Berty buys some fast food (1309 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.76 on 73 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Berty (View user info) at 2008-10-24 05:42:56 EDT
They say that soldiers are heroes, but I disagree. The other night I was driving home and the radio was talking about a Unicef survey which stated that Britain's youth are the most depressed youth in the west. It was late and the shops were closed so I stopped off at KFC for some scabby fried chicken.
Dear God.
The counter security glass had been cracked by ruffians the night before. A Jamaican lady who looked like she had science done to her to make her incredibly ugly stood at the front of the queue, next was an old and confused white man with a robot in his hair to make his ears work. Neither had a clue what was going on.
The workers there were such homely, dumpy things. Chipped teeth, rubbery cheeks, eyes the wrong distance apart but my God, they smiled. They smiled in that place even though the air reeked of death and the walls were painted with desperation. The shop never changes, except on weekends; hung over teenagers stare at their underage girlfriends who splice straws together so they can poke the staff through the security glass.
Early afternoon sunshine washes the wall a piss yellow and bloated, distorted, caricatures of mothers with bewilderingly ageing parents/friends/glassy eyed children turn the line into a concentration camp of hungry rejects. It is as if all the flotsam of the midlands washes into a sump in Acocks Green, people walk out into traffic because they want to die and are feckless because they have lost the will to think, and the lowest of that waste washes in through that sticky door. Yet always, always, the incompetent staff are there to poison them with grease.
In spite of the abuse, or perhaps because of it, they serve. Sometimes smiling, often mirroring the blank expressions of their customers, but always there.
Whenever I am tired and hung-over and in need of something to eat after a night of binge drinking I visit that shop. Not because the food is nice, which it isn't, not because it is cheap, which it isn't, but because I am inspired. They stand, emotionless as machines, as the filth and horror of mankind saturates them. They have risen from nothing to be nothing and they just fucking take it. They have no prospects, no natural beauty, no charisma or intelligence and they wade through human detritus every day. They serve in a castle of pure hopelessness and endure the most appalling degradation without batting an eyelid. They just keep on going.
You can keep your ignorant killers, your fire-fighting boy-childs and your grumpy angels of mercy. For me, I have these juggernauts of mediocrity; who know not pity or fear or remorse. Who cannot be bargained with or reasoned with. Who will not stop, not even after you are dead. Mark my words; when humanity falls it will be cockroaches and former employees of KFC that will form the new world order and it shall be a paradise of perfect grey.
User Reviews
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-10-27 19:21:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post inspired me to eat KFC on Sunday.
Four hours later the food poisoning kicked in.
Two hours after that my bowels were clear of all obstructions, remnants, and healthful flora.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-10-27 09:11:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Story below reminds me of the time I took my eldest son for a 'treat' to MacDonalds and the toilets had flooded, spewing sewerage everywhere.
They just put orange cones and 'warning, slippery floor' signs up around the puddle formed at the door to the toilets (which were 'out of order') and carried on serving.
You had to que right next to the puddle.
We went to Subway instead.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2008-10-27 08:12:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Our KFC is one of those places that have secured a place in urban myth and not in a good way. It's located directly in the heart of the Triangle of Death (a lovely little part of our town famous for the trifecta of Graveyard, retirement homes and a Funeral Director within a stones throw of each other) and way back in the darkness of time - maybe ten years ago - some dude hung himself in the flat above.
Needless to say he wasn't found for quite a while - the first they knew of it was when there were maggots and...erm...'juice' dripping through the ceiling into the fillet burgers.
People still eat there but I've never been to a KFC in any other part of the country where people peer at the fillets with the same 'am I sure that's mayo?' expression. It's burned down twice since then as well. I probably should be steering clear of their tainted curseburgers but there's nothing better on a hangover.
Fact.
Submitted by Jordan85777 (user info) at 2008-10-26 17:39:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was very very good
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-10-26 10:08:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How's this on Most Heated? I think we broke uber.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-10-26 10:08:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yessir Mr lungfish, there's one right off of Wilkins Ave in my old neighborhood. I can't tell which side is sadder, but the smallest human there was easily two hundred fifty pounds...
in her bra.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-10-25 15:18:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have you ever been to one of those combined KFC/A&Ws? Now those folks are grim.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-10-25 13:37:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Juggernauts of mediocrity.
