn't seem like many people even try on Uber anymore. This place just kind of feels recycled when it's not feeling like an elementary school playground. Then I run across a post like this and I remember. I remember...
Maybe it's me that's different. Maybe Uber's still the same. <cue easy-listening love ballad>
-----------------------------
And on that night, he choose me....
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2008-11-14 13:00:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm like an internet ninja these days. I swing by my friend's place and steal his broadband for a few hours, I clean up his house and then I go back over the mountains into deepest, darkest Craig County. I may not come back for months. I download some new porn for the freaky girlfriend, check my email, maybe drop a comment or post on Uber and then I'm gone.
Mostly, it doesn't seem like many people even try on Uber anymore. This place just kind of feels recycled when it's not feeling like an elementary school playground. Then I run across a post like this and I remember. I remember...
Maybe it's me that's different. Maybe Uber's still the same. <cue easy-listening love ballad>
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-11-14 12:55:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-11-14 12:50:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-11-14 12:48:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant. :)
Where the fuck is Spam lately? I miss Spam, dammit!! :(
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2008-11-14 12:47:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Is one of them santa?
He hardly visits me anymore. Only coming by about once a year.
What the fuck Santa. Am I not attractive now that I am older you jerk?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-11-14 12:45:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny, I just lost my office job. I also have WAYYYY too much ti8me on my hands.
Also, there are 2 rare sightings on this post already. You would barely know this place anymore.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2008-11-14 12:44:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Amesome, as usual.
Coincidentally, I nearly choked on a Tic-Tac while laughing at this post.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-11-14 12:43:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2008-11-14 12:42:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
now i want tic tacs
===
Apparently, kittens love tic tac boxes with like 3 left in there. Hours of fun. I mean noise.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2008-11-14 12:43:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
A guy with an office job again....
And WAYYYY too much time on my hands.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-11-14 12:42:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And you are...?
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2008-11-14 12:42:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
now i want tic tacs
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-11-14 12:40:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Puppies!
Submitted by rubbermaid (user info) at 2008-11-14 12:35:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read it but I will later. You were pretty good at creativity and shit.