Priceless.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2008-10-25 13:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-10-25 04:41:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was the best description of KFC ever
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-10-25 03:54:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-10-24 22:20:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Technically sound in that you can string critical detail together in a coherent fashion. Content wise, it was clicheed.
Urine.
Blank stares.
Servitude and desperation.
This wasn't as much of a portrait as a characature. It reeks of the kind of spittle freshman-year English Majors pump out until they learn it comes across as trite and pompous.
Submitted by AngryforaLiving (user info) at 2008-10-24 20:50:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking beautiful. This was so well crafted. The pictures it painted in my mind were made so much more poignant because of my time working in KFC in my youth. You have brought up memories long repressed my friend, terrible, terrible memories of a time in my life when EVERYTHING, every article of clothing, my hair, the very pores of my skin smelled of chicken grease, always. Masterfully done, you cunt. You'll be hearing from my therapist. *shudder*
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2008-10-24 17:41:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-10-24 15:27:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Terminator quote.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-10-24 15:17:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hear that even if the cockroaches survive our destroying the world with nuclear weapons, they will have trouble finding food without the waste created by humans.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-10-24 15:15:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You ate at KFC and you weren't even high?
For shame, Berty, for shame.
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2008-10-24 15:03:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is definitely one of the best posts I've read on this site.
For this, I give you one Kudos
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2008-10-24 14:51:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is so beautiful..it brought a tear to my eye, it did
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-10-24 13:54:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have man love for you Berty. Post more
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-10-24 13:12:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Then and now.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2008-10-24 12:42:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-10-24 12:33:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i should be archbishop emission impossible
it has a nice ring
and so do i
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2008-10-24 12:26:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-24 12:13:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wait, who the hell said I was a philanthropist? I hate charity.
------
being the pope makes even more sense then.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2008-10-24 12:15:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You could be a dormant one. Consult your physician.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-24 12:13:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wait, who the hell said I was a philanthropist? I hate charity.
Submitted by weather (user info) at 2008-10-24 12:13:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You are not TheBoshMan, therefore you don't require using the 3rd person in your title.
Shalom.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-24 12:12:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's from Nedroid, at www.nedroid.com
7 out of 9 teenagers agree that it is "the best thing".
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2008-10-24 12:09:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What comic is that, my crippled philanthropist?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2008-10-24 12:07:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
become the pope. problem solved.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-24 11:59:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If only I could combine my two loves of being a fat cunt and being richer than God.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2008-10-24 11:56:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
but first he has to become like fat elvis.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-24 11:54:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Berty's iconic status can only be cemented and immortalised through premature death.
Be careful not to outstay your welcome on this plane, my friend.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2008-10-24 11:53:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
only the good die young, work on being evil berty. your immortality is assured then.
and stay away from wendy's.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-24 11:50:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Fleeting time"?
DJ, my dear friend, I intend to live forever.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2008-10-24 11:48:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FLEETING time.
Fuck.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2008-10-24 11:47:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Repugnant is a creature who would squandor the ability to lift an eye to KFC, conscious of his time here.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-24 11:46:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A Jamaican lady who looked like she had science done to her to make her incredibly ugly
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I liked this line, reminded me of the sketch from Mitchell & Webb parodying a medical drama.
"She needs more medicine!"
"Her disease is winning!"
"Get me the shock-pad things!"
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-24 11:45:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Of course. You see, a sandwich is square where as a Baconator is served with a round bun. The reason being is that it is much easier to swallow a curved thing than a square thing.
Basically it is much easier to choke to death on a bacon sandwich than a baconator, just as it is so much easier to be murderised by a bullet than a gas, due to boring things like wind. HOWEVER, if you are caught in the gas (or, to stretch the metaphore to its limit, eat a Baconator) you're fucked.
It is worth remembering through all this that a Baconator contains 6000 calories.
Seriously, if you eat a Baconator and then get fed on by a flea, the flea will die because of the fat content in your blood. It would be the equivilant of you eating an entire Macdonalds, including the chairs.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2008-10-24 11:39:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
but that means the bacon sandwich kills you faster, albeit less painfully.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-24 11:33:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The bacon sandwich is to the Baconator what the repeating rifle is to mustard gas.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2008-10-24 11:31:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
but didn't england basically invent the bacon sandwich?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-24 11:27:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Baconators are illegal outside of the US.
I do not even think that I am joking.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2008-10-24 11:22:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-10-24 11:20:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should've gone to Wendy's and had a Baconator.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-10-24 11:20:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should've gone to Wendy's and had a Baconator.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-10-24 11:09:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-10-24 09:35:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-10-24 05:57:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I worked at McDonalds.
--------------------------------
I am Yozz's complete lack of surprise.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2008-10-24 09:28:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you should seriously write speeches. i'd put that up there with martin luther king jr, gandhi and anything from winston churchill.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-10-24 08:11:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-10-24 08:01:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
teddy the pheonix?
thats good!
+2
stuff your story, i didn't reed it
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-10-24 08:00:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sausages are made from babies toes
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2008-10-24 08:00:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2008-10-24 07:51:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
just for the record I am wathcing carl sagen videos right now
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2008-10-24 07:50:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
coley: look sister you don't even want to know what I can do with my schlong---babymaking is the least of it.
berty: negative good man, I traded in prisoner beating for something for something more like office work. Which I am completely happy with.
FG3000, what the fuck are you on about?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-10-24 07:39:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
They put mind control chemicals in KFC, Berty. I hope you realize that.
You're in the Matrix, Berty.
Wake up, Berty.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-24 07:34:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So, why are you up so late Radlous Radlerson? In the before time, the long long ago, you only were up at this hour because of your work. Are you doing your same work at a higher paid level now?
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-24 07:31:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to grow a really nice, thick, bristling moustache. The kind of moustache that hides the upper lip and seems to sweep up food and drink with janitorial authority. I'd like to walk past people in the street and hear them remark to a friend, 'dude, did you SEE that guy's moustache?!'
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-24 07:29:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aw man. I really envy the fact that you can grip your shotgun and shout "from my cold, dead hands!" in an act of defiance. All I can say that about is my pack of cigarettes.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2008-10-24 07:25:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2008-10-24 07:11:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2008-10-24 07:09:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE SAUSAGE
-----------
we know this you slut
=========
Fuck you, babymaker.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2008-10-24 07:24:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I fear that your opinion of how other people perceive your authority is either very well placed or completely rediculious depending on what you are trying to enspouse. Furthermore Obama is not going to get my shotgun
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-24 07:21:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's cool. I didn't think anyone would believe me but then some people started hinting that I was some sort of "authority" on what is happening. As a man of staunch moral values who is also a compulsive liar, this troubled me.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2008-10-24 07:17:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
no its okay, I stayed married had a kid and got a better job--- I'm super good
I did however still work at kfc when i was a youth and it left its mark on me
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-24 07:15:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2008-10-24 07:10:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I worked at kfc when I was younger :(
--------------------
That is why you're a hero, Rad.
I'm er, I'm sorry I kind of told everyone you divorced and suicided. I was just gassin'.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2008-10-24 07:11:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2008-10-24 07:09:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE SAUSAGE
-----------
we know this you slut
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2008-10-24 07:10:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
mind you I have a nice job now but still
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2008-10-24 07:10:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I worked at kfc when I was younger :(
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2008-10-24 07:09:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE SAUSAGE
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2008-10-24 07:08:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
UNTSS UNTSS UNTSS UNTSS
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-24 06:40:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm lying. I actually live in Manchester.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-10-24 06:32:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another Berty post FTW!
Midlands you say? I'm in Leamington Spa - You do not want to eat at the KFC in Leamington! - The grubby little foreigners there touch the dirty cash and then the food without washing between which give many people the shits. - Nice.
Are you actually in the Midlands? I'm shocked that another uberer could be so close to home!
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-10-24 06:29:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-24 06:08:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
On the fast-food ladder, front counter service is superior only to that abysmal rung of dining room attendant.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-10-24 05:57:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I worked at McDonalds when I was in the Navy for extra cash.
It was hell. And I still have burn scars from the experience.
Fuck McDonalds. Fuck them right in the big red headed clown asshole.